How to show I am there for him when he won't say what's wrong? Silence + Rage

[hopeandchoices]

This is my first post here, so I'm not too sure what to say or where to start. I've been with my boyfriend for a few years, but only in this last year have things gotten really bad and a diagnosis of BPD been made. Before this year, if I look back, I can definitely see PD traits, but nothing a severe as this year has been. I guess it's developed in to a more full form during our relationship.

There are a lot of problems and I am struggling in a few different ways in our relationship, but on this post I'll just start with one as it's just happened so it's all fresh in my mind.

One manifestations of my boyfriend's BPD is when he goes into a general dark place or dark episode, a lot of the time it comes on seemingly without cause, often with trigger but sometimes really not an obvious one, and so sometimes I really can't tell at all what happened or what triggered him into the episode, if anything did at all.

I can visibly see something is wrong as he physically shuts down, doesn't speak, frowns or groans and sometimes cries and gets angry non-verbally. Sometimes I am able to work out what it is, especially if I saw it or if it's obvious, and try to comfort him about it or be there, but often I have no idea what's happened or what's wrong.

I try to ask what's wrong or what's happened, ask if he can try to tell me what's going on - but that I understand if he can't/doesn't want to talk right now - that I just want to know so that I can be there for him, understand, and try to help.

He gets angry at this, frowns more, shuts down more, groans more, and sometimes leaves and goes into another room or if in public walk off or faster. He doesn't answer me at all. I feel really upset but I do everything I can not to show it and try to understand that it's not about me.

I usually try to catch up to make sure he knows I am there for him and not upset, and that I am still ready to listen and be there if he needs me. I apologise if I think that he's angry or upset at something I've done, even if I don't know what it is. He usually just continues to ignore me and seem exactly the same if not more anger/frustration-wise. I feel really silly at this point because I am essentially following someone around who seems frustrated at my presence. He's expressed in the past that he gets angry being 'watched' or 'followed' - so it pains me to do this, but I don't know what else to do. I'm too scared to leave him on his own in that state for his own safety (self-harmer and suicidal ideation) and incase he thinks I don't care or that I'm abandoning him. Equally I know that what I'm doing is doing no good.

If we are in our flat, I try to be physically near him so he knows I am there (i.e. if he is sitting or lying down, I'll kneel by him), and try to reiterate verbally that I don't know what's wrong, but whatever it is, I am here for him and I apologise again if I did anything that upset him. He just gets worse and worse, ignores me, shuts down/groans more. He then might ask, "what are you doing?" and I say "I'm trying to be here for you", and he just gets frustrated. Eventually he escalates it to "why don't you just help me", "you don't care". I try not to get triggered by this, but occasionally I have gotten upset and said "what do you think I've been trying to do this whole time?" which of course has lead him to spiral into full rage.

I feel like I can do no right: I try to be there for him and I make him angry, frustrated and annoyed. Then it comes out that I don't care, that I don't help, that I'm not doing anything.

I've just finished Kreger's Walking on Eggshells, but all of this is still very, very new to me, and consolidating what I've read in my head and in practise will take time. It's all still quite foggy and scary.

I'm sure others have been in similar situations - ignored and left with silence to their questions so they feel left in the dark when they can see something is wrong. At calmer times when I ask what I can do better he has said "I just want you to be here for me" - I feel like I've exhausted my methods of trying to be there for him or showing him that I am.. does anyone have any advice on how I can be there for him better/show him better? I know what I am doing isn't working, but I don't know what else to do. I feel really stuck and don't know how to change at least my behaviour for the better.

Thank you for your time and for your help. I am so glad I found this community. Thank you xx

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[BadIdeasCanSwim]

Hello H+C,

I'm still very new to this stuff as well. I am by no means an expert.

I also relate to the parts about being in "no win" situations. It's a tough thing to deal with when this stuff is happening to someone you love.

When this happens do you have any idea what might be upsetting him? Or are you aware of any issues that can be a sore subject and trigger these feelings? If so, try and validate the emotion that he is feeling and validate how hard it is to have that emotion.

Here is some good reading on validation from this board:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124001.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=191788.0

However, if you don't know what emotion he is having and why he is having it you probably shouldn't attempt to validate it.

Another option is to ask him what he would want you to do in that situation once he's had a chance to calm down. Would you be comfortable pointing out that you want to help, but feel you're put into a no-win situation where offering to help is smothering but giving him space will come across as you not caring? I have done this with my wife and she was receptive.

As a general comment this stuff is really, really hard. You can read books and see advice and as an abstract concept it's simple, but actually applying it is very hard. Especially during emotionally tense times.

