Can't move on, can't cope with myself after breaking up with my exBPD/NPD gf

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My story was going to be way longer, complicated and would probably be boring one to anyone else besides me. So I'm just going to cut the chase and share the most recent events with you;

I'm about 2 weeks after a breakup with my exBPD/NPD(also bipolar) gf, she was lying to me about lots of important things and didn't care about her own promises of being honest after we've had a conversation or two about her lies. Not to mention her feelings which I still am not sure if they were true or not and if I was only a temporal toy for her. I went all in into this relationship, gave her almost all I had and did all I could to support her, be there for her and I was blinded by love, by that strange addiction (which I found is a common thing in BPD relationships, the toxic and abusive ones I mean - every person and relationship is different, but there are still some similarities in such abusive and toxic relationships like making non BPD partner unhealthily attached, just like being drugged). She did everything she could just to make me feel that I was being loved, supported and cared about. Telling how much she loves me, that I'm the best, the one and only she feels truly good with and so on.

The most painful moment for me was when one day I found that that she was cheating on me, talking with and idealizing (almost the same way she did to me) her ex bf (also comparing him to me, making her imaginary ideal bf with my body mixed with his 'submissive' character) and also talking about me behind my back to him, complaining about me. He then started insulting me behind my back and trying to manipulate her (he of course did not anything when he had a chance irl). The same guy she was talking very bad and sharing private things about his life after they broke up, making him a 'monster', showing some screenshots of their fights, his attitude towards her and things he told her. They had rough time back then (she cheated on him 3 times and he only knows maybe about 1 and the lightest case, I got to know about everything after I broke up with her, I just started digging and didn't have to go deep). What's important, sometime in the past, she's lied to me that she's not with her ex anymore, but she stil was and she was 'undecided' (even though she's started a relationship with me) and wanted to have a last try with him whilst also being with me. That moment I should've left her and don't come back, but she somehow managed to win some of my trust back and finally broke up with him, block any contact etc. (at least for some time).

It all started about two weeks before I finally ended it. I started having a feeling and noticing her acting strange, hiding with her phone, turning her back to me when we were in bed and writing, closing chat windows almost immediately the moment she's heard I was getting close or trying to look at her phone, having many different excuses like that I don't trust her, that she needs to stay at work late and so on. It all started after we've had a conversation about some of her other lies. She had to 'vent' once and make herself feel better and sent him a message (not telling me about it) when she had her anxiety/dissociation attack, instead of telling me what's going on inside her head. When I found out that they were exchaning a couple of messages, she told me in her defence that it was the last one, that she needed to explain something to him, say the last goodbye then blocked him everywhere. I couldn't stand it any longer and started looking for answers. She didn't have him blocked and she was also deleting every conversation with him on Facebook and every message, and when I asked her about him, she would tell me that they weren't talking, asking why would she want to talk to him, showing me an empty chat window everytime.

The same day I broke up with her I found out that she hadn't logged out of her Facebook earlier, so I took the opportunity and got to know everything. After an hour or so of my many discoveries (her talking about everything to her friend, showing conversations of her and her ex, confirming that she was lying to me all that time, braggin about it, telling her about him, about her feelings and about their 'meetings' - there was nothing about her feelings like love towards me there, but there was only doubt, complaints and things like 'I'd want him to act like my ex, I miss this and that') the same moment I finished reading everything their chat window popped out. They started a conversation, she was flirting with him, teasing him, they were making their plans about meeting the same day I broke up with her and on the next day and so on. She somehow managed to get to know that I was reading it (maybe a notification idc) as she cut off the session from the laptop I was using the moment it was going even 'hotter'. The same time she was leading her second life, she was trying to act normally, hiding everything, telling that she loves me, showing it also in many different ways.

