My ubpd gf has cancer and broke up with me

[Lifeinthefastlane]

I don’t understand what happened. My ubpdgf just found out she has cancer. I had offered to bring her dinner tonight. She broke up with me in the next sentence after she told me. She said she can’t be in a relationship and needed to deal with this alone.  When we got off the phone, I text’d her and Said I can’t imagine what she must be feeling right now. i told her that I would be there for her -that she was not alone. She replied  and said she wasn’t upset with me- “I don’t want to be in this relationship any more. You deserve someone that does. I’ll bring your stuff sometimes. Please don’t fight for me. i’m sorry. Don’t come. It’s not about being alone. i’m not happy. That’s it. I’ll bring your stuff sometime. “ i text’d that i hear you- if you need me to help watch your kids, make dinner for them, or help drive you anywhere I can help in any way you let me.” She replied “no thank you. I’m ok.”

So is that it? We just had a date this past weekend. We have been having challenges and she has been pushing me away since her mom was diagnosed with brain cancer in March. But we had spent alot of time in the summer. Then her mom had a car accident and she has been giving me silent treatment (when at the same time she wanted me to “fight for her”). We’ve been together 2.5 yrs.

I know this cant be about me and i’m not trying to make it that way. I just dont know what to do.

Is this a test? I cant stand being the target all the time. It hurts so much.

[formflier]

You know her best.  Is there anything about her communications that leads you to believe she does NOT mean it?

She has some big life changes and that often gives people new perspective or gets them to take action they have been putting off.


What are you doing to be kind to yourself?

Best,

FF

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks for replying FF. Thats just it—I dont know. Everything has been a test so much in a relationship. So many times she said I should know better that I’m supposed to come when she says not to. The change was the last 6 weeks.

She returned from another country(where her mom lives). Her mom has brain cancer and had a car accident a week after being back.  Then the last 6 weeks I’ve been in the doghouse-silent treatments. During this time she said “I want you to fight for me. I just want to be loved”. At the same time she said the most horrible things to me. The change was that I stopped giving in to the unhealthy behavior and chasing. But whats wierd is that we had a date 5 days ago. i didnt stay over (b/c I didnt feel comfortable). But our date went well-i thought. Yesterday she was asking me to go yo a wedding with her this weekend and we were making plans (her initiative) for thanksgiving with my cousin. It was as if all this was normal -but it was all pushed by her. I asked her yesterday if she had received her results. She said genuinely thanks fornasking but no and she really 100pct believed everything was going to be okay. Then today happened.


So i am completely lost. I dont want an unhealthy relationship and am trying to respect boundaries of  what someone says, they mean. In this case, she’s tested me so many times-I dont know what to do. I can imagine how scared she must be for her kids and what could happen to her. She always had this fear of brest cancer b/c of her mom. And now this..

[formflier]

So...when she says she wants to be loved, does she show you what that looks like?


Whatever you can do to "hand it back to her", is likely a good move.

"Being loved is important.  Would you want me to mirror to you how you love me?"

How do you think she would respond to that question?

Succinct is important.

Best,

FF

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Its all over the board what she says...

Most recently  it was sex-i think.

She wont talk to me right now. She doesnt want to because she ended it.

If I mirrored how she loved me, it would look bad-wouldnt it ? (Silence, bad words, insults) in her mind this hasnt happened. And then she gets angry that I dont acknowledge all she has done. Yet the facts are I’m not talking about year ago-I’m talking about now.

This seems clear that its over. She wants to deal with the cancer alone. She’s not happy she says. She says sex is important. I never withheld sex. Shes blaming me when its not true. We have had sex. But she pushed me away for 6 weeks so we didnt see each other. So then of course its true-“we havent had sex in a long time”. So she “proves” her point snd thus, the rationale to leave.  But now i feel like shes making my body an object for her. Theres no trust for me there. It doesnt matter to her.

[Waddams]

Sounds to me like she means it from what you post. You need to move on.

If she doesn't mean it and is just acting out, it's still a really bad and mentally abusive way to act out. It's hurtful to you and I'd advise you to move on and find someone that can deal with stress without hurting you, especially in manners such as this. Her issues don't give her a free pass to treat you like that.

