Looks like it is divorce for me

[gadget]

Hi all,

Had this text interchange tonight with my soon to be ex-wife.

Wife:     I am not happy and I have told you that for almost 2 years now.  I’m sorry you are hurt and it wasn’t my intention.  You are a great person but I don’t want to be married to you.  I have told you all of this before.  Your chance to fight for us was a long time ago.  I am hurt and my entire family abandoned me.  I just wish things were different.  I feel like I woke up in a nightmare.  You have to talk to me.

Gadget:   I will.  Just wish we could have as a team, 2 years ago, went to therapy.  We deserved a better chance than this.

Wife:   I never wanted any of this.  I feel like I abandoned our special needs son and my heart breaks but not one time has anyone considered that.

Gadget:   You can come and see him anytime you want.  He still needs you.

Wife:   If you would have listened maybe.  I have cried and struggled since I moved.  I am at the point no matter what I’m pegged as a cheater.  It sucks and think what you will.  I am at the point where I am anyways, I am being pushed.

Gadget:   I tried to listen.  SO hard.  You didn’t always tell me all the things.  I don’t think you are a cheater.  But I don’t know your life now.  You don’t tell me much.  I’d hope we can be honest and if we both are going to see others, we say it, and not hide it.  Come to an understanding.  I have nothing now.  I at least hope we can have honesty and continue getting along as we have been.

Wife:  we just need to file for divorce.  Save what civility we have.  I told you I don’t want you to be alone.  You can see other people.

Gadget:  I’ll have to save up the money.  I want us to get along.  It really hurts that I feel like I’m your enemy now.

Wife:  You have the family as support.  I am the one sitting here crying.  Not one single time has anyone thought about me.  Period. I had to fight for my own dad to talk to me.  I am done honestly.

Gadget:  I think about you all the time.  I’m deeply depressed.  My world was taken from me.

Wife:   I have said I’m sorry and I mean it.  This is out of control.

Gadget:  I believe you mean it.  It will be calm now.  I will save up and get it done.

Wife:  As long as we agree on stuff it won’t cost much.  I don’t want to fight.

Gadget:  we will agree.  I don’t want to fight either.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers 

Gadget

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I am so sorry.  Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

RC

[Ozzie101]

I'm so sorry, gadget!

[gadget]

Thanks RC and Ozzie!

Your words comfort me 

Gadget

[Rev]

Hi all,

Had this text interchange tonight with my soon to be ex-wife.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers 

Gadget

Hey Gadget,

You don't specifically ask for anything except for thoughts and prayers.

So you have mine - prayers that you will do what you need to do to leave with as much peace as you need with your privacy as intact as possible. It will make the healing you and all of seek easier to locate in your heart.

Conversations with BPD's are not conversations, at least by my experience, so much as chess matches. I pray also that you remember that.

Blessings to you as you journey that you see the good stuff around you too.

Rev

[gadget]

Thank you Rev!

Nice to meet you.  Your words help me and ring true.  This was a chess match I could never win.  Not sure there are many wins for us non BPD.

Weird ... After all this, 5 months of seperation, I feel strangely calm today.  Though it still hurts.  I will still see her 3x a week as she comes over to help me with our special needs son.

Thank you!   

Gadget

[Rev]

Thank you Rev!

. After all this, 5 months of seperation, I feel strangely calm today.  Though it still hurts.  I will still see her 3x a week as she comes over to help me with our special needs son.

Thank you!   

Gadget

We're at the same place in terms of time. Thankfully I do not have children with her as this was a second marriage for me. But there is a win for us - and unlike some of the things I am hearing - it is I think a big one. You and I - although hurting are not hurting anywhere close to how they are hurting. I know my ex's ex husband - we are work colleagues - and the knowing looks that we give each other are comfort. She tried to bring not one but two men down. She is now going to try to bring down a third.

Remind yourself - or get someone to remind you - every time you feel you have "lost" that while it is true that all of this hurts immensely - at least speaking for myself it certainly did and some times still does - that the PLEASE READ I lived was far worse. She doesn't have me to kick around any more. She lost.

Your ex may talk a good game - may act an even better one - but trust me - it kills her to see you every time she sees you getting stronger. The new guy - it won't take long before she devalues him too - probably faster than it took her to put you through the stuff she put you through.  I'll pray for him too - if that's okay.

