My ex replied to my email today after two months of silence

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I haven’t seen my ex for three months and haven’t spoken to her for two. I thought the relationship was over and in a moment of grief last night I emailed her ‘I love you.’ There was no response last night but to my surprise she responded to me today with the following: ‘Thanks for the sentiment
Hope all okay.’

I’m a little frightened of any further communication as I am convinced she has strong narcissistic/BPD traits and she showed me no empathy at all during what I thought was the break up. My initial elation at hearing from her has given way to trepidation as I don’t want to get excited about seeing her or talking to her again in case she’s either moved on or just wants to play with me.

I really need some advice here. If there was a cat in hell’s chance of having anything approaching a healthy r/s with her I’d love to try now that my marriage is officially over. I fear it would just be more of the same abuse but much of that could have been connected with my unavailability. What do people think her message means? Is it an open door? What should I say in response?

[RomanticFool]

I haven’t seen my ex for three months and haven’t spoken to her for two. I thought the relationship was over and in a moment of grief last night I emailed her ‘I love you.’ There was no response last night but to my surprise she responded to me today with the following: ‘Thanks for the sentiment
Hope all okay.’

I’m a little frightened of any further communication as I am convinced she has strong narcissistic/BPD traits and she showed me no empathy at all during what I thought was the break up. My initial elation at hearing from her has given way to trepidation as I don’t want to get excited about seeing her or talking to her again in case she’s either moved on or just wants to play with me.

I really need some advice here. If there was a cat in hell’s chance of having anything approaching a healthy r/s with her I’d love to try now that my marriage is officially over. I fear it would just be more of the same abuse but much of that could have been connected with my unavailability. What do people think her message means? Is it an open door? What should I say in response?

[RomanticFool]

I replied with the following: ‘Nice to hear from you. I hope you’re ok too. Miss you.’

No reply from her yet. The last time she replied with a brief message like the above, it was her last message. Don’t know what to think. Her usual MO is that she wants me to chase. I want to be sure she doesn’t have someone else.

[RomanticFool]

Ok so now it feels like game playing. Her response to my message above was: ‘Yeh’

That doesn’t feel like she wants to get involved again - though it is a reply. Don’t think I’ll say anything in response to that tonight. Really have no clue why she replied - doesn’t really seem like she wants me to chase her - yet she replied. Hmmm

[bated]

You clearly want her back in your life and to me the fact that she replied is a good sign.  I have been in a similar situation, and it sounds like she is thawing. I have experienced similar responses to "Yeh" and I would not see it as a negative from someone with BPD.  When this happened to me my gfwBPD explained afterwards that it was because she was feeling guilty about what she had done and how she had hurt me, which translated to a seemingly not so engaging response from her.

Don't over do the text messages but suggest you give it a few days and then reach out with something light hearted, maybe an inside joke or a memory (nothing romantic).  Don't chase her too hard, but rather let her slowly comeback to you. Easier said than done, trust me I know!

Good luck!

[ColdKnight]

I agree with bated. Take it slow and easy. The fact she is communicating means you guys are in “negotiations” if you will.

I and many others have experienced that engulfment is worse than abandonment.

Don’t focus on the relationship. Make every contact with her a fun, light hearted one.

[RomanticFool]

I’m scared of opening the whole can of worms again. I can’t take anymore emotional upset. I’ve been suicidal over this woman which I’ve now dealt with. Is it wise to recommence hostilities? No matter what I do there will be hostilities. I know that much.

[ColdKnight]

Only you can answer this. If you are looking at it as “recommencing hostilities” then I would proceed with extreme caution.

That fact that you recognize that there will be hostilities is very telling.

You seem to be slowly progressing forward which is a good thing even if it is slow.

What did you hope to achieve by sending the email?

[RomanticFool]

I hoped she would reply, which she did. The ‘yeh’ was typical of her. I always feel edgy talking to her as she is so volatile and spiky. If we did reconnect I have many more WhatsApp friends and that would be a source of conflict with her. She’d be paranoid.

