Road to recovery

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It has been awhile since I have posted and I thought it was time for an update.  I am posting this from computer, at my home I share with my roommate.  Today I am posting this without fear, without worry.  I have been separated from my exbph for 4 months now.  It has been a very painful and at times, almost unbearable with heartache.  I wish I could do no contact, but I accept the fact I can't because of s8 and s3.  They love their dad.  I am trying to organize my post so I don't ramble of get lost in translation.

The transformation I have undergone in the past 4 months is incredible.  I remember how I felt the night before I packed and secretly left my bph.  The shell of the former me.  I am here today with dreams and goals that seem larger than life and a new found power in myself. I took a semester off from classes.  It was a good decision because I had completely altered my life.  I needed to get my footing back.  I also started a new job at a better hotel with full time hours.  I unfortunately have to work some nights for now, but I am going to prove I am vital and get more sway on what hours I work.   

I found out as well that they raised the age limit to enter the army.  Crazy maybe, but I wanted to enroll last year, but they said I was too old.  My roommate and I have been talking and we are going to start working on passing the entrance tests. I glanced over the ASVAB and the APFT to see what to expect.  I have only told a couple of my friends.  Part of me thinks I am nuts.  The truth is, I want better for my boys and living the way we are now, isn't what I want for them.  I want them to grow up and see me as strong, powerful, overcome adversary, that no matter where you are in life, you can always chase your dreams.  I decided this goal is what I need to focus.  I am eating better, I am exercising, I am training my mind.

My exbph has moved heaven and earth to prove to me he is a changed man.  He has done everything for me that I begged and fought with him for years.  He helped me when I was sick, when I went all mama bear on his a$$ and ripped him a new one, he told me he understood, knows why I feel the way I do.  He tells me almost everyday how guilty he feels and how terrible he feels for all the horrible things he has said and done over the years.  Hasn't called me any names, instantly apologizes when he knows he is wrong, lets me roam and do my own thing, texts me every day telling me how beautiful I am, hopes I have a good day.  I have flown off the handle, been downright explosively mean, sarcastic, telling him to stop trying, to stop loving me, to give up.  Telling me that losing me has opened his eyes, constantly shows me that even when we fight that he doesn't go crazy, he's understands, empathetic. 

I wanted to say all of this because, I told my girl friend, he is finally being the man that I knew he could be.  The man that I fell in love with, that disappeared.  The man that I was holding on to so desperately to come back to just love me how he use to.  He's being the man that knows the value of a good woman. He's being the man that I dreamed of having.  He's being the kind of father that will raise the boys right.  It breaks my heart that he waited so long to make an appearance and may have never become if I hadn't left.   

Part of me wants to run back into his arms and have him hold me and believe that he has changed and a large part of me honestly believes he has changed.  I want to believe that if I go back that I can live my life, but still be with him.  There still is this fortress in my mind.  The almost subconscious part of me that is preventing me from accepting this changed him.  I still have a lot of seething anger and resentment.
 Sometimes when he apologizes for the wrong doings in the past, I feel a strong urge to rage at him and pace like a caged wild animal.  It's as if the feeling of being powerless all those times comes back will full force and I feel the need to protect myself. 

I have seen what my life is becoming without him being a part of it.  I have come so far, made such great strides, have become so much happier and free.  Even after all this time, I find posting on here to get my feelings out in black and white to review them is almost therapeutic

[Frankee]

It has been awhile since I have posted and I thought it was time for an update.  I am posting this from computer, at my home I share with my roommate.  Today I am posting this without fear, without worry.  I have been separated from my exbph for 4 months now.  It has been a very painful and at times, almost unbearable with heartache.  I wish I could do no contact, but I accept the fact I can't because of s8 and s3.  They love their dad.  I am trying to organize my post so I don't ramble of get lost in translation.

The transformation I have undergone in the past 4 months is incredible.  I remember how I felt the night before I packed and secretly left my bph.  The shell of the former me.  I am here today with dreams and goals that seem larger than life and a new found power in myself. I took a semester off from classes.  It was a good decision because I had completely altered my life.  I needed to get my footing back.  I also started a new job at a better hotel with full time hours.  I unfortunately have to work some nights for now, but I am going to prove I am vital and get more sway on what hours I work.   

