My exBPDgf only has sex in the begining. With bf (intimacy) she blocks.

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I can say that my exBPDgf is the most promiscious woman i ever knew. She had more than one thousand men in her life, and i am not joking. She dated all kinds of guys: rich guys, criminals, drug dealers, convicts, stripers, nerds, black, brown, spanic, white guys, guys from diferent countrys, etc.

She performed gangbangs, threesomes, etc. I have to add that by then she was a heavy drug user. And she always said that she didn't like the experiences.

However, i notest that it was not about sex. She just needed more and more men to give her non-stop atention. One time she said to me "I always invite men to sleep with me, but it's not about the sex. I just want company."

When we start dating, she conviced me that she was much diferent. That she only wanted to be in peace and no more men. Of course, that wasn't true and she cheated me alot. She seems not being able to stop.

The promiscuity and the endless need for atention, etc is very known in BPD. However, my question for you guys here is another one.

We had good sex in the begining, but even then it seemed to me, that she couldn't handle it very well. Then, after the honeymoon period, sex decreased frequency alot, to almost non-existent. We had sex 1-2 times a month. And when we had it, it was very short-lived, because she seemed to rush things up. And then, almost always complaint having pains. When i tried to be more intense, she seemed not to be so confortable with that. But in the end of our r/s she bragged with her friends that she liked it rough and with one of the guys with whom she cheated on me, was rough, and she liked, etc.etc.

She always bragged a lot, to me too.

Sometimes, when she had raging episodes, she would go into hardcore details about her sexual activities with her exs, all to hurt and humiliate me, and then she would say "you are the first man with whom i dont feel desire to have sex". Then, if didn't react, she would try to engage in sexual activity with me half an hour later, when she was in a more peaceful state of mind.

She always stated that she wanted and desired me very much.

Of course, i was very frustrated, but i didn't wanted to speak about it, because i didn't want to pressure her. After a year of r/s i started talking, and some months later, i started complaining.

She always promised me all kinds of sexual activies that we never perfomed, because when the time came, she had always an excuse. She also said "If you behave, i'll do this and that". But never did. It seems to me that she used sex as a control weapon. In the begining she promised me so much: "when we live together, we will do so much". And then she would speak about the greatest sexual fantasies. Oh Well...

The only exception was when she got drunk (if not too much). When she was drunk, she would be much more passionate and eager to have sex with me (even if she didn't remember much in the next day). It seemed to me as she unblocked something in her mind when she was drunk.

I know that, at least with two of her exs, the ones that endure the most, she had the same problem. But then, when she cheats, she has no problem in having sex with the new guys, or when she engages in another emotional r/s, she also perform sex much more frequently, in the begining.

I read in this forum some theory that they start perceiving bf as a father figure, so can't have a sexual relationship anymore.

Another theory states that some of them only uses sex as control mechanism, in the honeymoon period, and then all along the r/s.

My theory is that, when she faces intimacy (when someone gets too close), she blocks. And it becames too hard, because she can't handle sex with intimacy. Also, the compulsion to cheat is a very unconscious defense mechanism, with the objective of create distance. When she perceives a bf with too much proximity, it's anxiogenic. Cheating relieves.

I read a lot of stories in wich the sex was amazing all along the r/s, but i also read a lot of stories where people report the same problem as i did. Sex is good at the begining, but then, begins to be very infrequent.

I would like to ear some opinions.

What do you think of this?

Do you have similar experiences?

[Pytagoras]

I can say that my exBPDgf is the most promiscious woman i ever knew. She had more than one thousand men in her life, and i am not joking. She dated all kinds of guys: rich guys, criminals, drug dealers, convicts, stripers, nerds, black, brown, spanic, white guys, guys from diferent countrys, etc.

She performed gangbangs, threesomes, etc. I have to add that by then she was a heavy drug user. And she always said that she didn't like the experiences.

However, i notest that it was not about sex. She just needed more and more men to give her non-stop atention. One time she said to me "I always invite men to sleep with me, but it's not about the sex. I just want company."

When we start dating, she conviced me that she was much diferent. That she only wanted to be in peace and no more men. Of course, that wasn't true and she cheated me alot. She seems not being able to stop.

The promiscuity and the endless need for atention, etc is very known in BPD. However, my question for you guys here is another one.

We had good sex in the begining, but even then it seemed to me, that she couldn't handle it very well. Then, after the honeymoon period, sex decreased frequency alot, to almost non-existent. We had sex 1-2 times a month. And when we had it, it was very short-lived, because she seemed to rush things up. And then, almost always complaint having pains. When i tried to be more intense, she seemed not to be so confortable with that. But in the end of our r/s she bragged with her friends that she liked it rough and with one of the guys with whom she cheated on me, was rough, and she liked, etc.etc.

She always bragged a lot, to me too.

Sometimes, when she had raging episodes, she would go into hardcore details about her sexual activities with her exs, all to hurt and humiliate me, and then she would say "you are the first man with whom i dont feel desire to have sex". Then, if didn't react, she would try to engage in sexual activity with me half an hour later, when she was in a more peaceful state of mind.