[bated]

I’m scared of opening the whole can of worms again. I can’t take anymore emotional upset. I’ve been suicidal over this woman which I’ve now dealt with. Is it wise to recommence hostilities? No matter what I do there will be hostilities. I know that much.

Do what is right for you, not what is right for her.

[RomanticFool]

I have no idea what’s right for her to be honest. Not sure she does either. I just adore her but it’s a bit like adoring a tiger. Getting up close is dangerous.

[Harri]

Hi RF.

What have you done over the last two months to get yourself in a healthier place re: the suicidal ideation?  You were still suicidal mid September.  I am concerned

Have you gone back and read the posts you made here during that time?  It was pretty intense.  

I ask the above questions because nothing will change without change.  Getting back to baseline in terms of not being suicidal is great and I am very glad to hear it.

Is it enough for you to get back together with her, assuming she wants to?  From where I sit, you can't conclude anything about where she is based on her responses.

[formflier]

I can't imagine anything positive in your life from further communications with her.

Wouldn't it be better to focus on continuing a path towards health/healthier choices?

Best,

FF

[RomanticFool]

Harri,

I agree. I’m not sure she wants to get back together. For all I know she could have someone else. She hasn’t shown much interest in rekindling and I think I’d have to work very hard to get her even talking normally since she didn’t come and see my play and is most likely angry that I didn’t try harder to get her to come. I think if I chased her in the right way she may thaw but it feels to me like she’s lost interest. On the other hand she did reply.

I have done a lot of work on myself. I’m halfway through the 30 questions in SLAA and have been having intense counselling sessions with a friend of mine who’s a therapist. He explained to me that no matter what I do or say, my ex is going to be chaotic because it’s the way she is and the relationship is most likely never going to work long term. So I have gone some way to detaching from her and have been practising empathetic responses. Two main areas of change that I would do if we ever got back together is avoid WhatsApp conversations as much as possible. That was deadly before. Now that my marriage is over I could call her and have real conversations. The second and most important thing I would do is avoid emotional reactions to her as much as possible. She always liked my wise head when we first got together and I think the way in which we triggered each other is by our emotional reactions to each other. I’d have to practise radical acceptance regarding the way she is and decide whether or not I could handle her mood swings.

I am much more aware of my own emotional dependency on her and the danger of trying to merge with her and become a co-addicted co-dependent mess. I have been working on making sure my life away from her is strong. I would try to put myself in a situation where I saw her for fun times and outings and try to avoid the heavy intense conversations around the relationship. I’m free now and we wouldn’t have to discuss those issues all the time.

There are many barriers to a r/s with her, not least that her daughter didn’t want me in the house as she could see I triggered her mother. We’d have to get past that hurdle. I’d probably have to agree to take all sexual intensity off the table initially as she was convinced I was after her for sex and I probably should’ve taken the pressure off that fear for her. One of my biggest issues is that my friends would hate me getting back with her as they know where it took me. I may have to face some angry people. Also, she may have changed too and may not  want any kind of r/s let alone a high intensity one. I’m actually now thinking if I move toward her as a friend it would be met with a better response. She knows I love her, but it would be good not to make her feel pressured on reconnection - if that’s what she wants. She may not.

[RomanticFool]

FF,

That is what I’m working on now. I’m less obsessed with her as I’m beginning to see the emptiness of the r/s and how little regard or concern she seems to have. Though much of that could just be self protection. Part of me wants to see how a r/s would go now that I’m free and could spend nights with her if she wanted me to. I wonder if it would be possible to have a better r/s with her. Probably not but worth a shot?

[bated]

Also, she may have changed too and may not  want any kind of r/s let alone a high intensity one. I’m actually now thinking if I move toward her as a friend it would be met with a better response. She knows I love her, but it would be good not to make her feel pressured on reconnection - if that’s what she wants. She may not.

You are still thinking about what she wants.  What do you want?  What is best for you?

