How do you deal with the negativity?

[Ozzie101]

So, I need to work on this one and hoped someone else might have some tips or advice. I wrote a previous post but the problem remains. How do you deal with the negativity and vindictiveness? I'm sure my uBPDh isn't the only one who's like this.

He'll go into long rants about things that he wouldn't seem to have any emotional investment in (like the World Series when he's not a fan of either team). Along the way, he'll pull me into it with comments like "Am I wrong?" (challenging tone) or "Don't you agree?"

It's worse when he's stressed about something and I'm sure it's his way of coping. I get it. I can detach. But it's emotionally exhausting to me and, frankly, unattractive. When he asks a question, I get creative with my responses, like "I can see why you feel that way" or "I agree that they didn't handle that well at all." Sometimes he lets me get away with it. Sometimes he calls me out on careful wording or not really backing him up and gets annoyed.

But the constant negativity, threats of vengeance, etc. just start to wear me down. Anyone else deal with this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stillhopeful4]

Yes, I hear you Ozzie.  I have dealt with this as well.  My issue is if I ever disagreed with her on anything, she would say I was being negative.  One time in our T session, it happened and she said to him, see she's always negative and he said No W, she wasn't negative she just disagreed with you and had a valid point.  She got so mad that "he took YOUR side" she got up and walked out.

I think they just have a different mind set and it's almost like they have different definitions for things.  In the end, if we want peace, I guess we need to adjust ourselves.

I also find they if they are stressed about any other aspect of their life they tend to take it out on us...accept when the other thing is REALLY big and they are really mad at someone they need us to back them up then they are nicer to us.

Not sure if this helps.

SH4

[Ozzie101]

Yes, I've done a lot of work on backing up his feelings, if not his actions. If he asks for my opinion on a course of action, I'm honest with him, but acknowledge the feelings behind it. For instance, wanting to publicly attack someone on Facebook. Did this person treat him poorly? Absolutely. And I told him I understood his desire and related a time I'd felt that way myself. But I also wouldn't handle it the way he wanted to. He told me my way was right and he knew that, he just struggled with wanting to really hurt them. So, we've come a long way there.

It just gets so exhausting hearing the rants, even when I know they're not aimed at me.

[missyou]

Hi Ozzie101,

I can relate to your scenario- this is also common in my relationship with my H - You are not alone!
I find it exhausting as well- he has a lot of strong opinions and no one is safe from his critique -I was at one time- but not any more.
 I am learning to not take them as personal attacks and remember that he is possibly projecting? or that may be my protective mechanism kicking in.
I try to listen and empathize with his point of view, but can't always agree with him if I feel he is going to do something irrational. I try and talk him off the ledge but mostly I am damned if I do or damned if I don't.
It is a tricky situation for me and I suspect for most.
I feel like I am walking a tightrope- trying to listen and support without exacerbating the situation.
My H gets very frustrated with me if he feels I am not listening to the level he expects- he has said in the past he feels like I am treating him like an errant child.  I never want to make him feel that way- but I do shut down and I know it would appear that I am not being as compassionate as I have in the past.
How do you manage when this happens to you- do you find it depends on the scenario and his level of anger?
BTW-Thank you for your support in my previous post- I appreciate your perspective and words of encouragement
MY

[Ozzie101]

Oh, my H has complained of being frustrated with me, too. With anyone, really. The thing is, when he's angry, he wants the people around him to mirror him -- to reflect that anger back. Then, he feels like his feelings are justified. When he was in anger management therapy, his therapist explained how having other people just as angry and worked-up was both unhealthy and unwise and he seemed to understand that at the time. He's better about it now, but I know it still frustrates him.

We've talked about how we process things differently and how my reaction to things is (like yours) to shut down. He knows now that that's my MO.

But, yes, much depends on his anger level. We're getting to the point now where I can tell just from his manner, tone, etc., what sort of rant we're looking at: one that will fizzle out fast or one that's going to approach nuclear levels. The trigger itself is immaterial. The worst rage he's had in months was over something as simple as a minor change to his son's school uniform policy. I just stayed calm and neutral, let him go on. When he tried to drag me into it, I would agree with the parts I could agree with but refrained from correcting him or arguing with him on the rest -- even though I wanted to.

[Birddog]

Ozzie,

Not much to add other than get similar treatment. Most freeing thing for me was not to take it personally, had taken it personally  for years. Establishing firm boundaries on what behaviors I would accept was another thing, being assertive and not necessarily aggressive. She did much better knowing where I stood on things and stopped being overly accommodating. Still get sucked into the drama, but try to keep it manageable and limit it best I can.

I’m pretty much emotionally drained, have been doing more outreach with friends and activities to recharge, time with kids, finding spouse comes to me more as a result and treats me better and it’s not as hard to reciprocate back.

[Borderlined]

Sometimes I feel knowing what bpd is makes it worse for us
We know the patterns,  understand they dysfunctional thinking and just think if they would acknowledge the disorder and work the therapy then they might find an answer to their hurt.
It's kind of like watching a horror movie for the 2nd time and knowing not to go into the dark bedroom because the killer is in there

[Ozzie101]

Yes, it can be. Of course, that could be true for people who don't have BPD (or BPD symptoms) as well: knowing someone well and seeing their patterns. I know I have some of my own.

But it is frustrating at times to know that he's doing something he always does. Or he's threatening to do something. After 20 threats, it's hard for me to respond by getting worked up or upset when I know he won't follow through. I can see the feelings=facts mode, the fear of abandonment, but he can't.