She always stated that she wanted and desired me very much.

Of course, i was very frustrated, but i didn't wanted to speak about it, because i didn't want to pressure her. After a year of r/s i started talking, and some months later, i started complaining.

She always promised me all kinds of sexual activies that we never perfomed, because when the time came, she had always an excuse. She also said "If you behave, i'll do this and that". But never did. It seems to me that she used sex as a control weapon. In the begining she promised me so much: "when we live together, we will do so much". And then she would speak about the greatest sexual fantasies. Oh Well...

The only exception was when she got drunk (if not too much). When she was drunk, she would be much more passionate and eager to have sex with me (even if she didn't remember much in the next day). It seemed to me as she unblocked something in her mind when she was drunk.

I know that, at least with two of her exs, the ones that endure the most, she had the same problem. But then, when she cheats, she has no problem in having sex with the new guys, or when she engages in another emotional r/s, she also perform sex much more frequently, in the begining.

I read in this forum some theory that they start perceiving bf as a father figure, so can't have a sexual relationship anymore.

Another theory states that some of them only uses sex as control mechanism, in the honeymoon period, and then all along the r/s.

My theory is that, when she faces intimacy (when someone gets too close), she blocks. And it becames too hard, because she can't handle sex with intimacy. Also, the compulsion to cheat is a very unconscious defense mechanism, with the objective of create distance. When she perceives a bf with too much proximity, it's anxiogenic. Cheating relieves.

I read a lot of stories in wich the sex was amazing all along the r/s, but i also read a lot of stories where people report the same problem as i did. Sex is good at the begining, but then, begins to be very infrequent.

I would like to ear some opinions.

What do you think of this?

Do you have similar experiences?

[Mutt]

Hi Pytagoras,


I just wanted to add that I recall my exuBPDw was emotionally detached and would project her lack of interest in sex. My theory is because age was sexually abused when she was very young.

My current gf is a non and age has sent hit and cold messages and I think is a part of what you’re sharing in your experience. I’m not saying you’re doing this I’m just saying this in general - not everything is a pathology. That being said my gf loves me a lot but there were periods were she wasn’t about she wanted ( cold behavior )

I can relate with how it can be confusing usually that behavior means that that person cares for you a lot but there’s something that’s not aligning with their values. I’ve been with her for three tears so I had to figure out at the time what thing was. It wasn’t personal towards me as a person.

What do you think was the cause of the hot and cold behavior?

[Pytagoras]

Hello Mutt,

Thk you for your response.

The issue that i was addressing is not the Hot/Cold - Push/Pull behavior, altough that was very present too, as is normal in BPD r/s.

I also understand that sexual problems are not an exclusive problem within personality disorders.

I am addressing her sex problems / difficulties. I've already read the same issues in other stories in this forum and in other sites, from other BPD r/s. I've read that in some other stories, sex starts to be good in the honeymoon period, but then it fades into very infrequent sex. That was what happened to me.

There was a time that she accepted having sexual issues, and recalling (very tenuosly) being sexual abused by an uncle, when she was very young. She didn't have many memories of that period of her life. She even went to an hipnotic regression. And we went to speak with a lot of older people that knew her when she was a child. Much effort in order to try to understand the issues. She also said she was abused when 11y and other later abuses.

But then, a month later or so, her attitude regarding sexual issues changed again, and she turned the guilt on me. "I never had sexual issues. Only with you." As if, dealing with the problems was very hard and she had to flip the coin again, as a defense.

It was very strange to me, that she boasted so much about her sexual desires and always promised things to our future, even if it was for later that evening "today i'll do you this and this." It always seemed to me as if she only used that to hook me. Then, our sexual activity was so, so tenuous.

But then, she cheats with all her bf's. She can't have sex with the bf, but she does it when cheats. Only when there is no intimacy. And even then, not much. Just enough to add the boasting and impress.

I think that her obsessive drive to seduce more and more men is also associated.

When i worked as a psychologist in the Hospital facility, i followed cases from 12, 13y girls that were abused when younger. There are two ways to react to the abuse: or whe close in on ourselves, or we become very seductive and promiscuous (creating alliance with the abuser). One of the girls even wrote in her notebook that she was addicted to boys. I think the second option is the pattern of my exBPDgf. Very promiscuous and seductive, but of course, with lots of sexual issues that manifest during a more intimate r/s.

That is my opinion from what i observed.

[BrokenSpokane]

My experience has been very similar in that my exBPD has had so many sexual partners, she lost count. She always told me this and it really didn't bother me, for she loved our sex life and told me that out of all of them, I was the best. On top of that, she love bombed me.

Where I can't relate is the sex getting less frequent. From what I've read about the disorder, they use risky, promiscuous and unusual sex as a method to try and fulfill the bottomless pit inside them. They can also use excessive spending, drugs or alcohol. Well, my exBPD doesn't make a lot of money and she doesn't drink or use drugs. So, she exclusively uses sex.

