Trying to shake the funk

[formflier]

I've had a chance to spend a few days in my hometown (about 8 hours away from home) and while I got to see a bunch of people and get things done that needed to be done, I seem to feel "heavy" rather than "recharged"

Typically my trips down here are a source of strength and renewal.

The main purpose of the trip was to attend a funeral, so I'm guessing that has a lot to do with it.

The funeral was really a celebration of his life and he did lead a big full life and passed away at 70.  He was a larger than life character and I can't remember a time when he wasn't around church and town.

I suppose another thing that's on my mind is finding a church home for my family.  We've visited several places and there is one that I like, but nothing has really "grabbed my attention" just yet.

I can typically "think through" my moods and figure out what's bugging me and then figure out a way to address it.  At the moment there just seem like a lot of candidates out there for "the reason". 

Gotta shake this and get on the road back home.  I can usually so some productive thinking on long drives. 

Here's to hoping things look better after a drive.

Best,

FF

[Red5]

Safe travels Formflier, give us a good debrief when you make it to homeplate!

Red5

[Fian]

Hi FF, why are you looking for a church home?  Last I heard you had a church, although you had concerns about its leadership.

[Enabler]

Are you envious of the guys life, wonder what is happening with your own? Feel that you're on a bit of a treadmill maybe?

This may not be a BPD situation but the constraint of having to be on guard and restrained with regards to what you say does lead to fatigue... nothing is as simple as it should be.

Enjoy the drive

Enabler

[formflier]

Trip back was pretty good.  I was able to stop and have a long dinner with my oldest son (away at grad school).

That was a wonderful time and mostly got me out of my funk.

I got in during the middle of the night so didn't get a "full" nights sleep.  Hopefully a full night's sleep tonight will solidly put me on a "non funk" path.

New church home:  Yeah...I finally had to deal directly with leadership.  They did not want to follow the "dispute resolution" procedures that they preach from the pulpit.  That was pretty much the end of things. 
 
What started out as something they could fairly easily deal with turned odd when there was dishonesty on their part. 

Best,

FF

[Skip]

Funerals are sobering. The magnitude of the end of life is incomprehensible to many of us. Funerals bring is face forward with our own immortality.

It all may be hitting you harder because you buffer is already depleted over the church issue.

Hang in there, man.

[secretgirl]

Hi FF.

Death , from my own experience, also goes through stages of denial , anger, acceptance.
You can process some feelings but processing those of death I feel is much different than a pwbpd-associated feelings...

I lost both my parents at a relatively young age in a shocking way.  it was the weirdest thing ever , let me tell you.
I cried next to their bodies for so long wishing they’d just “wake up” they looked like they were only sleeping ... until you realize the cold sets in and rigor mortis...
then I think I cried for a couple months almost every day to the point where my eyes were puffy all the time . I looked like a zombie with severe allergies. Lol

My point being , its unlike anything we will ever experience. It’s in its own separate box. I think “just let it come as it comes” would be a good way of responding to your message. Feel the feelings you feel. Even to this day, I cry and my brain , although has reached a point of acceptance (a year and a bit later now), is still in denial.
I think our brains go into self preservation mode a bit.
“Oh they’re on vacation, they’ll come back one day.”

Just hang in there. It always always gets better and you know this from your own experiences. Always hit rock bottom before going up.
But we are here for you.

I feel praying (your mention of a church) or talking to a spirit helps immensely from my POV. I still talk to my parents’ spirits time to time. It makes me feel like they’re always there, no matter what. Finding a church may be a good idea. Or simply just praying at home.

[GaGrl]

The contemplation of one's own mortality as well as acceptance of a parent passing is tied right now -- for me -- with retirement and the exploration of purpose. My sense of purpose is not what it once was...so how do I explore a new sense of purpose in what I do now, and who I am now? Have I really changed (hint...no) but the form of "me" and how I show up now looks very different. I "talk" to my dad (deceased for four years) because he is connected strongly in my life with Purpose. And my 93 year old mother is in my card and is not very inclined to spend contemplative time regarding Death.

My husband has an interesting take on this. Being career military, he accepted that early death was a possibility. After a 30 year active/reserve career, that was no longer a possibility, so now now does he define Purpose?

Bottom line, these periods do look and feel like a slight depression, but I think they signal a need for spiritual search and reexamination.

[FaithHopeLove]

Having been through the whole needing to find another church thing myself I can say that grief is a huge part of the process particularly in situations like yours. Do you think perhaps the funeral touched off the church grief?

