C left for hospital about an hour ago.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Mod Note:  This thread is a continuation of https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340212.0

Yes Gem it’s been all of that and more as I’m sure you know all too well. Thanks for offering some comfort in your words.


C* left for hospital about an hour ago. I walked him out to his car in the hazy morning sunlight. It was emotionally painful when he put his arm around my shoulders as we walked side  by side.

My throat was tight and sore. I couldn’t speak out  of fear that a single word may open the floodgates of my own tears.

He looked sad and grey. C* told me he loved me but I couldn’t return the sentiment... not because I didn’t want to but as to protect myself... in silence... my lips tightened and eyes holding back tears behind my sunglasses.
 
We embraced and he said goodbye... I said nothing... nothing at all...and then he was gone.

[boogs152]

Mod Note:  This thread is a continuation of https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340212.0

Yes Gem it’s been all of that and more as I’m sure you know all too well. Thanks for offering some comfort in your words.


C* left for hospital about an hour ago. I walked him out to his car in the hazy morning sunlight. It was emotionally painful when he put his arm around my shoulders as we walked side  by side.

My throat was tight and sore. I couldn’t speak out  of fear that a single word may open the floodgates of my own tears.

He looked sad and grey. C* told me he loved me but I couldn’t return the sentiment... not because I didn’t want to but as to protect myself... in silence... my lips tightened and eyes holding back tears behind my sunglasses.
 
We embraced and he said goodbye... I said nothing... nothing at all...and then he was gone.

[Harri]

Hi boogs.

It is going to take time to settle and heal.  This is so difficult and there is no good ending but I think, given that, you did really well.  I am sure it hurts though.

How are you doing?

[boogs152]

Hi Harri,

I’m quite tearful today. I know things will get better in time. I just need to stay on course. I think I can. I just hope I don’t get hit with something left field if you know what I mean.

My family are sorry that we have split but were sympathetic to the difficult situation I had found myself in. My mother knows it all but still liked C* none the less.
C* wore a sophisticated mask as you can imagine.

[formflier]

 

Please do something special for yourself today.  And let us know about it!

Very proud of the strength you have shown.

Best,

FF

[boogs152]

Strength? I’m not sure. The only thing I keep focusing on is what I need to do... and what’s the BEST thing to do rather than what my heart wants to do.

I’m trying to go no contact or limit my contact. I notice that my mind keeps wanting to return to thoughts of C* or perhaps wanting to mention him to someone in a conversation or to look at pics. I read somewhere here that when going no contact it’s best to not talk about my ex or look at pics etc.  I’m really trying to follow those guidelines and it makes a lot of sense but why do feel the urge to talk about him or look at pics? It’s interesting to observe the thoughts in my mind. Can anyone explain to me what’s going on for me at this stage of a breakup?

Self care was coffee in the park today

[Harri]

Hi boogs.

why do feel the urge to talk about him or look at pics?

It makes sense to me that you are thinking about him and want to talk about him.  He was/is a big apart of your life for a long time and you both had some pretty strong emotional ties.  Those don't go away all of a sudden after a relationship ends even though you knew this was coming and planned for it. 

We have an article that you might want to read titled No Contact: The Right Way & The Wrong Way  See if it helps any in terms of understanding what you are feeling.  I'm not sure if it is a complete fit for you though. 

 

[boogs152]

Thanks Harri. I’ve read the link and then re read it. It’s been five days since C* left. He tried contacting me for the first time via phone call. I didn’t answer. My heart was racing. He left a message that I’ve deleted.

I think I’ll send him a text message saying that we shouldn’t contact each other for a while. I’ll also state that we should focus on our own healing and that I don’t wish to be in an unhealthy relationship and that I’m not attracted to him anymore?

Super anxious now.

[formflier]

 
Is it wise to let him know either way about your attraction to him?

Simpler is usually better isn't it?

You both need to focus on healing.  Removal of distractions is a big part of that.

What's the most succinct message you can come up with?

When he went to the hospital were any plans made for future contact or lack of contact?

Best,

FF

[Harri]

Hi boogs.   

I agree with what FF says about simplifying your message to him.   Keep your message caring but neutral and focused on healing. 

I know you don't want to leave him any room to think you may get back together with him.  Saying you do not find him attractive and that you do not want to be in an unhealthy relationship seems a bit like kicking him when he is down though I know you do not mean it that way. 

What do you think?

[boogs152]

I sent a message saying,

“I think it’s best if we don’t contact each other for a while. We were in an unhealthy relationship. We both need to focus on our own individual healing now.

I’m anxious about giving him the wrong message. I dont want to go to all this trouble to make space between C* and I only to take steps backwards towards him again. I’ve deliberately told a small number of friends all that he has done in order to keep me accountable to ending the relationship properly  because my heart still holds hope. I can’t take anymore risks. I’ve endured a lot to even make the break by this point.

Does that make sense?

[ForeverDad]

I don't want to go to all this trouble to make space between C* and I only to take steps backwards towards him again. I’ve deliberately told a small number of friends all that he has done in order to keep me accountable to ending the relationship properly because my heart still holds hope.

I'm glad that you're aware of the risk of later — as the impact of past problems fade — wondering if trying the relationship again might work the second time around.  Frankly, it is best for you to end thoughts of future contact and not expect some sudden insight or epiphany from your ex.  You can't fix him, ex's perception of the baggage of the close relationship was the impediment, maybe some emotionally neutral professionals can help him, but you can't.  Grant yourself any Closure you need so you can recover and Move On with your life.

Good too that you've enlisted a support group of sorts to aid you to keep perspective balanced and you more protected.

[boogs152]

Thanks forever dad.


It’s been six weeks no contact. I still think about him everyday. I’m processing a lot. I find my mind keeps trying to figure it out...figure him out...

I guess it’s just my way of processing grief.

I don’t feel this huge gaping hole since he’s been gone. I spent so much time alone in the relationship that there wasn’t anything to really hold on to in the end.
I’m still just going about doing things on my own as I always did when we were together. This is the thing tho... he didn’t realise that shutting down on me meant that I didn’t really have that much to lose by walking away.All I had left was myself.

I chose me.