I did a lot of writing exclusively on our sex life, for I believe that is a major factor for me staying in the relationship. She used sex to manipulate and keep me. After she would belittle, shame, blame, yell at me, there was always great make up sex. She also dragged me into a new sexual world of BDSM and swinging to further our sexual pleasure. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it, but knowing now why she wanted to do these things, I never, ever want to do them again. She was doing these things to continue to try and fill that emptiness inside her with excessive sexual adventures.

We had a very, very active sex life. It was great, I have to admit. We had great sex. She was vocal, she loved to give up control and yet we also had very passionate, loving, caring sex. So, we had sex at least 7 - 10 times per week.

In the last couple weeks of our relationship, she was still using it to try and make me stay. But, then she'd use that against me. "I feel like you're using me" she'd say. "Ok, no more sex" I'd say. Then, the next day she'd say, "you're treating the relationship like an afterthought". So, the vortex of no win situations would ensue.

I've taken a long look at sex in the relationship and it's role in me staying and also how I overlooked so many awful, bad behaviours on her part, just because I wanted to continue to have great sex with her.

But, now that I'm removed and have been seeing a wonderful woman without BPD, I know that wonderful sex isn't something that was exclusive to my exBPD.

I thank the stars everyday that I'm not around the disorder anymore. I'm glad I have a better understanding of why I put up with the abuse and realize I never have to be in an abusive relationship again.

[Pytagoras]

Hello BrokenSpoken,

Thank you for sharing your experience.

Yes, i read a lot of stories in wich the sex was always good and one of the main reasons people have a hard time leaving this relationships.

That was not my case, and maybe for the best, because on the one hand, it would be harder to forget, but on the other hand, i wouldn't feel so bad being compared with others in an diminishing way.

Sex was good in the begining, but it didn't last long. I feel like she was emasculating me as time went by, in several ways. Sex was just one of them.

She is very seductive, easy going, accessible in the begining. An adorable person, and also for the hundreds of guys she picks up. But when we get to be her bf, oh boy, that's a totally different story... We loose all the previleges she gives to the new guys. Our previleges begin to her own private punching bag, scapegoat, abuser.

[BrokenSpokane]

She is very seductive, easy going, accessible in the begining. An adorable person, and also for the hundreds of guys she picks up. But when we get to be her bf, oh boy, that's a totally different story... We loose all the previleges she gives to the new guys. Our previleges begin to her own private punching bag, scapegoat, abuser.

Boy, don't we know it! It so clear to me now, but at the time I had no idea! I thought it was me, my fault for the way she treated me. At no point during the relationship did I think that something was wrong with her. I believed everything she said and I tried to fix it. Yes, I was the punching bag and I also thought I deserved it because I loved her so, so much.

[Pytagoras]

BrokenSpokane,

It's a common experience.

In my case, the problem is that, as I lost all previleges i had in the honeymoon phase, sex was another one that i've lost. Not even sex i could hold 

But when she cheated on me, she had sex with the new guys. The same sex she couldn't have with the guy whom she was with, her bf, me.

[Pytagoras]

I've read this from a site, and it's exactly my experience:

Narcissistic Women and Sex

Narcissistic women know that most men’s weaknesses are sex and female beauty, and she will come on strong like the adoring princess he wants in everyday life and a vixen in the bedroom.

She will set out to convince him the emotional connection and sex they share is unique and phenomenal.

(Narcissistic men can do this too, appeal hugely to a woman’s sexual appetite, with his charm and charisma and sexual finesse.)

Little does the partner of a female narcissist know, that that once hooked, sex usually becomes less and less frequent and commonly almost non-existent.

Sex for her is a tool to get what she wants as a form of control, and to use to punish by withholding.

(The slight variable here with narcissistic men is although they do the same … they can also use sex to abuse, degrade and humiliate partners … as some narcissistic women can too.)

At the start, when she has idolised her newest Source of Narcissistic Supply as “amazing”, it is easy to shower him with attention and sex whilst caught up in her “love rush”.

“You are the best narcissistic supply ever.”

Yet, when that wears off, she will have already started devaluing and discarding him emotionally which diminishes the sexual connection.

And, it is not beyond her to create new sexual hook-ups with fresher sources of narcissistic supply whilst having her secure, stable and successful nice guy at home.

Narcissistic women are less likely to have other sexual partners than narcissistic men, however they are still very capable of adultery.

Non-intimate sex is the perfect source of narcissistic supply for her, because she can be admired and told how beautiful she is with men going “ga-ga” over her.

The truth is any settle down relationship will usually lead her to withdraw sexually – because true intimacy and being “naked” with someone without a mask is not what she can endure.

[DisheartenedGuy]

I have experienced all of this.  She once told me, when i asked why she had sex with all these losers, "because i cant disappoint the losers."  Good guys -- she is worried they will abandon her, so she cant get too close.

The other thought i had is that our girlfriends are sleeping with hundreds of men, women, couples...so the odds are slim that we will excite them as much as one of her other partners.  She offen seema to lock in on her flavor of the month, and has so much sex that she isnt in the mood when she gets home to me.  The sex is best when she is afraid you will leave, or if you start ignoring her.  Then sex becomes currency she exchanges for stability.  It is all 50 shades of f'd up.