Almost 3 months of silence and it still painful.

[Anonym2806]

Mod Note:  Part 1 of this thread is here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339891.msg13082998#msg13082998

Almost 3 months of silence and it still painful.
I cannot forget her. But I cannot trying to reach her.
I keep myself busy, work, friends and sports. But now I'm in my living room and crying.
I don't know if the time erase the souvenir of this but time doesn't help me to forget her.
I've never been needy, never. But I need her.
The night when I've met her, I told her she will be mine the rest of my life.
I was so sure. That's crazy.
Well, it's a bad day for me and I would just to write something here.

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[Ozzie101]

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. It can be very painful, I know, and there are others here who have experienced it.

It may not seem like it but time can (and, with patience, will) make things easier. Just keep doing what you're doing: work, sports, time with friends. It will get better. Just hang in there.

[Anonym2806]

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. It can be very painful, I know, and there are others here who have experienced it.

It may not seem like it but time can (and, with patience, will) make things easier. Just keep doing what you're doing: work, sports, time with friends. It will get better. Just hang in there.

Hi Ozzie,

How are you?
I had a difficult week-end. At the beginning, I planned 2 dates to change my mind.
The problem is I cancelled because I'm not ready to see someone else.
I'm still hopping her comeback. That's crazy.
I'm still looking her instagram and her posts are related to her pain and our story.
I don't want to contact her, I'm waiting if she wants to reach me.
I don't know if she's playing a game with instagram or if it's real but I still have hope.
I continue to take care of me as I've ever done before. The only thing is I miss her. A lot. And the pain is still inside of my chess.
Thanks for the support

[Ozzie101]

I have a question. What do you think would happen if you stopped looking at her Instagram (and any other social media)?

[Anonym2806]

I have a question. What do you think would happen if you stopped looking at her Instagram (and any other social media)?

Maybe it will help me to forget her.
I know that. But I don't want to forget her. That's the vicious circle!

[Ozzie101]

You probably wouldn't forget her. But it could very well help you clear your head and gain perspective.

That's a decision you need to make. Do you want to keep looking and stay in the cycle (knowing full well that she may never contact you again and that that's a decision that's totally up to her and outside your control)? Or do you choose to step away and try to move on?

There's not necessarily a right or wrong here. It's entirely up to you.

[Anonym2806]

You probably wouldn't forget her. But it could very well help you clear your head and gain perspective.

That's a decision you need to make. Do you want to keep looking and stay in the cycle (knowing full well that she may never contact you again and that that's a decision that's totally up to her and outside your control)? Or do you choose to step away and try to move on?

There's not necessarily a right or wrong here. It's entirely up to you.

I know, and I answered to this question.
I don't want to move on and to be with someone else because if I do this :-
- First, I break my "pact" to her (even it's up to her).
- Then, I know if I date someone else, and if she come back, I will leave the other woman and cause a pain to the other person.

I know we cannot build a world with "if" but I need time.
I need to follow her mood.
I need to learn how to manage my feelings now.

Someone asked me if I've ever loved (in a relationship) someone in my life.
I said yes, this woman. Even if I had previous relationship (one was 8 years and 2 children), I can say today I've never loved someone before.
My definition of love was wrong during many years.
That's why today I'm here.
It seems crazy I know but the only thing I can do is writing here because people around me think that I'm crazy about this story.

[Ozzie101]

You do need time and you need to manage your feelings and work on yourself. Absolutely.

What you don't want to do, though, is tie your feelings and thoughts and decisions too tightly to her. That's not a healthy way to function -- whether there's BPD involved or not. In order to have a healthy relationship, you need to be the strongest, healthiest person you can be. Does that make sense?

You might want to take a look here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves
https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up

Do you see anything there that might speak to your situation?

[Anonym2806]

You do need time and you need to manage your feelings and work on yourself. Absolutely.

What you don't want to do, though, is tie your feelings and thoughts and decisions too tightly to her. That's not a healthy way to function -- whether there's BPD involved or not. In order to have a healthy relationship, you need to be the strongest, healthiest person you can be. Does that make sense?

You might want to take a look here:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves
https://bpdfamily.com/content/breaking-up

Do you see anything there that might speak to your situation?

Well, I can tie feelings and thoughts in a relationship. I've always done like this. I've always been in healthy relationships (no cheat, lie, disrespect, etc...). I broke up my 8 years relationship after hundreds of quiet discussions, therapies for her and patience from my side. And everything has be done in the right way and I was always strong.
I didn't change, I'm still that strong guy.
Same for her if she comes back. I just gave her to much after what she's done.
I cannot reproduce this situation. It's not my fault, I'm not responsible of her state of mind. I'm not responsible of her past (I told her that many times during the relationship). But I also know it's not entirely her fault (even she didn't tell me what's happen from the beginning).
I have this dream or the chance, to build something strong with her. And assist her to fight her illness.
It's what I want because of love.

[Anonym2806]

Hi everybody,

I just received a spontaneous message from her : « I’m sorry »
My answer : « I know. Good evening, how are you? I’m also sorry for how I reacted, i’m learning.

Now I wait. the best I can do. Is it the right answer?

[1984bps]

i know how it feels mate. my story is such a long one that its going to take me a while to post about it on the forum...

[Anonym2806]

i know how it feels mate. my story is such a long one that its going to take me a while to post about it on the forum...

Hi Mate,

I'm sorry to hear that.
But welcome in this forum and maybe when you're ready, share your story.