When Can You Not Ignore the Defamation

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Hi All,

It's been a bit since I last posted. My full story (if you're interested) is here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337603.msg13060997

Short synopsis - 4.5 year relationship, ended in January, she smear campaigned and then over the summer sent a lawyer after me under false accusations. Her lawyer admitted she had obvious mental issues, and I sent a letter asking her and her family to leave me alone. I thought it was over there.

Then last night I'm out with an old colleague, and she told me that my old boss (who my ex and I both worked for) "warned" her about me, stating that I have "serious mental issues and my ex had to get a restraining order against me after I followed her to NY."

So now I'm at a conundrum. Normally I'd just ignore it, but now that it's bleeding into my work circle, I don't know what to do. I want it to stop - but I don't want contact with her. I've thought about sending a very dry email to her, asking her to stop slandering me - but it's literally like trying to rationalize with a kid with psychosis.

Any advice? How has anyone else dealt with similar situations?

[gizmo7247]

Hi All,

It's been a bit since I last posted. My full story (if you're interested) is here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337603.msg13060997

Short synopsis - 4.5 year relationship, ended in January, she smear campaigned and then over the summer sent a lawyer after me under false accusations. Her lawyer admitted she had obvious mental issues, and I sent a letter asking her and her family to leave me alone. I thought it was over there.

Then last night I'm out with an old colleague, and she told me that my old boss (who my ex and I both worked for) "warned" her about me, stating that I have "serious mental issues and my ex had to get a restraining order against me after I followed her to NY."

So now I'm at a conundrum. Normally I'd just ignore it, but now that it's bleeding into my work circle, I don't know what to do. I want it to stop - but I don't want contact with her. I've thought about sending a very dry email to her, asking her to stop slandering me - but it's literally like trying to rationalize with a kid with psychosis.

Any advice? How has anyone else dealt with similar situations?

[Mutt]

Your old boss doesn’t know that you’re old colleague knows you? It sound like your colleague is giving you a heads up, how did your name come up in the conversation?

[gizmo7247]

My old boss is a client of my old colleague. So when my old colleague had lunch with my old boss, just prior to moving up here, she'd mentioned that she was going to touch base with her network of people she knew up here - and mentioned me in that network.

That's when my old boss "warned" her about me, and told her I'd "had a restraining order put on me by my ex."

Agreed my colleague was giving me a heads up. Which I appreciate. What's concerning is there was no restraining order. But it's obvious my ex is telling people she got a restraining order on me, and that's how it got to my old boss.

[Radcliff]

Trying to influence the behavior of your ex is not going to succeed.  She's playing by a different set of rules, and is going to do what she is going to do.  It makes sense that her spreading rumors in your work circle would put you on red alert.  How big do you think your real exposure is?  Is she just going to go to one or two folks who are convenient to her?  Is there a large overlap between your work circle and hers?

One of the unfortunate things about pwBPD ex's is that they deeply believe they have been wronged, so they are very convincing and good at recruiting people to their side.  In Splitting, Bill Eddy calls these recruits "negative advocates."  That's what happened to your old boss.  Somewhere, in Splitting or Eggshells or both, is advice on handling smear campaigns like this.

Is your relationship with your old boss important?  Do you feel like you need to reach out to repair, or can you leave it alone?

RC

[Longterm]

Trying to influence the behavior of your ex is not going to succeed.  She's playing by a different set of rules, and is going to do what she is going to do.  

Agreed. Another email could open up a can of worms as you would be basically confronting her about her false accusations, the response is unlikely to be good and could lead to her furthering the smear campaign.

It is very difficult and it sounds like you feel the need to defend yourself. You know the truth. As far as it bleeding into your work circle, some will believe the lies but the ones who know you will not be so easily fooled.

We understand, come here to vent, dont vent at her, it will accomplish nothing.

LT.

[gizmo7247]

Hi Radcliff & LT,

Thank you both for your responses. I agree that there's NO way I'm reaching out to my ex. That's a non-starter.

Unfortunately our work circles do overlap because we met when working together. Fortunately, I've moved to NY since, so her "reach" doesn't extend into my present work circles. My biggest concern was more if a future employer calls previous bosses for reference checks.

My even bigger concern is the split with reality going on. If she'd told my old boss I was a big jerk, stupid, blah blah blah - I wouldn't care. But the fact that she told my old colleagues she "got a restraining order on me," is more troubling. Specifically because she did send her lawyer after me, who determined himself there was nothing there - yet she continues to outright lie about getting a restraining order that she couldn't. Claiming someone had a restraining order against them is a little more grave than simply saying someone is a jerk.

