Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
November 14, 2019, 12:11:09 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, FaithHopeLove, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, formflier, GaGrl, Longterm, Ozzie101, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
84
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Help me with full detachment.  (Read 125 times)
Xeonrebel
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 53


« on: November 09, 2019, 09:23:57 AM »

Hi. I dont know if somebody can help me. I want to fully detach from my ex-gf, emotionaly that is. The background in short is that i was in a long distance RS, 9 years, discarded about 3 months (september), left for some other guy, cruel discard i might add, no closure, no thanks (i helped her with a course) silent treatment, blocking, baiting and ghosting a month later... because of that i chose to dissapear from social media for about a month, i came back yesterday, my new GF help me with opening a new facebook account and she help me block my exgf along with her family and the new guy. she told that she saw thay my exgf is now posting pictures with the new guy (she didnt post pictures with him for about a month, and she didnt post pictures me during this 9 years..) and in those pictures she's going to some soccer matches that i used to go with her during my visits (long distance RS).
The thing is that, im feeling much much better, actually im not hurting anymore neither from her silence or lack of gratitude, even im stop caring less and less that she's with somebody else, im happier with my new girlfriend, is a woman whom im known for almost 9 years as well, and she's literally been supporting me during this process as she's a psychologist as well and has been helping me with this.
so, what do i need, why am i asking for help? well, you see, like a said, with my exgf i used to go to some soccer games (we are from mexico), soccer games which i show her at the beginning of our RS since she didnt know much about it, and that she's going now with my replacement. the thing is that i want 2 things: i want to go with my new gf to those soccer games which i really like and i dont want to think about my exgf everytime i see those soccer matches on tv, thinking that she might be there with the new guy. My girlfriend told me that as long as i dont fully detach from her (emotionaly i suppose) i wont stop thinking about that situation. she told me as an example that one way of thinking things was, for example, if the soccer team advance to quarter or semifinals, instead of thinking, "damn, she's going with that guy to that match" i should think, "hey!, they are on semifinals! time to get some tickets and my plane tickets and go to that match!!"
its been said over and over on other forums (quora for example), that an important part of no contact is not going to the same places i used to go with my exgf. but lately i have found that's not fair. she was the one that dumped me, gave me silent treatment, didnt have gratitude nor respect as a human being even i can think that she despice me, even showed me contempt towards me.
so, any help to finish my detachment and go on with my life with the things that i liked without thinking of her is appreciated. Thanks!!
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10015



WWW
« Reply #1 on: November 10, 2019, 11:43:33 AM »

Hi Xeonrebel,

I'm sorry that you're finding it difficult to enjoy your live matches without thinking about your gf. I can understand how going to the same place that you both frequented together would trigger memories and feelings about your ex.

I've heard similar things to to not frequent the same places when you were together, I've heard a number attached to like 12 months . Detaching is not linear, it's not a one size fits all if someone wants to go to a venue that they used to go to as a couple and feel like they can endure it then go ahead and do it.

That being said, it is going to take a matter of time to process this break-up there is no magic pill. Refer to the lessons at the top of this board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0 If you feel like going out with your new gf then go for it, think of it this way instead of saying that you can't go because your ex is there then go and see how you feel and you will be able to gauge how you feel the next time that you want to go to a match. If you feel like it's difficult then at least you will know that you are not ready. You will be able to go and see your soccer games but perhaps for now it will be by watching them on TV, it won't always feel this way.

Do you used to go to the same seats or the same area frequently with your ex maybe find different seating if you did so there are less chances of being reminded by your ex or running into her with her new bf, and remember that you are going with your new gf so you will have that emotional support there with you.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
2020 'Family Fund Drive
Record privacy is important and we are fully insulated from advertisers and from the data collection industrial complex of facebook, apple, google, and Amazon. How do we do this? We (members) fund the site together. We own the servers, the email system, and our own "cloud". BPDFamily a safe place to seek support - emotionally, electronically.
Together, we are making a difference in people's lives.
318
gizmo7247
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 51


« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2019, 01:49:04 PM »

Hi Xeonrebel,

I can eerily relate to what you're talking about. I first brought my ex to comedy clubs a couple years back, she loved them. They became a routine thing for us. Oddly, I heard she would go to them after we split - even though I can't stomach going back now. It's a little unsettling to be honest.

Movies were also one of our big things - especially superhero movies (I grew up a bit of a comic nerd and she adopted my love for the movies.) I have not been to a movie theater since we split.

For me, it simply wasn't worth it - not saying I'll never go back to movies or the comedy clubs. But for the time being, I'm better off staying away.

In your case, since you have new GF who you like very much - perhaps going with her will help? The first time might bring back old memories - but eventually you overwrite those old memories with new ones (with your new GF)? 

