Kinda confused.
I posted on here already that my mother in law threatened suicide a few weeks ago. She has since come home and has been following up with doctors and therapists. She has it in her head, that I "had her arrested for suicide," and that she is under some kind of legal obligation to follow up with the appropriate providers. (It might be horrible, but my husband and I have not corrected her.)
?
While she was in the hospital, she said really awful things to me and my sister in law- all along the lines of it being our fault she was there, how I ruined my husband and her family, how my sister in law is a terrible mom, called both of us a lot of really awful things to vulgar to list here...
...but I am sure you can guess correctly. The list of things she said goes on and on.
Anyway, we have since found out that she didn't really take the pills that she said she was taking- with the caption, "bottoms up," but was using it as a means to communicate really ineffectively.
I understand that my MIL was in a complete state of emotional upheaval, was completely panicked, and did not know how to process or appropriately express or identify what she was feeling. Regardless, I was still really hurt, and appreciated the apology once she seemed to understand the implications of her words.
Her version of events that day do not really line up with what actually happened. The sequence of events she refers to is all out of order from the way things played out and the reasons for her actions were actually events that took place after she made suicide threats, not before like she seems to think. I know that this is not unusual.
Her version is what she presented to the doctors and therapist. According to her, both parties have said something along the lines of this:
You are not responsible for what happened. You were not in your right mind. You've never done anything like this before and you do not owe anyone an apology especially if you do not remember things correctly.
(Should be noted that while this is the most extreme event we have had with her, she has said similar things to me before. In her "right" mind, it is usually more tempered and not as harsh, but I wouldn't really say she has never said anything like that before)
She was complaining to my husband and I that my SIL still hasn't spoken to her since she was in the hospital. My SIL told us that my MIL (her mom) has always been her safe space and that she broke that on the night she was sent to the hospital. I don't think my SIL really knows what to do about all of it. My husband and I explained to my MIL that my SIL is probably still feeling really hurt and confused by all of it and might need time and/or an apology. My MIL responded with, "Well, doesn't she understand how her ignoring me impacts me and how it makes me feel really bad. She should know I wasn't okay and call me because it is hurting me to not talk to her and the grandkids." (It was all about how she feels and not at all about how hurtful her words were)
As I type this, the more I realize how complicated and layered the whole issue is and it isn't a simple question like I initially thought, nor do I really know how to explain it all succinctly.
This feels terrible to say, but my SIL is not aware of the likely BPD diagnosis, nor do i think she has the intellectual capacity or emotional intelligence to really understand what it means. My husband and BIL had a very different experience of my MIL than the 2 daughters did. My MIL's unhealthy ways of coping and communicating and manipulating seem to have been passed down to the daughter's while the son's have worked really hard to move beyond that. (Is that normal? I've never thought about this much until now. Family dynamics are so confusing! My MIL tends to be much more aggressive with woman then men, I am assuming because of all the abuse she was subjected to by men. I think maybe she feels like she has more control and power over women then men. Maybe?)
Anyway, this is a really long way of asking, to what degree should we hold her responsible for her words and actions on that night she was hospitalized? Are the doctors and therapists right- since she wasn't in her right mind, is she exempt from having to apologize or take responsibility for her actions and words? Or are they being manipulated as well? If she isn't even aware of how things actually played out, how can she take responsibility for it?
Bahhh, so many questions, but I'll leave it with this for now. It is late, I am sleepy, and this has likely turned into a rambling incoherent post. Thanks for listening.
