CA wildfires and the borderline

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, everyone. Thanks in advance for your support. Hoping for insights about detaching with love and not taking the borderline's behavior personally. I'm struggling with that.

Some background: I've been no contact with my family of origin for many years (more than 10) for self-preservation and to do my healing work. I take that therapeutic work very seriously. I am limited contact when emergencies strike (like the Tubbs fire in 2017 and Kincade fire in 2019), to enquire if the borderline family member is safe and OK.

My concern: My nearly 80 year old mother, the borderline, recently refused to evacuate her home in Santa Rosa, even though her property was within a mandatory evacuation zone. And even though the Kincade fire came within 5 miles of her home when it was only 5% contained.

During this fire event, I received conflicting and unreliable reports on my mother's whereabouts. From her. From my step-dad (who does not live with her and is divorced from her). From my sister.

At one point, I called the non-emergency line for the Santa Rosa police department and requested that they do a wellness check and drive by her house to encourage her to leave. They arrived quickly and while I happened to be on the phone with my mother also asking her to leave. The fire, at that point, was 5% contained and burning about 5 miles away.

She charmed the police and said she was packing up to go stay with her close friend. She told me the same story. The next day, my birthday, my mother called me supposedly from this friend's house (she said that is where she was calling me from). A few days go by and the friend she was supposed to stay with acknowledged to my sister that my mother never visited. So it appears that my mother lied to the police and her family about her whereabouts during a catastrophe. And again defied evacuation orders. Last night, my mother called me to scold and shame me for calling the police on her, telling me I scared her. I corrected her. And said she broke the law and terrified me. She hung up on me. So a lot of borderline behavior showing up, including splitting.

Note please: At the time of this writing (Nov.1), my mother's home is no longer in a mandatory evacuation zone. Though the fire is 65% contained and still poses a risk.

The compassionate part of me understands that my mother is traumatized by the fires. And likely using denial as a coping strategy. She lost her home in the Tubbs fire. That home was my childhood home.

Re-experiencing the fire and the borderline's behavior is extremely trying for me too. I'm struggling with receiving conflicting information and unreliable communication in the midst of a wildfire crisis. Being unsure of my mother's safety. Being unclear on her whereabouts. She was saying one thing and reassuring me, while doing another and breaking her promises. Endangering herself. And not regarding the concern and feelings of her family members because she can't and doesn't have this to offer us. I understand too that this is her choice, her dignity. If she wants to stay, she can. I did what I could under the circumstances.

I've been angry, sad, and triggered. I don't want to go into rescue behavior and beg her to leave a bad situation. I understand free will. At the same, the risk to property and life was a very real threat due to the fire. It's so hard not to take this self-destructive behavior personally. I was legitimately concerned for her safety. And super stressed about it.

Appreciate your listening. Any tips on not taking this personally? And how to detach with love during a heightened event, like a catastrophe?

Thank you.

[Thank_you]

Hi, everyone. Thanks in advance for your support. Hoping for insights about detaching with love and not taking the borderline's behavior personally. I'm struggling with that.

Some background: I've been no contact with my family of origin for many years (more than 10) for self-preservation and to do my healing work. I take that therapeutic work very seriously. I am limited contact when emergencies strike (like the Tubbs fire in 2017 and Kincade fire in 2019), to enquire if the borderline family member is safe and OK.

My concern: My nearly 80 year old mother, the borderline, recently refused to evacuate her home in Santa Rosa, even though her property was within a mandatory evacuation zone. And even though the Kincade fire came within 5 miles of her home when it was only 5% contained.

During this fire event, I received conflicting and unreliable reports on my mother's whereabouts. From her. From my step-dad (who does not live with her and is divorced from her). From my sister.

At one point, I called the non-emergency line for the Santa Rosa police department and requested that they do a wellness check and drive by her house to encourage her to leave. They arrived quickly and while I happened to be on the phone with my mother also asking her to leave. The fire, at that point, was 5% contained and burning about 5 miles away.

She charmed the police and said she was packing up to go stay with her close friend. She told me the same story. The next day, my birthday, my mother called me supposedly from this friend's house (she said that is where she was calling me from). A few days go by and the friend she was supposed to stay with acknowledged to my sister that my mother never visited. So it appears that my mother lied to the police and her family about her whereabouts during a catastrophe. And again defied evacuation orders. Last night, my mother called me to scold and shame me for calling the police on her, telling me I scared her. I corrected her. And said she broke the law and terrified me. She hung up on me. So a lot of borderline behavior showing up, including splitting.

Note please: At the time of this writing (Nov.1), my mother's home is no longer in a mandatory evacuation zone. Though the fire is 65% contained and still poses a risk.

