I want to move back in with my BPD parents. Am I crazy or can I make this work?

[Justno]

For years all I could imagine was moving out of my parents house but I waited until I got my masters degree and paid off my 100,000 dollars in student loans which I do have to thank my parents for for allowing me to stay and have no expenses.

However, my parents are both diagnosed with BPD. So their perception of me oscillates between being the best and the worst. My birthday was the day I moved out when my mother started screaming at me because I asked her to not talk about one of our cousins who is dying while we were cutting the cake. She said she was disgusted with me and that I had ruined the family.

I packed my stuff up and left and thought wow! I did it I moved out! However, I hate my current lifestyle. I live to go to work which is in the middle of rural no where. I miss my 2 dogs so so bad, and I no longer participate in the activities I did beforehand and I'm far away from all my friends and other family.

I just feel so embarrassed because all I want to do is go back. I feel that I am used to how they behave and that while I did not like the abuse my quality of life was better. Currently I am having waves of anxiety living alone and not doing anything worthwhile. I just really want to see my dogs.

However, I feel like because I told everyone at my work I was moving out and my friends and made a big deal of it that it would be quitting or embarrassing to move back. It's not my ideal situation but the last few months of making it on my own have made me more miserable on a daily basis. That and my parents were not all bad just when they were in their splitting mode in BPD. My sister who moved in and out is encouraging me to toughen up and not return. Part of me is like...what if I don't want to be tough just happy enough to wake up in the morning because now I'm so depressed I am not even sleeping.

I miss the morning routines my parents had, the good moments, my younger sister and just living with others. I feel this intense pressure to prove I am an independent young woman since I am 28 but to be honest, I don't like living alone. I really don't want to leave my parents house until I am married either. I have moved our before for school and I was depressed each time I lived alone.

Has anyone else dealt with this? Am I crazy or is this normal and workable?

[Notwendy]

It's not crazy to miss the familiar, but sometimes what is familiar and comfortable might not be good for us in our emotional growth.

It may be better for you to explore your feelings with a therapist. It's a stage of life for children to separate from their families and go out on their own.  Since you have had difficulty doing this, it might help you to explore this with a therapist.

Growing up in a disordered family, we kids learn some coping behaviors that help us to function in that family. However, they may not be helpful to us as adults. The good news is that - we learned them, and we can then learn new behaviors.

I think it is fair to say that many of us are somewhat enmeshed with our families of origin. We grew up with poor boundaries. This can cause us to seek out partners with poor boundaries too. While you feel you wanted to live at home until you were married, consider that this might not allow you to develop good boundaries.

It may be uncomfortable living alone, but this is also an opportunity to grow emotionally and help you one day have an emotionally healthier marriage with someone in the future. What a great investment in yourself and your future family. Also there are other options than to live alone or move back with your parents. Some young people live with friends or room mates.

I think some of us children of dysfunction tend to self isolate. There are other people to connect with besides your family. I know it is harder when you feel depressed, but getting out and joining a group- often a volunteer situation can help you connect with other young people.

I think you would really benefit from working on this with a therapist. Not because you are crazy, but because you aren't crazy. You just grew up in a crazy family and can work on learning new ways to relate to people and a therapist who is familiar with these situations can help you do this

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I want to second pretty much everything Notwendy said to you.   

I continued to live with my parents after completing grad school and then paid off my loans in record time and even then I stayed longer. 

When I moved out it was pretty sudden too, though not overnight like you.  It set off a lot of conflict in my family and I had little support at the time, though I did start therapy.   I dissociated a lot and did not get clear in my head until much later.  Months, maybe a year and a half later.   It takes time to adjust not just to not being in dysfunction but to knowing you can make your own rules.  Being an 'adult' on my own was a startling and frightening thing to realize as was the loneliness.
 

Am I crazy or is this normal and workable?

