Accountability

[Trust5]

My husband, daughter and I are in conflict over financial responsibility of our other daughter’s (one with BPD) managing of money. My husband says “I’ll take care of it”.  I cannot handle the stress of it.  Between her rent, therapies, and other expenses we pay “whatever she can’t” according to my husband but he can’t give me a dollar amount of what we give.  Both my husband and I work full time.  I hate that my husband makes ridiculous sacrifices like not fixing the AC in his car with 3+  months of sweltering heat. Our daughter works part time and gets a changing amount of SS money but no where near what her expenses are.  My husband feels sorry for her, her sister feels she’s spoiled and wastes money and I hate that she has little awareness of what she spends.  When she had a counselor who tried to address the issue, she just screamed and cried and stopped seeing her.  This is a hot topic that we avoid because otherwise we have good communication now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Hi Trust,
I totally understand where you are coming from, and I understand when your other daughter feels her sister is "spoiled".   It must feel unfair to her, she must be frustrated that she is holding herself accountable but maybe feels her sister doesn't have to do the same?
Have you and your husband thought about sitting down and creating a budget that either you present to her (or do together with her) of what you are willing/able to assist with financially such as therapy etc., and what will lay on your daughter's shoulders?   Is your H willing to do this?
If I was in your shoes I would be concerned that this will go on forever and you will still be doing this 20 years from now.   She may not realize that you don't have unlimited funds to supply.
The books that I have been reading say not to "fragilize" our loved ones and to remind them that they can do hard things.
Would it work to start with a 3 month budget, and show her how it will change again in 6 months or a year so that you can slowly wean her off of you supporting her for things she should be able to take care of herself?
My son is 30,  he used to be homeless, then he busked for a living etc., etc. and he finally for the first time has held a full-time job making good money for over 4 months but he is fighting it all the way.  I give him credit, this is a major accomplishment for him.  He has to get up at 4:30am and work 11 hour days.  He is angry at me that he has to work this hard.  Says he is going to get diabetes because he can't afford the time to eat properly and that is my fault.  Says he's going to loose his teeth because he can't afford the time or money to go to the dentist (which is also my fault).  It's my fault that he has to work this hard to pay off debt that he incurred while he didn't work because he was to depressed and upset about the limits that I placed on him.  He's fighting it, he hates it but he is doing it.  I think he just hates the idea of it but while at work he does it well and it seems like he takes pride.  Pride is such an important thing because it is the opposite of shame.  I  think if we put pride on on side of the scale and shame on the other we hope that at very least the scale balances.
Do you think if she has to take responsibility for her finances that she might try to do better at work and maybe even find a better job one day? 
I know this is tough because you don't want to overwhelm her and go backwards but something is going to give!   So do you think that if you can create a plan that you can stick to, and something that is achievable for her it might be a good start?  She will likely fight it, scream and cry again but it's important for you to stand your ground and for her to know that you have expenses too and have to figure out how to find the money to fix the car etc.   Remind her that she can do hard things.
It's not an easy road but the goal is for her to feel better about herself when she discovers that she can do this.
Listen to me talking like I know everything... ! I certainly don't and I look up to and respect the others here that come up with such wise words.  I'm just here saying things to you that I would say to my best friend if she approached me with the same issues. 
Take care of yourself!
 

[Trust5]

I am so thankful for your words over an issue that is a hot topic for everyone in my family even weeks after I posted this.   The problem is that my husband and I don’t agree.  All I hear from him is “I’ll handle it.”   We tried to talk with a counselor.  We were supposed to meet altogether with our daughter.  Our daughter screamed and left the counselor’s office before we arrived. Then my husband listened to the counselor but still didn’t buy into what the counselor was saying.  So my daughter stopped seeing the counselor and my husband wouldn’t go back to her either.  I have to figure out what to say to my husband to get him to understand that making her accountable is necessary.  Maybe there is an article he could read or a podcast to listen to about this?

[formflier]

What was the counselor saying that was so objectionable?

Do you feel you should have control of your husband's spending?

Does he try to control yours?

Best,

FF

[twocrazycats]

Hi Trust5,
I agree with the importance of getting our BPD sons/daughters to be self-sufficient. After all, we won't be here forever. I know I feel that way about my daughter.

