Feeling Back On The Rollercoaster Ride

[Gotham Sparrow]

Hi Everyone,

I'm a little bit messy tonight. This weekend I heard from my ex's daughter, an adult with a child of her own. We haven't spoken since the end of August when everything blew up with him, and she reached out yesterday asking if we could speak, saying she missed me and stayed away because she thought I wouldn't want to hear from her after everything. It was admittedly lovely hearing from her, she's a nice, smart, caring young woman who is doing well in life but struggles with a fraught relationship with her father. She discussed feeling hurt by him and angry because (surprise!) he has lousy boundaries and told her all about his new squeeze and unsavory things she's (the new gf) said, as well as some smack about me that she knew to be untrue, all of which upset her a lot. She's still very angry at him for how he treated me and wishes things turned out differently for us, but told me that even if he were to contact me now (which won't happen) I shouldn't be with him because he's too messed up - acting impulsively and recklessly, spending too much while on the verge of losing his job, starting fights, etc. When she said she needed to understand all this because it's been happening since she was a kid, I briefly explained BPD to her and sent her some of the recommended BPD books via Amazon so that she could read and learn for herself what this all is and how to take care of herself, which she appreciated.

This all should be making me feel so much better for being out of that horror show, but it's not. It feels like I got a little whiff of a drug and now I'm back to craving more, even though I don't want it (intellectually at least). I haven't and won't contact him. But I have been thinking about him all day and passively fantasizing about him getting better and coming back, and us finally having the life together that he promised and blah blah blah. To be clear, *I know this is messed up* on my part. I've now heard the same thing from his mother, brother, sister, and daughter: I'm better off without him, that he's very messed up and that I deserve much, much better. But it is impossible to forget the good stuff, and I still believe that under all the current crazy is a good man who was very loving for over a year and a half. I also know that this current crazy has reared its head before, many times, and that it was inevitable that it show up again. And without treatment, it will again and again and again.

I so dearly wish that I could just simply say FRIG THIS NOISE and move on and not look back. But it's so hard. I hate admitting how much I still love him and miss him. I can't tell my friends that know everything because, as I've written before, they're burnt out from all this. I'll tell my therapist tomorrow morning but I dread the look on his face. Everyone just wants me to start dating again but I just can't, I still hurt so bad and know that my crap has to be addressed enough so that this doesn't just get repeated. Weirdly, the relationship doesn't feel over, just dragged over hot coals while being pounded. Probably just a sick wish on my part. Why would I do this to myself?

Thanks for listening.
XOX
GS

[once removed]

i dont understand why you beat yourself up so much for grieving.

its a loss. if he died, you wouldnt call yourself stupid for missing him, right?

our loved ones had good qualities; many people that come in and out of our lives have and will. we mourn these things.

its understandable that speaking with his daughter, who represents part of what you have lost, would stir things up for you. losing mutual friends, family, these things are some of the hardest parts 

[Gotham Sparrow]

I think I beat myself up so much because I'm struggling with feeling entitled to grieve at all. My friends and family, even *his* friends and family are all telling me that I'm better off and I dodged a bullet, etc. So I'm not really getting a lot of support on the ground for the grief process.

Also, I feel in between worlds. After his explosiveness and threats I felt scared and relieved to be out but also missing the "good" him. It's a little crazy making at times.

Terrible though this may sound, I sometimes feel like it would've been easier if he had died bc there wouldn't be cruelty on his part on the way out but in this there was. And that cruelty, the sudden turn from being loving to hateful, is just unbearable and confusing.

It's hard to grieve when I'm told to be happy and move on, and it's hard to give up the hope that he'll turn it around, even though I know it won't happen. But you're right, this is all appropriate for having just spoken with his daughter.

I guess I miss him so much but it's hard to admit that to myself.

[once removed]

dont let others define your grief or your grieving process.

they mean well. they want to help. and its hard to know what to say. believe me, i drove everyone around me crazy. i heard similar things.

things got a lot easier for me when i gave myself permission to grieve and feel whatever i felt. when i didnt judge myself for missing, for pining for, for being hurt by, or for hating, for being furious at, for wanting revenge...all toward someone that i loved. when i could just feel it and acknowledge it without judgment. it gave me so much space and what i felt seemed to carry less weight.

these are complicated, complex relationships, and so too is the grief we experience over them.