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Hi. It has now gone over 5 months since my ex disappeared with an textmessage.. Am still in theraphy and it helps me a lot. During this time alone, i have been going through a lots of thoughts.. trying to repair myself from the damage of all of it. I still do cry sometimes, not that often anymore.. but sometimes it feel like my past is so near.  I can feel all it like it was yesterday... I do miss her so much! But it is not that painful all the time. I still do have her and me on my screen on my mobile, havent been able to change it, neither all her textmessage or photos of her , her and me.. and many places i go to, reminds me of "us".. and that hurts a bit. But am not ready to delete all about her right now . Do you think i am atupid not doing it? My friends keeps telling me to get rid and change the pic on my phone. But who are they to tell me to do or not to? They havent been in my situation.. they dont feel what i feel... i get pissed off when they say so.. I know in my heart she is gone. But I miss her. Her presence. Because in some strange way she made me also happy, she is not all bad. She is human too.. even though her evil behavour i will always have a part of me that loves her. I would give all i have, just to have an normal conversation with her for 30 minutes and then she will be gone, 30 minutes to memorize her face..Am not ready to see some new woman.. it will take time. Even if i long fpr true Love so much.. why is it so hard to move on guys? I have come far in my depression? PTSD?  Is it that i have? Am also a bit afraid to forget all about her, the memories are not that clear anylonger and i am afraid to forget her complete - that i dont want too. . Am i crazy?

Tell me please... respond

[Yoke]

Hi. It has now gone over 5 months since my ex disappeared with an textmessage.. Am still in theraphy and it helps me a lot. During this time alone, i have been going through a lots of thoughts.. trying to repair myself from the damage of all of it. I still do cry sometimes, not that often anymore.. but sometimes it feel like my past is so near.  I can feel all it like it was yesterday... I do miss her so much! But it is not that painful all the time. I still do have her and me on my screen on my mobile, havent been able to change it, neither all her textmessage or photos of her , her and me.. and many places i go to, reminds me of "us".. and that hurts a bit. But am not ready to delete all about her right now . Do you think i am atupid not doing it? My friends keeps telling me to get rid and change the pic on my phone. But who are they to tell me to do or not to? They havent been in my situation.. they dont feel what i feel... i get pissed off when they say so.. I know in my heart she is gone. But I miss her. Her presence. Because in some strange way she made me also happy, she is not all bad. She is human too.. even though her evil behavour i will always have a part of me that loves her. I would give all i have, just to have an normal conversation with her for 30 minutes and then she will be gone, 30 minutes to memorize her face..Am not ready to see some new woman.. it will take time. Even if i long fpr true Love so much.. why is it so hard to move on guys? I have come far in my depression? PTSD?  Is it that i have? Am also a bit afraid to forget all about her, the memories are not that clear anylonger and i am afraid to forget her complete - that i dont want too. . Am i crazy?

Tell me please... respond

[Pytagoras]

You are still very attached to her.

I find myself in the same position, even knowing that she leaved me for another man (altough she continued with me to the very end of it. If i didn't discovered the truth, maybe until today). And that she cheated on me, lied, robbed, etc.

I'm still holding on to something, idk what. My mind still creates all this strange fantasies of us in the future, even knowing that she destroyed everything and made any r/s impossible. My mind doesn't want to let go. Doesn't want to release me. And it must.

And part of me is afraid of letting her go into the oblivian... Part of me is scared of the death. The death of a dream, of a fantasy, of her in my life, of all that she represented.

I understand you, and it's very sad.

But today, i have no other option. I can just accept what life brought and look forward for what will she bring me next.

[BrokenSpokane]

You are not crazy. My exBPD made me feel like I was the world to her. She would say things that made me feel so special, so loved. But, the reality is, she knew what to say to me to make me stay and be with her.

We even did marriage counseling with my therapist. During a session, the therapist asked T to tell me how she felt about me. She turned to me and told me how wonderful I was, that she didn't deserve me, that I was more than she deserved, etc. Well, my last therapy session (I still go), my therapist told me that T's statement to me, all of that, was a show. She told me that she saw right through it. She's seen this disorder so many times.

Anyway, the therapist reminds me that she's not normal, she has a bottomless pit inside her that she tries to fill up. I can't fill it no matter what, hence the push/pull away, anger, sarcasm, belittling, hitting, name calling and no-win situations.

I too have fantasized about getting back together, having a life with her like we used to have before we got married. For, everything was great, she was great. But, who she was before we got married is only part of her. I got to see the whole her.

This article helped me:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality#1

[BrokenSpokane]

This is another page that really has been helping me detach.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

There's no way I want to go back to the way it was, I don't want her back. But, I understand the intense need of wanting that FEELING back. She knew how to manipulate and control me. But, the love she gave wasn't real. I'm detaching so I can move on and eventually be in a caring, loving, stable relationship.

Detaching for me is very important in the process of getting go and moving on.