You said that the problem is that you and your husband don't agree on what to do about it. I think that right there is the first thing that I would want to solve. Does the counselor help you and your husband to see each other's sides and work toward a compromise? Because I can see his side, too. It's his child. He wants to make sure she has enough money to be okay. I'm a single parent, so I have that battle of perspectives within my own mind. Part of me really wants to make sure my daughter becomes self sufficient and accountable. Another part will do anything to make sure she's okay. I try to find a balance by giving her help, such as college expenses, that can help secure her future. I also give her conditions to get that help, such as earning above a specific gpa. She actually asked on her own before I said anything, what happens if she can't make it through college? I answered that then she would need to get a full-time job and start paying rent, either to me or in her own place.

Everything I've read on parenting a child with BPD emphasizes the importance of both parents being on the same page with parenting (our sons and daughters are often only too happy to use triangulating). So I would hope that your counselor can help you and your husband with that. It's not easy.

2CC

[BoyMom]

I can so relate to you guys. My husband and I sat down and wrote up a list of his bills and how much we give him. I think when he sees that in black and white he may be surprised, I know we were. And he says things like, "There's so much work that needs to be done in this house and y'all are too lazy to do it." Um no, I'd love to be able to do it but as long as we're supporting 2 households we don't have the money to afford such luxuries for ourselves. One time I pointed out to him that we supported him and that it would instill a pride in him if he were able to work ANY job to support himself. Well he said we helped one brother get a job, but we won't help him. He thinks my husband can just carve out a job for him at his company but he doesn't understand that H doesn't run the day to day of the company, he just presides over the board. And he can't get just any old job because that's beneath him and would make him "go backwards". We don't do anything to help him, etc. Well we sent him to 2 colleges, we hired a resume pro to make a resume and cover letter for him, etc. But like you, says he'll be homeless and it'll be our fault, his teeth will rot and fall out and it'll be our fault (he's aged out of our insurance), the apt. we can afford to pay for him isn't that great and people will think badly of him and that'll be our fault because we don't care about "his image and reputation". We took away his credit card because he was living like a king despite our many warnings that we'd take away the card if he continued spending so much (The $700 vacuum cleaner because he was convinced the dust was making him sick and that was our fault) was the catalyst to finally take it away. And then of course there's the comparing. You point out he's spending money we cant afford and he shifts it onto one of his brothers, asserting the untrue statement that we do everything for them but refuse to anything for him. He's an absolute MASTER of deflection and is woefully deficient in taking any responsibility for himself. I have reminded him of what he did his senior year of HS all by himself, seeking out and attending extra classes in order to raise his GPA, how he worked so hard and I was proud of him and therefore know he's capable of it. I honestly think it would do wonders for him to get a job (he has too much time on his hands to think up insults for everyone around him) and feel a sense of accomplishment and purpose. When his brother drives home tomorrow we're planning on sitting down with him and showing him what it costs to be him and set some goals for being self sufficient.

[formflier]

Why provide support to people that don't express and show their thanks for support?

Best,

FF

[BoyMom]

That's a good question FF. Why do we provide support for those that don't express appreciation? I guess that goes back to the entitlement that we've afforded him. Big mistake. And then that circles back around to what would we do and how would we feel if we just yanked it out from under him? Well I'd feel like PLEASE READ if we pulled that rug out from under him. Sure, I was supporting myself and putting myself through college when I was even younger than him. I'm the person I am today because of it. We tried to make things easier for our kids because we had it so hard. And in an ironic twist of fate made it worse. So back to tough love, our parents used it on us and we were successful, why do we feel so guilty doing the same for our kids? That's a merry go round that could go on for days. Here's a question for 2019, regarding the cell phone and family plans, how do we ever get our kids off the family plan? Sure I know that's common sense, but it's a sign of our times. I know people who keep their kids on the family plans but require them to pay their share, I know people who still keep their kids on the family plan and pay for it until they "get on their feet". Every generation has its ticks. I certainly don't have all the answers but I thoroughly appreciate everyone's input here, their ideas and suggestions and support and I can't thank you all enough for the dialogue

[formflier]

Why do we provide support for those that don't express appreciation?

I guess that goes back to the entitlement that we've afforded him. Big mistake.

And then that circles back around to what would we do and how would we feel if we just yanked it out from under him?