What else in your life do you have going on to switch focus to? It's how you'll move on (if you chose to), and not backslide into texting or continuing to try to keep her around. Focus your energy on building your life and yourself into a better version of what it is now. Gym, good diet, getting a step up in your career, progressing skill/accomplishments in some hobby, etc.

If you don't want to move on, then you still need to respect what she's just told you and back off. For her to want you and come back, she has to miss you first. She can't do that unless you aren't around anymore.

[formflier]

If I mirrored how she loved me, it would look bad-wouldnt it ? 

Most likely.  Keep handing it back to her when he asks you for "love".  The message is that you are open to this but want to get it right so it matters to her.

Best,

FF

[Lifeinthefastlane]

FF and Waddams,

I dont think she cares anymore. I cant believe how she was taking initiative making plans with me Tuesday night snd then Wednesday she says she has cancer snd breaks up. Just like that. 2.5 yr relationship gone in 3 mins.

I dont know how to hand this back to her.

Im really sad and very angry. Its cold, cruel what she did. There is no excuse/justification.

Today I called her in the morning to see how she was doing. I was shocked she answered. She sounded happy to hear my voice. Her style was like when we were dating. I told her i wanted to be there for her however she would have me. She said “ as a friend”. I said yes. Then we talked about the cancer -carcinoma-invasive. Its all unclear. I said i was going to make a specific meal (which she liked) and if she wanted, i could bring some over this weekend. She said she didnt feel like socializing. I said we didnt have to. I could just drop it off.  And we talked a bit more. Then she had to get off phone.

Now 12 hrs later, i feel so angry. Tossed around lime a rag doll. Sometimes i want to die(not that i would do anything) . Its just the pain is excruciating.  Its the helplessness. She cut me out. I then start wondering if she’s cheating (well i guess its not cheating b/c we’re not together).  I post some things to facebook ( a hot halloween costume i had one year and a message that i’m in search of .. a new adventure.. life is too short”.. if she decides to stalk fb (which she has done before) she’ll see it. I feel a need to have some control back. I dont care honestly right now what she wants. You dont tell your partner you have cancer and then cut them out like they are worthless.

I am angry. I want to tell her my anger. I feel i have that right. This is not excusable. She could care less anyway. I am going to try not to text her nor call her tomorrow.

My therapist believes i should NOT be there for her as a friend. She fears she will eventually take advantage of me again and rope me back in.  Im starting to see this could be possible.

What do i do? It is the pain of being tossed aside so easily and with such cruel heartlessness that hurts the most.


Waddams -how can she miss me? Does this mean i dont respond to her texts or calls if they come? Do i wait a few hrs before responding. Eventually i think they will come.  I think right now she is overwhelmed by her schedule . She “doesnt have time” to deal with all the appointments she has to now make/attend. But that was her choice. She said yesterday she wants to do it alone.

I guess i dont want to talk with her at all this weekend. If she calls how do i say that? I have a right to space too? I want to behave in a way that is true to my values.

[formflier]

I am angry. I want to tell her my anger. I feel i have that right. This is not excusable. She could care less anyway. I am going to try not to text her nor call her tomorrow.

My therapist believes i should NOT be there for her as a friend. 

So..help me connect the dots.

You have a therapist that is letting you know you shouldn't be there for your ex as a friend (so I assume the T says no real contact..right?)

Yet, knowing this is appears you reached out and agreed to be a friend.

Can you reflect on this some and help us understand these decisions?

Best,

FF

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks FF- actually all this happened within 24 hrs.

1pm she told me she had cancer and ended relationship. I said  2pm i text’d I’ll still be here for you.I loved her. She said she doesnt want to be in the relationship anymore. Not happy. I text I understand and hear her. i’ll be there for her to drive her places, make dinner or help however she needs.
She texts thanks-I’m ok.

9am next morning i call her on phone to see how she’s doing. Her tone sounds happy I called (but also manipulative-like thats what she wanted-for me to be chasing/calling). I say i’m here for her however she lets me be. She says as a friend. I say okay. Then we talk about the cancer-she hadnt told me much yet. She laughs about some positives (eg getting new breasts; and some other things) and I offer to bring her some food that I was making anyway this weekend. She says she doesnt feel like socializing. I say okay if she changes her mind/I can drop it off and we dont need to socialize.  She says lets talk Friday. And then she has to go. (She is overwhelmed with the time for new medical appointments). Her life is already chaotic.

