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Author Topic: She really acts as if I don't exist  (Read 342 times)
clvrnn
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« on: November 07, 2019, 03:57:58 PM »

Mod note: This post is a continuation of the following thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340052.0

This experience is very emotionally challenging, to be honest. This is the first time I've actually felt true grief - and it can get very very dark and painful. This week has been hard, especially. My depression is back again and it's hard balancing studying, being friendly to people at uni, seeing my ex, then coming home to nothing.... it's hard.

She is still avoiding me. I saw her today. She wasn't meant to be in my presentation group, but she walked in at the last moment, then sat directly in front of me - she could have sat anywhere, but did this. I wonder if she is doing this on purpose? It's annoying. I got up and asked if I could be moved to a different group, there was no way I wanted to present in front of her.

She seemed to be in a good mood today, chatting to everyone. She really acts as if I don't exist - although of course I know she knows I'm there. I don't think she'll ever talk to me. Sometimes I hope I'll bump into her and we'll speak, but she is making herself very elusive. Sometimes I toy with the idea of reaching out again, but I don't want to get ignored again. Sometimes I even pray for the pain to just be gone.

I can't really forgive the way she shouted at me in front of her sister, though. That was awful and I didn't deserve that. I truly do wonder why she's just ignoring me like this. It's hard not to wonder. I don't think she will ever speak to me again, which is really painful as she was a big part of my life. That's something I am learning to come to terms with.
« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 03:13:16 AM by once removed » Logged

clvrnn
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« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2019, 06:16:37 AM »

Just wanted to get this out and save a record of it somewhere, I guess.

It doesn’t look like you’re ever going to talk to me again, so I really just need to tell you this stuff and then I really will just leave you alone. I want to move on as much as you do.

To be honest with you, I don’t understand any of what happened. You and I were very close, and then literally overnight it ended, and you never really spoke to me again. From my point of view, that has left me with a lot of pain and unresolved questions. You seemed to really like being around me - you would say things that led me to believe you had very strong feelings for me - then overnight, they seemed to disappear.

If I am honest, I couldn’t understand why you chose to shout at me in front of your family. We all get annoyed, and I would have been OK if you wanted to discuss things in private with me. But that was humiliating and hurtful, and I still don’t know why you chose to do that. I get that we had an issue on the way there, but I just think we should have spoken in private. The way you threatened me with the police if I didn’t get out, too - I was so hurt that you became angry that way towards me.

I loved being around you and your family. I was excited when your mum asked me over for Christmas, and I was always ready to go and spend time with them - such as going with you and your family to your mum’s gig, that time. If I’m honest, your hyper-vigliance around my behaviour around your family made me very anxious and again, confused. There seemed to be an ever-growing list of rules and things to do and say, that I couldn’t keep up with.

The way you’re currently ignoring and avoiding me at university is also really difficult. You’re acting as if I don’t exist, as if you really dislike me - again, it’s confusing. You blocked me when I tried to say hello, again, confusing. All of these actions make me feel as if I’ve done something terrible to you, and I haven’t.

Really, all I’ve ever wanted to do was be a part of your life. You know from what I told you that I really cared about you, and I always tried to make you happy even if it was PLEASE READty things like buying you a pack of bagels or something, or make you laugh. I’m not at all perfect, but I did try. I think I realise now that I just felt more than you did, and that’s OK.

I don’t hold any negative feelings towards you. I just wish you had communicated to me more, and not chosen to just act like I don’t exist. I guess you have your reasons. It’s sad that this is where things are at, because I felt like we really had a connection, and we’ve known each other for a long time, I just thought things would amount to more than this. But I guess not.

I’m sorry if there’s something I’ve said or done that’s caused you to be hurt, I wouldn’t have intentionally hurt you. You really were a big part of my life and taught me a lot about myself - and I really had a lot of fun with you, you made me very happy even though it didn’t last very long.

I really can’t keep emailing you, but I really do wish you well with your dissertation and hope it goes well. I know you struggle sometimes with work, but you do have it in you to do well.

Sorry things didn’t work out. I really wish they had.

x
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« Reply #2 on: November 08, 2019, 09:40:45 AM »

Hi clvrnn,

I'm sorry that you are going through a difficult time, it has to be really disruptive to your academics and personal life.

The way you’re currently ignoring and avoiding me at university is also really difficult. You’re acting as if I don’t exist, as if you really dislike me - again, it’s confusing. You blocked me when I tried to say hello, again, confusing. All of these actions make me feel as if I’ve done something terrible to you, and I haven’t.

This is really tough and it can hurt you to the core when you loved someone so much, you feel like they are they are your soul mate and you make that deep connection with someone and want to be with them all of the time. As you probably already know BPD is a shamed based disorder and seeing someone that you have caused pain too is a reminder that you are broken and dysfunctional.

To escape that painful reminder you avoid that person that you have hurt. It's selfish because you are not seeing how your actions affect those that are around you, the people that care about you and you are not taking ownership of those actions. Really your ex owns this please do not blame yourself clvrnn.
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« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2019, 10:08:29 AM »

Hi bud ,
I’ve been thinking and wanted to maybe clarify some things in regards to your post because I had something similar happen to me but I was the one blocking my one ex... and I’ll explain why.

It simply got to be too much for me, emotionally. He was the type of guy who could not STOP texting . When we ended things I tried bein friends and still try to be but occasionally I have to “take breaks” from him cause he is still attached and keep clinging which gets annoying for me who purely only wants to be friends.
We aren’t in a r/a anymore so I don’t see the purpose of him putting in so much effort to text me etc as he used to as a bf.

He still texts me every morning and every night good morning and goodnight and if I don’t reply goodnight or reply to some things (even though I have read receipts on and he can see I read it), he texts me again! Which gets annoying as hell.
Sometimes he will even call me if I don’t text back for a day or half a day, whatever... because he’s worried I’m “in trouble” or something.

I need to have a talk with him again soon stating that if he can’t not text incessantly without waiting for MY reply (however long that takes), then him and I can’t be friends unfortunately.
All my other friends are busy, like me. Plus they’re not a serious Bf status , so unless something is an emergency or needs a reply right away, they don’t have priority for me to reply to just any text/email right away. I reply whenever and both my friends and I have had this type of communication for ages.