[oletimefeelin]

I haven't been on here in a very long time.  A few times a year, I'll read some posts and always end up thanking my lucky stars that I know longer live that life.  Lucky for you (or not) tonight I read your post and felt compelled to log-in and post.

A few things stand out in your post.  First, the way you are approaching things, this disordered woman (or any woman really) has you eating out of her hand.  You sent her two emails in a 24 hour period after a few months of silence, with like 10-15 words.  You wrote "I love you" and "I miss you".  Remember these borderlines live for validation.  It's the very air they breath.  You are giving it to her on a silver platter, my man.  I'd really encourage you to dig deep and think about about what you want here.  Impulsively reaching out every time you feel lonely will be a recipe for disaster.  Try to be a little mysterious and not so predictable. 

Not sure the chronology of events here, but you mention a marriage being over.  Have you processed that loss?  Or was the bpd lady a necessary distraction for you?  Spend some time thinking about her role in the events of your life.  It's likely easier tapping the glass with the chaotic one than it is processing all that has transpired over the last however many years.

You seem hell-bent on reengaging with this lady, which is fine.  However, I recommend you do so while maintaining some level of self-respect.  Really try to have a discussion with this woman about what went wrong.  Bring up your own issues.  It's hard to say what percentage of that talk will go well or not, but I can tell you from experience that you will feel better about having tried.  You'll feel like you stayed true to yourself and attempted to move forward in a healthy way albeit with an unhealthy person.

Those of us who have lived what you are going through like to think we know how all these things end.  It's hard to say what exactly will happen.  I can tell you from experience that it's harder when these things end again.  It's the fool me once, fool me twice thing.  That you were suicidal the first time is not insignificant.  Know what you are signing up for here.  Take care of yourself.

   

[Turkish]

It sounds like she's letting you go gracefully. If she were, would you be ok with that?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear RF-

I understand the urge to periodically do things in the moment that aren’t necessarily “good” for us.  Like tossing an “I love you” out there.

She replied with “Yeh” and you reacted with “that feels like game playing”.  Can you see that you’re still very “reactive”, jumping to conclusions when it comes to her?

RF - yes, your marriage is now over and there are feelings to process around that ending.  But you do NOT process those feelings with your exuBPDgf.  You process that hurt with your friend, the T.  Please see that.  You fill that emptiness with yourself, your friends, your SLAA healing, your hobbies.  NOT with a person who hurt you so badly.

Please take a breath and look at this honestly.  You know better than this, my friend.  Continue with your healing journey and THEN decide, with a healed heart, if this woman is good for you. 

Please read through the posts you just recently wrote on the detaching board.  She didn’t sound like the type of woman you wanted to be near.  And she didn’t break up to do work on herself.  In addition, there are a huge number of  “if only’s” in your current post.

Warmly,
Gems

[RomanticFool]

She replied with “Yeh” and you reacted with “that feels like game playing”.  Can you see that you’re still very “reactive”, jumping to conclusions when it comes to her?

Yes I can, though I haven't said anything to her. Also, I'm basing it on the way she always used to communicate. That one word answer suggests either disinterest or she wants me to work harder. She is a woman who is very clear when she wants something or someone. I am not going to react to her. I'm going to be very careful to only send friendly messages.

RF - yes, your marriage is now over and there are feelings to process around that ending.  But you do NOT process those feelings with your exuBPDgf.  You process that hurt with your friend, the T.  Please see that.  You fill that emptiness with yourself, your friends, your SLAA healing, your hobbies.  NOT with a person who hurt you so badly.

I'm not trying to process my emotions with the woman who hurt me. My impending divorce is not really a source of pain. I am happy my wife has found somebody new and all of my thoughts are about my ex. But yes, she did hurt me badly and that is why I'm on here considering things carefully.

Please take a breath and look at this honestly.  You know better than this, my friend.  Continue with your healing journey and THEN decide, with a healed heart, if this woman is good for you.

In all honesty I don't think there is a cat in hell's chance she would come back to me now. But what if she did? Now that I'm free, would it be any different? I already know she wasn't good for me but is there a possibility that if I manage the situation differently she would change?