Noon: I see therapist and she advises not being friend. She thinks g/f will rope me in using her illness and then abuse/hurt me again. I explain that ive lost too many people i love and for me its time. You can never get enough time with those you love. Im mad too that i feel she forced me to let her in when i was sick and now she’s setting me up to be the one not there when thats what she wanted.

But now I’m mad. I feel taken for granted. I feel like at some point she is going to call. And now im angry. I havent sh are ed any of my feelings about her breaking ip with me. Its not about changing her mind. Its about me having a voice.

On a related note-our couples therapist for some reason included me in a text letting me know she was going to swe g/f individually at that time. So now i want to send this texr (my g/f is also on that group text):

“Thanks (couples therapist name). Since (my g/f) ended our “relationship” on her own  15 seconds after telling me she had cancer & 18 hrs after initiating plans for us to spend time together, she has made her unhappiness clear so please remove me from your communications.   I’ve been devalued, not respected and my trust betrayed. I want to be happy too. Again I appreciate all you did for us -well me. She gave up on me/us.. again, but this time in a new cruel, heartless way. Any couple who both are truly genuinely committed to their relationship and getting thru adversity, trusted to fulfill their promises and truly love/respect each other are lucky to have you.  One day I will find that kind of love, commitment, genuine respect, and satisfying emotional and physical intimacy with that special person. I wish you all the best. You were a great therapist for me.”

I know its passive aggressive yet I really dont care . Its not about my g/f’s feelings. Its about me wanting to say what i want to say. And yes, I want the couples therapist to hear this too.

After processing since noon yesterday, my anger is at a new level. Its years of this abuse from her. To tell someone like me(who she KNOWS) has had people die of cancer and gone through my own cancer stuff -that she has cancer and then immediately cut it off(no discussion-nothing) its beyond cruel. Thats the motive. Its me wanting to have my own voice and i really dont care what she does b/c its my feelings and thise are valid too.

[formflier]

Thanks for clarifying, the timeline makes sense now.

 

There is a lot going on here and a MASSIVE amount of pain.  I'm so sorry you have to contend with all this hurt and anger.

Perhaps it's wise to slow down on responding to people, especially with any communication that has to do with this relationship.

Look at it this way.  Let's say the opportunity comes up for you to speak with your ex.  Given the intensity of your feelings, how do you think that would go?

Would it help chances of reconnecting with her?

Would it help her battle cancer?

Would it help you have a more positive view of this relationship, regardless of how it turns out?

Please be kind to yourself!

Best,

FF

[Lifeinthefastlane]

I guess FF you’re right. I didnt contact her today so thats progress. I know i have to “let go” at least thats what everyone and my therapist says. My therapist really things i should be 0 contact even if she contacts me.. not help her.. nothing. She questions me when i say I can do this without going into a relationship. At least see her again. I fee she will contact me.

Im thinkkng about going to church on sunday. Its a small church and sometimes we have connected again there.

I also thought about starting to prepare a box of happy memories for her to give to her when i have to give back her key.. so many memories and videos... maybe that would be good for me to focus on? Cleaning out memories.

And no i dont want it to end .. my therapist is making it clear that my g/f ended it

[Lifeinthefastlane]

On Sunday—I was hurting so deep to my deepest core..so I text’d “you could care less if I’m alive or dead.”   She replied within 3 mins “thats not true.. why would you say that? I’m sorry you’re hurting..” i replied “thats what silence does.”

There was no response. I then said “i’m sorry you’re hurting and going thru this.”

Later that night I realized I had to send a message that was “me” and not fill of anger. So i text’d her a picture of her kids in wonder woman costumes and told her “One of my favorite pictures of 2 Little Wonder Women... mischievious and yet courageous risk-takers with inner strength  just like their wonder woman mama.. sending you lots of love and light in the days ahead.. I promise to respect your space as much and as long as you need..  sleep well”...

I knew it was healthy for me to say to myself that this was it.. no contacting her now.. its been 96 hrs..(4 days)..  is she really gone completely? Why would she text what she did so fast after 72 hrs of no contact from her prior?”

[Cat Familiar]

Do you think she really thought it out carefully or just responded in the moment?

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Tx- Cat Familiar for responding...

I think that one was in the moment