I have mentioned this already to my ex but clearly he doesn’t understand .... so my point here being that... when you did text her ... did you text her incessantly ? Repeatedly ? Even though she didn’t reply yet? Because that will yield a block....
It’s annoykng having to get back to someone right away if you’re wanting space or thinking or trying to emotionally detach a bit in general.
And I don’t have BpD (according to my T) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) but I know even as a non, it’s annoying as heck and makes you want to block the person. But because I’m a codependent I end up feeling guilty and then my ex unknowingly uses this guilt to keep
Talking to me... I literally just had to tell him I’m taking space and took it for three weeks .... which , luckily, he respects. But when we do text , it’s like nonstop on his end ....
I could not reply for half day and by night time , he’s already texted me ten more times .... like why? Lol if you had done this to your ex , I get where it’s coming from for you!!! It’s like my ex , he loves me so much he desperately wants our relationship back. He desperately wants us to be the same as before but the reality is, we won’t be. And even if I eventually want it to be (maybe not though), I wouldn’t want him back with this annoying type behaviour (wow I sound rude but I swear I’m really not trying to be rude)— he is a wonderful , amazing person and does love me unconditionally and I do love him as a person . We ended because he’s getting older (40) and doesn’t have a proper career yet wants a family .... he’s barely getting by to support just himself... I mean bare minimum. I feel really bad but I can’t be with someone in that position and have a family with them (my personal choices/standards).
Thoughts???
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« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2019, 10:19:04 AM »

Hey

No, I didn't. What happened was, she said we could be "friends". She then started avoiding me at uni. I tried to message her after uni, once after class. Then the next week I Tried that again - no response. I then stopped going in to classes anyway. Because she had done that (broken up with me and avoided me) before and I'd done that same approach before and she had responded, I didn't think it would cause an issue.

Then I tried about three times, to contact her. Lighthearted. Sent a song, asked her how her grades were. whatever. No response. Those attempts were often two/three weeks apart. I was trying to be very mindful of how often I was contacting her due to the very thing you mentioned. Also we had done all of this before with each other, and she would eventually respond, so I thought that would happen again.

When I tried to contact her recently, I only said hey how are you, blocked straight away. I didn't text incessantly or whatever (and I've done that in the past with other partners, so I get it - but even they ended up talking to me again). I don't know. maybe it was just that she knew i still had feelings so wanted out. I don't know.

also you see in your example, you made it clear you wanted space. she didn't. she ended things by saying we could start again. i wouldn't have kept contacting her trying to start up a conversation had she been clear about not wanting contact - which, in the past, she had been. but i don't know, like i said. maybe it was my contact that did this. i don't know.
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« Reply #5 on: November 08, 2019, 10:31:01 AM »

Hey

No, I didn't. What happened was, she said we could be "friends". She then started avoiding me at uni. I tried to message her after uni, once after class. Then the next week I Tried that again - no response. I then stopped going in to classes anyway. Because she had done that (broken up with me and avoided me) before and I'd done that same approach before and she had responded, I didn't think it would cause an issue.

Then I tried about three times, to contact her. Lighthearted. Sent a song, asked her how her grades were. whatever. No response. Those attempts were often two/three weeks apart. I was trying to be very mindful of how often I was contacting her due to the very thing you mentioned. Also we had done all of this before with each other, and she would eventually respond, so I thought that would happen again.

When I tried to contact her recently, I only said hey how are you, blocked straight away. I didn't text incessantly or whatever (and I've done that in the past with other partners, so I get it - but even they ended up talking to me again). I don't know. maybe it was just that she knew i still had feelings so wanted out. I don't know.

also you see in your example, you made it clear you wanted space. she didn't. she ended things by saying we could start again. i wouldn't have kept contacting her trying to start up a conversation had she been clear about not wanting contact - which, in the past, she had been. but i don't know, like i said. maybe it was my contact that did this. i don't know.

Okay this makes things much much more clear for me ... so obv then it’s just a pwbpd thing and we won’t know 100% their intentions (her intentions , specifically).

And you’re right .... most others WILL respond because most people in general don’t just ignore people or stonewall them especially without a reason (even then, ignoring completely is generally a sign of immaturity or a last resort used against stalker/clingy -type behaviours).

As you said, you left space apart these texts so it’s not you at all.... we will never know in this case what your ex gf is thinking . Sadly. Just keep your chin up. She could just be trying to move on and it’s her way of doing that...which sucks , I know. It hurts if you’re still in love.
In terms of her being all happy and energetic and trying to be part of your group, I would maybe assume the happiness is coming from a place of insecurity or genuinely she has painted you black in her mind and has “forgot” about all the good in you (their defence mechanism).
I’m not sure about wanting to be part of your grouping ... that leads me to believe she’s trying to prove a point (insecurity) instead of painting you fully black.
It’s sad too because she’s probably sad as well but because her protective mechanisms are so high , she won’t ever admit it .

It’s a waiting game at this point for you clvrn.
Do you want to wait or move on?
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« Reply #6 on: November 08, 2019, 10:42:12 AM »

Excerpt
As you said, you left space apart these texts so it’s not you at all.... we will never know in this case what your ex gf is thinking . Sadly. Just keep your chin up. She could just be trying to move on and it’s her way of doing that...which sucks , I know. It hurts if you’re still in love.
In terms of her being all happy and energetic and trying to be part of your group, I would maybe assume the happiness is coming from a place of insecurity or genuinely she has painted you black in her mind and has “forgot” about all the good in you (their defence mechanism).
I’m not sure about wanting to be part of your grouping ... that leads me to believe she’s trying to prove a point (insecurity) instead of painting you fully black.
It’s sad too because she’s probably sad as well but because her protective mechanisms are so high , she won’t ever admit it .

It’s a waiting game at this point for you clvrn.
Do you want to wait or move on?

That's exactly it. Even an ex where I completely lost the plot and was sending hundreds of messages a day (a very dark time for me, but I don't do that anymore) ended up being nice to me in the end and having a 'closure' conversation - I can't see in this example what would have caused my ex to just go quiet.

It could be that she's trying to move on, or embarrassed about the way she ended things, or whatever. I don't know. I know from past conversations with her that she often pretends to be happy and chats to people and has told me she doesn't actually like the person, she's just faking it. So it could be that.

I hate that she keeps sitting near me I think it is just proving a point that she isn't bothered - if she sat elsewhere then I would know she was bothered, so maybe she is going as far not to do that so I don't see any reaction from her at all? Honestly it is like I am invisible to her. Or maybe she just doesn't care at all.

In terms of waiting. I don't think I have a choice. There are now only six weeks until the end of term 1, which has gone by very quickly. I can't see her reaching out to me or saying anything to me. Time feels like it's running out, and I feel like again, I'm just going through something I didn't really get a say in. It's really surreal and strange being around her, and I do want to talk to her, but I can't approach her and she ignores me if I message her, so I feel a bit powerless.
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« Reply #7 on: November 08, 2019, 06:31:01 PM »

100% agree with what you said about people replying for the most part.

It could be that she's trying to move on, or embarrassed about the way she ended things, or whatever. I don't know. I know from past conversations with her that she often pretends to be happy and chats to people and has told me she doesn't actually like the person, she's just faking it. So it could be that.

hmmm could be either one but to be honest... I think a lot of pwbpd are embarrassed at their own actions and their defense mechanism is to not acknowledge feelings of shame and guilt (coming from my T) , therefore they push us away, and make up a diff. story in their head to make themselves feel better about their poor actions if that makes sense. So that's probably what's going on. Whether or not you can do much about it though is a whole other story.