    We tried to make things easier for our kids because we had it so hard.

And in an ironic twist of fate made it worse.


So back to tough love, our parents used it on us and we were successful, why do we feel so guilty doing the same for our kids?

 

Why overcomplicate things?  If you have made a mistake, why keep making it. 

If you realize that you are driving the wrong way on a trip, why keep going the wrong way.  (there may be a good reason, but I would hope it is one that could be clearly and rationally articulated.

One of the "features" of BPD is a lack of emotional control or emotional resiliency.  People learn control through lots of practice. 

Is it possible that in "saving" our kids from "having to practice control" we have contributed to their lack of resiliency? 

Last thought:  Is it really "fate" or is it the result of choices?  Which way is more empowering for all involved?

Best,

FF

[PeaceMom]

Easy to get off family plan. They take there fancy iPhone and go to ATT and get on the prepaid monthly independent plan and set up auto pay on their debit card. It’s $40 a month. Like a Go phone but they use their iPhone. This was the 1st thing we did w/DD19 uBpd when she was using her phone on our plan to send inappropriate pics, rage text us and other possibly illegal communications.
That was a 1 hour fix. Easy

[PeaceMom]

 Boymom,
None of this is easy and if you are like me the resentment is building slowly and steadily. pWBD are laser focused on our underlying sarcasm, resentment, rejection. It’s all there in my house. I’ve had to get to a place of radical acceptance of who DD is at her core and no longer expect her to operate with logic . This will come later after much DBT work.

I totally understand being confused bc of their “apparent competence”. These young adults can get thru college classes, sometimes maintain jobs and even have some decent relationships, but put it all together and they implode. This is all discussed in “Loving someone w/BPD”.

From what you’ve shared, your DS appears deeply insecure, exquisitely rejection sensitive and shame filled, but come off as the tough guy trying to use odd logic to be heard and understood. It’s not about being “right” or “wrong”, it’s about being deeply understood and accepted.

I’m still learning all this as I’ve been on this blog about 6 mos.

Please take what you want and leave what you don’t.
Big hug from Texas!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BoyMom]

FF - you're right, it has nothing to do with fate, it's our choices and it's easy to get into a false sense of comfort while he's living in Cali and we're home in Texas (Hi neighbor PeaceMom), and when we have the peace in our home with him out there, it's easy to put "fixing things" on the back burner while we live our daily busy lives. But I think we've reached our breaking point this time.  I had no idea how easy it was to set up his own phone and that's one of the first things I'm going to do. If he wants to rage text us he can do it on his own dime. 'Course he'd have to earn that dime and that's a whole 'nother thing. I often wonder how in the world he lives with the fact that he has to ask us for money and rely on us at 26, that's something so foreign to me. I was on my own and paying my own bills and putting myself through college at 19. But that was expected of me, we've built a different reality for him. Where I would have felt shame to ask my mom for anything at that age, he doesn't because it's a habit WE HAVE MADE for him. And like  you said FF, we've been going on this wrong road for too long with a broken GPS, ignoring the internal warnings to "take the nearest u-turn" because it's been easier to continue down the flat, isolated road when we should have long ago taken that long, winding, uphill road filled with potholes and dodging falling rocks, through acclimate weather because at least that road would have gotten us to our destination, while the flat isolated and boring road has only taken us in circles. And you're right FF about continuing support for someone who doesn't express gratitude. It's like in his mind he's still 16 and it's our job, and the biggest hurdle will be having the conversation with him and keeping it on JUST him, without him throwing his brothers into the conversation and asking us what we do for them. A common convo would (and has) gone like this:
Have you sent your resume around and applied for jobs?
DS: You don't understand, it's not that simple, what is A doing?
Well A is in school right now.
DS: He's probably on drugs and you're too stupid to see it, you don't know what he's doing there. And B is a loser but you feel sorry for him so you let him get away with anything (B is our son that's been with us since age 10 when his parents died)
So it's really hard to stay on topic when he's constantly deflecting.

[formflier]

Are you familiar with "projection"?  I would guess (no way to be sure), that  projection is more likely than deflection.

Would you like to kick around some ideas about how to incentivize him to be independent?

