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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Today is a grief day  (Read 285 times)
Peaceandhealing

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« on: September 30, 2019, 02:58:07 AM »

Well here it comes again. Grief has rolled up and I feel steamrollered (again). It really is a cycle/spiral isn't it?   I've been reading about ambivalent loss and what it means to grieve for someone who is still living. It's hard work. I miss him so much on these days and yet I also know that he was incredibly toxic to be around ( massively angry, paranoid, incredibly verbally abusive and character assassinating regularly, put a tracker in my car without my knowledge, totally lost the plot when we split and accused me of all kinds of untrue awfulness etc etc you all know that stuff). For 5 years I considered him my fiancé, best friend, lover, the person that I was building a life with, I suppose that all that stuff/all those dreams need to be grieved for. I do wish that it hurt a bit less though!! Ouch!!
Any suggestions or thoughts on how to make my way more peacefully through the grief days? Thank you and love to everyone, especially those going through their own grief days. Xx
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2019, 11:34:30 AM »

Hey P&H, Yes, it's a cycle, which you are right to acknowledge.  I suggest you practice acceptance that it's over, and gratitude for being out of an unhealthy r/s.  Life is change and your grief is part of a process that leads to greater happiness, which is what it's all about, right?  From pain comes new growth, in my view, so be patient.  I lost myself for a while there in my marriage to a pwBPD.  Suggest you get back to being your normal, authentic self.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
zachira
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« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2019, 11:57:56 AM »

I admire your strength in knowing that you are grieving and looking for ways to make your way more peacefully through the grief days. From my experience, practicing mindfulness as much as possible throughout any day, not just days you are feeling the most pain, can help to process painful feelings before they become so overwhelming. It can be terribly painful to deal with the hurt and disappointment of a relationship that ended with a person that is still living. I think it is natural to wish that the person who hurt us would acknowledge how they have hurt us and genuinely apologize, as this can be tremendously healing. Can you tell us what words you would want to hear from your ex that would mean the world to you, and help you to put this relationship peacefully to rest?
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Peaceandhealing

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« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2019, 04:46:52 PM »

Thank you both for your wise replies. Acceptance, gratitude and mindfulness- that's helpful. Also the suggestion of getting back to my authentic self. I definitely lost myself big time in the relationship with my ex. It's funny but I think that I very much am grieving for what I thought the relationship was/could become rather than how it actually was. When he was in a good mood he was so lovely and I suppose it gave me lots of hope that we could "find a way to work it out". It was always me doing the work though when I think of it now and him raging or depressed or abandoning me in one way or another (I mean literally abandoning me by leaving me in places or running off when I was pregnant or miscarrying).
To be honest I don't think that there is anything that he could say that would make anything feel better now and I'm actually glad of that. I don't believe his words anymore (I've been no contact with him for a long time now). I stopped believing him after he admitted to having stalked me (with the car tracker) and begged for forgiveness saying that he did it because he loved me so much etc etc. The next day he then asked for it back intact to resell on eBay to get his money back.
Thank you guys for helping me work a bit more of this through and for responding xx
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2019, 07:21:00 PM »

I’m feeling the exact same way today, ironically. 5 months NC. It’s this weird place of your heart aching for someone who abused you. I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s missing them and the awesome times you had. Wishing you were still with them in those times. It’s not missing the threatening, scary, confusing, dishonest, accusatory, stressed out times. Unfortunately with BPD you can’t have one without the other. I wish I had the answer for both of us, how to lighten the load on these painful days. You mentioned you have been NC for quite some time.  What has been the most successful so far in getting you through hard days?

I try and focus on the abusive behavior he showed towards me vs how happy he made me. But my mind seems to revert back to the good stuff. Damit. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #5 on: October 01, 2019, 11:44:29 AM »

Excerpt
It was always me doing the work though when I think of it now and him raging or depressed or abandoning me in one way or another

Hey P&H, Right, the Non often winds up doing the work, in order to calm the turbulent waters around the pwBPD.  Though one hopes for something stable, it often turns out that turmoil is the norm in a BPD r/s.  Glad to hear you decided to get off the roller coaster.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Peaceandhealing

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« Reply #6 on: October 02, 2019, 12:22:51 AM »

Lucky Jim- that one phrase totally covers it. I did indeed "decide to get off the rollercoaster". Thank you for that. It is a very useful image and phrase that I can repeat to myself, a sort of affirmation if you like. I find that sort of thing helpful as they keep my brain focused on what I want to focus on!! As I was working to get out of the relationship I wrote "I am not responsible for other people's happiness or their mental health" and "I am responsible for my own happiness and mental health" on a card that I kept with me in my wallet. For me it was like retraining my brain away from thoughts of "I must always help others", " my ex is my soulmate" " I must always be loyal and hopeful" " I'm the only one who has ever understood him-which is what he used to say- and therefore am responsible for him" " if only I can learn to communicate better then he won't get angry/upset" etc
So H and B I'd start there!! Write down short messages to yourself about the truth of the situation and keep retreading them!! I need to do that lots more on grief days! Keep your focus on you as LJ mentioned earlier. I also do more self care stuff on sad days- make it simple! Warm baths,  nice cups of tea, walks places that I love. Counselling has also been brilliant. Please don't take this the wrong way but I'd start my changing your user name in this group. ❤️️ Give yourself something to aim for not how you are feeling now. Only a suggestion and your feelings are very valid xx
Thank you again everyone xx
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Peaceandhealing

