Intimacy has been completely lost- how to get it back?

[Silverstars]

Hello everyone,

I have a question about my relationship with my fiance and I'll make this as short and sweet as I can. Backstory: we have been dating for just over 2 1/2 years, known each other for about 10 years and have lived together for about 2 years as well so far.

I used to have high-self esteem and at the beginning of the relationship, I always initiated sex and I initiated it often. My fiance has BPD (I do not) and we've been through A LOT in the past few years. Within the past year, especially, I feel like my self-esteem has gone from an 8/10 to a 2/10, if not a 1/10. I don't blame this entirely on the BPD and BPD episodes but this has had a huge impact on my self-esteem. I stopped taking care of myself completely as well and I never feel sexy/ I always feel disgusting.

My fiance has also been very depressed, has very low self-esteem (never initiates sex and never has), only feels validated by me coming on to her...so now she never feels validated because I never do anymore. Also significant is the fact that she had some very horrible impulsive/ promiscuous/ bad experiences of a sexual nature just prior to us dating so this made her want sex even less in our relationship. Every time we've had sex thus far, she usually feels nothing but shame afterwards.

At the beginning of our relationship, we were intimate/ touchy, etc. all the things that one would expect during the honeymoon period. Then lately (within the past 6 months) everything has dwindled to a halt. We still spend quality time together, but we rarely leave the house (she is disinterested in doing any activities). She is incredibly depressed and admits that all of her walls are up. At the same time, she is saying that she doesn't feel right in our relationship because we don't have sex or make-out anymore and she keeps saying that she "needs" it to move forward with our relationship.

I feel sexually attracted to her and I have no concerns in that respect. With my self-esteem and hers being so low and with her always being depressed/ having all of her walls up, I never get in the mood. Not helping the situation is the stress that I've felt lately with having an aging father who isn't going to be around much longer, the fact that my fiance and I moved across country just 2 months ago for me to go to graduate school for 2 years (we have no family or friends here) and the numerous other stressors in our lives (as everyone has).

So here we are- time keeps going by and more and more time passes without us having sex/ feeling sparks etc. and I want to know if anyone has ever felt like they have been in the same boat and I also want to know what our first step should be in bettering our relationship because it's going to crumble if we keep going the same way.

Thank you so incredibly much in advance.

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[Radcliff]

Wow, it does seem like you've both been through a lot.  Stress can be a huge impediment to sex.  Just to make sure I'm understanding correctly, you both want sex in your relationship, but are both feeling different obstacles to it?

RC

[Silverstars]

Thank you so much for replying, it means a lot.
On my end, I love her and I am attracted to her and am still sexually interested in her- my libido is just incredibly low now because of all the obstacles I mentioned.

On her end, she says shes attracted to me and is still sexually interested in me...her libido is also low but she says she needs "SOMETHING" (aka, needs me to initiate sex ONCE in a while at least) regardless of all the obstacles.
Her libido has always been low but she says I help her overcome obstacles when I come on to her...so the main issue is that I've stopped initiation.

[Radcliff]

Got it, thanks for explaining.  Believe it or not, there's good news there.  It's a super tough spot to be in to have your self esteem crash, but coming back from that is not as tough of a problem as trying to change someone else.  Things may feel pretty daunting, but I can say from experience that it's doable.  It takes time, support, and a belief, however faint, that things can get back to better again.

Can you tell us a bit more about the challenges you have in front of you?  Can you tell us about the grad school program?  How are you feeling about it?

RC

[khibomsis]

Silverstars, you don't have to go from 0-100 at one go. Are you still affectionate? Do you hug and kiss regularly? Do you take timeout to dance to a slow love song?

It is important to think around sources of conflict also in a relationship, since these can often reduce desire. It is hard for both to co-exist. I find when my uBPDgf rages that it will take us days, sometimes weeks, to get back to a point where intimacy is even possible. This thought fuels my work in reducing conflict levels generally, resolving conflict when I can and keeping it low key when I can't.  What I have been thinking lately is maybe we need some kind of post-dysregulation routine that will help us get back to an even keel. Sex is intimately linked to trust and conflict tends to erode these. Even things like massages and headrubs are important in creating a sense of intimacy.
I am sorry to hear about your father! Just a head's up: grief makes us selfish sometimes. I almost lost my relationship while sunk in mourning for my dad, and brought it back only by trying hard to bring my beloved into my grief instead of shutting her out. It can be hard with BPD because they are so used to being the focus of our attention, and will resent when life crises distract us. Is your communication good otherwise? Are you able to talk about this, do you think?