Logged
Rev

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced
Posts: 34


The surest way to fail is to never try


« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2019, 02:21:44 PM »

any help to finish my detachment and go on with my life with the things that i liked without thinking of her is appreciated. Thanks!!

Hi... I am well trained in helping people deal with grief - which is what you are going through right now.  Sounds like you have a great relationship going so that would be a real help there. Are you able to share some of how the relationship made you feel in such a way as to put distance between you and that?  The idea is to talk about your feelings then and not your ex-girlfriend. If your new girl-friend does not want to go there with you, then respect that. You can always do that here whenever you get triggered. 

A rule of thumb is one month for every year you were together before you find the level of detachment you are looking for.  And that of course depends on so many circumstances.  Every situation is slightly different.  You say that it was a pretty rough discard - so closure will take longer. The closure you are looking for will need to come from you - which will be a gradual process. Each time you get triggered and you talk about it and you give yourself the chance to build distance from the previous relationship.  Closure eventually comes when you realize how your new life is better - not because your ex girlfriend is gone - but because of your new life all on its own because of how you have grown.

I hope this helps.  Obviously this is not all of it.

Bottom line - keep on doing what you seem to be doing in your new life. Eventually, bit by bit, the old feelings will fade.

You are on a good road.

Blessings on your new relationship.

Rev
Logged
Xeonrebel
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 53


« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2019, 03:22:22 PM »

Hi rev, first of all thank you for your reply as well the replies of other members. about my feelings. you know, this FOG really lift with time. between me and my gf i have been able to identify some key aspects of my past RS, starting for the lack of respect and some NPD traits that im seeing right now. about my feelings, they were all over the place weeks ago, between anger because of the way she did things, literally no goodbye, no gratitude, no nothing! just plain contempt, and she baited and ghost me about 3 weeks ago and i had to leave my social media for about 3 weeks after that, only to find out that it was just all smoke and mirrors since now shes uploading pictures of her with the replacement on facebook, a thing that she hadnt done before those baits, then sadness for the lost of the relationship and the ideas for the future and sadness for finding out that she truly wore a mask during the last 2 years of the RS.
im ok now, im feeling empowered, thats why i returned to social media, obviously i blocked her on every social media ive got and i havent contacted her nor i wont do it ever again in my life and thats when i found unfare that while she's having the time of her life even going to places where we used to go i was not, so i would like to go those soccer matches with my new gf. on the other hand, we are going to a concert this friday and we are making plans to go to toronto this next december. so the soccer matches can wait until next year, maybe i will be feeling even more empowered then. we are even talking about getting married on octuber 2020 since we have been friends for almost 9 years, so we know each other very well, we are always joking about that before being a couple we were  friends like dr house and wilson.
so i might wait to go to those soccer matches, i mean, they are always going to be there. i dont know what you think?
thanks!
Logged
Rev

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced
Posts: 34


The surest way to fail is to never try


« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2019, 03:54:07 PM »

obviously i blocked her on every social media ive got and i havent contacted her nor i wont do it ever again in my life and thats when i found unfare that while she's having the time of her life even going to places where we used to go i was not, so i would like to go those soccer matches with my new gf. i dont know what you think?
thanks!

So yeah - If you don't want to go to the soccer games, then you don't. And no, it's not fair - and unfortunately, fair is not going to be part of it in the normal sense of the word. The day I blocked my ex wife on social media she uploaded a whole bunch of pictures of her new supply.  Like you, my ex has many signs of NPD too.  So the only "fairness" you will find is exactly what you are doing - growing into a new life that allows your "old self" to come back.

Interestingly, I too have someone new - someone with whom I have been friends for 3 1/2 years. I too stay away from certain places. I too battle every day. I too had my emotions be all over the place. Anger was the most difficult one to keep under control. I now have a "cease and desist" letter that my lawyer wrote her so she leaves me alone - for me the fairness in it all lands there. She is not and will never be happy. My anger prevents me from blaming myself. Frankly, it is sad to be a pwBPD.  What a hard and terrible existence. What is fair for me is that I am free, and in my work, I am better able to help people, men especially, be free.

So keep moving in the direction you are moving my friend. Do not loose sight of the the friendship part of your new relationship. Let the love and romance grow from there.  It will last.

Rev
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2020?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

2020 Fund Drive - BPDFamily is a valuable resource.
I applaud the work you all are doing here, together. It's why I have recommended BPDFamily in my book "Abnormal and Clinical Psychology: An Introductory Textbook". I've found this site to be purposed, centered and accepting. It is an invaluable resource.
You are making a difference.
310
Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2019, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!