Please read through the posts you just recently wrote on the detaching board.  She didn’t sound like the type of woman you wanted to be near.  And she didn’t break up to do work on herself.  In addition, there are a huge number of  “if only’s” in your current post.

She wasn't the type of woman I wanted but she used to be. I am still in the mindset that perhaps we could recapture something of those early days or if she saw that I really do have her best interests at heart that perhaps she would soften. I know it's unlikely but what if there's a chance. She has been diagnosed with bi polar and I think she has BPD and she was violent with me. Is there any chance that she doesn't have BPD, that her aggression was in response to the situation and that she could be different...I do know the answer to all of the above, but I shared some of the most fulfilling moments of my life with her. I wish she would still love me the way she used to - or at least the way she appeared to in the past. I know in my heart of hearts it's probably futile. I know she mentally withdrew from this r/s about 5 months ago but if there is any chance at all that I could somehow salvage a decent r/s with her I'd like to try - but not at the cost of my mental health.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey RF-

It doesn’t matter whether she has diagnosable BPD or not.  What matters are her behaviors.  And your reactions to those behaviors; and the very toxic and destructive way in which y’all interact.  She was aggressive on more than one occasion.  She was aggressive verbally and she assaulted you physically.  More than once.

As your friend out here in the universe, one who’s read all of your posts from the very beginning, I do NOT stand in judgement.  But I do know RF, and you’ve admitted that you’re reactive.  You’ve said you’re emotional and you don’t sit idly when a woman attacks your character. 

Well, my friend... when you’re in relationships with disordered people, sometimes the best and safest thing to do when our pwBPD are having episodes is to do just that.  Sit idly, or take some space even as the worst insults you’ve ever heard are being hurled at you.  And until you do enough work on yourself, and understand BPD enough to be able to calmly do just that, you are NOT ready to re-engage.

Of course you WANT those beautiful feelings you experienced at the beginning of your relationship.  The thing is though, those feelings are likely NOT sitting at the front of her mind.  And she isn’t THAT person.  RF - you do understand the “honeymoon” period, right?  Well that was the honeymoon period.  That’s not a realistic view of any relationship in its entirety.  If that’s what you want, you may as well have a series of 2 to 3-month relationships.  That’s how you sustain that high.

I really believe and hope that you’ll turn your focus more toward work on yourself, RF.  Instead of asking questions about “her” and where her head is.  You already know that if YOU go back in being EXACTLY the same person with the SAME level of emotions, this WILL NOT WORK.  Full Stop.  We have said so many times “nothing changes until something changes”.  Simply by virtue of the fact that divorce papers are filed has NOT changed your emotional disposition.  Or hers.  You see?

But.  If you truly, and I mean truly work through why YOU become so emotionally charged and how to control YOUR stuff, then maybe.  When you can honestly say to yourself “I have changed and healed this, and that, and that...” and be comfortable in your own skin.  Then maybe. 

And you may find, just maybe, that once you do YOUR WORK... then engaging with a person like her may no longer hold the appeal it once did.

Thoughts?

Hugs to you,
Gems

[RomanticFool]

Gems,

I agree with much of what you’ve said. I am too reactive and need to work on myself. Also, I’d never be able to cope with how she is even if I did ten years of work. I have to let her go.

I’ve emailed her a few times over the last day and she hasn’t replied and so I’ve decided to move on and let her do whatever she’s doing. I need to draw a line under this relationship. I can’t cope with anything about this relationship and don’t want it in my life anymore. I will never accept silence as a tool of punishment ever again in any relationship. She has done me a favour by staying away from me. She probably has a new romance and I pity the poor slob who gets involved with her. Lacking empathy in any r/s is going to be destructive and I see a world of pain ahead for her.

Thanks to everybody for all your help. I may sign off from these boards as there are no BPD people in my life anymore.

RF

[Skip]

Gemsforeyes points are valid, RF. If I was in your shoes, it's not what I would want to hear. I'm sure it's not what you want to hear. The bottom line is that after a decade of relationship dysfunction across a number of women, you have normalized and become comfortable living in highly destructive chaos.