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« Reply #7 on: October 02, 2019, 12:34:15 AM »

I forgot to say- thank you H and B for reminding me that you can't have one part of the BPD without the other. When I remember that I was and would have had to keep saying yes to ALL of my ex-including the abuse, paranoia and stalking then it makes a nonsense of the relationship frankly! I believe now that I coped in the relationship by sort of seeing him as 2 separate people!! The good and the awful. I toughed it out through the awful and adored the good. The cost to me was immense. I got (diagnosed) PTSD!! I realise that I always do the bad bits as something that I could and should fix- that if we could just get those bits sorted then life would be a dream (ha ha!!! Spell check just offered me DRAMA instead of DREAM!!!) says it all!! Xx
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #8 on: October 02, 2019, 10:24:35 AM »

Excerpt
As I was working to get out of the relationship I wrote "I am not responsible for other people's happiness or their mental health" and "I am responsible for my own happiness and mental health" on a card that I kept with me in my wallet.

Hey P&H, I like that card you wrote!  I'm a loyal person, too, and it took me a long time to see that my loyalty was misplaced with a persecutor, my BPDxW, who treated me poorly.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Peaceandhealing

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« Reply #9 on: October 03, 2019, 12:38:11 AM »

Dear LJ
I really understand that our loyalty can keep us hoping and trying and putting up with all kinds of awfulness "in the name of love". Funny how in all of it I forgot to live and be loyal to mysel Actually not surprising at all when I think about it. My ex had the most incredible way of always getting others to believe that he was the victim- with friends, at work, with me, with family and ANYTHING that anyone did or said that wasn't what he wanted triggered a huge meltdown 'poor me. Life and God hate me" type moment then a total persecuter rage "I shall annihilate them" type thing. When he was in that space he'd pull out all the stops and scream, shout, be physically abusive at times, throw things, storm off, stonewall, write pages and pages of abuse and then email it. That sort of stuff. He felt TOTALLY justified in doing this as HE was the victim in his mind. He'd react to stuff that was very minor or actually totally his fault to begin with- for example me showing a couple of people (really close friends ) a 10 page really awful abusive email that he'd sent me in order to get clarity on 'was I really like that?' meant that I was a covert narcissist and was shaming him etc. Writing this down actually is useful! I've never thought of him as a persecuter before but yes that's totally right. Thank you LJ.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #10 on: October 03, 2019, 10:37:54 AM »

Hey P&H, You're welcome.  Those w/BPD can be quite convincing to others.  My BPDxW is a gregarious person and was known as the unofficial "mayor" of our small time.  Little did people know what the "mayor" was really like behind closed doors!  She snowed people.  Yes to pulling out all the stops, smashing things, throwing things, yelling, chasing me around the house and being physically abusive.  Yes, I forgot my loyalty to myself!

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Peaceandhealing

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« Reply #11 on: October 04, 2019, 03:25:23 PM »

That sounds really horrible but typical LJ. I'm glad that you are free of that relationship. It has been really helpful to explore some of this stuff in more detail on this thread. I was hit by a sudden thought this morning-the person that deserves my compassion, love and kindness, the person that I should reserve my feelings of grief for in this situation is frankly MYSELF. My ex was horribly abusive, judgmental, critical, cruel and unkind on a regular basis.  Though at times he acted very loving, he always threw everything that he could at me in an attempt to utterly destroy me when he was feeling upset. He did and said some terrible things and I shouldered the blame for " causing him to feel or act that way" when I'd actually done nothing other than make a reasonable request, try to put a boundary in place or refuse to put up with unreasonable behaviour. I'm really beginning to feel what I have been through. I was so numb for so long.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #12 on: October 07, 2019, 11:04:16 AM »

Excerpt
I was hit by a sudden thought this morning-the person that deserves my compassion, love and kindness, the person that I should reserve my feelings of grief for in this situation is frankly MYSELF.

Right, P&H, self-love is fundamental to one's recovery, which sounds easy but is pretty tough for us Nons, due to our codependent tendencies.  My vow is never to be the object of anyone's abuse again.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Peaceandhealing

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« Reply #13 on: October 11, 2019, 06:37:39 AM »

Absolutely LJ. ❤️️
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Woolspinner2000
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« Reply #14 on: October 13, 2019, 08:38:14 PM »

Hi PeaceandhealingWelcome new member (click to insert in post)

The thread title caught my eye. I hear you and am right there with you. Thank you for sharing and everyone for the great and helpful answers.

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Wools
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There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
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