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Author Topic: My Wife made a suicide attempt/not sure how to move foward  (Read 867 times)
Icopewithmusic

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 8


« on: November 02, 2019, 08:54:23 AM »

Hi, last Thursday my Wife got escalated as she often has fits of rage. She has not been diagnosed with BPD but my Mother has and my Wife has displayed strongly every single trait of BPD. I have been told by my therapist when she gets escalated to let her know I am leaving so she can cool down. I am not to respond to phone calls or text messages which I didn't in this case. As I walked out the door she told me "F" you and continued to send me a barrage of damaging text messages. I went down to watch the Vikings game to keep my mind off of things. All of the sudden my phone buzzes with a Canary (camera) notification from my garage. I do not normally snoop through footage but she had been drinking heavily and I wanted to make sure she was not driving. In the video, she stuck a hose in her tailpipe, placed an end in the vehicle and started the engine with the garage door closed. In a panic I rushed home confronted her in the garage and called 911. She was still in a rage episode. The cops had to pull her off of me. She went to the Hospital and was transferred 3 hours away to a facility in Fargo, Nd. On a 72 hour hold. The staff gave me no information for a couple of days until she allowed me to talk to her. I have read posts on how broken our system is. Her rage lasted through her transfer. They kept her on hold and she seen a therapist on her last day there but they gave me no information, or her no help. They tell her she has depression and let her walk out on her own. The care plan she was sent with was in her own hands to set up. This is the first time she has ever made an attempt on her life. She has had the rage, fear of abandonment, no sense of self, black and white thinking for years. She went to 2 therapy appointments 3 years ago and hasn't been back since. I can get her to admit she has a problem and the she goes to the doctor and gets prescribed anti depressants. I tell her to see a psychiatrist to help her with her depression, tell her I do not want to see you struggle and at times tell her I need her to figure out how to regulate her emotions, she yells all the time. Doesn't anyone else recognize the traits? She has set an appointment with a therapist but I fear this one will not help either. How do I spearhead someone a professional to look for these traits? Understand that a therapist will not give me any information and will form their own opinion and like many others she can turn the normal on and off at will.
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2019, 01:57:53 AM »

Welcome
The recent events sound incredibly stressful.  I'm sorry you and she have been through all that.  You've found a place where there are people who understand what you're going through.  You are not alone.  How long have you been married?  Do you have any kids?

Take a look at this link on how to get a borderline into therapy.  In addition to the article, there is a video at the end.

RC
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Icopewithmusic

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 8


« Reply #2 on: November 03, 2019, 06:04:13 AM »

Married 20 years, 2 adult children. My 26 yr old Stepson and 20 yr old daughter (D). D is staying with us and has talked to her, had some tough words and has been supportive. D lives about 20 minutes away and has not talked to her since. She has had it. We all have been affected for years and this incident pushed it over the edge for D.

My Wife and I talked again yesterday morning, it was rather emotional and not much was resolved. I told her she needs the help for her depression but she also needs to be able to better manage her emotions. I can't take the anger any longer, the smallest thing sets her off. She tells me we are married and it is unrealistic to think we will not ever argue. I let her know that I understand that, I am not saying we won't argue, I am saying you need to manage your anger better. This is different than a normal argument, it is a fit of rage. Thank y
ou for the link.
Welcome
The recent events sound incredibly stressful.  I'm sorry you and she have been through all that.  You've found a place where there are people who understand what you're going through.  You are not alone.  How long have you been married?  Do you have any kids?

Take a look at this link on how to get a borderline into therapy.  In addition to the article, there is a video at the end.

RC

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« Last Edit: November 03, 2019, 08:38:09 AM by Harri, Reason: removed names for confidentiality see guideline 1.15 » Logged
Radcliff
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Posts: 3377


Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2019, 09:52:02 PM »

Can you tell us some more detail about a recent fit of rage?  What did she do?  How did you react?

RC
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Icopewithmusic

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 8


« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2019, 05:57:35 AM »

It was silly really. I have this friend from an old job J that was planning on coming over that Friday and him and I were going to go to the casino and eat at the buffet. I told her of that plan when it was made on Wednesday. She didn't remember me telling her and it became one of those things that I keep from her, I never tell her things kind of thing. The night it happened, I got home from work and noticed an empty bottle of wine on the table so she had been drinking. The conversation started fine. We talked about what we were doing for supper, talked about work a little, talked about the kids while I was doing the dishes. I simply reminded her J was coming over on Friday and boom.
« Last Edit: November 11, 2019, 10:31:10 PM by I Am Redeemed, Reason: edited real name » Logged
Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #5 on: November 09, 2019, 07:03:42 PM »

It's tough to get blindsided like that.  Is your wife back home now?  How have things been with her the last few days?  Are there periods of calm in between the storms?

RC
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Icopewithmusic

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 8


« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2019, 06:35:01 PM »

She is back home about a week ago. We have talked and cried together. She has an appointment the 22nd and says she is committed to going to therapy regularly. The one issue I have now is with the facility she was admitted to in Fargo. It is supposed to be good for this area but it seems it was just a holding facility at best. Nurses just trying to give her anti-depressants and a therapist not seeing her until her last day. She was asked if she was ok setting up therapy on her own, otherwise the facility could set it up for her. Her diagnosis from that appointment...PSTD, Depression, Anxiety and Alchoholism. While being transported the Doctor, Emt and the police and in the police report talked of her blind anger. It was several hours of anger. Also, very regularly she uses the term "how would you feel if someone abandoned you?" So I am 100 percent certain she used that phrase in therapy. She also talks of loving someone and then hating them often...namely my sister...whom she mentioned that strained relationship as part of why she has been depressed.