I think this is normal and workable.  What do you think of the suggestion to get some therapy to help you through and explore some of these feelings?  I struggle with anxiety and I have learned that acting on my anxiety rarely works out well and often makes things worse.  I think it is a good idea to take a closer look at that.

What do you think?

[TelHill]

As someone who is back home pt care giving while being NC or LC since age 18 (a few decades ago), I would gently suggest no. It's a lot harder to leave the second time.  The bpd viciousness escalates and pressures you to stay.

I came of age when it was more affordable for a young person to live on their own in any city in the US in a safe area and save.  I was very lonely the first year I graduated college and lived a few states away from my family. I wanted to get very, very far away from my parents. Couldn't take them anymore. 

I didn't know how to make friends, date, etc. I didn't care for my roommate who was kind of mean. I spent a lot of time at work to keep my job and grow with the company. Living to work was how it was for quite a few years. It was a shock because work was extremely demanding and I wasn't treated like the special college student like I was on campus.    I was invited out for lunches & drinks but was afraid to go. The city had tons of free cultural activities which I did on my own.  I was 23 and would be working and doing things on my own after work until midnight. Not so energetic now.

I found a decent therapist and slowly adjusted to adult life. I made friends on my own. I dated.  I was still a ball of anxiety, but I lived with it.  I was living an average middle class life like I had with my parents. I envied coworkers who could afford nicer apartments, clothing, hairdressers, nice jewelry, trips, dinners out because their parents gave them generous allowances. It was like that in college too now that I think about it. Classmates with sportcars and going to fancy resort towns for winter break.  I went home to work at a department store for the holiday rush. That pull for something more cushy is there. I get that.

Life is sometimes picking the less onerous of two not so great options. If this job is good for your career stick with it for a year and move on to one with a suburban or urban location.  Good luck and hope you don't move back in with your parents. Stay strong!

[TelHill]

Replying to my own post. I found it easier to develop my social muscle with a therapist's help when my parents were thousands of miles away, and I barely saw them. I had my share of not great friendships, but I did find some good friends and had fun. Being LC and living 40 miles away with my husband (now deceased) was much tougher socially. Being here with them part-time is taking a lot of effort to get out and try to make friends.

Those might be things to think about when you are weighing the option of moving back into your parents' home or staying on your own.

[Notwendy]

I could not wait to leave home to go to college. I wanted to get away from my BPD mother.

I had no issues with acting like an adult. I had been "parentified" since my early adolescence. I could take care of myself. Although I lived in a dorm on campus at first, I knew how to shop for food, cook, do laundry, keep a job. I did well academically.

But socially and emotionally, I struggled. It's not that I didn't grow up, but I did it unevenly. I had more responsibility as a teen in some ways, but lacked some experiences in others. So, emotionally and socially, I was  mismatch with peers my same age.

When I did go home on breaks, my BPD mother enjoyed having me there to take up my position as her emotional caregiver. But there was drama too. It was not an emotionally stable environment.

I have done a lot of work over the years to make changes. I agree that working with a therapist is key. It has also helped me to be part of 12 step co-dependency and ACA groups.

Although ACA is about alcohol, it includes dysfunction. It is interesting that family patterns with a disordered parent are similar to those with alcoholic parents. I found I could identify with many of these behaviors:

https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/


The good news is that we learned these in order to function in our original families, and so, we can unlearn them and learn new ones. It makes sense to feel a pull to return to the familiar, where these behaviors worked - but it could serve us better to work on developing relationship skills that serve us better. This will help us with all our relationships, including our families.

[TelHill]

I could not wait to leave home to go to college. I wanted to get away from my BPD mother.

I had no issues with acting like an adult. I had been "parentified" since my early adolescence. I could take care of myself. Although I lived in a dorm on campus at first, I knew how to shop for food, cook, do laundry, keep a job. I did well academically.