Best

FF

[BoyMom]

He does them both well, deflection and projection. I'd love some ideas on how to get him to be independent. Every time we try and talk about that, he brings up one of his brothers and wants to denigrate them instead of talking about what he can do to be independent. I got my first job at 13 when I lied about my age because I knew my single mom couldn't afford for me to "keep up with the Joneses". When I was in California we were out to dinner one night and our waiter was an actor waiting tables to pay the bills, very common out there. Any suggestion of doing that he says is "moving backwards". The only way I see to make him get a job to pay the bills would be to cut him off completely. He's very concerned about what others think of him and compares himself to friends from HS who are working careers now. We could try incrementally giving him payment responsibilities and ease him into it or maybe incrementally stop paying for things. As I said somewhere, we took away the credit card that we gave him for emergencies which he started to abuse, and put him on a budget on his debit card so he's had to make those choices of whether to get up and go get food or postmate it. I'm really interested in reading up on the DBT

[formflier]

I created another thread to discuss ways to encourage independence.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=342034.msg13094483#msg13094483.


Most likely they will want to talk about "unfair" or "what brothers and sisters got".  I would think any further conversation about those topics is counterproductive.

Best,

FF

[BoyMom]

Wow, thanks FF! You've been an immeasurable help - I feel like I've hijacked some of you others with my own problems, and for that I apologize but I really appreciate all of you and look forward to the day when I can contribute some good news/advice myself!

[Trust5]

FF, My daughter goes into a rage whenever the topic of making a budget is initiated. There is always a lot of anxiety around managing money for her. I grew up in a family with six kids and money was limited so it was a source of anxiety for me as a parent as well. My husband manages our finances and rarely limits my spending because he trusts me because I have been frugal all my life. So, I guess he thinks he can trust her the same way as he trusts me. But she has never learned to control her spending and any conflicts are always quickly resolved by him.  I wish she could experience more natural logical consequences and that is what I will talk about with a counselor when when/if we get to counseling.   And example would be, every time she comes to visit us she leaves something by accident and ask us to ship it back to her. So my husband doesn’t hesitate to go to the post office and send back whatever she leaves without even considering an alternate option that would possibly help her remember to check the house next time!  I have scheduled an appointment later this month and praying he will come with me. If not, I will have to figure out how to relay the advice from the counselor to my husband.

[formflier]

If not, I will have to figure out how to relay the advice from the counselor to my husband.

Probably not a good idea to chase around someone who says and does things that say "I don't want to listen"...and try to get them to listen.

Whatever she leaves, put it in storage for the next time she comes.  If your husband asks about it, thank him for his interest and assure him you have it handled.  Also mention you are open to compromise about how you jointly handled your daughter, should he be interested in that as well.

Value:  You respect his unilateral parenting decisions and expect him to respect yours as well. If he chooses not to respect yours, you will reciprocate.  While realizing that compromise is best, but for various reasons, not always possible.  Waiting on compromise is not an option, especially when compromise is rarely attempted.

How would this fly?  Good job on a frugal life.  I have 8 kids, you have to stretch things!

Best,

FF

[BoyMom]

Trust5,
I could have written every single word you wrote and substituted "son" with "daughter". My son is flying back tonight and we're going to initiate a conversation with him before he does. Not something we're looking forward to but since we allowed him back into the house he's been on his best behavior. I think it was best that we didn't have the hard convo yet because he was probably expecting it and would have been in a defensive stance. He's been the only son in the house the last 2 days so I think giving him a calm environment may (hopefully) make the convo a little easier today. I'm just going to remind my husband of all the great advice I've read here the past week and ask him to watch for my cues if he starts to go down a road where he might be invalidating to our son, etc. It's a muscle we both need to exercise until we're better able to use it over time.

[formflier]

Probably better to take him out for a burger and shake, rather than have the convo at home.

What do you think?