That day when I started confronting her with facts, photos and screenshots she tried defending herself with many different lies, like that she was threatend, that her ex was also threatening me (yet, she didn't tell me about it, but on the other hand she was stressing out how much she loves me). There wasn't even a single mention about it in her conversations with her friend. She responded that she's told her everything irl or on the phone and she doesn't have a proof. So I said 'call her' and let her explain it to me, she didn't do it as she would need time to tell that girl to confirm everything before I confronted her. The one and only true thing she said was that her conversations with her ex looked even worse than the one I was reading and after seeing them I would break up with her immediately (that's for sure). She's told me that it was a mistake, that she was going to tell me about it, that she needs to finally start a proper therapy and that her pills might be too weak for her (diagnosed with BPD and thinking that only taking pills would help her, even her psychiatrist kept on telling her that she needs to start a proper therapy immediately - at least she's told me that), and that she's finished with him the same day, but after cutting me off from seeing their conversation. I told her 'go and send him a message then, make him send you all of your conversations and then end it if you really love me and care about me as you're trying to show', and she didn't. She started crying, had crying jags, she was telling me how much she loves me. Yet, she didn't do anything I aked her to. She also ran to the bathroom and cut herself, but not to kill her, she knew exactly what to do to make it look bloody and don't kill her or make any serious injuries to herself. It looked like it was her last resort to have me beside her, hoping that I'd say that I frogive her and all.

As you can all image, I became the 'monster' who left her, hurt her and used her. She started using many different ways to hurt me and is still trying to do so. Her love, affection and everything almost immediatly disappeared the day after we broke up. There was no calls, no apologies and asking me to come back, no regrets or remorse, only hatered in her Facebook posts and messages she started sending to our mutual friends (I screen capped her conversations with her ex and friend just in case to confirm and show the truth if anyone believing in her lies wanted to confront me), of course lying about why I broke up with her and not telling the truth to them. Some days after I got a confirmation that she's cheated on her ex at least 3 times with 3 different guys I know, she didn't tell any single one of them that she's taken back then of course. She's doing her best to show me she's great, she's better off without me, bragging about spending time with her ex (or maybe not just ex now). When I saw them a few days ago at a concert, she was acting like she wanted me to see she's teasing him, rubbing her ass on him, she was laughing louder and talking louder everytime she saw me, but I ignored everything (or was trying to). She's also on Tinder and she started meeting with another guy I know (he's a friend of my friend) - making him her 'sex friend', idealizing him, liking his posts etc. Everything whilst being in a relationship with her ex/current boyfriend now.

Just to clarify (this is another, probably the 4th she's cheated on her ex/current bf). This is also the guy she considered having in her 'support' group when she was talking with her friend, making her emergency plans telling her that's he's her type, he's sexy etc. They were talking when we were still together and she was hiding it, when confronted, she denied everything and showed me some of their conversations, trying to confirm that he's only a guy she's talking to, nothing more, that he's ugly, not her type and she was just laughing about him to her. One day he offered her to come to his place, have a drink and have some fun, I was sitting near her back then and saw it, I waited for her response and what's strange I needed to tell her that she should know the answer. At first, she preferred just to ignore him, but then she denied his offer and showed me her response and from that moment she stopped talking with him. A day after we broke up she's contacted him again from what I know, but don't know anything more besides that they're liking their posts (hearts), photos and such (and I think I'd rather not know anything more).

I don't know how to cope with everything, with myself, my life...After breaking up with her I started having negative, suicidal thoughts and I even had 2 attempts (one with cutting myself and the second with trying to overdose my pills) - (starting my own therapy this week). However, when I started putting all the pieces together, I started feeling better, thanks to her posts and behavior. I started feeling like she was lying to me all the time and made me only her toy because she's so toxic, narcissistic and dead inside. It makes it easier for me to put myself back together.
Should I let that guy (her ex) know about everything she did to me and him in the past, and what she's currently doing behind his back or just watch and wait for it all to burn and wait for the karma to step in? He's probably in that vicious circle right now where I was (but he's in there for the second time in his relationship history with her), but on the other hand he got what he deserved, he knew she's taken and wanted to win her back, trying to manipulate or talk sh...behind my back at me. Should I take some revenge or ignore her? What's the best way to deal in such situation with this type of a person?

[Arthas124]

My story was going to be way longer, complicated and would probably be boring one to anyone else besides me. So I'm just going to cut the chase and share the most recent events with you;

I'm about 2 weeks after a breakup with my exBPD/NPD(also bipolar) gf, she was lying to me about lots of important things and didn't care about her own promises of being honest after we've had a conversation or two about her lies. Not to mention her feelings which I still am not sure if they were true or not and if I was only a temporal toy for her. I went all in into this relationship, gave her almost all I had and did all I could to support her, be there for her and I was blinded by love, by that strange addiction (which I found is a common thing in BPD relationships, the toxic and abusive ones I mean - every person and relationship is different, but there are still some similarities in such abusive and toxic relationships like making non BPD partner unhealthily attached, just like being drugged). She did everything she could just to make me feel that I was being loved, supported and cared about. Telling how much she loves me, that I'm the best, the one and only she feels truly good with and so on.