You win in another way my friend. Your son - he has a shining example before him of a man who stands up to abuse. In a world that has so much trouble believing that men are in fact victims of domestic abuse , you being his dad is a huge win for so many people.

God with it all my friend. By faith, you will persevere.

Rev

[Dave89]

Hi gadget,

It is sad to hear things are taking this direction and you have all my thoughts.

This is very hard period to go trough, but I am happy to hear you felt calm least at some point. It is even more crucial to keep taking care of ourselves when we are in emotional roller coaster.

I had been working a lot lately as taxi driver and didn´t get a chance or energy to write you earlier, but I was following.

I will have my divorce process very likely next month too. So we are in the same boat. I am alone too, longing for having partner and family in future, but in some days feeling uncertain if I will be able to find one that would suit me well. That is part of our complicated life. But its good to hear that we all are just humans and going trough same things can give us strength to never give up hope!

Take care for now and let us know how things move ahead and how you are doing.

[Rev]

its good to hear that we all are just humans and going trough same things can give us strength to never give up hope!  Take care for now and let us know how things move ahead and how you are doing.
[/quote

Love this - my divorce is complete and still there are daily battles because of how the relationship affects me still - every day though I log on here and I find inspiration - Men who are reaching out to other men - people reaching out to people - it helps put things in perspective.

So please do let us let each other know how things are going.  One day each of us will have the chance to help redeem something in the world because of what we have seen. And that day may even be right now because of this thread.  

Rev

[gadget]

Hi Rev and Dave89!

Thank you for your kind words, they give me strength and hope.

Rev - My wife doesn't have someone new yet, "allegedly".  But she does have a guy room mate that she swears is plantonic.  But I will never really know.  Hard to believe anything she says these days.  She has lied to me and our kids already.  Part of me thinks she just wants to live on her own the unmarried life.  She told me she doesn't want me to be alone and it's ok for me to find someone else.  She has told two of my kids that she isn't seeing anyone now.  She says she doesn't want to be married to me anymore and it isn't me it's her.  I'm a saint, she is not.  One time she even said "You shouldn't be nice to me, I don't deserve it".  Very down on herself.  So if it isn't me, then why leave me?  Why would she no longer want to be married to me?  I saw on her guy room mates FB page a temp profile pic of her and him as a couples costume out at a Halloween party.  He was Bill Clinton, and she was Monica Lewinsky.  Very hard for me to see that photo.  So ... She gave up being married to me after 30 years in which I gave her everything, even more than I did for myself.  Yes I was co-dependant, gave up hanging out with our Special Needs son, gave up seeing her 7 mo old grandson, daughter, son-in-law, and her father every day for this?  I do believe something that our Therapist and my best friend said, and you too.  She has a hard time with me doing SO well with my special son and she does not.  Hard for her to be around me when she feels guilty/ashamed she isn't on that level.

I do log on here to find inspiration too.  It helps to talk to you all that have been though this too and undestand my pain at this level.

Dave89  -  Yes I do have a calm it is weird.  I try not to really think of her much anymore.  It hurts when I do, and hurts when I see her 3x a week knowing, once I save up the money, we will no longer legally be married.  I think at first it will have to be legal separation.  I'm still on her health insurance and she said I still can be.  Not sure that is allowed if you are Divorced?  But possible if just legally separated?  I'm researching it ...  SO hard that she can just give up us without a fight.  And even though she said "It isn't you, its me", she seems to blame much of this back 2 years ago and after her mom passed away on her saying "I'm not happy, I don't know who I am anymore", and me not listening.  I always heard her but she'd would never talk to me about it nor elaborate further.  So how can I fix what is wrong if she isn't telling me what is wrong.  We may not have had the super fun, party, drinking all the time life, but we had a good solid life, 4 beautiful kids, and she wanted for nothing ever.  She even got to take vacations with her BFF to Florida and Vegas.  I took almost no vacations for myself.  Her BFF has been single her whole life, goes out and parties all the time even though she's almost 50 just like my wife.  Her BFF sleeps around a lot with anyone she likes, married or not.  My wife and I were married when she was 19 and I was 21.  So she hasn't ever lived on her own.  I think she sees the carefree single life like her BFF and wants it.  Hard to see/know she could abandon me, and her daughter and grandson that live with me for this new life style.  Yet she complains that no one reaches out to her and she feels her family abandoned her.  yet she left without explaining to anyone why she left.  She just let me tell them all it was "Compassion Fatigue" per the Therapist because of taking care of our Special Needs son with me for 25 years.

