New Here: Just Some Thoughts

[sarahbutterflies]

Hi,
I've never posted in a forum like this before and never thought I would be doing so but I thought it may be helpful. I'm in my 20s and still in college. Luckily I live on campus even though the school is not far from home, if I can/should even call it that. My parents are in the middle of getting a divorce which should have happened a long time ago. My mom has BPD and my dad has NPD. I'm also adopted and an only child so I don't know if that has a large play into everything although I'm sure it has some impact. I would say I have been more impacted by my mother than my father even though she would like to think otherwise. I have many issues with both my parents and would love them not to be part of my life honestly, which is a sad thing to say but they make my life more difficult than it should be and just is very toxic. I read a different post on here and it was actually really helpful knowing that other people have experienced the same thing and have similar feelings. Growing up I always knew there wasn't something quite right but I had no idea what it was until recently which has helped me understand things a lot more but I am still filled with anger and frustration. I've had so many issues myself just trying to 'cope' I guess and have felt so much guilt, shame, inadequacy, and self hate for not being a good enough child for not being able to please my parents in the ways that they so wanted. And those are all bad feelings especially as a young child. There is so much more I could say and I could rant for days but it's unnecessary. I've decided that I'm going to and should try my hardest to just let it go. If I let it go I think that will help release all the anger, frustration, and confusion. Something that a therapist I was seeing for a little bit told me in trying to explain my moms condition was along the lines of: your mom has a disability, would you expect a person with no legs run a 5k. Also if there is anyone out there who would just like to talk, it would be cool to have a buddy :)

I do have some questions though:
1. Is there any way to not trigger my mom when having a conversation or even trigger myself when I get upset at how the conversation is going or by the things she says?
2. How do you build good/strong/stable interpersonal connections with others like friends but mostly in a romantic relationship?
3. I know that there is hope but I would like some reassurance that 'it gets better'.

Hope you all have a good night! Thanks for listening :)

[sarahbutterflies]

1. I can't figure out how to edit the original post even though I did it so if someone could tell how haha
2. another question is should I tell her? should I tell my mom that she has NPD?
             - loves to throw in my dads face he has a personality disorder

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

First, check out this thread on how the board works.  I think you have 20 minutes to modify your post, after that, editing is disabled. 

How do I navigate this site?

1. Is there any way to not trigger my mom when having a conversation or even trigger myself when I get upset at how the conversation is going or by the things she says?

We have communication tools and strategies that can help a great deal in terms of not escalating conflict.  You can read about them here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334882.0  It is hard to recommend a particular tools without knowing more details and some specifics so as you share more, we can fine tune our recommendations.     A lot of what we have to do to improve our situations is to learn to self-soothe our own difficult emotions and feelings as we interact.  Managing fear, anxiety and anger will go a long way in terms of being able to have healthier interactions (for us) with our BPD loved one.  I can say for sure that with time and work things do get better for us.  It gets easier to manage the difficulties and our own reactions.  I said easier, not easy though.    Part of this comes from learning more about the behaviors seen in the disorder and knowing what drives them to give us perspective and to de-personalize them. 
part of it is learning the tools.  Part of it is having realistic expectations regarding what sort of relationship we can have.

Your other question about building romantic relationships is more complex.    If looking at it from the position of having had dysfunctional parents who gave bad examples and from whom we learned bad relationship skills and coping strategies, I would say it takes a lot of self awareness and a lot of really hard work.  More specifically it is hard to say without more details.

I hope to hear more from you soon.

Again,