uBPD mom abusing dad and grandma

[blemc]

Hello,

thanks for this opportunity to share. I´m looking for emotional advice and support.
(Practical side of all this is being dealt with. Even though I am quite an emotional wreck, I´m abe to take steps to change the situation - to stop making grandma stand and walk and to hire more professional assisstants to help take care of grandma.)

My mum has uBPD, dad acts as her emotional support, sister is mentally very frail, brother is on low contact and then there´s me (29, working). Mum, dad, mentally frail sister and 93 year old grandma (mum ´mum) live together in a house, I live in a shared flat not far away. I learned to some extent to set boundaries, moved away, worked with guilt and emotional enmeshment and scaled down contact so everything kinda worked out.

Then in October 2018 gradnma became ill and inable to take care of herself. I took the blunt of it, cared for her intensively for two months and took on coordinating helping professionals. Meanwhile my mum was emotional and physical wreck. Now grandma´s state has worsened. Mum is trying to make grandma walk as long as she is able to (even though grandma´s left knee is in danger of giving in and she´s moaning from pain each time she stands up or has to make a step). Dad and me are the only one who is able to help grandma into standing position. But there has to be one of the two of us three times a day. We both have jobs though. Because of time and emotional stress I started neglecting my other duties and my own emotional needs.

Mum herself is ill, stressed and desperate, so the rage is just under the surface. She explodes whenever somebody says anything not in line with her demands - and she breaks down whenever somebody says something about grandma being weaker. Last two weeks she is on the verge of emotional breakdown.

I hate being there. I hate how my mum yells at grandma and tries to forcefully make her stand up. I hate how she verbally abuses and bellitles my dad. I hate to see him more and more tired. I hate the thought of leaving the care just to him. I am afraid mother will terrorize him to death. I hate listening to grandma painful moaning and repeating "I want to die". I hate seeing dad complying to mum´s wishes out of fear that she breaks down (she had psychotic breakdown 30 years back). I hate the sight of dad searching for her socks because she overlooked them in the drawer and then threw a tantrum that somebody took them and that he must find them or else. I hate how she is acting more and more like spoiled brat. I hate the guilt trap of mum acting/being physically weak and frail and using that as an emotional blackmail. I hate not being able to be on top of all that.

I love dad, grandma and mum - although she is impossible hard to live with. I know everybody is responsible for their own well-being, myself included. I understand that mum won ´t change and dad will probably continue to enable her. I can do S.E.T. and support her over the phone. But when I am in the house, it just gets too much. I´m just so exhausted, crying every other day, hating to go to the house and witness the abuse and the misery.

Don´t have much time for self-care, but am trying to find some more, I also contacted a therapist. Cannot withdraw from there for at least next two weeks, before we have enough assisstants. But still, the knowledge that she is harassing my dad, grandma and sometimes sister on a adaily basis is gnawing at me and tearing my heart apart.

Any emotional support and help deeply appreciated.

[Methuen]

Hi blemc
I shared a somewhat similar situation about 15 yrs ago when my father had already been diagnosed with Lewy Bodies - a form of dementia, and my mother was unable to cope.  He was in his 70’s, and she in her late 60’s at the time. Your paragraph about all the things you hate struck a chord with me, because my mother was treating my father terribly, due to her inability to cope.  
  Rather than going into details of what it felt like for me, let me just say that a lot of us here have experienced something similar to what you are going through.  It feels so out of control and aweful and kind of hopeless.  
  I can say that as aweful as it is, eventually that situation will pass.  You may wonder or feel like you don't know how you will get through it, but you will - and eventually the situation will unfold and evolve, and pass.
  It sounds like you are already putting measures in place to increase supports- as did we.  I can’t  emphasize enough the importance of self-care.  You say you cant withdraw for at least two weeks, but if you are experiencing crying every second day I think its very important to up your self care right now.
   You are already way ahead of where I was because you already have a T, and lots of strategies for working with ubpd mom, whereas 15 yrs ago I had none of those things.  Despite this, it sounds like you are still struggling, so self care = self preservation.  You wont be as effective at helping your family if you are unwell yourself.  
  I have recently downloaded an app called Headspace (recommended by my T), because although my dad passed away 14 years ago, I still have my ubpd mom who is now 83 and out of control.  Like you, I was doing well with the self care, but sometimes the self care we are doing is no longer enough, and we need to add more self care.  Do whatever works for you - massage, a walk, time with a friend away from the situation?
 Just do more of it.  
  Also - set boundaries.  I am learning to do this now.  
I hope the situation with your grandmas health and your moms behavior shows some progress sooner rather than later.
  When I was going through this with my dad and ubpd mom 15 yrs ago, I also informed dads case worker of moms behavior.  You’ve probably already done this , but if not, it might be something to think about to advocate for your grandma.  Maybe it’s time for assisted living for her, to keep her and orher family members safe from your moms behavior?  And maybe it would also help us your mom, although she might be unable to accept that...?  Just thinking out loud ...not sure if it could apply to your situation .
Take care of yourself.     I’m feeling for you.

[zachira]

I feel I can relate to your pain and distress as you describe how your uBPD mom is abusing your dad and grandma, now that your grandma is ill and needs more care. The most painful and distressing time in my life was when my brother was dying of cancer and my BPD mom abused him, her favorite child and the one she expected to take care of her in her old age, and the abuse was so bad the social services had to get involved. My siblings with BPD also acted badly at this time and continue to do so.
I think you are very wise to go into therapy as this will give you a safe place to share your feelings and find ways to stay grounded and feel safer. You are also wise in getting more help for your grandma. In the meantime, you are trying to weather the storm. I hope you will soon find more time for self care. Posting here and expressing your feelings is a form of self care. Do you have a part of your day when you can do things that you enjoy and spend time with people that treat you with kindness and respect?
Do keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful. We are here to listen and support you any time.