FOG busters needed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I know the term- FOG.  I recite its symptoms to myself.  I warn others to stay out of it.  Yet, here I am again, in it.  Fear- that my adult son's depression since I separated from his (BPD/DPD) father is my fault. (Married 37 years- separated 2)  Obligation- There must be something I can do to make him better.  Guilt- if I had just stayed in the abusive marriage, and continued pretending that all was ok, then he'd be fine.  Writing this out helps to see how ludicrous FOG lies are.  I want someone to invent FOG glasses- so we can see it coming! Anyone?

On top of this, my married boys refuse to tell their kids ages 3, 4 and 6 that their grandparents are legally separated.  They are convinced that this will destroy them and breed seeds of fear that their own parents could separate.  So- I am limited to maybe once or twice a year short visits that do NOT include staying with them.  They live in different states- so I have to find another place to stay should I want to see them.  Thanksgiving?  My daughter (who lives with me) is invited to spend the holiday with them- but not me.  I know that I can't control their process.  I just never expected the most painful part of this journey to involve my kids.  They know what happened- one of them is in therapy for it.  Enough of my rambling...I need some FOG busters.  What truth helps you?

[Jersey G]

I know the term- FOG.  I recite its symptoms to myself.  I warn others to stay out of it.  Yet, here I am again, in it.  Fear- that my adult son's depression since I separated from his (BPD/DPD) father is my fault. (Married 37 years- separated 2)  Obligation- There must be something I can do to make him better.  Guilt- if I had just stayed in the abusive marriage, and continued pretending that all was ok, then he'd be fine.  Writing this out helps to see how ludicrous FOG lies are.  I want someone to invent FOG glasses- so we can see it coming! Anyone?

On top of this, my married boys refuse to tell their kids ages 3, 4 and 6 that their grandparents are legally separated.  They are convinced that this will destroy them and breed seeds of fear that their own parents could separate.  So- I am limited to maybe once or twice a year short visits that do NOT include staying with them.  They live in different states- so I have to find another place to stay should I want to see them.  Thanksgiving?  My daughter (who lives with me) is invited to spend the holiday with them- but not me.  I know that I can't control their process.  I just never expected the most painful part of this journey to involve my kids.  They know what happened- one of them is in therapy for it.  Enough of my rambling...I need some FOG busters.  What truth helps you?

[worriedStepmom]

I made a list of my truths (up to and including "my mother loves me") on a piece of paper and posted it on the bathroom mirror.  Every morning I had to look into the mirror and repeat those truths to myself.  It took weeks before I could finally get through them all without crying, and that's when I knew I was healing.

I'm sorry your children are being brats about this.  It is unreasonable to expect that your grandchildren will never find out about divorce.

[PeteWitsend]

...

On top of this, my married boys refuse to tell their kids ages 3, 4 and 6 that their grandparents are legally separated.  They are convinced that this will destroy them and breed seeds of fear that their own parents could separate.  ...

Your sons' fears are ridiculous, but I don't know if your sons need to provide them with details of what's going on.

My kids are around the same ages, and all I told them was that their mom and I were going to live apart because we fought a lot, and that it was a normal thing some parents decide to do.

My kids seemed to accept this explanation without too many follow up questions.  I thought it best not to mention "divorce" and teach them a new word, because I wanted to minimize the idea that something bad happened, or that they needed to fear a lot of changes and disruptions. 

Maybe my approach is wrong; their school counselor and therapist we got them definitely seemed to want to focus on the word "divorce"... but my kids generally ignored it, and from what I saw during meetings with each, focused on what was really important to them (like playing with the toys in the T's office!), so my gut is that young kids really just want to make sure their needs are being met, & their parents are still around in general, even if not together.  Who lives where and why are not any of their concern. 

I figure if they really want to know, they'll ask more questions as they get older. 

[MeandThee29]

Several from Al-Anon and other recovery groups:

The 3 C's...

We did not CAUSE it; we cannot CONTROL it; we cannot CURE it.

And the other 3 C's...

We don’t COMPLAIN; we don’t CRITICIZE; we don’t CONTROL.

It's been rough to learn that for myself, so I appreciate your difficulty. Young adult children struggle with divorce because it's a shattering of their entire childhood and who they are at a time when they are finding themselves. I've worried about both of mine at times, especially in the first year, but they are coming out the other side. I've told them very little about what is going on with the divorce other than what directly affects them, and I've found that they really aren't interested anyway. I also don't look to them for support. That comes from a few friends of mine and a relative.

The idea that very young children are going to project what is going on to the grandparents is nuts. They don't have that level of understanding, IMHO. Grandpa and Grandma visit separately. OK , they adapt.

[Panda39]

Fear- that my adult son's depression since I separated from his (BPD/DPD) father is my fault.

It is okay to take care of yourself and put yourself first, not only is it okay it is essential.

Obligation- There must be something I can do to make him better. 

The only people we truly control are ourselves.

Guilt- if I had just stayed in the abusive marriage, and continued pretending that all was ok, then he'd be fine. 

An abusive marriage is no good for anyone...he would not be fine, he and you and everyone in your family would be living in dysfunction.

You have made healthy choices not only for you but for everyone in your family...you are a catalyst for change.  Your son is uncomfortable with that change.  As much as you want to fix him, his feelings etc.  Your job is to feel uncomfortable letting him feel uncomfortable as he works through this himself.

On top of this, my married boys refuse to tell their kids ages 3, 4 and 6 that their grandparents are legally separated.  They are convinced that this will destroy them and breed seeds of fear that their own parents could separate.

Your son's are projecting their own fears/or twisted ideas onto their kids here.  I doubt it makes any difference to your Grandkids if you are separated or not, at their age they likely only care about seeing you and their grandfather.  Married/Separated/Divorced you are still their Grandmother that's all they know.

I'm sorry about Thanksgiving their behavior is hurtful and mean.   

Panda39

[Jersey G]

Thank you all for your responses.  My daughter and I met with my married sons and their families the day after Thanksgiving for breakfast.  The adults all pretended that all was well given the grandkids were there.  I had a fabulous time loving on my grands but realized that I'm not used to pretending like that anymore.  It was good to discover that there has been some growth on my end!  I was actually invited to see my grandaughter dance in the Nutcracker next week- though it was made clear that I wasn't allowed to STAY with them. (To which I said, I hadn't planned on staying with them anyway- truth!)  Our meeting last Friday was a start...the first time we were all under the same roof without their father. 
I don't get on here often...but when I do, I am reminded that I'm not really crazy and I'm not alone.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.