How to tell BPD mother my dog died

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How to tell BPD mother about my dog’s death?

Hi,

New here, I’m 27, but really looking for advice/preparation. My beloved dog passed away on Thursday. I adopted him as soon as I fled home and enjoyed the 3.5 years we had together. I adopted him when he was 8 and I was 23 and we had so many formative experiences together. I loved him more than anyone and he was my world. He also was incredibly sickly the entire time I had him. He had two major surgeries (CCL tear, bladder stones and tooth removal) and severe arthritis. He soon developed bladder stones again and developed severe separation anxiety as he got older. I had to make the difficult decision to put him down by myself and am still grieving.

I want to post about his death on social media, but that would result in my BPD LC mother and my enabling family finding out and I should probably tell her first, but am dreading it. I live 3,000 miles away and have very limited contact with her (once a week gray rock phone calls, often 5 minutes long.) She knows how much I loved my dog, but also acted out the last time I thought I was going to put him down due to a severe arthritis episode and slight paralysis of the legs. (A year and a half ago.) She first cried and said she understood and said she’d fly out to see me soon, but then accused me of attempting to murder her “grand dog” and then continuously asked me if I would “put her down” due to her having arthritis for months afterward. She then to extended family members made it seem as though she helped me through the decision not to do it, though I literally did not take her opinion into account.

She also gave me awful advice regarding his other health problems, though I went gray rock on her 6 months ago after starting therapy so she didn’t know my dog’s health was going down hill. Her advice is constant and unsolicited and bizarre. She’d compliment me for all I did for him and then the next day accuse me of starving him because I had to put him on a diet to help with his arthritis and bladder stones, per vet orders. Despite having money (from my passive, flying monkey of a father who will never stand up to her), she’s never offered to help with my dog’s medical expenses ($7,200 over three years), so that’s also a huge source of resentment, despite her regularly insisting she would do anything for him. (During his last health emergency, she told me, well it was your decision to get a dog.) She also only met my dog once in person, and has always gone between being obsessed with him and thinking I should get rid of him. For the first year I had him, she constantly asked if I loved him more than her and at times refused to talk to me because I was “too into him.”

I feel awful about having to put my dog down as it is and I don’t think I can handle her calling me a murderer now. I also don’t want her to come out and see me right now. I would prefer to grieve alone and my mother’s presence has never made me feel better. I’m tempted to tell her it was something swift like cancer, because the reality was more complicated. But I do want the support of friends and acquaintances, so I need to tell her so I can get it over with and post it on social media. I also want to fundraise for the shelter I adopted him from. Any advice? Also, I’m feeling incredibly alone right now due to my dog’s death and it’s just a reminder to me that he was the only true family I’ve ever had. I’m single and while I have good friends, it’s hard not having a mother I can cry to about this.

[Formerdogmom]

How to tell BPD mother about my dog’s death?

Hi,

New here, I’m 27, but really looking for advice/preparation. My beloved dog passed away on Thursday. I adopted him as soon as I fled home and enjoyed the 3.5 years we had together. I adopted him when he was 8 and I was 23 and we had so many formative experiences together. I loved him more than anyone and he was my world. He also was incredibly sickly the entire time I had him. He had two major surgeries (CCL tear, bladder stones and tooth removal) and severe arthritis. He soon developed bladder stones again and developed severe separation anxiety as he got older. I had to make the difficult decision to put him down by myself and am still grieving.

I want to post about his death on social media, but that would result in my BPD LC mother and my enabling family finding out and I should probably tell her first, but am dreading it. I live 3,000 miles away and have very limited contact with her (once a week gray rock phone calls, often 5 minutes long.) She knows how much I loved my dog, but also acted out the last time I thought I was going to put him down due to a severe arthritis episode and slight paralysis of the legs. (A year and a half ago.) She first cried and said she understood and said she’d fly out to see me soon, but then accused me of attempting to murder her “grand dog” and then continuously asked me if I would “put her down” due to her having arthritis for months afterward. She then to extended family members made it seem as though she helped me through the decision not to do it, though I literally did not take her opinion into account.

She also gave me awful advice regarding his other health problems, though I went gray rock on her 6 months ago after starting therapy so she didn’t know my dog’s health was going down hill. Her advice is constant and unsolicited and bizarre. She’d compliment me for all I did for him and then the next day accuse me of starving him because I had to put him on a diet to help with his arthritis and bladder stones, per vet orders. Despite having money (from my passive, flying monkey of a father who will never stand up to her), she’s never offered to help with my dog’s medical expenses ($7,200 over three years), so that’s also a huge source of resentment, despite her regularly insisting she would do anything for him. (During his last health emergency, she told me, well it was your decision to get a dog.) She also only met my dog once in person, and has always gone between being obsessed with him and thinking I should get rid of him. For the first year I had him, she constantly asked if I loved him more than her and at times refused to talk to me because I was “too into him.”

I feel awful about having to put my dog down as it is and I don’t think I can handle her calling me a murderer now. I also don’t want her to come out and see me right now. I would prefer to grieve alone and my mother’s presence has never made me feel better. I’m tempted to tell her it was something swift like cancer, because the reality was more complicated. But I do want the support of friends and acquaintances, so I need to tell her so I can get it over with and post it on social media. I also want to fundraise for the shelter I adopted him from. Any advice? Also, I’m feeling incredibly alone right now due to my dog’s death and it’s just a reminder to me that he was the only true family I’ve ever had. I’m single and while I have good friends, it’s hard not having a mother I can cry to about this.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am so sorry to hear about your beloved pet.   

I feel awful about having to put my dog down as it is and I don’t think I can handle her calling me a murderer now. I also don’t want her to come out and see me right now.  I would prefer to grieve alone and my mother’s presence has never made me feel better. I’m tempted to tell her it was something swift like cancer, because the reality was more complicated. But I do want the support of friends and acquaintances, so I need to tell her so I can get it over with and post it on social media. I also want to fundraise for the shelter I adopted him from. Any advice?

Boundaries.  If she calls you a murderer, tell her a version of what you wrote here and then if she continues end the conversation by saying something like "I do not want to talk about this with you, please stop.  I have to go" and hang up the phone.  If she calls back you can answer and if she starts up again say "I am sorry mom, I can't talk about this now I need to hang up" and hang up again.   If she offers to come visit, say "no thank you, this is not a good time, I do not want any visitors".m  She will react, probably not well, but she won't react well no matter what you say so why not be honest and act in your own best interest while also being as kind as you can about it?   

Also, I’m feeling incredibly alone right now due to my dog’s death and it’s just a reminder to me that he was the only true family I’ve ever had. I’m single and while I have good friends, it’s hard not having a mother I can cry to about this.

  This hurts so much doesn't it?  So many of us here can relate.  Those tough times when you just want a mom who can help and soothe you rather than make things worse of make them all about her.  I am so sorry she is like this with you and especially at such a vulnerable time.

[Formerdogmom]

Thank you so much, this is so helpful. I’ll keep you posted.

[TelHill]

I’m sorry about your loss. Thinking good thoughts for you as you mourn your pet.   

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