In terms of waiting. I don't think I have a choice. There are now only six weeks until the end of term 1, which has gone by very quickly. I can't see her reaching out to me or saying anything to me. Time feels like it's running out, and I feel like again, I'm just going through something I didn't really get a say in. It's really surreal and strange being around her, and I do want to talk to her, but I can't approach her and she ignores me if I message her, so I feel a bit powerless.


yes it does suck feeling powerless for sure. it's like my ubpdexbf blocking me after our very last fight a month ago ... (wow can't believe it's been a month already haha)
but that Is what I HATED about it. Being blocked. feeling helpless. powerless. But I think they want us in that position. Healthy people respond... I , personally, would not be able to block someone unless they were legit being stalker-types or not respecting my wishes when I ask for less communication etc. But generally I make my needs/wants very very clear. I've never just given someone the silent treatment to punish them... or block someone to punish them... it's exactly what you said, it's used to gain POWER.

That's why I didn't want my ex coming near me right now even when he offered to bring over something he made for me while we dated... I didn't want to feel powerless because I knew I would be if he showed up and ended up apologizing in person or begging... I also didn't want to miss him in person if he was going to leave me again, regardless of bringing me a gift. I was not ready to see him after how our fight ended... and still am not ready. I don't like feeling powerless. I don't like feeling like I'm weak at the mercy of his words/hands. It's a shi*tty feeling knowing someone has that much power over me and my feelings.

I need to power myself up now and gain back my confidence and control. That's what you must do as well... it's not fair having someone use those treatments as punishment or to gain control/power. Whether or not pwbpd are knowingly doing it, I'm unsure of... but they still do it. and it's hurtful. I think one must be super strong to be able to deal with the antics of an undiagnosed bpd. it's super super tough being in a position where you're pushed, accused, threatened and you must sit there being the person of bigger power, take it, and not react. I'm not ready for that yet. It sounds like you aren't yet either so maybe take this time and focus it on you too... get your power back and confidence and strength. Ask yourself why you're attracted/wanting to be with someone who treats you this way? It's a question I yet have to answer myself. I still miss my ex and ask myself why and I can't even answer my own question. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2019, 05:48:06 AM »

I suppose really, if we weren't at uni together, why would she suddenly talk to me after ending things with me months ago. It's only the uni connection that's bought these feelings up - but if we met on an app or something, it's unlikely that she'd suddenly talk to me. So perhaps I am just reading too much into it. Maybe she is/has moved on and simply doesn't want to talk to me.

I did notice though on Thursday - I was in my presentation classroom/group waiting for the session to start. Suddenly she walked in, with some other people. I don't think she knew I was in that group, and it was almost as if she went very tense and anxious - completely different to how she'd just been acting in the previous class - as if she knew that she'd have to look at me/watch me give a presentation, when she seems to be trying so hard NOT to look at me in general.

That might be projection on my part, but it's what it looked like to me. She suddenly went very quiet and withdrawn, and usually she will walk in and choose somewhere to sit - this time she was sort of awkwardly standing, with a straight face, trying to work out where to sit (the room was empty, so not as if there wasn't anywhere to sit) I think that threw her, to be honest.

I honestly just wish I didn't have to see her. The urges to contact her are coming back, but I can't just keep emailing her, it has to stop at some point. Maybe she doesn't even have any feelings for me.

I've thought about going against the Bpd and just being honest about my feelings, but that always made her feel overwhelmed. I wish this wasn't happening. Really all I just wanted was to be part of her life, I had no idea she was this complex and it's still a daly battle reminding myself of the anger issues and everything that she has. It's so hard
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« Reply #9 on: November 09, 2019, 06:25:32 AM »

clvrnn

you are young, I think, maybe early 20s.

People come and go, include her in this and write this off so you can give someone else the chance. The sooner you do, the better. When will this attachment end?

When I was your age I had the feeling that I could afford the luxury of stuff like you are doing now, but truth is, time is finite it is like a silent thief in the background.

There is a whole university full of people to interact with, pursue into relationships - beyond that (if it is insufficient) a full planet.

Write this off Clvrnn, today, it makes no sense besides some very alarming points.

has made you feel suicidal
[II] impacts your day to day life - studies etc.

detach from her leads to reattach with yourself, find the bravery to do so. I dont even have to ask if you think this whole thing is more than just "her" the relationship - you have previously mentioned it is.

If she had a backbone of any sort, she would have skipped your presentation having the empathy of how uncomfortable it would be for you.

"she was this complex"

clvrnn, we ALL are inherently complex. last but not least - you are too.

we are complex, so much so that all these psychologists have not found anywhere near a cure for all that we have gone, uniquely, through.

All the emotional suffering - at the end of the day, who is dealing with it? you are. and there is the strength.

you keep talking about her in the way that there is still an existing relationship, making it so, when reality-check is, she isnt even giving you the time of day. Thats not complex at all, from my perspective, it is pretty simple.

if someone doesnt want to communicate with me, they avoid and ignore me.

if I chose to make that more complex - it is not their fault, but my own for not leaving it be.
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« Reply #10 on: November 09, 2019, 07:02:30 AM »

detach(ing) from her leads to reattach(ing) with yourself, find the bravery to do so.

I like what Cromwell said here.    Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) 

detach from her.    you've worked very hard at figuring out what she thinks and what she feels.   right?    and what has it gotten you?    what gains do you have from it?    has it made you feel any better?

detaching from her means work to not pay attention to what she is doing.   detaching meanings not figuring out what she is thinking.    letting go means what she feels is her business and no longer has anything to do with you

turn the focus on you.   on how to cope and find peace with your feelings.   how can you find ways to be comfortable.    what can you do to better your life at uni.

'ducks
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« Reply #11 on: November 09, 2019, 07:38:49 AM »

Thank you Cromwell, I found that interesting.

Yes, I do often speak as if there is an existing relationship. I think that is just because over time, she would often ignore me, then suddenly reach out, etc etc. While I don't want to sound like I am blaming her, I have never experienced the way I am feeling with anyone else; whenever someone's ended things it's been painful, but I don't feel like this for months on end. I believe that because of her continuous mixed signals, I am very used to being in that mindset. This has been - or had been going on since March, 2018. I remember even you commenting back then in one of my posts.

But you're right. She isn't giving me the time of day, no. I realise that, too. This is the first time I'm truly grieving over everything and that it's clear things are over between us - this is the first time that I've seen that there isn't any hope, etc.

As for finding someone else to be with; I tried that. I downloaded and went on all the dating sites, and I didn't find anyone I was interested in, and I barely got any messages. It didn't make me feel any better, so I deleted it all. I'm not a typical person with friends and places to go, so I don't meet many people, and my depression right now is very strong, so I don't have the motivation anyway.