The most painful moment for me was when one day I found that that she was cheating on me, talking with and idealizing (almost the same way she did to me) her ex bf (also comparing him to me, making her imaginary ideal bf with my body mixed with his 'submissive' character) and also talking about me behind my back to him, complaining about me. He then started insulting me behind my back and trying to manipulate her (he of course did not anything when he had a chance irl). The same guy she was talking very bad and sharing private things about his life after they broke up, making him a 'monster', showing some screenshots of their fights, his attitude towards her and things he told her. They had rough time back then (she cheated on him 3 times and he only knows maybe about 1 and the lightest case, I got to know about everything after I broke up with her, I just started digging and didn't have to go deep). What's important, sometime in the past, she's lied to me that she's not with her ex anymore, but she stil was and she was 'undecided' (even though she's started a relationship with me) and wanted to have a last try with him whilst also being with me. That moment I should've left her and don't come back, but she somehow managed to win some of my trust back and finally broke up with him, block any contact etc. (at least for some time).

It all started about two weeks before I finally ended it. I started having a feeling and noticing her acting strange, hiding with her phone, turning her back to me when we were in bed and writing, closing chat windows almost immediately the moment she's heard I was getting close or trying to look at her phone, having many different excuses like that I don't trust her, that she needs to stay at work late and so on. It all started after we've had a conversation about some of her other lies. She had to 'vent' once and make herself feel better and sent him a message (not telling me about it) when she had her anxiety/dissociation attack, instead of telling me what's going on inside her head. When I found out that they were exchaning a couple of messages, she told me in her defence that it was the last one, that she needed to explain something to him, say the last goodbye then blocked him everywhere. I couldn't stand it any longer and started looking for answers. She didn't have him blocked and she was also deleting every conversation with him on Facebook and every message, and when I asked her about him, she would tell me that they weren't talking, asking why would she want to talk to him, showing me an empty chat window everytime.

The same day I broke up with her I found out that she hadn't logged out of her Facebook earlier, so I took the opportunity and got to know everything. After an hour or so of my many discoveries (her talking about everything to her friend, showing conversations of her and her ex, confirming that she was lying to me all that time, braggin about it, telling her about him, about her feelings and about their 'meetings' - there was nothing about her feelings like love towards me there, but there was only doubt, complaints and things like 'I'd want him to act like my ex, I miss this and that') the same moment I finished reading everything their chat window popped out. They started a conversation, she was flirting with him, teasing him, they were making their plans about meeting the same day I broke up with her and on the next day and so on. She somehow managed to get to know that I was reading it (maybe a notification idc) as she cut off the session from the laptop I was using the moment it was going even 'hotter'. The same time she was leading her second life, she was trying to act normally, hiding everything, telling that she loves me, showing it also in many different ways.

That day when I started confronting her with facts, photos and screenshots she tried defending herself with many different lies, like that she was threatend, that her ex was also threatening me (yet, she didn't tell me about it, but on the other hand she was stressing out how much she loves me). There wasn't even a single mention about it in her conversations with her friend. She responded that she's told her everything irl or on the phone and she doesn't have a proof. So I said 'call her' and let her explain it to me, she didn't do it as she would need time to tell that girl to confirm everything before I confronted her. The one and only true thing she said was that her conversations with her ex looked even worse than the one I was reading and after seeing them I would break up with her immediately (that's for sure). She's told me that it was a mistake, that she was going to tell me about it, that she needs to finally start a proper therapy and that her pills might be too weak for her (diagnosed with BPD and thinking that only taking pills would help her, even her psychiatrist kept on telling her that she needs to start a proper therapy immediately - at least she's told me that), and that she's finished with him the same day, but after cutting me off from seeing their conversation. I told her 'go and send him a message then, make him send you all of your conversations and then end it if you really love me and care about me as you're trying to show', and she didn't. She started crying, had crying jags, she was telling me how much she loves me. Yet, she didn't do anything I aked her to. She also ran to the bathroom and cut herself, but not to kill her, she knew exactly what to do to make it look bloody and don't kill her or make any serious injuries to herself. It looked like it was her last resort to have me beside her, hoping that I'd say that I frogive her and all.