[formflier]

Much better this morning.  Outlook has improved.

Two nights in a row of pretty good sleep!

Last night had a really good "date night" and went to see Motherless Brooklyn.  Really good movie and it was one of those nights you would never have guessed there ever was anything amiss between my wife and I.

Yesterday was also my weekly session with my T.  We about my funk and especially the difference it made to have dinner with my oldest son.

Her biggest observation was funerals are about the past and children are about the future.

Doing my ESTJ thing...I of course am "thinking through" all the reasons why this particular man that passed away was important to me.  I'll be back later and try to work through some of that here.

I so appreciate you guys being here.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

I'm going to agree that the funeral touched off church grief, to go on top of normal grief for someone close.

There was much to like about my "old church" up here, but the issues I had with leadership meant there was no way I would ever join until resolved.  They have no interest in resolving so I've been visiting other churches.

Luckily there are two I would like to go back and visit again and I suspect either one of them are a place I could stick around for a while.  (going to listen to old sermons some this week to try and break the "tie" of which one to go back to).

Oh..and neither one of those churches are Baptist.  There are many flavors of Baptist and the closest that matches me is about an hour away.  So...I've bee trying out other denominations (was really weird at first).

Anyway, I miss the church I grew up in.  I've also lived "back home" twice as an adult and been a part of that church as an adult (in addition to many visits back home when I lived other places)

While I miss that church, there is also no doubt that the move 8 hours away is still the best thing for my family, so no real option on the table to go back.  

Plus the guy that passed away was someone I looked up to.  He wasn't afraid to take a stand for right/wrong and clearly lay out his reasons/how the spirit was leading him.  

He was the driving force (chair of deacons at the time) in breaking away from Southern Baptist Convention when things go weird with them.  

On top of all this I've been really hitting physical therapy and exercises/stretches really really hard.  My range of motion is increasing but several joints and the soft tissue around are "grumpy" at being messed with.

So I'm getting lots more "swings" in pain.   For instance, a low pain afternoon/evening followed by having to get up in middle of night to take hot shower and stretch out, before being able to go back to sleep.

So...no much in the way of "reserves".

Anyway..it's helpful for me to try to organize all this and type it out.  I have physical therapy in about 45 minutes.

Oddly enough I'm starting to wonder if most of my problems are shoulder and not so much back.   The connection points under my left shoulder (just below armpit) and however that connects to mid back are currently the worst and what woke me up last night.

Just gotta keep moving forward!

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Just got back from physical therapy.  I'm so thankful that I've found a good match.  The prior therapist (up until a few weeks ago) was great at showing me exercises but that was the limit of her practice.

She handed me off to this one that mostly does Craniosacral therapy. 

She also will very slowly manipulate joints in my spine.  Today is the first day in a long time that I have full range of motion without any "catches" or clicks.  She got something moving in my neck and in my back between my shoulder blades.

My guess is it will hold a few days before coming out again, but should go back in easier next time. 

Goal is to get it mobile enough so I can foam roller it back in at home.

She also showed me several new stretches so I can't "cheat" with my low back.



Very hopeful.

Best,

FF

[Fian]

How is your family handling the church move?

[formflier]

How is your family handling the church move?

Much better than I thought they would.

They still do some social things at the "old church" (like Wed. night get togethers) but those connections are winding down..but will likely be connected at some level (due to personal relationships) for a long time.

The younger kids are actually super excited about it.  I think the class sizes at both of the new churches we are considering are smaller and they really like that.

We visited several other churches that were "fine" and I think we are at the point to go to one of them a second time.

Oh...the last one we went to my wife was super positive about.  They did an "alter call" at the end and she went up to pray for a bit.  It's been over 10 years (maybe longer) since she has been to a church that did that practice.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Taking the relaxer was a good move.  I suspect I have several more nights of this.

I was actually feeling so good before bed that I considered not taking it...glad I did.

About 2 or 3 I woke up and was really tight.  However, stretching out wasn't painful.  I suspect the relaxers played a part in this.

My left shoulder is the one with the issue, so laying on my back or right side (without letting my left shoulder droop in front) seems to be best.

Last night I got a bit over 6 hours total decent sleep (according to CPAP).  The night prior I was barely over 4.  So...feeling a bit better, but normally I need closer to 8 to feel "normal".

I ordered that pain free book.  Should have it tomorrow.  Many therapists have commented on my posture, so I'm sure there is lots of work to do there.

Best,

FF