Boyfriend with BPD struggling with engulfment and abandonment cycle.

[Soul_Driven]

To whomever is reading this  

I have been with my SO for over 2 years now. In the past I have made mistakes and enabled certain behaviours. I have gone to counselling myself, educated myself on BPD and a little on DBT. I've started to understand the importance of validation, boundaries and acceptance. I do not get as overwhelmed or emotional during difficult times but I am human just as he is.

He has past history of substance misuse, poor friendships, money difficulties and lack of support from mental health services. We are awaiting DBT but could take a year.

He is splitting me black currently. It's incredibly difficult because he accuses me of cheating and lying - he struggles with voices and these voices confirm this for him and he uses that as evidence. He also believes his friends and family are involved but I am ultimately the issue and the cause.

My response has been to validate how he is feeling, I do not tell him he is imagining things etc. I tell him that my experiences are different and my truths are different. I can't actually give actual evidence because the accusations are completely made up and illogical (like I met with a stranger when I was with him). When things escalate and he gets quite nasty with his words I tell him that I want to understand but the message isn't coming across well and it's going impact both our wellbeing so we need some space to cool down. I will add I am briefly staying with my parents because he asked me to leave, the accusations are constant.

The biggest question I have is should I still be answering his calls? I'm not answering because I think I can save him, I actually have no idea what frame of mind he will be in when he calls. Some advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

It sounds like you're doing a great job of educating yourself and validating his feelings.  When you push back and say that you both need time to cool down in order to communicate effectively, how does he respond?

As for answering the calls, that depends.  It sounds like you're not sure what you're going to get when you answer the phone.  You should be able to protect yourself against unhealthy behavior, but it's also good to have lines of communication open if they can be constructive.  Not answering might upset him more if he feels abandoned.  You might try answering and seeing if it goes well.  If he's nasty and you need to hang up, tell him you need to take a break for a specific period of time, and ask him if he'd like you to call him back.  The important things are to periodically open up communications, protect yourself, and be predictable to him.  What do you think?

RC