Mom gets her revenge

[TelHill]

I posted the other day regarding my mom’s last minute meltdown about banging her fists on my passenger side car window. She wanted to go with me by any means possible. I stopped it.

I noticed last night the side of my laptop is missing a small chunk of metal. I left the laptop at my parents house by itself. She dropped it by accident or on purpose. What was a solid laptop now does not charge. The bottom plastic is loose. It looks like components inside were jiggled around. I left it on a couch in the living room which no one sits on. My parents use the family room or a spare bedroom as a TV room. I use the living room as an office.

I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but she’s thrown away my house keys before and hidden or thrown away other stuff. She complains about me being on the laptop. She wants me to spend all my time with her.

I am trying to fix it on my own. Believe it may be too expensive to fix if she damaged the working parts. I have to buy a new one in that case.

It is not worth asking her what happened. Will get an abusive tirade. I have hidden and locked other items. I should have done it to the laptop.

Expensive lesson for me. Thanks for reading.

[Harri]

Hi Telhill.   

Ugh, that is so frustrating and yes, an expensive lesson.

 

[TelHill]

Thanks, Harri. I have to thank this site for not letting anger overtake me as before. I understand it’s part of the personality disorder-nothing personal.

I did manage to  get the charger working - duct tape & a laptop repair kit.     That will give me time to shop for a new one & transfer files. Not sure how long fix will last.

Kind of on subject- my insurance has a behavioral health liaison who will send me a list of therapists who take my insurance & are accepting new patients. I should get the info by mid week.   

[Longterm]

Ouch, they aren't cheap items are they. It's good that you can at least use it for now though, you could of lost all your data.

It is not worth asking her what happened. Will get an abusive tirade. 

Probably not no, best to learn from this.

LT.

[Harri]

Kind of on subject- my insurance has a behavioral health liaison who will send me a list of therapists who take my insurance & are accepting new patients. I should get the info by mid week.

Oh that is excellent news!  Keep us posted on how things go. 

[TelHill]

LT & Harri, ty!

I know how to diy thanks to hanging around dad to escape mom.

I will keep you updated on the therapist search. Need help making friends without me feeling scared due to parental jealousy. Me dating will really drive their abuse parade forward.  :cursing:p

[Notwendy]

My BPD mom destroys things to "punish". My father would be anxious that she would destroy important things of his. When I was a kid, if I left a toy out I wasn't sure if it would be gone or not. She has trashed the house in a rage.

She's also threatened to destroy my father's belongings that are left- because she knew I was attached to them.

Basically, if it is in her house, I don't get emotionally attached. If something is important to me- it needs to be kept away from her. I am sorry this happened to your laptop. I don't trust my mother with anything important to me.

Please go ahead and make friends, date, - your mother doesn't even have to know about it. It's not her business. A date may or may not go further, so no need to inform your family unless it becomes someone significant in your life who will be at family events.

[TelHill]

My BPD mom destroys things to "punish". My father would be anxious that she would destroy important things of his. When I was a kid, if I left a toy out I wasn't sure if it would be gone or not. She has trashed the house in a rage.

She's also threatened to destroy my father's belongings that are left- because she knew I was attached to them.

Basically, if it is in her house, I don't get emotionally attached. If something is important to me- it needs to be kept away from her. I am sorry this happened to your laptop. I don't trust my mother with anything important to me.

Please go ahead and make friends, date, - your mother doesn't even have to know about it. It's not her business. A date may or may not go further, so no need to inform your family unless it becomes someone significant in your life who will be at family events.

That’s horrible, notwendy.. Glad you keep yourself safely away from her.

Have not had anything I was attached to or of value. I didn’t have many toys growing up. I had one baby doll I loved. I loved her so much. I had her at age 5 and we moved when I was 6 1/2 to another house. My mom told me to put her in a box and she would be waiting for me at the new house. She wasn’t. She became lost. I don’t know if my mom threw her away out of jealousy or if she was lost by the movers. I’m crying as I type this. I still love this doll and miss her.  

My mom has wrecked and hidden my stuff in the last few years. I miss it, but the doll missing is my heart break. That’s the worst.