The dating thing is difficult because for example I have a friend who is pretty and just sits in her room all day on Instagram, and gets DMs from men, she leaves to go to the shop and men talk to her - my life isn't like that. I started to feel resentful that I wasn't having any success with dating, and that bled into my depression, so I can't really expose myself to dating right now.

Ducks

The only thing I can think to do at uni is to try a bit harder in sitting where she isn't, but that then means abandoning the few people I do have to talk to, and spending all my time on my own. As I've said she comes in and sits behind or in front of me, and really I don't want to be anywhere near her. It's very stressful, even just finding somewhere to sit where she isn't. But if that's what I have to do then fine. I can't really keep going on like this. She has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me so why bother anymore
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« Reply #12 on: November 09, 2019, 08:49:34 AM »

This might be easy for other people, really. But I've always gone strict NC with other exes - I've never had to be faced with an ex and watch them move on and act normal in front of me. The knowledge that she isn't paying me attention and has seemingly moved on and doesn't want to talk IS what is now causing the pain. I'm well aware that it's over, that she doesn't want to talk to me. That's what the pain is coming from, now. And the knowledge that I can't do anything about it, and that she is entitled to be herself and chat to whoever she wants in the classroom, and that once this year is over I'll never see her again.

I'm sure she doesn't think about me often, and has moved on and probably thinking about others. All of that is the pain-causer, at this point. Not the break up, or the way she treated me, or any of that. Those are really the main issues, now.
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« Reply #13 on: November 09, 2019, 10:55:59 AM »

hey clvrnn,

what do you have to lose (bearing in mind you say this lack of contact is causing the pain)

why not confront her? let all the poison out. Like emptying a swill bucket.

I Wish I had, sometimes, I got there in the end without having to, but maybe I took a longer route.

I have only seen women fight a few times, physically, it was really emotive different. Grab by hair and face mashed into car bonnet. TErrifying. Guys fight different.

maybe I have the absence of my ex at same uni as a lack of aproblem. i would have made a scene where either id be kicked out (most likely) followed by it being so outrageously embarassing that she would have fleed there too. Just my style, and what happens when you push someone already depressed to the edge.

but today is different, since march 2018. im not depressed, im a few years from being a doctor. I didnt rise to all of those baited troll hooks.

Clvrnn, a few months and she is out of sight out of mind. your life goes on. if she would be too hard to handle, you would have changed course by now. Youve got this!

my advice is redundant, you prove each day that you manage this better than I could. People like crywolf too.

im at uni, it is a sanctuary of peace, my ex is not allowed here. the work I have to do (a degree in medicine) pales in significance to the emotional work ive had to do to stay above water these last few years.

i checked out her fb a month ago, she finally has a newidealisation relationship. finally "happy" despite all she has been through.

excuse me? "happy"?

you horrible b1tch who abused not just me, but a catalogue of guys and leftthem in your wake, stalked, harassed, threatened, physically and emotionally attacked.

you want to be.....deserve to be...... all of a sudden......happy!?

just lucky im not 20 anymore, that I got healed, that I got a grip and brushed off from my shoulder what I Call "insane petty garbage"

ill leave her be, with her new infactuation, despite being long forgotten.

I was stalked,  abused. I could now in todays term, show her "who the bigger psycho is".

I can be nasty too, I even have perhaps, an excuse to be.

but clvrnn, im not a sad case, I dropped it, I let it all go. it is flotsam.

she will ruin that too, as much as she ruined it with me. SO why bother to give it any attention or let it induce feelings of revenge or malice?

my ex is a sad case, via, mental suffering. I had to let that become real, accept it, not imagine it as a way to placate my own suffering.

where does it leave me, us? the so called non-disordered.

well, for people who call themselves non disordered, bit of an irony of how much disorder is in their lives. Chances are there is a little bit in common which gelled these non and disordered relationships together. Stuff we have to unpackage ourselves. I did, and feel better for it. you mentioned awhile back she "reminded you" of someone from the past.

there is so much going on here clvrnn, more than appears on surface. no doubt same goes for the rest of us who made it here. it is bigger than the relationship itself for a lot of cases.

what sort of person are you clvrnn, or what do you hope to become?

all I ever hear about is "her", and how she doesnt speak to you.

id have no gumption, in the middle of the principal and other students I have to talk in front of in a months time. If I was there, and my ex was there, and I could do nothing to prevent her. I would make her the centreof attention she has jostled for historically, id make her overload in it and cure the bpd. I guarantee id manage where the top psychiatrists have so far failed. She already knows to stay away. she cheated on me before she even "knew" who she was cheating on, and this is why I forgave it.

forgive them o lord, for they know not what they are doing.

im afew years from being a doctor, my marks are close to sub 90% and need external valiadation. My ex if she is still there, chose a guy to spend 40hours frying chicken carcass on a grill with of her young life and new infactuation. She goes home smelling of onions, I do not.

clvrnn, she insulted your hygiene, you were depressed - YOU - had needs. What made you depressed anyway? never mind, what should have helped you out.

the therapists would have just taken my cash, go home to a comfy couch and see me the next week. Their knowledge limited to - themselves - and their academic training.

There is usefuleness inthis, but still - only to an extent.

what does the "real" cromwell do? as much asthe "real" authentic "clvrnn"?

and if this is inadequate - is their any scope for change?

she had to go, clvrnn, I would I palm striked her jaw across the room.

the anger, the 2017, drug induced emotional mess Cromwell. Anger induced, the victim of lies and a multitude of mind games. Then some academic masturbator tells me I have "anger issues" who hasnt lived my life, proclaims is an an expert in empathy but actually has none.

this is a quest to find yourself clvrnn, and no-one else can do it. no pontificating, patronising (narcissitic themselves) book, or pod cast will substitute.

its not for me to say "she sounds like a b1tch, give her a slap"

i was born in a dinosaur culture where that is ok, that is me, and also Ive had to learn to detach from too and see myself as isolated from "culture".

you have felt suicidal, her behaviour in this is suspected as multifactorial contribution - yet - you have dealt with it. Strong stuff clvrnn, not long to go, sail through it and I hope the net effect is you get over the depression too and maybe work on the self esteem, drop a bit of the ego which is the source of so many other young women's internal strife. The comparison to each other, the inner negative self talk.

capitalism is the root cause that makes people depressed. There is a new one for you and this board too. It wants you to be fat, it wants you to be insecure. Easier to exploit a non-assertive, sheep herded population.

i mean what exactly does "pretty" even mean. it is such a subjective, personal term clvrnn, unique to you. but you use the word in such a nonchalant way as if I am suppose to latch on to it and understand - perhaps culturally - what you are trying to say.