As you can all image, I became the 'monster' who left her, hurt her and used her. She started using many different ways to hurt me and is still trying to do so. Her love, affection and everything almost immediatly disappeared the day after we broke up. There was no calls, no apologies and asking me to come back, no regrets or remorse, only hatered in her Facebook posts and messages she started sending to our mutual friends (I screen capped her conversations with her ex and friend just in case to confirm and show the truth if anyone believing in her lies wanted to confront me), of course lying about why I broke up with her and not telling the truth to them. Some days after I got a confirmation that she's cheated on her ex at least 3 times with 3 different guys I know, she didn't tell any single one of them that she's taken back then of course. She's doing her best to show me she's great, she's better off without me, bragging about spending time with her ex (or maybe not just ex now). When I saw them a few days ago at a concert, she was acting like she wanted me to see she's teasing him, rubbing her ass on him, she was laughing louder and talking louder everytime she saw me, but I ignored everything (or was trying to). She's also on Tinder and she started meeting with another guy I know (he's a friend of my friend) - making him her 'sex friend', idealizing him, liking his posts etc. Everything whilst being in a relationship with her ex/current boyfriend now.

Just to clarify (this is another, probably the 4th she's cheated on her ex/current bf). This is also the guy she considered having in her 'support' group when she was talking with her friend, making her emergency plans telling her that's he's her type, he's sexy etc. They were talking when we were still together and she was hiding it, when confronted, she denied everything and showed me some of their conversations, trying to confirm that he's only a guy she's talking to, nothing more, that he's ugly, not her type and she was just laughing about him to her. One day he offered her to come to his place, have a drink and have some fun, I was sitting near her back then and saw it, I waited for her response and what's strange I needed to tell her that she should know the answer. At first, she preferred just to ignore him, but then she denied his offer and showed me her response and from that moment she stopped talking with him. A day after we broke up she's contacted him again from what I know, but don't know anything more besides that they're liking their posts (hearts), photos and such (and I think I'd rather not know anything more).

I don't know how to cope with everything, with myself, my life...After breaking up with her I started having negative, suicidal thoughts and I even had 2 attempts (one with cutting myself and the second with trying to overdose my pills) - (starting my own therapy this week). However, when I started putting all the pieces together, I started feeling better, thanks to her posts and behavior. I started feeling like she was lying to me all the time and made me only her toy because she's so toxic, narcissistic and dead inside. It makes it easier for me to put myself back together.
Should I let that guy (her ex) know about everything she did to me and him in the past, and what she's currently doing behind his back or just watch and wait for it all to burn and wait for the karma to step in? He's probably in that vicious circle right now where I was (but he's in there for the second time in his relationship history with her), but on the other hand he got what he deserved, he knew she's taken and wanted to win her back, trying to manipulate or talk sh...behind my back at me. Should I take some revenge or ignore her? What's the best way to deal in such situation with this type of a person?

[hmf2234]

Hey man, I'm sorry to see you going through all of that, I know how tough and absolutely painful it is... but thankfully you had enough sense to leave her, something I didn't have the balls to do until I was eventually discarded which absolutely shattered me.

You are only 2 weeks out, everything is still fresh and moving on takes TIME, and a lot of it! At this point it is absolutely imperative that you stop any form of contact with her immediately! If you want to suffer and have your emotions played with, do what I did and respond to every single one of her H-o-o-ver maneuvers. Don't be me, don't hold out hope that you may get back together and that she will magically change, she will not. This resulted in 8 months of absolute agony, nonstop push pull that was agonizing and drove me into a depression like I have never experienced before. If you want to move on, it will take time but you have to fall off the face of the planet so to speak.

Start NC immediately! it will not be easy, it will be painful, you will long for her, you will want to hear from her, you will want to hear her voice, but you must be strong and ignore any attempt of hers to contact you! The first two months of NC for me were probably the most difficult thing I ever had to experience mentally. IT WAS NOT EASY! Be patient, it takes time, and two weeks isn't remotely enough time for you to be over anyone you had true feelings for!

The lies, the manipulation, its all extremely toxic and you deserve better! We've all been there, the lies about lying to cover up the lies they lied about... its a never ending pit of misery, a rabbit hole you do not need to go into anymore! Burry that rabbit hole, throw cement in there and never look back. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but this tunnel can be very long. Stay strong, keep your head up, We are here for you brother.