My point being, she displays multiple traits of BPD. I am disappointed that a trained therapist wouldn't recognize this, even if they themselves don't specialize in BPD. My daughter is in therapy, explained the story about her mom's anger and trying to take her life and she said right away "I think your mom has BPD". The system seems broken.

Things have been pretty tame since she has been home now. And yes, she has periods of calm in between the anger.
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #7 on: November 11, 2019, 08:13:17 PM »

I'm sorry to hear that she didn't get much help while she was gone.  BPD is notoriously underdiagnosed.  The doctor at the facility only had one session, talking to someone with reality distortion.  He was actually at a pretty big disadvantage compared to your daughter's therapist, who was talking to a young woman who's observed your wife over decades.

During the calm times, what do you do?

RC
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Icopewithmusic

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 8


« Reply #8 on: November 12, 2019, 09:11:53 AM »

If you are asking periods of calm during a rage episode there are not many. Mostly I tearfully stare into space. Sometimes try to explain my stance.

A breakthrough moment is that she wants to be part of a plan now. When she is getting escalated I am to make her aware and leave to her Mother's which is an agreed safe place until she calms down. On a personal note I need to set and communicate my boundaries.
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #9 on: November 12, 2019, 02:49:36 PM »

That's good that you're talking together about a plan for keeping things safe. 

By "calm time" I mean in between rage episodes.  My pwBPD's episodes would last 2-3 days and then there'd be a few weeks of calm in between.  Various members experience different timing, and it can change with stress levels, life events, etc.  What's the timing like in your relationship?

RC
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Icopewithmusic

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 8


« Reply #10 on: November 12, 2019, 06:22:52 PM »

A rage episode lasts for hours not days. Or a full day at the most. It comes out of nowhere and it could be from putting the dishes away in the wrong spot or cleaning the bathroom. Often it comes from trying to do good.
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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #11 on: November 13, 2019, 02:51:49 PM »

How do the rage episodes end?  How does she behave afterward?  How long between episodes?  Sorry for all the questions, the details of our pwBPD's patterns can be very helpful in thinking about how to cope with things in the best way.

RC
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Icopewithmusic

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 8


« Reply #12 on: November 14, 2019, 06:32:19 AM »

They can last anywhere from a few minutes to a full day. They end with her yelling whatever point she is trying to make and often with a dig on my parenting skills for example or lack of according to her. Or telling me to get out of the house, or they often end with a f you statement. She then turns it off like a faucet and generally goes back to watching TV. She has a lot of shows recorded and will shut everyone off and the situations she creates in watching these shows. These used to happen several times a week on a smaller scale. Over the last 3 years or so I can tell she is working on improving, but when they happen now, maybe twice a month they are more intense and feel more focused on creating more pain for whomever it is directed to. The kind of help she is getting isn't the right kind of help, and I try to encourage a better path. She has only been to 2 therapy appointments in the past. She sees our family doctor to talk to him about being depressed and leaves with anti depressants. She does some self help on the internet but not for anger issues. As we talk through this lastest episode she revealed to me she had been researching me being nice as a way of manipulating people. You heard that right, I am a gentle natured person. I rarely get mad or upset and I truly believe people deserve to be treated with love and respect, not to manipulate them, but because I believe that is part of what life is about. When she told me this and I explained my feelings to her it seemed to sink in for the first time I think. She has an appointment set for the 22nd. A huge test happened last night. Our adult daughter is having trouble with her boyfriend...verbally abusive and she is going to the local women's shelter. I offered my daughter to stay with us, which she declined (her relationship with her mother is still strained). I told my wife about this after work and to my surprise she was loving and supportive. Normally, this would've been a trigger and she would have raged demanding me to go get my daughter, beat up her boyfriend, force her out of the situation because we know better than she does and if I resist and explain my stance, she would call me a bad parent, maybe tell me I don't care. We are Lighthouses, the people in our lives are Ships. Our job is to guide the Ship to shore. The Ship has its own responsibility to get there. (I got that from walking on Eggshells). It is early, and for now she seems interested in getting help, but we have a long, long way to go.
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Radcliff
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Posts: 3377


Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #13 on: November 18, 2019, 12:11:00 AM »

Thanks for the detail on the rage episodes.  How do things go in the two week periods between rage episodes?  Can you give some detail on those times?

Have you heard about dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT)?

RC
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Icopewithmusic

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 8


« Reply #14 on: November 21, 2019, 10:36:27 PM »

I have heard of DBT and feel like this is something she could benefit from. In between the episodes, things are normal for the most part. We laugh and love each other. We go out to eat or to the movies. She seems to act like she never had a rage episode.
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GoldenBubble

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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #15 on: November 22, 2019, 04:44:39 AM »

Hi.  What a terrible trial you have been through.  It's so frustrating that if our partners do go for help they are misdiagnosed with something less serious.  My H husband is CLEARLY  borderline but was diagnosed with anxiety with narcissistic features.  What?  Is that code for borderline?  So now my H thinks he is "cured" because he was taught a couple of anxiety-reducing exercises.  He quit therapy after half a dozen sessions.  He is on Day 5 of his latest "lost weekend" in a seedy motel and no contact with me.  It doesn't seem if he has any plan to return home. 

Cured?

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Radcliff
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Fond memories, fella.


« Reply #16 on: December 03, 2019, 04:37:55 PM »

That's great that you are able to love each other and enjoy the relationship during the calm intervals between rages.  While it's tempting to simply relax and enjoy these calm times, they are also the best opportunity to work on the relationship.  How was your Thanksgiving holiday?

RC
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