I don’t mean to get sappy, maudlin or asking for attention. I’ve got my better stuff at my place and will not look attached to items I bring in like a new laptop.

It sounds like your mom and mine are following the same playbook. Sorry for all you had to suffer.  

[Turkish]

Years later, I felt it safe to share with my ex the time she raged when I let our baby son fall asleep on my shoulder while she was making dinner.  He didn't get a bath that night. I walked out of the kitchen and she slammed the fridge door hard enough to break the door contents on the floor and make a mess. 

When I reminded her of that, she didn't remember it and seemed distressed, "you see? I don't remember that!" She didn't challenge the veracity of my memory. 

Your mother might not even remember doing anything if you bring it up. 

I can't comprehend how my ex wouldn't remember that, but I had our baby on my shoulder and I put him to sleep and cleaned up the mess on my hands and knees while she ate angrily at the table, our baby forgotten.  That was the only time I was actually afraid to go to sleep next to her.  A day or so later, things were "back to normal" and we never talked about it.

[Notwendy]

TellHill-
In the long run, I have seen what an unhappy person my mother is. She seems to be in victim mode and assumes others are causing her own unhappiness. When she destroys things- it is with intent to hurt. She wants to hurt people when she's in this state - because she really believes they are hurting her-and chooses something she can do this with. If I am not attached to an object, she goes for something I am attached to.

I was attached to my father, so she would threaten his possessions and eventually say mean things about him to me. I basically told her I will not discuss him with her. She was initially outraged at that, but she has kept to this boundary because I have too. I don't mention him to her. I want to have the memories I have of him left alone and not narrated by her.

I think she's a bit bewildered that she doesn't have the power and control over me that she once had. Still, I am not cruel to her. I call her and see her, not because she threatens me but because I choose to. I think this puzzles her. She's had so much power over us due to us being scared of her and I don't respond to that.

I have had to learn over the years to not want anything that she may own, and also to not leave anything that matters to me where she can get it. This also includes things that are not material, like sharing personal information. When she's in victim mode, she will use what she can to be hurtful. How sad for her that she feels she needs to do this.

[zachira]

I felt for you when you talked about how your mother will act badly when you start to date. I agree with others that at least in the beginning your mother does not need to know. My mother with BPD did not want her children to date or get married. She was absolutely horrible to my BIL, and destroyed every relationship my brothers ever had and they never married. My brother and the love of his life had both been dead for many many years yet mom would periodically go into a rage about how glad she was my brother never married his girlfriend, a kind generous sensitive person. I think you will have to set some really strict boundaries with your mother regarding any significant other that you are involved with. What do you think those boundaries might be?

[TelHill]

I felt for you when you talked about how your mother will act badly when you start to date. I agree with others that at least in the beginning your mother does not need to know. My mother with BPD did not want her children to date or get married. She was absolutely horrible to my BIL, and destroyed every relationship my brothers ever had and they never married. My brother and the love of his life had both been dead for many many years yet mom would periodically go into a rage about how glad she was my brother never married his girlfriend, a kind generous sensitive person. I think you will have to set some really strict boundaries with your mother regarding any significant other that you are involved with. What do you think those boundaries might be?

Sorry for your mom wreaking havoc in your brothers’love lives. Her behavior was really, really abusive. I hope your brothers are getting help.

My mom did that to my brother’s ex wife. She was a scourge, lazy, a liar, etc. Not true.  

I have to develop very strong boundaries (& nerves of steel, thick hide)  for friendships and dating.  It’s hard to know when to be empathetic, when to be distant, when to kindly disagree, when to leave for a long break. I’m not great at psychology and would be a terrible therapist.

It’s a challenge. Most of us are the bullseye in the target.  

A boundary would be to state I am going out to this place to see friends. If she abuses (they must be losers if they like you), I disagree with you. You are entitled to your opinion. I would stop the conversation and leave.  I would leave 20 minutes earlier to cool off, self-soothe to not look angry or distraught to friends.

I have to think of other ways to set boundaries and read some books. I need a lot of guidance and hand holding here. Boundary setting is an area where I need improvement.