[Rev]

Should I take some revenge or ignore her? What's the best way to deal in such situation with this type of a person?

Hello my friend,

And I call you friend, because if you are here, it's because like all of us, you've been really blind sided.  This site is a really cool place with lots of people who care because they've been there.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. And I say "happened" because it took me weeks to understand that I didn't actually do anything to cause nor deserve the treatment I received.  You didn't do anything either.  You got caught with the misfortune of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. You have suffered a trauma.

So... I am really really glad you reached out here.

Please bring these questions to your therapist.  And give yourself some time to settle in your body, mind and soul. These three need to recover from the shock of the trauma before you decide to do anything. Just judging from the intensity of what you write, you suffered a real heavy shock.  It may take a few weeks for the shock to wear off.

In the meantime - don't do anything.

What worked for me was I had two close friends that I asked to hold me accountable so that even though I was really, really angry - that I not do anything about the anger except go for walks, the gym, anything. I stayed off of booze for the most part for several days.  Or I limited myself to one or two drinks.

Hope this helps.

You can do this. Nobody deserves to be abused like this. You  can do this. And one day, you'll be in my place telling the next person the exact same thing that I'm telling you.

With much friendship,

Rev

[jinglebells1989]

Think about this logically,OP.

There's not a single guy who shouldn't feel like a fool here. Noone is "winning" with her. Nonone wins with a BPD. The only way you win is by establishing boundaries, in your case going NC forever. But even that is a clown prize. You don't ever win with a cluster b. They don't even respect themselves, so how are they going to respect anyone else?

When I broke up with the BPD I dated she immediately went after the biggest nerd I've ever met. The complete opposite of me. I'm 6'2'', lift weights, have my own car and my own place in LA. This kid she went after lived at home with his parents, had acne, was short and scrawny (like 5'6'' maybe) and was 5 years younger than she and I. But It didn't matter. she needed someone to rub in my face and he was the easiest target. Now I'll admit, this drove me crazy for a few months. Now, in hindsight, I look back on it as a totally pathetic attempt on her part to f*ck with my head. He become so obsessed with her that he started slacking off at work and eventually got fired. She couldn't have cared less. In fact, 3 days after he got fired, this idiot showed up at our office at noon and took her out to lunch. Totally pathetic.

But it's informative. Cluster Bs use men. Some men they use for sex others they use for money others for gifts and others for emotional support. When you've outlived your usefulness they move on as if nothing ever happened. Nonone wins. Especially not the cluster B. Their lives are absoultely miserable which is why they act like this in the first place. Don't envy them or wish you were with them anymore. They are empty, manipulative black holes of nothing that will destroy anyone who spends a significant amount of time with them. And they'll do this until the day they die or until they commit suicide.

[Arthas124]

Update #1:
I started using Tinder just to have some fun at swiping left/right, and guess who did I see there today? HER. She's in that toxic relationship with her ex bf whilst being on Tinder. Either he doesn't know about another thing - this, he agrees to anything if she doesn't leave him or they're in an open relationship (least likely to happen). Her tags also reappeared on his photos from the past. She deleted all the tags from their photos when they were finally breaking up (the time she did it for real back then). I think she still wants to irritate me, play with my mind and she knows that someone will see it and report it to me. I also asked my friends today not to report anything about her to me and to do nothing with her, just ignore and tell me about something only if some really bad things happen. Just for fun, and believe me, I don't have any sort of thoughts to contact her (or I want to think this way), I swiped her right. And guess what? She did the same to me. She's now at my Tinder list, but hopefully she won't write to me. I don't have her profile blocked on Facebook too, she's either uploading some things which can possibly stir in heads of our mutual friends who doesn't know the truth or uploading some songs with lyrics that are aimed directly at me - some about love, some about how much she's in pain and suffering or how much she wants to kill me and wish me worst.
I know everything not from stalking her, but from my friends reporting me all these things, which is why I told them to stop it.

[Plucky1980]

Hey man, I'm sorry to see you going through all of that, I know how tough and absolutely painful it is... but thankfully you had enough sense to leave her, something I didn't have the balls to do until I was eventually discarded which absolutely shattered me.

That's exactly how I felt too. I didn't have the strength to leave her when I should. In hindsight I had plenty of opportunities to just stay away, after she kept discarding me, or wanting to break up.

You feel like such a fool afterwards. Weak, and pathetic. So hard to get over.