At this point, RF, your relationship expectations, goals, and approaches are not balanced, healthy, or realistic.

You are intensely drawn to relationship fantasy - the infatuation period - that you briefly experienced in your sexual affairs. You are a "my feelings rule" type of relationship partner.

This is not to say that your wife was a good fit for for you or that your affairs partners weren't mentally ill and ex-addicts- they were - they were and they were diagnosed.

But it is to say that you consistently seek highly flawed relationship situations. And it is to say that you are emotionally abusive in relationships... both your affair partners have said this. Your wife would too, if she know the  truth about your clandestine relationships.

This is not intended as a beat down. I'm just saying that if you continue to seek high risk fantasy type relationships, you will continue to find yourself in emotional distress and possibly suicidal. Or said another way, if you continue to follow your instincts (or your heart) you will continue to find yourself in emotional distress and possibly suicidal.

I’m not sure she wants to get back together. For all I know she could have someone else. She hasn’t shown much interest in rekindling and I think I’d have to work very hard to get her even talking normally since she didn’t come and see my play and is most likely angry that I didn’t try harder to get her to come. I think if I chased her in the right way she may thaw but it feels to me like she’s lost interest. On the other hand she did reply.

About getting back together...

You: I love you.

Her: Thanks for the sentiment. Hope all okay.’

You: Nice to hear from you. I hope you’re ok too. Miss you.

Her: Yeh.

Let's break it down. Your emails are about you and your feelings. Do you see that? I love. I miss.

Her responses are conversation closers. "Hope all okay" (polite, no response needed) is very different than "Are you OK?" (response solicited).

And "yeh" is also a closer.  What does it mean?

"yeh, that is the price we pay when breaking up". "yeh, I know you do, but I'm standing my ground"

It probably doesn't mean "let's talk about it".

So what positive could it mean?  Most likely she is letting go of her anger, but not ready to talk.

[Skip]

I can’t cope with anything about this relationship and don’t want it in my life anymore. I will never accept silence as a tool of punishment ever again in any relationship. She has done me a favour by staying away from me. She probably has a new romance and I pity the poor slob who gets involved with her.

Do you think it would help to challenge yourself on how you handle relationship failure?

Your response to problems in your marriage was to paint your wife black and jump into an extended affair. Your response to problems in your affair was to paint your partner black and jump into another affair. Your response to problems in second affair has been to paint your partner black...

Deep down, you don't really believe all this negativity about AA girl... if you did you would not be writing her "I love you" emails.  Its hard to be honest with ourselves - we all struggle with this - but it is essential.

It's important to own this. It's important to own the whole big messy picture of the last decade so you start to rehabilitate your "instincts".

RF, you are perfectly poised to deep dive into another "dysfunctional relationship". You are emotionally raw and would likley throw caution to the wind if someone idealizes you and is sexually open. This is how a large portion of our membership ended up in BPD relationships.

I really think a divorce recovery course would be helpful while you and the wife are separating and starting the 5-10 month process of non-contested divorce.

I think you should explore your earlier concerns that you have traits of BPD.  The hypersexuality, fear of abandonment, self sabotaging emotions, risk taking... these are all instinctual and they are not serving you well.

Lastly, you might want to explore if you really want a equal-partner romantic relationship or sexual liaisons/fantasy play. Both are legitimate, but these tend to be mutually exclusive things. You said earlier, you are addicted to the limerance (to use your words). There are plenty of flings to be had - they just tend to have short shelf lives.

Incremental change is not going to do much for you RF... you need to really rethink your approach to relationships if you want peace.

[RomanticFool]

I think you should explore your earlier concerns that you have traits of BPD.  The hypersexuality, fear of abandonment, self sabotaging emotions, risk taking... these are all instinctual and they are not serving you well.

