Married 25 years but BPD...

[Im Empty]

I don't now where to start.  There is so much to share.  Any ideas and suggestions are appreciated. 

Demographics:  My wife and I are in our mid 40s and have been married for 25 years.  She has struggled with mental illness (I now believe BPD) since she was in junior high.  We have three beautiful kids 18, 16, and 14 who are active and successful - but teenagers.  Is there a forum for dealing with them too?   

Background:  I've always been the "keep you nose to the grindstone" and keep trying it will get better kind of person.  I'm also known as "Mr. fix-it".  Bad personality combination for someone with BPD.  I've known for almost 30 years that my wife has struggled with mental illness (depression and obsessive compulsive personality disorder) but numerous treatments (ECT, inpatient hospitalizations, medications galore, and some therapy) have been little help to her.

I'm here to learn more about BPD and hopefully put that knowledge to use in an effort to save our marriage.  I'm reading and watching as much as I can, but feeling very overwhelmed at this point.  I"m glad to be part of this group/forum.  Thank you.

Sincerely,
I'm Empty
 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Welcome Im Empty!

You've come to the right place. We have a lot of experience and skills we can share that can help you. And you may have experience that can help others, too!

I can understand that there are a lot of emotions at play and you're wading through a LOT of information. You're right. It's overwhelming. But we can help break it down for you.

If you were to point to one aspect of your relationship that's causing the most trouble, what would it be? Can you give some specific examples?

[Im Empty]

Feelings are a little raw and I'm tired so I apologize if this jumps around.

When we communicate we fight - a lot!  I'm starting to realize that 20+ years of this has turned me into a very distant, unsympathetic and unempathetic person.  We sleep in separate rooms and only talk when decisions/discussions need to be made regarding our kids or household - and those RARELY go well.  We're at Stonewalling of the Four Horsemen.  The website describes this as a result of being physiologically flooded.  Wow!  I couldn't agree more. 

I hurt!  She has told terrible lies about me and my family.  As a result I have major trust issues.  As soon as I believe things are getting better something else happens.  I feel like our relationship is at the end of it's rope.  The cycle and the fact that it continues to repeat itself is draining.  I hate coming home after work.

I have to change how I respond when she starts yelling.  I have to change how I approach her when she tells lies because she can't help it.  I have to...  I have to...  I'm tired and empty.  I guess it's my inability to "deal" with her illness and accept there is nothing I can to help her that eats me the most.  Not just that I can't fix it, but I have to change who I am.  My words and feelings.  Theoretically, I understand that is not what is going on but...  UGH.

The more I read about BPD the more discouraged I get.  In some ways I wished that my therapist hadn't mentioned this website to me.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

[Ozzie101]

I'm so sorry, Im Empty. Believe me when I say I and many others here get it. These relationships can be absolutely exhausting. And more than 20 years is a LONG time. No wonder you're worn out. I've only been married 3 years and the big dysregulation phase was only about 6 months so I can't imagine the strength and courage it's taken you to get where you are.

Even though my time was much shorter, I, too, dreaded coming home to him. And when I came here, it was somewhat disheartening and overwhelming. "He's the one who's doing this! Why should I have to be the one to put in the effort and change?" The answer, I learned, was that it had to be me because it could only be me. He couldn't get there on his own. He wasn't healthy enough. I could have walked out the door. In fact, I sort of did. That was enough in my case to shock him into reality and get him truly committing to change. Not everyone is so lucky, though, and it's not a strategy I recommend (wasn't even a "strategy" really -- I just had enough and decided to end it, which ended up unintentionally triggering a turn-around).

But the point is, if I wanted the marriage to work, I had to put in effort. I had to see the part I played (and even though I was a victim of emotional and verbal abuse, I was playing a part in the cycle -- it takes two). That doesn't mean changing who you are. You have to be true to yourself and your boundaries and sense of right and wrong. But it may mean changing your habits and patterns of behavior. And changing your communication style can actually be beneficial -- not just in your BPD relationship.

You can't change your feelings, either. Feelings are feelings. But it may mean changing how you process and act on them.

None of that is easy. But if you want to save your marriage, that's what it takes. And if that's what you want, we will help you break it down into manageable, bite-sized pieces.

One thing that's super-important: Are you taking care of yourself? Do you have hobbies? Do things with friends or family? Take time just to do something that refreshes you and brings you peace and happiness? Self-care is a huge part of this and if you're not taking care of yourself and replenishing yourself, it will be difficult (if not impossible) to accomplish whatever goals you set.

[Panda39]

I hear you on feeling overwhelmed, I watched my partner go through the same thing with his uBPDex.  It is a constant bombardment of all kinds of stuff/drama that just becomes too much, wears you down and you give up on your position or what you want/need just to make it stop.   

One of the biggest lessons I've learned here is the only people we can truly control/change is ourselves.  You can't make your wife or anyone else do, think, believe something they don't. 

In making changes in how we respond or don't respond to the pwBPD (person with BPD) in our lives we create ripple effects that change the relationship dynamic.  We often go round and round, over and over again doing the same dysfunctional things...wash, rinse, repeat.  It's about changing the dysfunctional dance to something else, to something better, and since your wife isn't changing anything, that's where making your own changes comes in.

What would happen if when the yelling started you told your wife that you want to have a conversation but maybe it would be good for you both to take a break so everyone could cool down and you went for a short walk? One small change on your part, that could change the entire interaction. 

Boundaries to me is one of the biggest tools we have...a boundary could be that you will take a break/walk if she starts yelling. This is about protecting you (you do not have to stand there and take verbal abuse) it is not about punishing her it's about cooling down so you can have a conversation instead of a screaming match. 

Below is a link to Do's & Dont's in a BPD Relationship that you might find helpful...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.msg591101#msg591101

I'm glad you decided to jump in and post, there is a lot of support, tools, ideas, and members that have been there here on this site that can help.

Hang in there,
Panda39