I dont! my idea of pretty I know.

describe her, and at least I have something to relate and imagine. These apps, there is so much deviancy in it, ive been catfished and all sorts. I think it is a modern day curse to the self esteem of young people and the origin of a lot of mental health suffering. I never had to go through it and feel better for it. Facebook is an evil, closed-system designed organisation founded by another narcissist twerp. Yet if you say you dont use it, you risk being seen as "maladjusted from the herd"

GOOD

as much as I was "maladjusted against the herd", when I had my first girlfriend from the internet in 1998 and that was seen as "weird".

clvrnn, be your own woman and tell the rest of them, your ex included, "suck onwhatever orifice suits"

there is nothing wrong with you clvrnn. at least, once through this you dont have to wade through it at my age, its long done, dusted, got over with.

she will be a speck on the landscape of a life expectancy of 80 plus in the western world. "if" you choose to make-it-so.

stop torturing yourself clvrnn. Take the fuel out. There is nothing "pretty" I have ever read in how you describe her. Im honest on these boards - there is nothing I ever read that provokes more than "wtf are they so mesmerised and entranced by, they all sound like losers".

to waste life over. I have no answer why I Did the same. only that I stopped.

do you really want to be here in March 2020. serious question? I know I dont. Depressing thought. But possible, right?
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« Reply #14 on: November 09, 2019, 11:53:08 AM »

That was a great reply Cromwell, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Confronting her in person, no. I tried that a few times before and she does this thing where she either shuts down or practically runs out of the building. I don't really want to make a scene in front of classmates, either. I could wait for the opportunity but what am I gonna say in a classroom or on a train - "why aren't you talking to me??!!" she won't tell me or talk to me in any of those settings, not the way I would need.

The only thing I have is the damn email. I did write out a completely unfiltered email - in the past my contact's always been strategic, so as not to aggravate or to trigger engulfment, or whatever. This email just says it all, everything I want her to know. She probably wouldn't read it.

You say that most people on here describing their partners - the partners sounding like 'losers'... I don't know about anyone else but my ex is a bit of a loser, I know that. She did insult my hygiene and then went on to abuse me in front of her family with a completely unjustified rant, who does that.

I want to just stop thinking about her and get on with things, i really do. I don't want to still be here in 2020 going on about this stuff at ALL. She certainly isn't thinking about ME

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« Reply #15 on: November 10, 2019, 06:56:34 AM »

The only thing I can think to do at uni is to try a bit harder in sitting where she isn't,

clvrnn,

I understand this is hard.   I hear how you are struggling.   I know you feel horrible.   

Let's dig deep again.   Okay?    Bare with me.

I don't see this as so much about where you sit, or where she sits.    No, it's not helpful that she's in class with you.   Yes it's painful.    I know.   I have been in yours shoes.   These seems to be much more about what YOU think about where she sits.   

Ever hear of Ruminations?    Ruminations.    Most of your posts here are about her,  what she's thinking,    wondering why she did something.    there has been very little new contact between you.   you continue to relive the contact you do have with her and subscribe meaning to it.    usually negative meaning.    you have fused with the idea of what happened between you and are living it over and over again.   in ways that are painful.     it's rumination.

Excerpt
Rumination is the focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions.

everyone ruminates.    Rumination re-injures you.   Rumination deepens the wound you experienced.     some times you could say rumination is 'automatic negative thoughts'.   some times you could say rumination is living our script.   ruminating re-enforces the negative thought.   ruminating cuts the wound deeper.    the way you combat rumination is to begin to reframe the automatic negative thinking.    to begin to tell yourself a new story.   you can slowly and surely reframe your thinking into new patterns.

you can rewrite your inner script about this, you don't have to be here in a year going on about all this stuff.   the answer is inside you.   you have the ability and the talent to change this.

Excerpt
Excerpted from: Inner Strengths: Contemporary Psychotherapy and Hypnosis for Ego-Strengthening by Claire Frederick and Shirley McNeal

Survivors of trauma, neglect or abuse often suffer from chronic depression or anxiety because of a lack of tools to restore a sense of well-being and balance. We tend to experience ourselves—consciously or unconsciously—in terms of how others view or treat us. 

This often becomes the script or blueprint that dictates and frames our choices, our responses, and our self-perception as valuable and powerful, or just the opposite. Subconscious narratives—stories that we tell ourselves—form the basis of how we see ourselves and present ourselves to the world.  I guess I’m always a screw-up. Most people are [prettier, smarter, richer, etc.] than me. I will never be admired.

Everything we do is colored by this ongoing narrative, whether we realize it or not. We sell ourselves short, don’t speak up, and accept abuse and disrespect. But that narrative is not about who we are, but rather about what we have been told we are. Knowing this, truly recognizing this and understanding this, is the first step toward rewriting the script of our lives.


I could give you 15 different reasons why she blocked you.   and 15 different reasons why she sits where she does.   and I guarantee it won't help you feel any better.    because the subconscious narrative playing in your head is 'she never really cared about me',   'she certainly isn't thinking about me'  'maybe she is over me and has moved on'.    as long as those thoughts are looping through your head your not going to feel better.     you can begin to reframe those thoughts.    obsessively focusing on what she is thinking, or feeling or doing is feeding the distress.   the truth is you don't know what she is thinking or feeling or doing when she comes and sits in class.   she's not telling you and you are not a mind reader.

I really really hope you can begin to put those thoughts away.   push back against them.    and begin to train your thoughts to what a good person you are.    what a great job you are doing.    how you've gotten through the first semester at class.   how you've done and said everything you could possible do to the best of your ability and it just didn't work out.   that you are okay.    that things are going to be okay.     

To move forward you have to let go, look at the next stage and focus your mental and emotional resources to climb up this step.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396

'ducks



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« Reply #16 on: November 10, 2019, 12:13:02 PM »

I agree with Cromwell and Ducks with the fact that we could sit there and analyze situations for ages or try to "figure them out" yet we won't be able to.
My doctor said this one simple phrase to me when I saw her after my breakup and asked for some situational drugs to help me focus on my studies. I had exams and I was VERY SAD and couldn't concentrate on my studying it was irritating me that all I could think about were the things you're thinking about now...every time I'd try to study, and sit in quiet, I'd cry or lose track of my thoughts.

My doc said this to me, so simple yet so effective: "SG, You're NEVER going to understand them because their brain works different than yours. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure him out or why he did what but the reality is, he's mentally ill. Focus on bettering yourself now. You're not feeling well."

My doc also told me that her husbands family has people in it who are diagnosed bpd or disordered so she gets my frustrations and how frustrating it is to not be able to properly communicate with someone the way we would, as healthy adults. But there it is. I know she's not a psychiatrist, but even my T has said the same thing.
My T has offered different perspectives, however, which make MORE sense because clearly I wasn't thinking about his hurt when he says hurtful things, I was thinking about MY hurt.

