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Author Topic: I've never been so confused - love, distance, silence  (Read 806 times)
Ppit2019

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« on: October 16, 2019, 11:50:27 AM »

I met a girl 5 months ago.  We went on two great dates then she disappeared. At that point in time it didn't bug me and I sent her a text message here and there. 1.5-2 weeks later she was talkative again, wanted to hang out every day, was loving above and beyond everyone I dated; It was amazing. We would go weeks being inseparable then a she may have had a mood swing and we would not talk or see each other as much but still everything was fine. 

about 2 or so weeks ago she was telling me how lucky she was to have me in her life, telling me how much she likes me, everything was great... then she got jealous about a few things that were made up in her head. That week she wanted some space and it took her a few days of silence to tell me.  By the weekend she was back to being normal and told me she "didn't know how to tell the girl she's dating that she didn't want to be affectionate" I explained she can just talk to me about things. The next week she went back to not talking as much and not wanting to be affectionate. By weekend it flipped again; The Friday when around her friends affection was okay but the Saturday it wasn't okay but we still spent the day together. Then Sunday her mood was off and I could tell.  She asked to hang out twice and both times she quickly changed her mind, instead we just texted throughout the night.  I sent her a link to something and that was the last message. I have not heard from her in a week and a half.

I'm so confused and have never been through something like this.
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Radcliff
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2019, 09:45:08 PM »

Welcome

This kind of push-pull dynamic is a hallmark of BPD relationships.  It can be very confusing, but once we recognize it as a pattern, it can become a little less confusing.  pwBPD often have ambivalent feelings about intimacy.  They may want it, but it may be scary.  So they get close, then push away, then want to get close again.  Knowing that this is going on can help us take things less personally.

When things are going well, enjoy it, but try to still be observant and mindful about what's going on.  If they raise the level of intensity and you want to respond, go for it, but be aware that if you raise the level of intensity, it may scare them.  If they pull away, give them some space, but be available for reconnection.  While they are in a pulled back mode, use that time for self care activities and to make sure you're not losing touch with other friends and your support network.  Does this sound like it will help?

RC
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Ppit2019

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2019, 09:40:30 AM »

That did help.  I don't think she is going to return, which hurts quite a bit, and I can't do much about it.  I haven't reached out to this person either because I am assuming they need space.  They told me once, "sometimes you will have to come fish me out & sometimes I am going to come back on my own"; how am I supposed to know the difference?  She's sometimes been MIA for a day, needed space for a week but has still talked to me, this is the first time it has been radio silence.

I've been keeping busy hanging out with my friends, working out, visiting family.  I just keep thinking they have found someone else to put on a pedestal and I've been removed.
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2019, 01:04:18 AM »

Giving space is absolutely appropriate.  How much space?  That depends.  You can send a gentle trial balloon, something saying you're thinking of her, with no pressure applied for her to respond, or you can wait and see if she comes back.  There's no one right solution.  Do you want to maximize the chances for a continued relationship?  Do you want to give her a lot of space and only rekindle things if she's really into you and comes back on her own?  Do you want to move on?  What are your thoughts?  It's OK if they're mixed, and it's also OK if they change over time.

RC
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Ppit2019

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #4 on: October 21, 2019, 03:55:41 PM »

It has now been 3 weeks that she has not reached out to me.  I have mixed feelings between wanting to move on and wanting her to reach out to me in hopes we are able to rekindle the relationship. I don't see this happening at all as it has been quite a bit not to speak to someone.  I've started to speak to other woman to push me to move on, as much as I want her back I don't feel it will happen.

It's sad but I would wait ...
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Anonym2806
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 126


« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2019, 04:10:57 PM »

It has now been 3 weeks that she has not reached out to me.  I have mixed feelings between wanting to move on and wanting her to reach out to me in hopes we are able to rekindle the relationship. I don't see this happening at all as it has been quite a bit not to speak to someone.  I've started to speak to other woman to push me to move on, as much as I want her back I don't feel it will happen.

It's sad but I would wait ...

Hi Ppit,

I would say good luck because it's a very tough situation.
I'm in the same situation. It's very tough.
Move on is not easy without answers from their side but the only thing you can do is trying to rationalize the situation to feel less pain (they are ill) .
For me,  I don't want to date someone else because I know if she comes back, I will let the other woman and I risk to create pain to someone.
Take care of you is the most important that you can do I think for the moment.

Good luck.
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clvrnn
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 501



« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2019, 06:03:48 PM »

Hello,

Your experience sounds identical to mine. I would say you are doing the right thing by trying to branch out and look for other people to date, even though you may not truly want to. Unfortunately, this pattern is only likely to get worse, in time.

I myself had an identical experience - I was seeing someone and any time things grew in intensity, she'd pull away/distance/end it. The endings only grew in severity and the silence she would issue became permanent, and I've been cut off and cut out of her life with no real explanation. I would urge you to think about how this is all likely to pan out.

I'm sorry also that you're going through this, I know how tough it can be.
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Ppit2019

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5


« Reply #7 on: October 22, 2019, 11:08:20 AM »

It is all so hard; I have this thought her name will just pop up on my phone.  Obviously, this is affecting me even speaking to other women.
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Radcliff
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3377


Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #8 on: October 25, 2019, 03:01:57 PM »

Yes, it's hard.  Give yourself permission to take time to process all of this.  Don't expect yourself to have answers right away.  With respect to seeing other people, there's no right answer.  If you think it will help you, do it with caution.  If you can hold off, that may give you more space to process.  How are you feeling lately?

RC
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