If affordable/available, I would recommend going to individual therapy. Another good book to read is "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning. That book and individual therapy (and asking questions about that book in individual therapy) has done a ton to improve my own quality of life.

[lucidone]

I'm afraid that I don't have advice but I can at least share my experiences, and iterate that me and others have felt the confusion and frustration as well.

My exbpd did something similar, and it was usually a precursor to some kind of emotional outburst.  It was obvious that something was wrong, but she would never admit that there was.  I'm not sure if there was intense emotions that she couldn't make sense of or verbalize, or if there was a learned behavior to keep it to herself.  She told me a few times that when she gets like that to give her a hug, because she's feeling emotional.  Although I don't remember that making a big difference.

Trying to sit there and rationally work it out didn't do anything, and it almost seemed like it made it worse, despite me wanting to help.  I've also tried to do nothing, aside from letting her know that if she wants to talk about it then I'd be happy to.  But I think to her that was akin to ignoring her.  It was one of the harder aspects of associating with her because pretty much no matter what I did it didn't really help, and often it would slowly escalate from some kind of passive, silent hostility to a temper tantrum, and even to us breaking up.

To me it seemed like she had an emotional concern that she didn't know how to deal with, or even verbalize, that she expected me to magically make go away.  Of course there's no magic solution, so when I couldn't, she would vent her emotion on me, with some kind of fabricated rationalization.

[once removed]

hi hopeandchoices, and

what are your thoughts? any update?

[missyou]

Dear Hopeandchoices,
Thank you for your note and kind words.
I just read your post and I agree, we seem to have very similar partners and similar experiences . I find it very challenging trying to navigate the rollercoaster of moods and emotional dysregulation of my H.  This forum has been a great resource. The  tools and posts from other members help in dealing with the challenges of living with a pwBPD. 
" The family" are wonderful for giving perspective and support .They have been my life line,and have helped me keep on keeping on when I was floundering and having difficulty getting through some confusing situations with my H.  It's a confusing maze of emotions some times, and it's good to have a family that understands what you are going through and to know you are not alone.
Big hug to you for strength to get through the challenges.
MY

[missyou]

Hi Hopeandchoice
How are things going for you?
Any signs of improvement with BF?
Are you finding some time for support and self care?   It's easy to get run down and feel overwhelmed by our pwBPD, especially if we don't take care of ourselves.
Having said that, it's sometimes easier said than done.   Even if you just have a cup of tea and listen to some favorite music, might be a quick soothing pick up.
Hugs to you, take care and stay strong.
MY

[hopeandchoices]

Hi MY and everyone else. Thank you all so much for replying. I found reading all your related experiences so uplifting. I am so relieved I am not alone. Thank you for all the advice so far. I found it too difficult to find the energy to log back on here for a while so I tried to deal with it all myself, which was a bad idea! I've come back on now and feel much better reading replies and keeping the conversation going. This community has been a massive help so far so I'm not going to try and deal with it all on my own again! I basically remained in Silent Treatment World for ages, so I took a little time away as it was upsetting me too much and saw my parents for a few days, and there was a slight improvement when I came back but I ended up staying in the living room and him in the bedroom since then, over a month now I think. So it's awkward but we sometimes talk. But we've never dealt with the core of the issues properly because he doesn't want to speak to me about them. There have been a couple of 'showdowns' but I have sadly gotten angry and let myself down by not being as good an active listener as I know I should be. I think think comes from the hurt that the silent treatment has caused. As soon as I actually have a chance to speak and be replied to, e.g. in the argument, I use this as the opportunity to express how hurt I am and unfair the ST is, which is obviously the complete wrong time as he's in a bad state then! He says then that there is no point talking to me (like i want him to, to discuss the problems) which is totally understandable because the moments where we have talked have been arguments where I haven't been able to not take it personally and become defensive like I know I shouldn't. I am really, really emotional sometimes so it's really difficult for me to depersonalise when I'm being raged at or accused or blamed and painted black. Then I end up getting upset and he feels like I am no help because he then has to deal with me on top of all the pain and suffering he was already feeling. My other option when I can tell something is wrong and he's in a bad place is to leave him alone, stay away so as to not make things worse. But then he feels like I'm completely ignoring him, which I totally get. I tend to do the extremes - either be there and get emotional or suffocate him, or not be able to hold back my own upset in order to actively empathise with him, OR I just stay away out of fear of getting things wrong and making things worse which makes him feel alone and abandoned. I feel like I need to learn how to emotionally support him better. I don't know how to show him I'm 'there for him' if he doesn't want to talk. I feel like this rollercoaster has gone on so long I don't even know what 'being there' looks like anymore.

Thank you for your advice and for checking in on me - still getting used to how the site works but I'm back now to accept your help and stay in the community!

Big love all round

x