I appreciate you both and all my other friends here Red5, Gemsforeyes, RC, once removed Enabler, Cold Knight, Ozzie101 and anyone else I missed more than I can ever put into words.  You all have been the greatest help getting me through this.  I will always be here to share my story and comment on your stories and others to help if I can.

You make this easier for me than even Therapy does, because you get it.  You have been through this.  I have mentioned to my Therpist I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and see much of my wife in that book.  Therapist nodded and said "MM Hmm" and no more was ever said of it.  My wife mayb or may not be BPD.  But everytime I share on here, one or more person has almost the same exact story.  That speaks volumes.  I love my Therapist.  And that is the same one my wife goes to.  I will continue to go.

Thanks!

Gadget

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Gadget-

I’m so very sorry.  I can feel your pain through your post.  But calmness is hopefully the order of the day.  And some clarity maybe.

When your W could not and cannot explain what was behind her leaving the family home, what was behind her “unhappiness”... I don’t think she was keeping secrets.  I don’t think she knew.  I don’t think she knows.  She just had extremely unsettled feelings she needed to “escape”; and there seemed to be something about her mother’s passing that pulled the trigger.  What was in that relationship?  Who knows?  Does your W even understand enough to SAY?

I don’t know if ANY of this falls into your circumstance.  Sometimes we’re not permitted to have our own thoughts when growing up.  We’re not asked what our dreams are for our lives. 

So we “fall” into roles.  We fall in love young.  If nothing happens to interrupt that.   Wife, mother, cook, worker, caretaker... or husband, father, worker, mechanic, lawn care...  can I breathe and put my feet up and ask “who am I?”  Will SOMEONE PLEASE ASK IF I’M OK?”  Is there anybody out there?  It can happen.  To anyone.

Life gets busy, and confusing.  You are both emotional.  And very sad.  Gadget, she is as sad as you.  And she is feeling very guilty.  About leaving you and your family.

I truly believe that you’ll need to be the one to “save” her, help her keep steady emotions if this thing moves to divorce.  It doesn’t look like any “cheating” has occurred.  From your telling, not while she was in the home, and likely she’s trying to be “loyal” still.  Her moving out was not about that.  At all.  Try not to make it harder than it already is, try not to point fingers.  You still love one another.

And that BFF... yea, the BFF is an “action figure”.  She dreams she had what your W has... she dreams of that.  People who love her despite being mad at her.  There’s not that much there.

I’m rambling, I know.  And I’m wondering... gadget, in these 5 months, have you taken your W for a walk, a coffee, a sandwich and asked... so “my ALWAYS friend...my first love, tell me some little things you’ve not yet done that may give you joy?”  Instead of why did you leave me /us?

Things no one EVER asks... because life is just too busy.

I’m sorry.  And I’m sad.  And no one ever asked me.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[gadget]

Hi Gemsforeyes,

Thanks for your reply.

I don't think my wife knows.  Our Therapist says the same thing "She doesn't know, just had to escape".  So I do believe that.  Her mother meant the world to her.  She saw her mother decline slowly over 3-4 years with Alzheimers.  I'n the end, she didn't even know my wife.  Her mother stayed at the facility my wife worked at.  So my wife got to see her daily (workdays).  Feed her lunch and visit.  When she passed it did trigger something.  Could be Compassion Fatigue, Midlife Crisis?  I'm not sure.  I'm not trying to diagnose.  More trying to understand and help and be positive.  Nothing I did/said ever helped my wife.  Its almost like she didn't want help.

I do believe we fell in love young.  She did say when this all went down "for 30 years I have been a wife, mother, cook, maid, but never myself".  I did ask her if any of us the last 30 year was real.  She said it absolutely was.  She had told me before "I will always love you".  I just think she fell out of being in love with me.  She said we are different people now, its almost like we are business partners.  I do believe she is as sad as I am, most likely even more sad.  She does feel guilty & ashamed for leaving.  I've shared many text interactions between my wife and I with our therapist.  Last one the Therapist said "This is no longer guilt, this reeks of shame".

