I just wrote this to another member, and it applies well to your situation:
This kind of push-pull dynamic is a hallmark of BPD relationships. It can be very confusing, but once we recognize it as a pattern, it can become a little less confusing. pwBPD often have ambivalent feelings about intimacy. They may want it, but it may be scary. So they get close, then push away, then want to get close again. Knowing that this is going on can help us take things less personally.
When things are going well, enjoy it, but try to still be observant and mindful about what's going on. If they raise the level of intensity and you want to respond, go for it, but be aware that if you raise the level of intensity, it may scare them. If they pull away, give them some space, but be available for reconnection. While they are in a pulled back mode, use that time for self care activities and to make sure you're not losing touch with other friends and your support network.
It's very important for you to not lose touch with your emotional needs and what works for you in a relationship. It would be nice if you could have a conversation with her where she acknowledges how what she did made you feel, and makes you feel safe to come back into the relationship. She may not have the relationship skills for that. When she says she "just wants to be friends," she's saying that the intimacy scared her, and right now, that's what she feels safe with. You can choose to be friends and proceed cautiously, or to distance yourself further. There's no right answer, it depends on your feelings and needs. How are you feeling about things now?
RC