But socially and emotionally, I struggled. It's not that I didn't grow up, but I did it unevenly. I had more responsibility as a teen in some ways, but lacked some experiences in others. So, emotionally and socially, I was  mismatch with peers my same age.

When I did go home on breaks, my BPD mother enjoyed having me there to take up my position as her emotional caregiver. But there was drama too. It was not an emotionally stable environment.

I have done a lot of work over the years to make changes. I agree that working with a therapist is key. It has also helped me to be part of 12 step co-dependency and ACA groups.

Although ACA is about alcohol, it includes dysfunction. It is interesting that family patterns with a disordered parent are similar to those with alcoholic parents. I found I could identify with many of these behaviors:

https://adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/


The good news is that we learned these in order to function in our original families, and so, we can unlearn them and learn new ones. It makes sense to feel a pull to return to the familiar, where these behaviors worked - but it could serve us better to work on developing relationship skills that serve us better. This will help us with all our relationships, including our families.

Notwendy,

Your experience sounds like mine. I fled to college at age 18 far enough away so my parents could not visit regularly. I was responsible for a lot in my family and knew how to pay bills, budget, cook for myself, do laundry, etc. I was a very serious person & student. Some roommates were friends, but socializing was hard. I felt like I missed a study guide other people had.

I never wanted to return home as an adult, and didn't have to with a lower cost of living then.  I don't remember anyone living at home after college for more than a few months while they were waiting on a job or grad school decisions. Things are different now. It's quite common. The economy is tougher to navigate.

[Notwendy]

Some roommates were friends, but socializing was hard. I felt like I missed a study guide other people had.

Me too. I felt so out of sinc. I think it is because they were not yet adults, but got to be teenagers. I was an "adult" but missed some of the teen age development. Also, my peers in college wanted to "party" but I didn't- this seemed immature to me, and also to drink and lose control  seemed like acting like my mother. That didn't appeal to me and I didn't like to be around people who were partying.

I didn't feel this in high school, but I was very shy when it came to dating. I didn't feel comfortable around guys in that sense like my peers seemed to be. I liked guys, but didn't know how to navigate dating. It felt like I was stuck in pre-teen mode- crushes, but too fearful to actually date.

I had guy buddies, close friends and eventually dated one of them. This was easy as I already knew him. But in college, the idea of actually meeting someone and dating them scared me. When I did date anyone, I was too afraid of being myself. I had to learn to put on a mask with my parents so that they would love me. My BPD mother was critical of me and I had poor self esteem. Looking back, I see that this was being co-dependent, but codependent was the normal I was expected to be growing up. I had to work on that.

I too never wanted to move back with my parents, and fortunately didn't have to- as you said- the economy was different.

[Harri]

To me, being an adult is about mind set and socializing and being able to function, knowing I could make my own choices and have my own feelings apart from my family.  Being an adult has nothing to do with knowing how to cook or do laundry, anyone can learn that stuff.  I was doing all of that sort of stuff at a young age as well. 

Where my friends blew me away was on the social end of things like you mention Notwendy and Telhill.  I had plenty of friends in high school and college but no deep friendships and no long term romantic/intimate relationships.  And that was an improvement over what I had when I was younger and living at home.  The other area they surpassed me in was an ability to think and problem solve without asking for multiple opinions from various people and then being okay with my choice.  Not in all areas, but some.

It sounds like Justno's struggles are more than being an adult in terms of being able to care for herself.  She wants closeness with people and she wants a sense of family.  I can relate to that too. 

Justno, how are you doing now?  I get the push to be seen as independent at the age of 28.  I had a lot of embarrassment around the fact that I was not living on my own so I can relate to a point.   Would moving closer to your family and friends be an option?  Have you had a chance to read the articles about the tools we offer here to improve your interactions with your disordered parents and your own coping skills when with them?  Is that something you even think is needed?