I found out as well that they raised the age limit to enter the army.  Crazy maybe, but I wanted to enroll last year, but they said I was too old.  My roommate and I have been talking and we are going to start working on passing the entrance tests. I glanced over the ASVAB and the APFT to see what to expect.  I have only told a couple of my friends.  Part of me thinks I am nuts.  The truth is, I want better for my boys and living the way we are now, isn't what I want for them.  I want them to grow up and see me as strong, powerful, overcome adversary, that no matter where you are in life, you can always chase your dreams.  I decided this goal is what I need to focus.  I am eating better, I am exercising, I am training my mind.

My exbph has moved heaven and earth to prove to me he is a changed man.  He has done everything for me that I begged and fought with him for years.  He helped me when I was sick, when I went all mama bear on his a$$ and ripped him a new one, he told me he understood, knows why I feel the way I do.  He tells me almost everyday how guilty he feels and how terrible he feels for all the horrible things he has said and done over the years.  Hasn't called me any names, instantly apologizes when he knows he is wrong, lets me roam and do my own thing, texts me every day telling me how beautiful I am, hopes I have a good day.  I have flown off the handle, been downright explosively mean, sarcastic, telling him to stop trying, to stop loving me, to give up.  Telling me that losing me has opened his eyes, constantly shows me that even when we fight that he doesn't go crazy, he's understands, empathetic. 

I wanted to say all of this because, I told my girl friend, he is finally being the man that I knew he could be.  The man that I fell in love with, that disappeared.  The man that I was holding on to so desperately to come back to just love me how he use to.  He's being the man that knows the value of a good woman. He's being the man that I dreamed of having.  He's being the kind of father that will raise the boys right.  It breaks my heart that he waited so long to make an appearance and may have never become if I hadn't left.   

Part of me wants to run back into his arms and have him hold me and believe that he has changed and a large part of me honestly believes he has changed.  I want to believe that if I go back that I can live my life, but still be with him.  There still is this fortress in my mind.  The almost subconscious part of me that is preventing me from accepting this changed him.  I still have a lot of seething anger and resentment.
 Sometimes when he apologizes for the wrong doings in the past, I feel a strong urge to rage at him and pace like a caged wild animal.  It's as if the feeling of being powerless all those times comes back will full force and I feel the need to protect myself. 

I have seen what my life is becoming without him being a part of it.  I have come so far, made such great strides, have become so much happier and free.  Even after all this time, I find posting on here to get my feelings out in black and white to review them is almost therapeutic

[confusedbybdp]

 
What a powerful story of survival you have written.  You reclaimed your life and then some!  I think your dreams, and even more so, the steps you are taking to reach them are awesome.  I would give you a hug if I could!   

As I finished reading what you wrote, a thought popped into my mind.  I don't know if this is true for your ex, but my ex ALWAYS was a better man when he thought he was losing me.  That's the only time I saw the adult, sane, and thoughtful person I had fallen in love with.  Problem was, every time we got back together, THAT person faded away and was replaced by the little child who raged, was impulsive, jealous (of my dog!), and chaotic.  Has your ex been going to therapy?  Unless he's been in treatment for a while, I would be very protective of the decisions and the gains you have made.  I'm not sure he is showing you his true self.  My ex always knew what to say to woo me back, but it was all a charade.  They are excellent gamers, as you know.  Please be careful! 

[snowglobe]

Frankie,
First of all, I want to congratulate you, reading your story brought the tears of joy to my eyes. You sound very calm, organized and composed. You seem to process your feelings and reality simultaneously. No longer do you sound like you are running away. Your post send the “radical acceptance” message. It’s a huge departure from your posts a year ago. You must be very proud... and conflicted. Your ex is now trying to be the knight in shining armour to win you back. Although you made gains, life is hard. It is harder still having two children that depend on you for their welfare. Child rearing is easier to do when you have a village. Do you have any other support group other then your ex?

[Lucky Jim]

Today I am posting this without fear, without worry.  I have been separated from my exbph for 4 months now.

Hey Frankee,  Posting here without fear or worry indicates to me that you are in a better place than you were with your BPDxH.  It sounds like you have come a long way:

The transformation I have undergone in the past 4 months is incredible.  I remember how I felt the night before I packed and secretly left my bph.  The shell of the former me.  I am here today with dreams and goals that seem larger than life and a new found power in myself.

Four months is still a relatively short time, so give yourself credit.  You are finding yourself again, which is healthy.  Suggest you stay the course and continue on your new path.

LuckyJim