In order to somewhat accept them and overcome the analyzing, we must realize this: whatever they project onto us, or whatever hypocrisy we face with them is all due to THEIR hurt. Not ours. It's the famous saying for partners of pwbpd "it has nothing to do with You."

This sentence must be fully accepted before even considering to be with a pwbpd because I guarantee you , 99.9% of the arguments etc. has NOTHING to do with you. You're just the target of blame. And we've ALL done this. I did it when I was a kid.... mind you, I don't do it as an adult now... but as a child, I remember being hurt then lashing out on my parents because I knew they'd love me no matter what. They were my "safe target."
I think, in a sense, pwbpd are the same. Their emotional maturity is stunted at childhood. They behave like a child. So imagine all the things you did/might've done as kid, think about your logic behind it AT that time, and apply it to them as adults. 

It makes no sense now because we have emotionally grown so we no longer behave and think like children (most of us, anyway... I have my childish immature joking moments-haha). But in terms of communication, thought processing etc. , us non's are not like pwbpd. My huge issue with my ex was I kept seeing him as a non.... kept being puzzled by his actions and asking questions like "why" or asking myself "how could he DO THIS???" and be so upset... and got myself worked up over things I clearly could NOT control.
I've come to accept the place where his pain was coming from. I'm not justifying it... but he was insecure. and that's ok.... everyone gets insecure. It's just clearly how he handled it wasn't the healthiest. He made up accusations, etc. which I've seen on this forum now, is very similar to other MEN with bpd.

Women with bpd also seem to have similar traits like your ex and other exbpdgf's of other members.... I encourage you to keep reading people's threads on detaching. Cromwell's story I'm sure is relatable to you.
The only thing that sucks for you right now is you're in HER environment also. You're in HER space also. This is VERY tough to allow you to move on. So when this term ends, can you pick different classes? Can you to talk to someone to be in a diff class at all? some school authority? Explain your situation? Teachers etc are VERY understanding when explaining troubling situations emotionally..... I know it seems scary and vulnerable to bring it up to them but this is very hurtful and painful for you right now.... until the term ends, what will you try and do for self care? What are you doing right now for self care?

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« Reply #17 on: November 10, 2019, 08:02:21 PM »

That was a great reply Cromwell, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Thank you Clvrnn, for treating me gracefully here.

You deserve better, at least I believe you do than a drunk induced ramble, I apologise to you. 

There is stuff here, real work to do - when it comes to wishing to forget - it has to become unimportant enough to qualify as "forget worthy"

It was wrong for me to assume that when you said she criticised your personal hygiene that I inputted my own word "insult".

the gulf between criticism and insult, is vast.

there is constructive criticism to consider for example.

We can talk about it, if you feel there might be more to it? I think there could be.

The not talking to you - could it be selective mutism? Just a thought.

Im curious if you ever sought out that book I mentioned before, or if you forgot? Margaret Mahler, The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant. I read to the end of chapter 3 and it was enough.

It helped, it got me thinking from a different angle. But it had to have happened at the time it did. I note that no-one has swooped in and red penned it as "warning-junk psychology" previously.

I - was - insulted on my personal hygiene clvrnn. I didnt change, until the night I went to sleep with her friend, I scrubbed up well for that. Where there is a will, there is a way.

For all my personal hygiene faults, none of them were irreversible. It takes 3 weeks before teeth need polished and brushing wont do. What type of personal hygiene issues are not irreversible. I never slapped her, I never made my hands irreversibly "dirty". I kept the same t shirt on I slept in the night before, in my own home, in my depressed state. Still in the midst of that, gracefully, peeling off and washing her own putrid socks, it took me a week to find the delicate art of managing to persuade her - so not to cause it to be taken as an insult.

thanks for helping me through this Clvrnn,

the historic personal hygiene incident quandary, squared away finally.

One thing less to think about.
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« Reply #18 on: November 11, 2019, 08:57:34 AM »

Thank you all for the replies, I'll try to address each one.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)ducks - I have been looking at rumination and techniques to try and combat it, so thank you. I ended up writing a list of my common negative thoughts, and thoughts I can try to replace them with. It has been hard to do as it involves catching my thoughts before they spiral, but the times I have managed to stop them I do notice a difference in the way I feel. I still see that there is a lot of work to do, though.

The thoughts are constant and if I'm honest, seeing her at uni only seems to provide my brain with new information regarding her - as Cromwell said, she isn't giving me the time of day, but it is hard to not see or notice her. For example, while waiting outside for a class to begin, she stood less than a metre away and I could hear everything she was saying, I even heard her laugh. I tried to block it out, but I couldn't. Then my brain latches on to this and it's more information, if that makes sense.

@secretgrl - I can't change classes, and I've already tried speaking to tutors etc, it's too difficult to really get them understand what I mean and as for moving classes, yeah there are just the classes you're in and that's it. There are no other set of classes that I can join, we are all on the same year of the degree.

@Cromwell - Her personal hygiene comment was in direct response to me saying that I'd like to carry on hanging out with her, during the very first time she distanced herself due to her "overwhelming' feelings. I had said to her that I understood she was feeling apprehensive about dating, and that there was no pressure, and it would be nice to see where things went. Her direct reply, in a paragraph, was that not only was she feeling apprehensive, but there was an issue with my personal hygiene that turned her off.

I thought it was odd to mention that, as it was a bit personal and when pressed she said it was because I had worn the same t-shirt two days in a row. At the time I knew I had done that, but I had made sure the t shirt was clean, I remember washing it the night before I wore it again, as I was already conscious of wearing it again because I knew I was seeing her again that day. I was a new first year and wasn't going in smelling or being scruffy, I was making an effort. I wouldn't go somewhere like uni in smelly old clothes. If it was supposed to be constructive criticism, she (IMO) did it in the wrong way. Most people say it in another way, not in a paragraph of reasons why she can't date me, and wouldn't that be something she'd tell a friend or something, as to why she can't date me? Not tell ME, the person it's about? Maybe it wasn't an insult, but I still felt offended and didn't see why that was mentioned.

Selective mutism, I doubt it. she has mentioned in the past that she avoids people due to feeling overwhelmed/anxious, and has done it to other people in class before when she's fallen out with them (her other friend). I don't even know if it matters anymore. The fact is that its the final year and it doesn't look like she's ever going to talk to me again.