[Lstrayed]

I relate to a lot in this thread. Like other responses I also moved out at 18 and never moved back home. I remember my mom taunting me as I left telling me I'd be back in a few weeks! So going back was never an option for me! As was said before I was already "parentified" and so being a teenager or "kid" actually felt like acting! I had been through too much trauma and grew up too quick! I got married and had my kids young and we started over with our own family! Though it was the right decision for me...and I love being a mom and wife more than anything.. I do think I chose this path to continue my "caretaker" role! I am also realizing, like others have said, I never blossomed socially. It's tough..we have to figure out most things on our own! For me my kids gave me the hope and will to be better, at first for them, but I'm finally to the point where it's for myself as well. I don't know your situation at home with your parents, Justno. I know that growing up in my family I wasn't ever able to be myself. My role was set for me..they told me who I was and oftentimes how I should feel. The walking on eggshells really stifled my self development. I never really gave myself the opportunity to get to know who I was! I'm in my early 30s now and I've been so busy taking care of everyone else that I'm sort of just now getting around to that. It's scary, but exciting too! It seems like you are in the situation now where it's a perfect time to maybe work on yourself a bit outside of your family dynamic? Get to know who you are outside of your family home? Figure out what makes you happy? Exploring what makes me happy and brings me joy has been great. I realized I love hiking/walking, exercise(there are lots of great group fitness classes you can join), I love music and my husband and I have been setting money and some time aside to go have fun at concerts again(I'm even psyched to take our kids to thier first concert soon!), I love feel good/funny movies, I might even try out some art classes! There's so much out there to explore! Maybe you can set some time aside to go visit your dogs and take them to parks or trails?(not sure how far away they are) I understand the scariness of being out on your own..but there's a lot of great things that come with independence as well! Do you feel it's all bad living on your own or are there some aspects you enjoy? When I first left home therapy helped in giving me some guidance outside of my dysfunctional family that I really needed. As I said in the beginning, my mom taunted me as I left, it seems like bpds sometimes have a way to make you feel like you cant survive without them! Not sure if that's your situation at all and I may have totally missed the mark here by relating your situation to mine but it's all I've got.... Either decision you make, try not to be so hard on yourself! We all get there at different times but I think its a tough transition for all of us! I wish you ALL the best!

[Notwendy]

One issue that several adult children seem to have in common is that we are overly responsible for others and don't know how to have fun. Also we don't know how to think of ourselves too. My BPD mother called me selfish. I wasn't selfish. I didn't even know how to consider what I liked to do, or wanted. I wasn't allowed to be myself either.

What my mother called "selfish" was actually being able to stand up for myself and do something for myself. I didn't know I could even do that. I had to learn.

I too had to learn what I liked to do, and also feel OK doing it.

[zachira]

My heart hurts more that I can express with words when you say both of your parents have been diagnosed with BPD. You are amazing, having survived living with two parents with BPD, while going to school and establishing yourself in a career. Wanting to move back in with your parents is something that happens to many adult children who have a parent with BPD. Part of growing up with a parent with BPD in my experience, in my case my mother, is that the children are often groomed from birth to be caretakers for their parents. Both my brothers moved out and then returned to live with mom with one brother dying in mom's house, and the other staying there until mom died. Know that the feelings you are having are probably coming up now, because now it is safe to feel them, as you are no longer doing what you have to to live your life while living with parents with BPD. With time, you will start to feel better, as you deal more with the pain of having grown up with two parents with BPD. There is just so much accumulated pain, and sometimes it just feels more comfortable to go back to not feeling the pain so acutely. You clearly do care about your parents and there are some things you probably actually like about them. My mother with BPD did many nice things for me, and it will always be hard for me to reconcile the contradictions, of one moment having a mother doing loving kind things for me and then doing some of the most hateful abusive things to me imaginable.
We are here to support you and listen. Know that there is no such thing as posting too much. I have been posting here for over two years now, and it has helped me to grow and deal with the pain of having a mother and two siblings with BPD.
Let us know how we can be the most helpful.