[once removed]

Am also a bit afraid to forget all about her, the memories are not that clear anylonger and i am afraid to forget her complete

i think that this happens when we grieve. memories, faces, laughs: they become blurry and distant.

if it makes you feel better, you wont forget her completely. ive been out of my relationship for nearly nine years now, and i went through the same thing, seemingly unable to recall or remember her, but today i remember plenty, the good and the bad, just without the pain attached.

think of it as the memories just "changing". youre detaching from the wounds.

[Yoke]

@onceremoved. Thanx. Yes, i belive that we never forget them because of our scars they left us with.. but we will not either forget the love they gave us, true or not. We felt that in the moment, and we loved them. Thats why we stayed.. As you say, we will remember - just without the pain. I know it will take time, and it has too and i accept it. I accept thati still love her, miss her, dream about her. Because i loved her. I also accept that she will never explain why she left, or that she will come back to me again. Because she won't. Then she would be back now, right? I miss her presence,  even if i experienced the worst treatment from her. She did not just hurt me  she brought me amazing memories. I just wish she could .. some day understand how much i loved her, cared about her and was true with everything. And that she could see the pain she made me feel when she disappeared... that would calm my soul.../ yoke

[Yoke]

Soon it's my ex birthday and one year since we got engaged.. that brings up lots of memories for me. I am moving foward, still in theraphy and i like it a lot. It helps. I am looking for a house to buy. I have tried talk to other women online but i realise its too soon for me to do that. I havent grieved ready yet. Sometimes, especially weekends when am off work, the loneliness makes me sad and I miss my ex so much. Because with her, i did not feel alone. We used to do things every weekend. Just stay in bed listen to the rain, slept over at our favourite hotel, just cooked and watched horrowmovies.. all that comes up and then i cry. I cry because i miss her, as a person. The fine moments we had. But i remind myself that it all was not good and it will never be the same anymore. I will never meet another woman like her, i just know it. Maybe i will never meet someone again. But i hope so. I feel much anger still, towards myself and her, the relationship and how i could do belive she was true about her love, how i could harm myself staying in the abuse.. it was because of love. From me. It was of fear losing someone i love. My own fear be abandonded.. that is some things i have learned from theraphy and about myself.  Its hard, to face all your fear.. but it was about time i did it. And am glad i have done it. The hope of her is gone.. the hope of her say she is sorry is gone. I do can admit that i do still love her and miss her like hexx still. It will take time to get over her. It has to take time, i must allow it too. Take its time, be angry, be sad and cry, feel emtyness,  miss her... it will be better some day. I often think of  does she ever think of me? Or am i like air to her? Are all her memories of "us" gone? Stupid huh? Yes.. because what would it change? Nothing. Maybe one thing. It would calm my soul to know that i DID meant something to her.. but it will never happen. She is gone forever. And i have to take a new path... hurtful but i have to do it. I was thinking just to put a greetingcard in her mailbox when she is having bday. With no name or nothing. Just a printed card saying congrats.. but that is maybe a stupid idea? So i better not...

[Cromwell]

A lot of the memories that are hard id go so far to say impossible to forget - visual ones, tactile, sensory, auditory. To face only two possibilities as goals "memorise" or "forget", binary "this or that" - the big picture for me was to accept that there would be a realistic outcome of both, but my own goal was modified to not being upset by either or having either effect the here-and-now. It is the past after all? The memories representing recall of a bygone era. We have a saying here, it amounts to a "trip down memory lane".

Perhaps the advice from your friends to remove the picture from your phone is well meaning? I deleted every picture long ago, it made little difference to the memories or ability to recall. What it did do, is control the likelihood of having an unnecessary trigger. How would you feel about considering to keep the pictures stored somewhere safe and see how that goes? See how it works - experiment, if you decide you want to put her back on your home screen the option is always there.

I know how birthdays, christmas etc, can be emotional moments. It was very difficult when I faced the situation of feeling maybe I should send just a card -show that their is no ill-feelings or animosity at the least? A way of finding some more refined form of closure from what actually happened? Part of that is I believe also rooted in habit of doing this in previous years. in other words- not really about what a birthday card should be about at all.

I believe if you can get through this until her birthday passes, it will be to your advantage, think of it, a whole extra year before a possibility to face such a decision, chances are you may even feel different about it by then. Cast your mind back to when you gave her the flowers - it did not end well. Would this new gesture help?

- if - she has a negative opinion of you - splitted you as 'bad' - a card is likely in that situation to only be interepreted in an equally negatively way, example "I bet this is Yoke, she wont leave me in peace in my relationship - harrassing me with a card with no name on it"

It is like giving proof to someone in their mind that they were right to behave the way they did.

Thats just one angle on it that I considered and why I personally did not, Yoke, also for what I said earlier, the card would have been more about "me" and trying to soothe from this rather than "her" birthday.

Besides, my birthday falls a month before hers and she never sent me one...