I'd say they are traits of addiction rather than BPD. I don't think anybody outside of a few high octane relationships would ever say I have these traits. They come out specifically in some relationships - not all. I don't ever have problems at work or with friendships. I have been possessive in the past over the odd friend, but I've used AA to iron these issues out. I have failed to iron them out in my relationships which is why I've had to go to SLAA. It may be that many addicts have traits of BPD, this may be true, but they don't surface in my day to day life apart from the yearning and feeling empty. I don't have unstable self image, I don't react badly when people give me a hard time at work (and showbiz folk can be selfish and narcissistic) I know how to control myself in these situations and practise restraint.

Deep down, you don't really believe all this negativity about AA girl... if you did you would not be writing her "I love you" emails.  Its hard to be honest with ourselves - we all struggle with this - but it is essential.

If you mean I don't see that she has good qualities, of course I do. I adore the woman. How could I not see them? But she hit me on a number of occasions and spat at me while calling me an abuser. I didn't abuse her in the relationship. I argued with her at times, I was not abusive to her. Her accusations of abuse are a feature of her own mental illness. Should I have been more restrained in dealing with her rages? Yes, I should have - but I was not abusive. She gaslighted me into trying to make me accept responsibility for her own bad behaviour. I should have left the r/s the first time she hit me. I don't believe she is all bad and never have. What I do believe is that her rages are a feature of a disorder and I handled them very badly. I should not have become angry in defending myself. But I honestly do not believe I was abusive to her. However, I acknowledge that she suffered as a result of me being married and probably sees my physical unavailability as a form of emotional abuse. I was always there for her emotionally until she started hitting me.

Your response to problems in your marriage was to paint your wife black and jump into an extended affair.

I didn't paint my wife black and never have.I cheated on her, that's not painting her black, that's justifying my sexual infidelity. That's not a symptom of BPD.

Your response to problems in your affair was to paint your partner black and jump into another affair.

Your response to problems in second affair has been to paint your partner black...

Both of these women broke my heart. I actually think I've reacted with restraint towards both of them. I'd have been alot worse if I wasn't in the fellowships I'm in. I can and do practise restraint when under extreme duress. It's not easy and I have a ways to go. Not all behaviour is commensurate with a personality disorder.

But it is to say that you consistently seek highly flawed relationship situations. And it is to say that you are emotionally abusive in relationships... both your affair partners have said this. Your wife would too, if she know the  truth about your clandestine relationships.

My wife doesn't think I'm emotionally abusive, I asked her. She knows I lied to her. She doesn't see it as abuse but as an inability to own up to the fact that my feelings had changed. I was a coward.

There is something i what you say about being addicted to the beginning of relationships. I am looking into this at present.

[Skip]

Yeh.

[confusedbybdp]

 

Dear RF,

I'm afraid I have to agree with Skip.  He wrote:

About getting back together...

You: I love you.

Her: Thanks for the sentiment. Hope all okay.’

You: Nice to hear from you. I hope you’re ok too. Miss you.

Her: Yeh.

Let's break it down. Your emails are about you and your feelings. Do you see that? I love. I miss.

Her responses are conversation closers. "Hope all okay" (polite, no response needed) is very different than "Are you OK?" (response solicited).

And "yeh" is also a closer.  What does it mean?

        "yeh, that is the price we pay when breaking up".
"yeh, I know you do, but I'm standing my ground"

It probably doesn't mean "let's talk about it".


Her responses sound like she no longer has any interest in pursuing a relationship with you.  The last text message I got from my uBPDbf was "No worries.  Be well."  That told me a LOT about where his head was - he was DONE, and the final discard had happened.  It might sound normal, and maybe even friendly to some people, but not to me.  Not after a passionate, intense relationship (as all BPD relationships are).  It was like the air had been let out of the balloon, and there was nothing but platitudes left.  ANYONE could have written those words.  No one reading them would imagine that we had just been through the most intense r/s of my life - good and bad (but mostly bad, in retrospect). 