I am always positive except for when I'm sad here and there.  I'm always nice to her.  Always have been, always will be.  I don't think there is any real cheating, though there was an incident before this all went down where she kissed an old highschool crush at the bar after a highschool class reunion.  I ahve had many conversations with my wife.  I don't often say why did you leave us.  That is rare.  I've invited her out for dinner and was declined a few times.  She did have family dinner with us a few times and plans to come over for Thanksgiving dinner with all of us and Christmas too.  She did spend the day with me when I had my colonoscopy.  It was like old times.  Made me so happy.  I woke up from the procedure trying to eat Cheese-Its and missing my mouth.  She was feeding them to me.  We had lunch out.  She called me babe a few times.  It was a great day.  I see she still loves me.  I feel it.  I believe it.  I miss her so.

I did all the positive things.  Still do.  Anytime I talk of us.  She stops talking to me.  So I keep it light.  Only talk to her when she texts me.  Our text converstaions now are longer and more often.  I can still make her laugh via text and in person.

I appreciate you, and all my other friends here.  Does my heart good

Thanks  

Gadget

[Gemsforeyes]

I missed that Gadget.  I didn’t realize your W works in a care facility.  And watching her mom slip away day by day to the point she doesn’t know you is really devastating.  I watched my father-in-law’s decline.  His kids thought they were “close” but were emotionally distant... pretty self-absorbed.  I was the one who insisted, pretty much begged  “dad’s going to go tonight, you need to come now”.  I am grateful my exH believed me - they all believed me.

So your W is reminded pretty much  daily of her mother’s passing when she goes to work?  And she’s reminded daily of caretaking your dear special needs son when she goes to work... perhaps she is overwhelmed still.  But she cannot verbalize, she cannot really connect the dots.  Or how would she change jobs, admit this is too much for her, this daily reminder?

And then there is menopause.  And that feeling of “becoming invisible” to the world, when on the inside she’s still 19 and wondering who on EARTH she is?

And this is for you, too Gadget.  Does your community offer “respite care”?  You probably know, but this is where an experienced home health aide steps in periodically to care for your dear son to give you a break.  Have YOU had a break so you can gather your thoughts, grieve where you need to, properly care for yourself?

At some point life could be more than just reacting to others and their needs.  Maybe?  Who am I?  Aside from another person who’s spent the bulk of MY life responding to and reacting to those I’ve been trying to “keep happy”.  I’m trying to find out the answers to this too, my friend.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[gadget]

I’m sure my wife’s work does remind her daily of her mom and possibly our son too.  She could be going through menopause too.  Also in the mix is 2 years ago she got weight loss surgery and is 1/2 the size she used to be.  I hear from a family friend that can mess with your mind too.

My community does offer Respire Care.  I just set it up.  And a good family friend does it so I chose her.  My wife had complained forever about me getting Respite Care.  I should have acted sooner. 

I have had a break for me.  I drive 1.5 hours each way to work everyday and listen to audiobooks and podcasts.  I have a great  support system of friends, family, coworkers and my Therapist I share with my wife.  I meditate daily, teach Karate, joined a Yoga class, and I’m doing college online for my BS of Cybersecurity degree.  Once month I have Karate Black Belt workouts and have my oldest son and long term friends over to play Dungeons and Dragons.  I have a great online second family on World of Warcraft as well.  My therapist said I’m doing all the things I should and I’m coping well.  Even said I don’t have to come anymore if I don’t want to.

With all that I do have breaks for me.  Taking care of my son is routine and second nature to me. But I’m going to try to get out more.  I don’t have any nearby local friends.  She told me she doesn’t want me to be alone and to find someone.  Part of me wants to.  I don’t know.

I was codependent too.  But I really do get more joy out of doing for others than I did  for myself.  Now that she is gone, so is my codependency because there really is only me.  And my daughter, grandson, special son, and son in law.  But you see what I mean.  I focus on me because I can no longer do for her.

Gadget

[Stillhopeful4]

Oh Gadget,

I'm so sorry to hear this.  I know this isn't the direction you were hoping it would turn.

((Hugs)

Thinking of you my friend.

