A lot of us would like to help you, RF.
You face the hard choice now of deciding to face the fact that you are suffering from consistently bad and unconventional relationship decisions, or of seeking those who will validate that the root of your emotional pain and suicidal idealiation as other people (denial).
| | September 28, 2018 Trying to decide to if you should let go of a 6 year marital affair and recover marriage. Your heart is to recover affair. You say you will attempt to revive marriage.
August 7, 2018: Wife goes on vacation. Start of new martial affair and a statement that your marriage is well over and a divorce is coming. Deep emotional struggle with old affair falls into the background.
October 8, 2018: You say My life has been a potential powder keg over the last 6 weeks. The AA woman I got involved with has been doing push/pull virtually every day around leaving my wife. I have reassured her a thousand times over the last six weeks that I love her and want to try to have a real relationship and future with her.
November, 2018: You vacation with your wife in Italy.
November, 2018: You say Every day some fresh hell has been laid at my door while she (new affair partner) overlooks her own behaviour. |
Now, 1 year later...You are suicidal.
Vacillating between trying to rekindle affair #2 and painting her black and as an emotional, physical abuser.
Living with wife. She is done and ready to divorce.
Engaging affair partner number #1 as a confidant and therapist.
I do not have BPD - nobody on here is qualified to diagnose me as BPD either.
RF, you are the one who said you have BPD traits (see below)... I was just mirroring this back to you.
I have been very open with her about my marriage, my ex and the fact that I am aware I may have some BPD traits. She in turn told me that her mother has NPD. I told her that I thought a significant number of people in AA (of which we are both members) may well have personality disorder traits. Now she has decided that I am a fully blown Narcissist...
I now realise what a total unboundaried idiot I’ve been with my freedom of information about myself...
Perhaps she is correct about me and is doing what she sees as the sensible thing. However, doing it the day after declaring her love for me has made me realise that her traits are probably worse than mine because she is in denial about them. At least I know about mine and can come on here and discuss them.
It doesn't matter what you call this, there is a path out, RF. But it starts with you.
Before you got into this last affair, you got a lot of advice that said to "resolve your marriage (or divorce)" before getting romantically involved. Yes, resolving the marriage (or divorce) would be a struggle and work and jumping into an affair was a lot more motivating, but conventional wisdom was that likelihood that this would leave to a constructive love was scant.
Having a three year affair with the first married women (when you were single) - conventional wisdom was that likelihood that this would leave to a constructive love was scant.
Having an affair three years into your marriage - conventional wisdom was that likelihood that this would leave to a constructive love was scant.
It happened.
But the lesson is that compounding this further by running into another relationship now will just make matters worse. You have been trying to resolve relationship problems with "ill advised' relationships for a decade. Read this:
So my ex (affair partner) and I are at detente. We are still in contact but not talking. There is no animosity and I have decided to move on by expanding my friendships with other women. Who am I kidding? Another woman.
There is a woman in AA who has gravitated towards me and I have allowed a friendship to blossom with her. She is due to go into hospital on Thursday for an operation and I have been spending time going out to the cinema and enjoying time with her. She knows I'm married and no doubt feels safe in my company since I have behaved like a perfect gentleman...
I am actually slightly annoyed at the AA woman deep down (not that I've let it show at all) as I feel like she is behaving a little like my ex. Enjoying my company and pulling away. In this case I think she simply wants a friendship to cope with the early days of not drinking. I shouldn't even be fraternising with her as I am long term sober and she is a newcomer to AA (not to mention I'm totally raw after the trauma of detaching from my ex) but I was drawn to her openness = unboundaried = my emotional equal = another impending disaster. Note to self: STAY AWAY!
and look at the date (where it fits in the timeline above). Look at what people were telling you at the time. Look at what you knew at the time. But you jumped in anyway. You have been powerless to avoid these "life traps";
powerless to manage intense emotions.
This is the issue you need to face. Because if you don't see taht this is what is killing you, you will do it again. Conventional wisdom says that it will takes 2-3 years to recover from a decade long collection of relationship debacles. You would do best to get into an environment where you can learn about healthy love.
