At a Loss with Brother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I just need some feedback about my brother from some people who have been through similar situations.

He has pretty severe BPD, with substance abuse thrown in. I'm debating whether it's time to cut him out of my life for awhile. He threatened to kill my parents and my boyfriend last year over text in a drunken rage. I was pregnant, and I told him that unless he got help, I couldn't talk to him. We live in different states so this isn't too hard. Shortly after the birth of my baby, he apologized to me and seemed to be a slightly more stable place, so I cautiously began talking to him. Tonight he's gone off the rails again. Rants, threats, accusations, calling names.

I tried for years to maintain a relationship with him. I was his "savior" role at one time and could do no wrong. Now he feels abandoned by me I think and seems to really actually hate me. I know it's just the disease talking when he says awful things to me, but I'm just so tired of trying. I also don't feel safe going to visit my family anymore since I had my daughter. He's threatened violence against himself and others so many times, and although I really really don't think he would ever actually hurt anyone, I can't be 100% sure.

I feel guilty, because I know abandoning him is the worst thing I can do, but I genuinely don't know how to maintain a relationship with him anymore. I love him so much and it breaks my heart how sad he is, but he is also just such a miserable, awful person to be around and talk to.

When is it okay to throw in the towel with someone who has BPD? What are boundaries some of you have effectively established?

[elizabeth86]

Hi everyone. This is my first post here. I just need some feedback about my brother from some people who have been through similar situations.

He has pretty severe BPD, with substance abuse thrown in. I'm debating whether it's time to cut him out of my life for awhile. He threatened to kill my parents and my boyfriend last year over text in a drunken rage. I was pregnant, and I told him that unless he got help, I couldn't talk to him. We live in different states so this isn't too hard. Shortly after the birth of my baby, he apologized to me and seemed to be a slightly more stable place, so I cautiously began talking to him. Tonight he's gone off the rails again. Rants, threats, accusations, calling names.

I tried for years to maintain a relationship with him. I was his "savior" role at one time and could do no wrong. Now he feels abandoned by me I think and seems to really actually hate me. I know it's just the disease talking when he says awful things to me, but I'm just so tired of trying. I also don't feel safe going to visit my family anymore since I had my daughter. He's threatened violence against himself and others so many times, and although I really really don't think he would ever actually hurt anyone, I can't be 100% sure.

I feel guilty, because I know abandoning him is the worst thing I can do, but I genuinely don't know how to maintain a relationship with him anymore. I love him so much and it breaks my heart how sad he is, but he is also just such a miserable, awful person to be around and talk to.

When is it okay to throw in the towel with someone who has BPD? What are boundaries some of you have effectively established?

[Turkish]

 The substance abuse makes it so much worse, elizabeth86.

He's threatened violence against himself and others so many times, and although I really really don't think he would ever actually hurt anyone, I can't be 100% sure.

Trust your gut on this one.  It sounds like you and your baby are safe given the distance, yet as a parent myself, I wouldn't forget his previous threats.

The substance abuse may make conversations hard, especially if he is drunk. Firmly back away from talking to him when he's like that. For sober times, consider validation tools.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

See the discussion link at the end and tell us what you think?

One thing that worked for me was BIFF:   2.03 | B.I.F.F. Technique for Communications

It helped me not to provide a target.

[GaGrl]

You have a primary responsibility now to the nuclear family you have created. Their safety, security and physical/mental health takes priority over your FOO.

There are tools here to help you decide your best course of action.

Rather than labeling what you are thinking of doing as "abandonment," you might think of it as a period of NC ( No Contact) or LC (Low Contact). This helps you regain your balance and strength.