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« Reply #19 on: November 11, 2019, 09:02:28 AM »

I am starting to think that there just must be something wrong with me. I don't feel as if I"m getting over it. I wake up every day in a different state of mind, it just goes in circles. Every time I see her I am just triggered again. I want to contact her every day. I feel like I must be at fault for the way she shouted at me in the sister's house, or have done something wrong since then. I really appreciate the help and support I'm getting on here and try to apply a lot of the thinking and methods to help me, but it feels like I'm unwell or need professional help and I don't have the money or means to get that for myself

I've got the uni counselling, and that does help to talk to someone, but I think this whole thing has affected me a lot more than I think it has and it's not just a case of a difficult break up. Other than confront ex in uni I can't think what else to do. No point confronting her anyway, she shuts down and walks off and I only see her in class. She will not talk if I ask to talk to her outside or meet up after class. I feel way too anxious to approach her and there are too many people around. if I email her she'll ignore it. I can't call her because she blocked me. There isn't that much time left in the course and it looks like I'll just have to live with this forever. I feel like I've gone mad
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« Reply #20 on: November 11, 2019, 12:08:32 PM »

I am starting to think that there just must be something wrong with me. I don't feel as if I"m getting over it. I wake up every day in a different state of mind, it just goes in circles. Every time I see her I am just triggered again. I want to contact her every day. I feel like I must be at fault for the way she shouted at me in the sister's house, or have done something wrong since then. I really appreciate the help and support I'm getting on here and try to apply a lot of the thinking and methods to help me, but it feels like I'm unwell or need professional help and I don't have the money or means to get that for myself

I've got the uni counselling, and that does help to talk to someone, but I think this whole thing has affected me a lot more than I think it has and it's not just a case of a difficult break up. Other than confront ex in uni I can't think what else to do. No point confronting her anyway, she shuts down and walks off and I only see her in class. She will not talk if I ask to talk to her outside or meet up after class. I feel way too anxious to approach her and there are too many people around. if I email her she'll ignore it. I can't call her because she blocked me. There isn't that much time left in the course and it looks like I'll just have to live with this forever. I feel like I've gone mad

Hey clvrnn,
yeah you probably have PTSD type symptoms from this r/s and not only is it hard but it's harder because you're around her still... NC is the only way to ACTUALLY get over our exes I think (bpd or not). It's so easy for us to get sucked back in... or, even just trigger the stress, depression, and anxiety in us.

Going to see your uni T helps. I'm sorry you can't change your classes and that they're set... that makes it very difficult I'm sure.
Do you journal?
I find that helps me a lot whenever I'm angry, sad, etc. I get it all out in my WordPad right away and then it feels like a huge release... I also do a lot of training and yoga. That helps me immensely.
And I would say I'm a very no bs person... which took me a long time to also tame. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) years... after my parents died, it helped a bit because I gained much more empathy and compassion for others' emotional pains BUT my ex (which I suspect has BPD), had some sort of weird power over me (prob due to his intensity). So anyone, I mean ANYONE, can fall for bpd's or disordered people but I think it truly comes from us... no matter how strong we think we are or thought we were, there are some underlying issues, I'm sure of it.
Deep down we must figure out why we are attracted to emotional abuse, etc. Or , if we want to be with them, how we can deal with it. Lots of people on this forum say that we must learn an entire new language basically... and that's no easy task.

What I'm starting to learn along this journey is that I cannot control anyone but myself. I know it's been said so much and I sound like a broken record but it's true. No one holds any power over you nor I. That's something I think we must learn in order to truly be happy alone. We must be happy alone and not rely on them for our happiness. As codependents, that's difficult. And it'll probably take a long time for us to get there. It's ALWAYS easier said than done.

I only have just begun my journey. So even though my ubpdexbf hurt me, I am grateful for him in a way. He has truly challenged my own self worth and well-being. He has put my emotions to the test. I am SO unhappy with how I reacted to many of his episodes... that's one thing I must work on myself. I have always prided myself being honest, upfront, communicative, spilling my emotions. But I am NOT proud of the times I reacted with some words I'm not proud of just to defend myself? Why should I need to defend myself if I know deep down I'm a good person? I'm sure I could have also tamed a lot of his episodes by not JADE-ing. He's a quite high functioning uBPD.
These are challenging questions and it'll take you a long time so be patient. For now, I think, it's important to focus on your self care... It helped me immensely after my breakup. That, and the journaling, and of course , you guys on BPDFamily. I am lucky I found this boardroom and can talk to all of you and you can relate and put in time to reply to my posts.

How do you think you'll try and overcome your feelings at this point? what will be your next step? 

I watched this video the other week by Ashley Berges explaining why a r/s between a codep. and BPD won't work.. if you have time or feel like it, watch it Smiling (click to insert in post) let me know what you think. I related a lot with it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5Fe1ea9BNs


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« Reply #21 on: November 11, 2019, 05:51:25 PM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I feel your pain, buddy, I really do.  I have read some of what has been written here by you and others, but I will read through it more carefully when I have more time.

I just needed to say one thing to you:  her ignoring you, and chatting happily with others, is all about POWER and CONTROL.  Most (all?) people with BPD crave power and control because they had little to none of it when they were growing up in an invalidating environment.  Since they typically feel totally OUT OF CONTROL inside, they seek it elsewhere by using these cruel strategies against former loved ones.

Her behavior is ABUSIVE.  You are being actively abused by a person who wants to teach you a lesson for some reason.  That reason will never make sense to you, so stop trying to figure it out.  Whatever the reason is, it has NOTHING to do with YOU!  She wants you to hurt as much as someone made her hurt - maybe a parent.  This is not your battle, man.  Let go of this abusive struggle. Ignoring you is just another form of the Silent Treatment, and we all know how corrosive that is!  Her behavior is immature, but that is no surprise - if she does have BPD, her emotional and interpersonal skills are stuck at about age four.  Do not let yourself be torn up by a four year old!!   Believe me, we've all done it, and I wish someone had kicked some sense into me early on.  Now I'm trying to do for you what I wish someone had done for me - to save you from spending one more minute in this rabbit hole!  Don't wait until you're "ready" to let her go.  That's a trap.  You must let her go even if you're not ready.  She is eating you alive with her behavior and for all you know, she is enjoying every minute of it!
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« Reply #22 on: November 11, 2019, 06:38:14 PM »

In regards to the silent treatment... no, I know she does do that but I think I have had to frame it in a different way, so as not to agitate my anxiety. Really, we are just two people that dated almost 10 months ago - if we weren't at uni together, it's unlikely we'd ever speak again. So why would we speak at uni? And this person has always made it clear that she isn't that emotionally driven/mature, so I don't really expect much closure or sentiment from her. Yes, she is abusive, but I have to just look at the facts; there's no reason for us to be speaking, anyway. I think it's better for me that we don't, otherwise I'd be hanging on to even more hope.

In other news, I think she is involved with/talking to someone else. This is obviously painful, but again, it's been almost a year since it ended. This means that I can't really send any emails or try and approach her, which I was thinking about doing. This means I am invisible to her and she doesn't care what I want, anymore (did she ever?). I found out she was chatting to this person while sitting directly behind me in a lecture (don't ask how I know this, really don't wanna get into that) so my actual physical presence doesn't matter to her. She's able to chat to a new interest while sitting behind me.

