Frustrated with lack of responsibility

[ProudDad12]

Backstory here, I updated it a couple days ago:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339409.0

Just needed to come here and air some anger. My sister contacted me yesterday about seeing our kids, and I had to tell her we weren't ready. I asked her to be patient with us since this is a tough time, but I don't want her being punished, since she's mostly staying out of the conflict with my parents.

Well in her response she said she understands, but then stated how 4 months is a long time to not see our kids and reminded me that my parents are hurting too.

Really? My parents are hurting? They get to say all the crap they said to us. They get to call my wife all sorts of names and say appalling things to us. And yet, I have to sit here and listen while my brother and sister both tell me its my parents who are hurting? Tell that to my 2 year old son who follows me around the house asking me if I'm happy and trying to cheer me up. That was a big wakeup call for me because I refuse to let my own children feel like my happiness is their responsibility. The burden of my parents' emotional well being was one I carried myself for far too long and by which I was nearly crushed. But they are the ones who are hurting, and I guess want me to pick that burden back up.

No, they don't get to start this crap with us, say whatever the **** they want to say without apology or remorse, and then have their flying monkeys play the pity card for them. They don't get to repeatedly cut me and my wife, then smear our blood all over themselves and pretend it's theirs (sorry, a bit dramatic there I know). They don't get to be "hurt" just because I'm no longer willing to tolerate their **** and  removed/limited their means of attacking us.

I'm sorry, I try to stay level when posting. But for everything that's happened, and for all the emotions my wife and I have been through in the past 4 months at the hands of my FOO, being told that it's them who's hurting just sends me through the roof. As my wife put it yesterday, "she's got balls". I honestly didn't think much about it at the time, but it's one of those things that just sits and simmers, and the complete audacity of it just keeps coming back to me.

[Notwendy]

It's victim perspective, and a victim needs a persecutor.

With my BPD mother, if I do something nice for her, she doesn't let it stop there. She pushes the boundary and pushes and pushes until I say "no". Then she goes into victim mode and everything I did nice before that is undone as far as she is concerned, so even if I do something nice for her, she sees herself as a victim.

A while ago we planned a family trip to see her.  So you would think she'd appreciate this effort?

One thing that is important to mention is that we chose to do this. We didn't do it to appease her. We did it because she is elderly and the kids wanted to see her. We feel it is respectful behavior to visit an elderly parent/grandparent. I mention this because I think it is important to choose our behavior according to our own ethics and not to please a BPD parent.

I understand that NC is an important choice for some people. I wasn't comfortable with it because of my mother's age and situation. We are more LC with boundaries with her.

So she kept pushing her boundaries with me the whole time. She would not stop. Eventually I said "enough" after which she said " nobody ever did anything nice for me". This was in front of everyone- we were dumbfounded.

Because we know it isn't true. We had done a lot of nice things for her, and whether she acknowledges it or not does not change that.

There was a time when her comment would have hurt. I would have cried at her statement. Because I really wanted my parents to understand my perspective, how hard I have tried to meet their expectation, to gain approval. I wanted them to understand the effect of my mother's behavior on me and how I needed to protect my kids when they were younger.

But I can not change how my mother perceives me. Yet, this doesn't change reality. We did something nice for her whether she thinks it is or not.

This is boundaries and you will get better at this. You are a good person, a good father, and also a good son, to the best of your abilities. But you also have the right to raise your own family and keep them safe from abuse. When you do this, it puts the reality out there for your parents- but they don't want to see this. If I had boundaries with my mother, it meant I needed to- that didn't go along with the way they wanted it.

It's tough, but important to keep a sense of who you are, act according to what you feel is the best thing to do. Will it be perfect? No, we all make mistakes. But trust your intentions.

[TelHill]

Proud dad I really feel for you (& your wife). They mess up your childhood and create so much drama when we're adults. I only put up with it because I love bpd mom.  It's extremely tough to keep my sanity intact.

As a gentle suggestion, maybe step away for a few weeks. A short breather may help you gather strength on how you wish to approach this situation. Your immediate family will survive.  If you want hurt and punishment, look to how we were raised. Don't think taking a breather is any where close to that for how your sis and parents may say they feel.

I could be wrong with my take on your family, but in my family the more I talk to explain (JADE)  my side of things, the more my family's impossible behavior stays the same or worsens.

Take care. I hope you & your wife can get some peace.

[ProudDad12]

One thing that is important to mention is that we chose to do this. We didn't do it to appease her. We did it because she is elderly and the kids wanted to see her. We feel it is respectful behavior to visit an elderly parent/grandparent. I mention this because I think it is important to choose our behavior according to our own ethics and not to please a BPD parent.

I understand that NC is an important choice for some people. I wasn't comfortable with it because of my mother's age and situation. We are more LC with boundaries with her.

That actually hits on one of the reasons NC is so hard for me. I want my kids to know their extended family and grandparents and have good relationships with them. Part of my ethics, as you mentioned. Unfortunately my parents also programmed me with the ethics that it's my job to please them, seemingly above all else. So I've had some work to do on myself the past few years.

As far as NC vs LC, I'd been trying LC, and it just fuels their fire. Because then we aren't doing enough, and that adds to the tension. For me right now, I have no expectations or long term plans, I just know they refuse to stop crossing lines, and right now NC is the only way I know how to shield my nuclear family. Almost 3 months into that now, and it's not easy.

As a gentle suggestion, maybe step away for a few weeks. A short breather may help you gather strength on how you wish to approach this situation. Your immediate family will survive.  If you want hurt and punishment, look to how we were raised. Don't think taking a breather is any where close to that for how your sis and parents may say they feel.

I could be wrong with my take on your family, but in my family the more I talk to explain (JADE)  my side of things, the more my family's impossible behavior stays the same or worsens.

Take care. I hope you & your wife can get some peace.

Thanks. Yeah we've been stepping back. My wife has had enough (long story, across several threads), so she might be out of the picture with them for good unless they can miraculously develop the ability to take responsibility and apologize for the thing they've done. The breather has been hard in a lot of ways, but also nice and freeing.

You're right about the explaining. I've tried and tried, and they don't get it. I finally learned to stop.