Best,

FF

[BoyMom]

I was literally just thinking about this. He just got back from lunch with a friend and is squeezing in one more friend visit before we go to the airport so we're running out of time (the stress of hauling butt to the airport has been so bad in the past that we now put an extra time buffer in so, "We'll leave at ?pm because A,B & C" so he's planning on getting back JUST in time to leave. So I was thinking since I've done all this reading, would it be better for me to have the conversation on the way to the airport. But I don't want Dad to feel left out. He's upstairs packing now but when he got back from lunch I heard him say, "Dad, you know how your truck always asks you to update the network? I figured it out and fixed that for you." So of course Dad thanked him because that's a bug that's always bugged us. So I was literally just sitting here thinking when he comes back downstairs I could say, "I heard you tell Dad you fixed that network thing in his truck, you've always been good with things like that" and maybe let that smooth into ideas for using that skill in employment. Maybe that would be better than handing him the piece of paper where we wrote down his bills and said, "This is what it costs to be you! What are you gonna do to pay these yourself?" I already talked to my husband about giving him goals to take over payments incrementally and asking what we could do to partner with him to help him find a job, or even a job while he's looking for a job that he thinks will fulfill him. Even if it's just teaching guitar lessons. Sometimes I think he has too much time on his hands and if he were busy he'd have less time to stew in thoughts that everyone thinks he's "crazy".

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[formflier]

I would say don't "force" the conversation.

It's important in relationships and training animals (big horse family) to "leave things on a good note".

Even if you didn't get the training done that you wanted, you need to ask yourself "If I push here, can we really accomplish it, or should we cut it here on a good note (when the horse is performing well)."

Almost always...we leave it at performing well.  Most times we push it..we regret it.

You are talking about finances...email and spreadsheets work great.
 
Plus we can help guide you here in creating that, or creating a shell for him to fill in.  (let him solve this, not you.  Yes, you will need to apply pressure or let pressure be applied/not save him from pressure)

Best,

FF

[BoyMom]

FF,
That's some EXCELLENT advice. As it happened, my husband had a work crisis come up today so he's been on the phone all day and on conference calls and so the opportunity just wasn't there. Then my son went to meet his friend and I read what you wrote to him and he is fully on board. Sometimes my son's mind is moving so fast, you can hardly get his attention and I think the only way to get his attention financially would for him to see it in black and white. I did lay a couple seeds (the "good job" on fixing the truck quirk, and telling him I ran into his old guitar instructor the other day) so I plan on picking up those couple threads on the way to the airport and instead of "get a job doing this or that", ask him how those things he's good at could maybe translate into at least temporary jobs. And then tomorrow we can email the cost of living sheet we made him. And then from there I wonder if emailing him small doses of reading material about BPD might be a good idea so that he'll maybe start recognizing it in himself and WANT the help.

[formflier]

I would suggest less "suggesting" and more opportunities for "him to solve".

It's so hard to avoid "solving" thing that are so obvious.  "I'll solve this one and then you get the next one..ok?"

Except...they let you solve the next, and ...and...and

What if you and hubby kicked around an email for a week, perhaps two...to go along with spreadsheet.

Figure out how you are going to incentivize him, figure out what you really are going to let him do without and then start the process.

Start it from a place of believing in him...and keep believing.

Hey junior (I'm from the south), I'm still amazed at how resourceful you are, especially when left to you own devices.  We sure do enjoy Dad's truck now that you fixed it.

As you know, it's a new year and we are looking to the future.  In order that you can plan your future better we have a broad outline of what we see as your current expenses (see attached spreadsheet).

For the next three months we will be providing x amount of support at  flat rate every two weeks.  At the end of the quarter we will match whatever money you have earned at a ratio of $2 for each $1 you earn, up to ($x).
 
You can expect the ratio to adjust each quarter as the year progresses.  We'll have another financial meeting in March and listen to your thoughts and come up with further options then.

Looking forward to celebrating success with you.

Best,

Mom and Dad

Very matter of fact and believe in him.

Best,

FF

[BoyMom]

I like that. The habit of swooping in is as bad on our end as it is on his in expecting it. Two examples just from the time I dropped him at the airport:
1. He texted me asking me what to say to his friend to thank him for letting him stay there a couple days.  Normally I'd have written something for him that he could copy and paste, and as I started to formulate a thank you, I'm like what? So I said, "You don't need to say anything flowery, he's your friend, you know how to thank him."
2. This morning, because he's been here a week, he discovered his car battery was dead. What do I do? I started to jump online to find a rescue and stopped myself. Instead I gave him a list of 3 ideas and let him choose one and go from there.