Honestly, I just wanna get the hell out of the uni and move on and heal without having to look at her or dread going in, in case (like the other day) I go to sit somewhere I like and she's already there, or encounter her outside a room, or some other rubbish. I just wanna move on. She clearly has.
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clvrnn
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« Reply #23 on: November 11, 2019, 06:40:17 PM »

Also, a few posts up, I posted something I'd wanted to send to her. Don't know if anyone can help me write something to send... too often I'd send something crafted for her and her BPD. I just wanna write something unfiltered, to express how I feel. Doesn't matter if she doesn't read it. I know she has met someone else and it's clear it's over, doesn't make a difference at this point.
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« Reply #24 on: November 11, 2019, 07:10:11 PM »

Honestly, sometimes I don't even know if she did have BPD. Maybe it was just that she just wasn't that into me - she'd say all the time that I wasn't her type, and she was never that affectionate to me in public or over messages. I never felt truly desired by her, and it always felt as if she just capitalised on the fact that I liked her, so used me for company/sex. She even said a few times that had I not been funny, we'd never have dated, because I wasn't her type, physically.

Perhaps I was just a mere gap-filler while she continues to search for the love of her life. That's what it feels like, actually.
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« Reply #25 on: November 11, 2019, 07:25:54 PM »

I don’t really think there’s a point to saying anything else to her or trying to approach her. It’s not going to make a difference or make her feel bad. If anything is felt, it would only be annoyance that I can’t just move on and leave it alone. It’s not going to erase the pain, or make her change into a better person. It’s not going to make her take me back or start talking to me. It’s not going to do anything. She’s not going to apologise. She is also potentially involved with someone else, and while her mind is full of that person, it will only amplify the negative feelings she has towards me. So why bother? The only move left is to just keep my dignity and remain silent, and get through this final year of university. That’s all that is left for me.
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« Reply #26 on: November 11, 2019, 07:50:07 PM »

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

The only move left is to just keep my dignity and remain silent, and get through this final year of university. That’s all that is left for me.

Yes, but we know this isn't easy.  In a nutshell, though, I believe this is the path that will lead you back to yourself and away from a relationship, BPD or not, that fell short of being the best for you.  Breakups are tough stuff any way you look at it.  Having to run into her all the time at university sounds hellish to me, so I am not surprised that you feel the way you do.  I live in the same TOWN with my ex, and still I worry about running into him.  I can't imagine being in class or on campus with him!

In most of these cases, particularly if our ex has BPD or BPD traits, closure and being able to have a mutually helpful conversation about how and why the relationship ended is almost impossible.  If she does have BPD, she is unlikely to be able to take any responsibility for her role in the relationship or the ending of it.  To admit to that would be a mortal wound to her, and she just won't let that happen.  That means that we are left with having to do all the "work" in processing the end of the relationship.  It doesn't seem fair and it isn't.  Unfortunately, though, it may be the reality.

However you decide to go forward, don't forget that we are in your corner and want the best for you.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #27 on: November 12, 2019, 04:33:40 AM »

Thank you for that really lovely reply, I really appreciate it.

No, I'd rather just not see her at all, but it can't be helped. I realise now that my urge to talk to her was to find out how she felt about me, whether she hated me, etc. But after finding out that she is talking to someone else, I know now - she just isn't thinking about me anymore. I doubt, as you say, that she will bother to have a final conversation with me, nor does it bother her that we are not going to see each other again after this uni year ends. It's not fair, and it's really painful, but there's nothing I can do.

The thought of trying to approach her now that she's involved with someone else seems utterly pointless. I am very sad that this is how things turned out. I really liked her for a long time, before we even dated - to find out what she was like and to be at this point where we don't even talk anymore... it's just horrible. I wasn't going to go into uni today because I didn't want to be triggered, but I can't just sit at home forever and miss out on everything. I'm gonna have to go in and just sit somewhere where I can't see her at all.
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« Reply #28 on: November 12, 2019, 05:01:51 AM »

I realise now that my urge to talk to her was to find out how she felt about me, whether she hated me, etc. 

clvrnn,

going back to the person that caused our wounds, to try and heal our wounds, never works.    it just causes more damage.

what ever she feels about you now, does not change who you are.   you are a good and talented person.   bright.   loyal.    resilient.

healing yourself is a gift you can give yourself.    looking to her for answers, closure, healing and calm has not provided what you need.   indeed it has made things worse.    time to turn the focus on what you can control..... what you can work with...………..yourself.     you can do this.

'ducks
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What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
confusedbybdp

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« Reply #29 on: November 12, 2019, 07:46:45 AM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Let's see.....sounds like we need to come up with some de-stressing (not distressing  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) strategies when you're in class or on campus. 

You know yourself best, and the idea is to have a set of activities/distractions you can turn to.  For example, if I were in your situation, here are some things I might do....just thinking here, so these may be off the wall or not helpful to you!  We'll keep working on it until you have a few "tricks" in your bag that will get you through the tougher moments.

First, can I ask if the most troublesome time is before the class actually begins, but after you have taken your seat?  How do things go once the class has started?  Are you able to focus on the instructor or is that difficult?

Okay, here's my list:

Earbuds - music or TED talks, whatever you enjoy and that will focus your attention.  You need to get into YOUR reality, not hers, during these times.  The idea is to focus on something other than her.

I honestly would literally MOVE my seat if she sat down next to me.  Maybe you or others here would feel that this is giving up ground, but I would do it and see if it helped.  Can't hurt you more than you're already being hurt, and I would actively work on ignoring any feelings that I shouldn't HAVE to move.  If she were a mature person, she would know that if she can't acknowledge you or be civil, she should give you the courtesy of not sitting right next to you.  But remember, she is not behaving in a mature way, and is purposefully triggering you.  Try thinking of it this way....if she smoked, and you didn't, wouldn't you get up and move away from her?  Protect your physical zone.  You have every right to do that, and it's more important in the long run than standing your ground.

Do you read, write, or draw for pleasure or distraction?  If so, bring a book, a writing pad, a sketch pad, and focus on that after you move away from her.  Try to focus on things that make you happy, that you are grateful for (make a list and review it often)  or write about your goals and plans for the future. 

Start a blog, and work on it while you're waiting for class to start.

Anyway, you get the idea.  1) move, 2) protect yourself from disrespect, annoyance, and triggers (this is you taking control, and it is your right to do so), and 3) distract yourself/do something that gets your mind off of where she is and what she's doing.  That will probably annoy her or drive her crazy, so that's an added benefit.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  She may up her game to get under your skin, so just stay focused and cool.   Being cool (click to insert in post)

AND MOST IMPORTANT, EVEN THOUGH WE ARE NOT IN CLASS WITH YOU, WE  ARE JUST A FEW CLICKS AWAY!  You can do this!!!   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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