The compassionate part of me understands that my mother is traumatized by the fires. And likely using denial as a coping strategy. She lost her home in the Tubbs fire. That home was my childhood home.

Re-experiencing the fire and the borderline's behavior is extremely trying for me too. I'm struggling with receiving conflicting information and unreliable communication in the midst of a wildfire crisis. Being unsure of my mother's safety. Being unclear on her whereabouts. She was saying one thing and reassuring me, while doing another and breaking her promises. Endangering herself. And not regarding the concern and feelings of her family members because she can't and doesn't have this to offer us. I understand too that this is her choice, her dignity. If she wants to stay, she can. I did what I could under the circumstances.

I've been angry, sad, and triggered. I don't want to go into rescue behavior and beg her to leave a bad situation. I understand free will. At the same, the risk to property and life was a very real threat due to the fire. It's so hard not to take this self-destructive behavior personally. I was legitimately concerned for her safety. And super stressed about it.

Appreciate your listening. Any tips on not taking this personally? And how to detach with love during a heightened event, like a catastrophe?

Thank you.

[zachira]

I don't know if I have any tips about how to not take what your mother did personally. I am wondering if you are not only concerned about your mother but how her refusal to leave could endanger the lives of others particularly the emergency workers. You are also asking about how to detach during a heightened event like this. I am not sure if it is healthy to detach completely as there are other people's lives at stake when a family member refuses to follow an evacuation order while also being concerned about your 80 year old mother dying in a fire. You seem to have set really healthy boundaries with your mother and only get involved when you feel you have to. In my experience, observing my feelings for at least an hour a day as no feeling will last too long if we process it, has been the most helpful. This practice works during periods of less stress; I have to do more mindfulness during periods of high stress, and sometimes I have to  accept that I will be more emotionally overwhelmed than normal, though eventually I do return to baseline. My mother with BPD would not listen to doctor's recommendations and they had to put her in a recovery facility until she was healed whereas a normal person could have stayed at home. It is hard to deal with having a mother with BPD that refuses to listen to others who have their best interests at heart, yet indeed this is part of the disorder. I don't know what more to say, except I feel that I understand how upsetting all of this it is, and it is normal to feel this way. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[Thank_you]

Hi @zachira. Thank you for your compassionate response. I feel heard and understood. And appreciate it. Am working on the soothing and returning to baseline. I empathize with you and the situation you had with your mother.

Yes, I felt concern about the need to lean on first responders, to check on my mother, when the situation is so massive and so many are affected—calling in their support when they are so strained as it is. I perceived my mother's behavior as selfish as well. Though I understand that she is traumatized. And so are many others in the community.

I also felt concern that, if the winds or conditions were to shift, then my mother and the other stragglers/people who ignored the evacuation orders would be on the road or require emergency rescue (if even available)—at a time when the fire crews and emergency response vehicles most need those roads open and clear to do their job and protect the community and prevent the fire from growing even more massive. They need the roads open to get to people, animals, homes, and the fire—to do their best work for the entire community and keep that community safe. A mandatory evacuation order is mandatory for a reason. It saves lives and helps responders do their work.

[TelHill]

Hello Thank_you,

   

These are very tough decisions to make for a bpd mother.

My mother is elderly and has bpd since my early memory. She was diagnosed a few years ago.

My mom broke her shoulder 2 years ago. She broke her hip last year.  She never wanted help but was taken to the emergency room for help, hospitalized & underwent operations.

She continues to fall. I think some of the falls are her flinging herself on the floor and some are accidents. Are these fake falls cries for attention or suicide attempts?

I don’t know if this is the case with your mom & the CA fires. It struck me as somewhat similar.

[Thank_you]

Hi, TelHill.

Thank you for listening to my experience. How painful for you and for your mother. Wishing you gentleness as you navigate this terrain. The secondary trauma of witnessing or experiencing someone's self-destructive behavior is indeed painful. I understand.

Taking a deep breath of peace. And wishing all of us who have a family member or loved one in the borderline endless tenderness, gentleness, and compassion. 

[zachira]

I am glad I was able to help. Hopefully, there is no next time, yet I keep thinking that if there is, it would be important to call the emergency services that would be able to understand that your mother is manipulative and she has BPD. I believe every area of California has a PERT team, experts in mental health that deal with emergency psychiatric situations while working closely with police. If there is another fire, could you possibly call them and explain what happened during the last fire? Like you, I am concerned for the safety of the emergency workers, and how horrible it would be lose your mother unnecessarily in a fire. I am thinking that you can't help but worry about what your mother might do and having a viable plan for next time might reduce some of your worry.