[PeaceMom]

Boymom,
Good work. As a mom of 3 young adult men, I completely understand these dynamics. I picture myself as a human backboard bouncing these things right back into their court. The hardest part is not absorbing any of the angst, impatience or frustration they try to put on us. I see this with my best girlfriends with healthy adult male children too. We’ve operated as their prefrontal cortex for far too long and need to gently place problem solving responsibility back in their laps where it belongs.   

[livednlearned]

I guess he thinks he can trust her the same way as he trusts me.

My guess he is more accustomed to fixing and rescuing and saving her as a way to avoid conflict.

Families tend to get strength from participating and cooperating and the degree of conflict that goes with BPD sufferers throws most of us for a loop. The skills are not intuitive and must be learned. Our families get very banged up  

Every time there is BPD-driven conflict there is damage done to the family structure. Your husband likely doesn't see an alternative to fixing the problem with money. He doesn't have those skills yet. Throwing money at her problems solves one problem (avoiding conflict) and he has discovered he can live with the other problem (no AC, working more, experiencing low-level conflict with you). In his mind, he is set. He has found an unpleasant level of distress he can tolerate. And he can channel his frustration into confrontations or obstructions with you, experiencing the frustration he feels with himself and your D by experiencing it with you (who becomes the problem).

I have scheduled an appointment later this month and praying he will come with me. If not, I will have to figure out how to relay the advice from the counselor to my husband.

I have a similar issue with my husband. My advice is to see a counselor on your own for a while and shore up support while you prepare to let your husband experience the natural consequences of his actions. I don't talk to my H about my approach because it only gives him a safer outlet for the frustration he feels about SD23's behaviors.

SD23 also leaves things behind. One time she left her medication here and H asked if I could send it via post. It never arrived because SD23 gave us the wrong zip code. He couldn't bring himself to tell her that's why she didn't get it, and instead spent hours trying to solve ways she could get an emergency dose from her local pharmacy. She blamed me for being incompetent.

My response is that I do not participate in rescue missions anymore. I'm not mean about it, I just don't offer and if I'm asked I politely decline. "Last time went badly and I felt confused. I am learning to take care of myself and one way is to not put myself in the line of fire anymore." That's along the lines of what I say to H.

To SD23 I say stuff like, "I don't have any experience with that. What are your thoughts?"

If she's in a panic to print her resume the night before an interview and our printer is out of ink, I say, "Any ideas on how to get your resume printed since this one seems to be out of ink?" She is remarkably resourceful when her dad isn't here. Doesn't mean there isn't a ton of anxiety and drama, but she does seem to figure things out the less I get involved.

I try to focus on "I" statements and choose my words carefully, especially with H. I don't want to shame my husband -- this is deeply painful stuff for him. I also want him to know that when it comes to SD23 drama this is how I take care of myself. No apologies, no excuses, no explanations. And to deal with the begrudging disappointment that comes my way, I go out. I change the scenery.

H is getting there, slowly slowly slowly. Without me in the triangle, he is more likely to express frustration with SD23. That rarely happened before. He is more likely to change his behaviors if he experiences his own frustration directly.

Money makes it challenging because you are impacted. I don't know how I would handle it in your shoes but one possible suggestion is to say to him, "Everything we offer D, let's put that same amount in savings."

Would that work?

Before focusing on this stuff with D, I think you may find a world of opportunity exists in the way you work with H. Otherwise, you set yourself up for constant undermining. H is already not cooperating with you -- he knows that your degree of conflict is tolerable, whereas what he experiences with D is not.

One of the effects of BPD on family relationships is that splitting tends to occur somewhere, often. There is virtually nothing that SD23 does that doesn't have the end result of splitting among family members. It takes a lot of work to preserve the strength of marriages when a child has BPD. It's slow and steady work and may feel lonely as you become the emotional leader leading the way. Here, you are among others trying to do this work so feel free to pull up a chair  

Be gentle with yourself and know that this stuff can take time. You are so thoughtful and insightful and patient and resourceful, that is clear from your comments.

Glad you found the site  

LnL

[formflier]

Be gentle with yourself and know that this stuff can take time. 

And..."progress" is rarely made through "home runs".  It's usually made with consistent small things that move relationships to a healthier place. 

Look at LnL's example of printer ink.  That's a small thing, yet she "handed responsibility (accountability) back to the pwBPD. 

Done consistently...progress towards "healthier" will happen.

Best,

FF