Hello: hoping to work through the ptsd like symptoms

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just wanting to say hello. I am hoping to work through the ptsd like symptoms that still occur. It has been 19 weeks that I provoked the end of the relationship - we are both very public figures in the city we live in and politically it was important for me to have her make the decision to leave. Bottom line - our expenses were way out of control - she was having an emotional affair with her newly found bio-logical brother and she was verbally abusive.   

I am left feeling raw and my self-esteem takes an almost daily hit because I allow myself to be triggered.    Thank God I have no children with this woman and our separation agreement is already in place and it's ironclad.

Thanks for listening. Just writing this helps.

[Rev]

Just wanting to say hello. I am hoping to work through the ptsd like symptoms that still occur. It has been 19 weeks that I provoked the end of the relationship - we are both very public figures in the city we live in and politically it was important for me to have her make the decision to leave. Bottom line - our expenses were way out of control - she was having an emotional affair with her newly found bio-logical brother and she was verbally abusive.   

I am left feeling raw and my self-esteem takes an almost daily hit because I allow myself to be triggered.    Thank God I have no children with this woman and our separation agreement is already in place and it's ironclad.

Thanks for listening. Just writing this helps.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Rev-

Welcome to our community.  I’m sorry for what brings you here, but glad you’ve joined us.  You’ll find that Our “family” is very supportive and sensitive to all confidential matters, so you're safe here in saying anything that you need to say.

Can you clarify... is this your wife you’re speaking of?

If so, how long have you been married, and when did she discover the existence of her bio-brother?  Has she ever engaged in behavior of this nature in the past?

I’m sorry for the pain her abusive behavior has caused you.  Many of us DO experience PTSD symptoms from these relationships, so you’re definitely amongst friends here; and people who do understand how you’re feeling.

Please settle in and let us know the key items you’d like to address first.  Again, you’re safe here.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Rev]

Hi Gems for eyes... thanks for the reply.

So I'll clarify - I was in a hetersexual relationship that ended up in a brief marriage - 15 months -  that I knew I never should have pursued. The signs were all there and I am not blaming myself for that. I have done and continue to do the work I need to do.

I am a man and my ex-wife screams of BPD traits - undiagnosed, but if it walks like a duck...   I am safe, have gone no contact (although she showed up at my place of work two weeks ago with personal effects of mine to give me things that she had been holding on to for over two months - I had my lawyer write a cease and desist)

She discovered her brother about 5 months before the break-up and the emotional affair was almost immediate. She convinced him to leave his partner of 6 1/2 years and with whom he had also accumulated much debt - he's in danger of loosing his business and owes his ex in the vicinity of 200 k. My ex took the brother's ex's position in his business part-time. To the best of my knowledge this is the first time that she has engaged in such outlandish behavior, but she does have a past of broken, volatile and conflict ridden family and professional relationships.

I am not sure even what I am suffering from - except the flashbacks and the pit in my stomach return daily. There is nothing that I rationally miss from the relationship but this emptiness keeps returning. I know much about grieving and so I know that what I am grieving is the loss of "what I thought I had and hoped for" - I do not grieve her per se. I would have likely lost everything if I would have stayed.

So there it is - the rest of the story. Again, just writing this helps.

I guess that if I had a question - it would be to know what path to walk to step away from the PTSD like symptoms. I am worried that I will never be able to leave the past in the past. The utter shock of being so summarily lied to by her about who she was, who she is, and what she stands for (which is pretty narcissistic) is proving very hard to shake. And I have done alot of work on this - maybe too much?

[babyducks]

I guess that if I had a question - it would be to know what path to walk to step away from the PTSD like symptoms. I am worried that I will never be able to leave the past in the past. The utter shock of being so summarily lied to by her about who she was, who she is, and what she stands for (which is pretty narcissistic) is proving very hard to shake. And I have done alot of work on this - maybe too much?

Hi Rev,



I think PTSD like symptoms is a good way to describe it.   I understand what you mean.

at the very top of this Detaching Board are several topics that are always "pinned" in place.     One of the topics is 'Lessons: Detaching/Learning'.     that's a great place to start looking for skills and tools that help us move forward.    I visited that topic a lot in the beginning and still drop in from time to time.

This is from that topic:

After riding the roller-coaster your emotional system is out of whack. Things don't feel normal anymore and you have lost a solid feeling what normal is. A therapist certainly can help here. Some tricks from the DBT toolbox can be beneficial too. Emotional balance can be enhanced through mindfulness.

Yes, that was very true for me.    I got involved with my exBPD when I was at a particularly low and vulnerable place in my life.    The intense highs and lows of the relationship did get my emotional system out of whack in ways I had trouble identifying.     when my relationship ended I dealt with a whole bunch of shame and blame that hung around me like a cloud of miasma for about a year.

I also found it hard to believe that it would take me that ~long~ to get over the relationship.   I beat myself up for being so impacted.    I told myself that the chaotic/bad relationship was over I should just feel better.    truth was I really had to work to get my emotional balance back.

what do you think?

'ducks

[Rev]

Hi Babyducks...

Yes - the emotional out of whack-ness makes total sense, especially in terms of it being a longer term process. I find it a bit shaking to realize how far I had fallen and a little more disconcerting even to realize that I may well have had some kind of nervous breakdown if the relationship had continued longer. Thank God something shifted in me to put a stop to it.

I'm encouraged to know that work will pay off eventually.  Prayer really helps me as does knowledge about the disorder. For now, some of the PTSD-like stuff is more grief because I am remembering things in a new light. One thing I do now is limit my time with emotionally charged work, given that I work with the public and deal with mental health issues almost daily.

Thanks so much for reaching out. Helping others is redemptive.

Rev

Rev.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Rev, I'm sorry to hear what you've been through and admire your courage to end things. From my experience, recovery involves learning to love and accept oneself, which sounds easy but is actually pretty hard for us Nons, who often have codependent tendencies.  Your task, in my view, is to get to a place where you will never allow yourself to be the object of anyone's abuse again.  Now is a good time to consider work on boundaries (See Tools, above).

LuckyJim

[Rev]

Thanks LuckyJim... sage advice.