The only option I could think of was reaching out to her lawyer, and just asking him if he can talk to his client and get her to stop. That being said - I'm afraid even doing that will be seen by her as a response, and instigate more. (It's like Pavlov's dog.)

When do they stop? Is this something I'm going to have to be on the lookout for, for years and years?

[GaGrl]

I spent my 40 year career in various HR functions. Did to liability concerns, most mid to large companies will not provide any reference into other than confirmation that the person was employed from (date) to (date), the job title, and that they are eligible for rehire. Supervisors are told to send people asking for references to HR/Payroll. If someone wants a former supervisor to give a reference, that person would need to contact the supervisor and provide written clearance to talk with the prospective employer.

So I wouldn't worry about it.

Frankly, your old boss was at fault for passing on incorrect and stale info.

[Cromwell]

hi Gizmo

I get your anxiety here at the wondering "when will this ever end" as much as will it ever end.

Can only share my own anecdotal experience - complete severence, completely ignored her, complete shut down of communication.

Even in your situation you had this legal matter to respond to, it was via your lawyer and I believe that makes a difference.

This is all about severing some emotional based umbilical cord and let the feeding and nourishment stop. My own experience here is the more zero tolerant, the more strong minded I was towards sticking to no-contact and not deviate, the easier it got, and eventually in todays terms, there is no more trace of her or associated problems. 2 years since.

Why would she bother to harass or impede upon my life today when she knows how fruitless it would be? There are others out there far easier even if it means to groom from the start, just look at this board and the multitude of people still emotionally weak to cut the cord and lay down some defensive walls, my ex could try her luck elsewhere and no doubt will have already. Byproduct of this is "peace at last".

So just stick to the course, ride it out - ultimately she needs a source of soothing and if it doesnt come from you it is paramount she will need to find it somewhere.

I know it can be alarming, it is stalkerish, it can be tempting to try and negotiate, reach out, make her see some "sense" - if you do this you make the whole thing all the more difficult to break free from, it is a sign of weakness that you will cave in eventually, just needs a certain level of pressure.

Ignore her, enjoy your life and pick yourself up. She is clutching at straws with these legal matters, any lawyer can see she is a nutter. If it goes on think about getting her listed as a vexatious litigant.

Stay strong gizmo, your life will move on from this but also take into account the - anxiety - it caused you? Add it to the list of fall-out that we never expected or wanted but now have to deal with. I did this and it just strengthened my resolve to "never again". 

[gizmo7247]

@GaGrl - thank you for the insight. I know most companies just give start/end date and sometimes salary, and don't get deeper than that. Still made me nervous. Also agree to your point, my ex boss shouldn't have been involved in gossip like this.

@Cromwell - completely agree, and thank you. The lawyer stunt, 6 months after our break - was truly stunning. At first, I was emotionally hurt and felt the need to defend myself. But her own lawyer told me she had "obvious mental issues," and I realized it was really some twisted attempt at keeping ties with me.

To your point - I honestly keep wishing/hoping she'd find another guy to obsess about and focus on, so she'd stop talking/obsessing about me. 11 months removed from the relationship, it's stunning how much less anxiety I feel these days and how truly happier I am. Don't get me wrong, there's still lots of damage to work through and heal from, but it's amazing not having to wake up every day worried about what she was going to do/say/cause that day.

Which is why I think the anxiety from the lawyer and from this latest "defamation" really stems from. It's like reliving the horrible relationship where I was constantly in a state of anxiety not knowing what craziness to expect next.

[Radcliff]

Any contact has a way of bringing up anxiety again.  Less contact is good.  With time, you may get enough distance that occasional contact doesn't affect you as badly.  11 months is a while, but given the scope of what you went through, it's not that long.  Your healing will continue to build your strength and happiness.

RC

[gizmo7247]

Any contact has a way of bringing up anxiety again.  Less contact is good.  With time, you may get enough distance that occasional contact doesn't affect you as badly.  11 months is a while, but given the scope of what you went through, it's not that long.  Your healing will continue to build your strength and happiness.

RC

Thanks Radcliff,

I agree, I really don't want any contact. I recognize that even having to deal with her lawyer was her triangulation and in essence, or at least in her mind, was contact.

I've decided to just let this go, and not do anything - not even reach back out to my ex-boss to correct the story. I'm doing much better now, and I just need to focus ahead and leave the past behind.

[Radcliff]

I just need to focus ahead and leave the past behind.

Hoorah!  Keep us posted on how you're doing.

RC