Hi I’m new, I really need help

[capreselover]

I’m new to learning about BPD, I believe my mother has it after doing some reading from the book, Walking on Eggshells. I really feel like my life has been in a spiral recently and I am constantly having conflict with my mom. I haven’t noticed it since about 6 months ago, but It makes me sad to see how my mom acts. I am constantly yelled at and I am blamed for almost everything in any situation. I am constantly called names, threatened to have everything in my life taken from me, etc. I have an amazing dad who understands how I feel (my parents are divorced) but I mainly live with my mom and my dad is usually on work trips. When my dad is around I talk to him about how I feel, but when he’s not here I feel so alone and confused. I’m hoping to find some people who can maybe relate to how I’m feeling? I’m very overwhelmed with a lot of things in my life right now and I just have no words to describe how lost I feel in life.

[pausercell]

Hello and welcome Capreselover,

I want to let you know right away that the next few months to years are going to be a challenging awakening for you but that being said you are not alone.  When you first become aware that a close loved one has a personality disorder you might feel an initial wave of relief finally being able to realize what is actually going on.  But beware the next phase, which will be the strong desire to try to awaken the other person so that they will realize what they’ve been doing and change their behavior.  This WILL NOT happen.  The best pieces of advice I can give you are as follows:  1). Get a good therapist.  Immediately, after one that is aware of personality disorders and can help you navigate your way through what is going to be a long and sometimes difficult healing process.  2). Keep educating yourself, Eggshells is a great book and basically the Bible for people like us when it comes to dealing with people like your mom, but it isn’t enough.  Go on YouTube and watch people like Meredith Miller (inner integration), Dr. Ramani and Little Shaman.  Since BPD is liked with narcissism check out The Narcissist Survival Guide and learn things like The Grey Rock method and how to respond and not react.   3). Take care of yourself.  Set up good boundaries and do not be afraid or feel guilty by just walking away if your mom lashes out.  4). It might be hard to understand but it isn’t you so don’t take things personally.  This is a hard concept to grasp but please keep reminding yourself it is your mom that has a problem and it is HER problem, not yours.  She will use all methods to try to get what she needs from you l, which is strong emotional reactions.  You will have these reactions, but don’t share them in front of her.  Learn to contain yourself and let it all out when you see your therapist.  5). Learn meditation.  I use Simple Habit but there are a lot of good apps out there that will help you calm your thoughts and help you distance them from your emotional reactions. 

It’s going to be hard to accept what I’m about to tell you.  Your mom will probably never change and there is nothing you can do to change that.  It is very normal for you want the love and respect and adoration of your mother, we all do, but you will have to accept the reality that you will most likely never get it.  It hurts to know this but the sooner you come to realize it the stronger you will become.

Remember, pain and suffering are seldom replaced by joy and happiness but more often by wisdom and experience.  This is life’s bitter trade.  And the more you resist this truth the more you will get of what you want the least. 

Last but it of advice, KEEP COMING BACK HERE FOR SUPPORT! The people on this site are going through what you are and their advice, guidance and support have helped me in ways I can’t describe.  Be smart and listen to what they are saying.  I can’t promise you’ll get out of this unscathed but I can promise that if you work on yourself it will get better.

I hope this helps.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board. 

You are in the right place for support and understanding from people who get it so I am glad you reached out.  One thing to remember is that each persons relationship is different and there are a lot of different outcomes we can see after learning tools and communication strategies that can help us cope and can improve things with our family member.  We see it all the time though it does take time and work to learn the tools.   

Can you tell us more about your situation?  Also, are you living with your mother or is there some physical distance?  What would you say your greatest challenge is with her?  If you can share more specifics, it will make it easier to guide and support you.

I hope to hear more from you.  In the mean time, settle in, read and feel free to jump into other threads as we all support each other and learn by helping others.

Again