SH4

[MidLifCrysis1]

So sorry, Gadget. It's tough to fight so hard for so long and have to face this kind of result.
The positive side is that it SOUNDS like there's a lot of mutual care and peace going on.
I surely hope you can get things settled as needed with that kind of atmosphere remaining intact.

Don't stop using all the tools and experience in dealing with BPD triggers - especially not until everything is finalized.

Good luck. Here if you need me...

 - MLC

[gadget]

Thanks SH4 and Midlifcrysis1,

Your support and friendship mean so much to me!  I will still be here sharing my story and commenting on others stories if I can help.  My story isn't done.  Just has turned the corner for now and went down a different street

Gadget

[Dave89]

Hi again

How are things lately?
How are you feeling?

It is good to hear that you find this group to be useful and supportive because of our shared experiences.

I may have my own divorce case settled the first part of December, for now, it seems very likely to go that way. We both should meet the notary, she is back in our home country and I will be visiting due to have surgery for my shoulder dislocation that I had for more than six years, so I want to finish our divorce there as well, it is much quicker than here in the country I live, it takes just one extra month to finalize. It will still be quite emotional to meet her there... I think for her even more than for me. I am just sharing this in case if you will have to go trough that as well... but hope all is good for now!

[gadget]

Hi Dave89,

I’m good, bad, sad, mad.  All the things.

Seems we are getting divorced for sure.  But still get along well. It looks like I have also graduated from therapy and no longer need to go.  Therapist had said all along my wife suffers from Compassion Fatigue from helping care for our special needs son with me.  Now after I told T about the divorce and read her 4 pages of text between my wife and I , T now says Midlife Crisis and it usually is the guy that leaves.  This time it is the woman and she is sorry.

I have such a hard time with the fact that I wasn’t allowed to keep my wife and she didn’t try fight for us at all.

Many times I have a strange peace and calmness.  But here and there the sadness returns.  Though I’m Better overall than I have ever been.

I’ll keep reading here and posting.  I still need all of you as I transition to being a single person and figure out the dating thing after being off the dating scene for 30 years.

Gadget

[gadget]

It is hard to see no trying in her words.  Here is one of our last conversations.

Wife:     Do you want to tell me about therapy?  I canceled my last one.  I have to reschedule.

Gadget:     We just talked about us heading towards divorce.  And me coping with that.

Wife:     Ok.  I am sorry, but you deserve to be happy too.

Gadget:     I know.  Thank you.  I want to be.  This will take time.  I was happy with you.  You were all I ever wanted.

Wife:     Our marriage was really messed up and you know that you are busy and so damned positive.  That’s not a bad thing.  You’re positive and that is a good trait.

Gadget:    I know I’m busy.  I know our marriage wasn’t perfect.  But I believed it was worth fighting for.

Wife:     This is very hard and I am sorry.  I want you to be happy and have a good life too.  If I need to do more with our special son I can.  Give you a chance to go out.

So ...yea.

Gadget

[Dave89]

I’m very glad to hear that you are better overall than you have ever been! It’s absoultely normal to feel like you do now. It takes time to regain emotional stability after such a radical changes, but you are doing really good, you have a good support system. Perhaps now it can also be difficult for the same therapist to work with you both when things have taken this turn.

I can assure you that if you continue to keep up your good routine, things will get even more stable over time. I also noticed in past that when I contacted with my wife while we were separated, my anxiety grew. So for me was best to limit our contact to absolutely nessecary. I don’t know how it affects you and I understand that you will still need take care of your son together and arrange times.

[Rev]

It is hard to see no trying in her words.  Here is one of our last conversations.

Wife:     Do you want to tell me about therapy?  I canceled my last one.  I have to reschedule.

Gadget:     We just talked about us heading towards divorce.  And me coping with that.

Wife:     Ok.  I am sorry, but you deserve to be happy too.

Gadget:     I know.  Thank you.  I want to be.  This will take time.  I was happy with you.  You were all I ever wanted.

Wife:     Our marriage was really messed up and you know that you are busy and so damned positive.  That’s not a bad thing.  You’re positive and that is a good trait.

Gadget:    I know I’m busy.  I know our marriage wasn’t perfect.  But I believed it was worth fighting for.