My advice would be to let her come to you, IF YOU WANT HER.  But please don't fool yourself.  Unless she's been in heavy duty therapy, nothing has changed.  You would be entering the gates to the same old relationship patterns you had before, except that makeups after breakups usually are worse than the original relationship.  You already have a history, and whatever anger, resentment, disappointment, distrust and rage she felt for you when times were bad are still there, just below the surface.  They will not stay below the surface for long.

Be well - and I really mean that!

[RomanticFool]

Yeh

Whatever point you were trying to make is horribly undermined by your support of a severely damaged and abusive woman. You can tell me all you like that I have BPD and that my last two relationships were my fault but the most recent one was narcissistic abuse and what she is doing now is ST and what she did with regard to the history of our r/s is gaslighting. The woman is an emotional vampire and I guarantee you will repeat the same patterns of behaviour with somebody else. I will not. Thanks to SLAA, I have an awareness of my own issues around sex and love addiction and will take steps to alter my attachment style. I do not have BPD - nobody on here is qualified to diagnose me as BPD either.

Yeh yourself.

RF

[RomanticFool]

Thank you confusedbybpd

[secretgirl]

You clearly want her back in your life and to me the fact that she replied is a good sign.  I have been in a similar situation, and it sounds like she is thawing. I have experienced similar responses to "Yeh" and I would not see it as a negative from someone with BPD.  When this happened to me my gfwBPD explained afterwards that it was because she was feeling guilty about what she had done and how she had hurt me, which translated to a seemingly not so engaging response from her.

Don't over do the text messages but suggest you give it a few days and then reach out with something light hearted, maybe an inside joke or a memory (nothing romantic).  Don't chase her too hard, but rather let her slowly comeback to you. Easier said than done, trust me I know!

Good luck!

Hey RF sorry you’re feeling down and miss your ex ... it’s hard sometimes when we find ourselves in a moment of weakness then feel guilty we even bothered reaching out just to have someone reply something seemingly disappointing to us . But I would take it as it is. Her responses aren’t engaging and it seems like she isn’t interested in speaking right now ... why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want you as much in return?
Try to focus on yourself right now and do a lot of self care ... let her go... if it’s meant to be , she will come back. I know it’s not what you want to hear when you’re sad but it’s nice to have other supporters trying to support you. I find in any moment of silence I realized I had lost myself for a bit and tend to focus back on me and bettering myself so I can get stronger and stronger each day to either handle my exes return or just purely for me... because what life would it be to just accept the person we are now ? Sounds cheesy , I know. But self awareness is a gift ... might as well use it to it’s fullest

[RomanticFool]

Thanks Secretgirl,

I am hunkering down and doing some hard work on myself right now. Looking at my emotional reactions to triggers and try to avoid toxic situations as much as toxic relationships. Being married when I met my ex was a key factor in how the r/s played out. Being in a toxic and difficult situation did not help with all the damage that I was dealing with in terms of her personality. She was diagnosed with bi polar and she certainly exhibited traits of some kind which were illustrated most starkly in a lack of empathy. She had no time for my emotional shortcomings and saw it as a sign of weakness. Recovering from the emotional and physical abuse that she inflicted on me is something that I am now concentrating on.

She will not come back. She told me at the beginning of the r/s that when she is done with somebody she moves on quickly and never goes back. She has been true to her word, which I questioned at the time and told her it seems a fickle way to deal with human beings. She backtracked at the time but her words always stayed with me and weirdly are a sort of comfort now because I know she won’t come back.

I will focus on getting myself stronger and focusing on my recovery in the SLAA fellowship. I am so pleased I have a network of support in the two fellowships and plenty of friends to consult regarding my emotional well-being. This relationship and my ex’s lack of empathy and regard for my well-being has taken me to a deep and dark place. I am slowly emerging into the light. I do not have a personality disorder but have learnt a lot about dealing with somebody who has. I have compassion for my ex because I know her abandonment fears overwhelmed her in our r/s. Unfortunately her pattern of behaviour will go unchecked as she moves from one r/s to another seeking somebody to fix her. I’m glad I have more awareness over my own issues and can focus on the way I attach to people in the early stages of relationships and how I react to emotional vampirism.