Wife:     This is very hard and I am sorry.  I want you to be happy and have a good life too.  If I need to do more with our special son I can.  Give you a chance to go out.

So ...yea.

Gadget

Hi Gadget... so yea... I feel for you... and that exchange is tough.

If I were to pray for you, what might you say I could hold in prayer that would be helpful for you?

Rev

[gadget]

Dave89 - Thanks.  I’m trying.  The therapist thinks I’m doing all the right things to cope and heal so she doesn’t feel she can do much more for me. She said I can come back anytime I need to.  Sometimes it is hard to see my wife.  Sometimes not.

Rev -  I’d say pray I have the strength to cope and heal and move forward with my new life and not dwell on the past that I lost.  Thank you!

Gadget

[Stillhopeful4]

Gadget,

My heart is breaking for you.  You know you are going to have up and down days/moments.  We are all here for you if you need to chat!

Don't put too much pressure on yourself about getting out and dating.  Give yourself time to heal, learn to love being with yourself, then be open to love.  Try not to rush it.

I'm in the same boat as you.  My W contacted an attorney last week and I retained one over the weekend.  It's getting very ugly and she will not even reply to any of my texts and blocked me on social media.  Can't believe she ghosted me.  I get people do that in the dating world.  But not 40 something adults that have been together 10+ years.  It seems very childish.  Yet I still carry her health insurance etc etc.

Sending prayers and ((Hugs) your way.

SH4

[gadget]

Thanks SH4!

I really appreciate having you and the others here for me.  And I'm very sorry your situation as well.  We all will make it though this. We all are stronger than this.

I'm not going to rush anything.  But I do want someone new to talk to as a friend/companion that genuinely wants to spend time with me and not be on their phone.  Someone that is completely honest and doesn't hide things from me and keep secrets.  I believe lack of communication ruined my marriage.   She would never tell me anything and now its too late.

Yet though the last conversations she seems to blame me for not listening even though she'd never elaborate on what was wrong

Gadget

[Stillhopeful4]

I get it.  Communication is key and my W did the same thing.  Keep so many secrets, didn't tell me things, gave me 1/2 truths.  I feel like I needed to read her mind 24/7.  It's exhausting.

Try not to let the things she accuses you of now get to you too much.  She's projecting.

[MidLifCrysis1]

She's projecting.

I don't know how much everyone's pwBPD does this, but I get it SO much, I have to actively, mentally keep my grounded and reminded that I am, in fact, NOT in the Twilight Zone.

It's frightening, sometimes, to hear the exact words that we would/should/want to be saying to them being said out of their mouths aimed at us, with usually absolutely zero supporting reality-based reasoning.

Don't let the madness creep in, Gadget. Sanity-checks are definitely valuable and acceptable things to do. Be careful of mentally perseverating on what could have been done or how something could have gone. It will likely only bring you down.

 - MLC

[Stillhopeful4]

It's frightening, sometimes, to hear the exact words that we would/should/want to be saying to them being said out of their mouths aimed at us, with usually absolutely zero supporting reality-based reasoning.

EXACTLY THIS

So many times I thought I was going insane thinking how can she be saying this to me.  This is exactly what I should be saying to her.  But then you can't because if you do you get...can't you think of anything to say on your own, you just use my words, what are you a parrot?  Then you try and say it back in a similar fashion and I get "YOU ARE TWISTING IT".  OMG NO I AM NOT!  I could go on and on for days.

SH4

[gadget]

Thanks SH4 and Midlifcrysis1,

I'm past that phase now mostly.  I don't think about the what if's anymore.  In my last therapy session the therapist asked me "Do you believe you did all you could to help your relationship?".  And I said yes.  She said then there is nothing more to do.  

As each day goes by I think less and less of the what if's.  I still see her and have very fond memories.

I hear you SH4 - I just keep it cordial and really, anymore, only have very low key conversations.

Gadget

[MidLifCrysis1]

I'm past that phase now mostly.  I don't think about the what if's anymore.  In my last therapy session the therapist asked me "Do you believe you did all you could to help your relationship?".  And I said yes.  She said then there is nothing more to do. 

Well, then seems like you're on the right track...and the main self-defeating hurdle (as far as I see it) has been tackled. 

Let the healing and rebuilding commence.

 - MLC