Went NC today

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

Im not with my exBPDgf since a month or two (it was a weird process), this was 4 year weekend rs, we engaged year ago. Week ago I picked few last things from her. We were still friends on fb.

I read much about borderline in the last days. Im not a newbie, but I read now about detaching. I decided I must go no contact, as most people encourage.

After short contact about it that Im sorry, I removed her as friend on fb to not see her (avatar and activities) anymore. I felt very unconfortable about it.

She is sick, but she tried so hard, I know. This devastates me. Yes, I feel guilty.

I feel extremly lonely. Yes I am the lonely child.
I am the frog prince, the hunter and what not.
Im tired and depressed. I take ssri antidepressants since a week. I think Im in depression since a year anyway bc of death in family and my recent health problems.
At the same time unexpected financial problems and problem at the job.

I dont know. I hope that going NC was a good decision. I hate the timing of it, it was an impulse.
Im very tensed about everything, I could talk all day about it l, but I have very few friends who would understand. Also im not sure if talking about how it was, what was it like, etc. is good or healthy. I feel I know nothing.

[Hidden Dragon]

Hello,

Im not with my exBPDgf since a month or two (it was a weird process), this was 4 year weekend rs, we engaged year ago. Week ago I picked few last things from her. We were still friends on fb.

I read much about borderline in the last days. Im not a newbie, but I read now about detaching. I decided I must go no contact, as most people encourage.

After short contact about it that Im sorry, I removed her as friend on fb to not see her (avatar and activities) anymore. I felt very unconfortable about it.

She is sick, but she tried so hard, I know. This devastates me. Yes, I feel guilty.

I feel extremly lonely. Yes I am the lonely child.
I am the frog prince, the hunter and what not.
Im tired and depressed. I take ssri antidepressants since a week. I think Im in depression since a year anyway bc of death in family and my recent health problems.
At the same time unexpected financial problems and problem at the job.

I dont know. I hope that going NC was a good decision. I hate the timing of it, it was an impulse.
Im very tensed about everything, I could talk all day about it l, but I have very few friends who would understand. Also im not sure if talking about how it was, what was it like, etc. is good or healthy. I feel I know nothing.

[gizmocasci]

Hidden Dragon,

I'm sorry to hear about the pain you are going through.

Go get yourself a journal and write your heart away. Also if you can afford it, go seek out a therapist. Don't keep your feelings inside, it'll make things worse. Do what you can to release all the energy.

No contact is extremely hard, but in my opinion a must. Just take it day by day.

Best of luck.

R

[Hidden Dragon]

R

Thank you very much for your support.

[Rev]

I dont know. I hope that going NC was a good decision. I hate the timing of it, it was an impulse.
Im very tensed about everything, I could talk all day about it l, but I have very few friends who would understand. Also im not sure if talking about how it was, what was it like, etc. is good or healthy. I feel I know nothing.

Hey Dragon,

So much of everything that you wrote resonates.  One quick thing - what does the abbreviation "rs" mean. I have seen it before but can't find a definition for it.

Anyways - I'm not sure that there's ever a great time to go NC. I did.  It hurt. It hurt alot. I felt like I was punching her in the gut. She was shocked. I know this because people told me. It took a few weeks to to get over it. I'm still not over it completely.

BUT - and it's a big but - she left me no other choice. Otherwise she would have dragged this on - forever.

What has worked for me - maybe you can adapt some stuff here for you.

Training my brain every day to learn to realize that BPD people do not think like others. So to try and make sense of something like that would be to eat something that I was allergic to yesterday hoping that today it will be miraculously different.

Reading and going back to the articles that right my thinking.

Being conscious of my emotions like they are bruises to my soul. It's an image that works for me. So I give my soul the break it needs. I avoid certain places and certain conversations. I was an athlete so it's a recovery image that works for me.

Imaging a newer life that I will grow into gradually, knowing full well that I do not want her as part of the new life. Passing through the grief process is all about that. Growing into a new life means bringing new skills to affirm the old self that you know is still there, but maybe harder to find right now because certain people are gone.

Trying as best as I can - and this is the toughest part of the process for me - to understand that the failure here is not mine so much as her not wanting to benefit from a loving relationship (with all its faults because certainly I am not a perfect mate). If she did not ultimately want what she said she wanted (and she did all the BPD things to idealize in the early days) then that is not my failure. It is her pattern - and i need to realize my own limitations. I am out gunned here. Here condition is not mine to cure or fix, because I can't really.  And there in lies the pain - at least for me.

Yours in friendship

Rev

[gizmocasci]

Anyways - I'm not sure that there's ever a great time to go NC. I did.  It hurt. It hurt alot. I felt like I was punching her in the gut. She was shocked. I know this because people told me. It took a few weeks to to get over it. I'm still not over it completely.

BUT - and it's a big but - she left me no other choice. Otherwise she would have dragged this on - forever.

Rev,

This rings so true! I hurt so much for having to turn my back on her, but for my own sanity, it's something I needed to do. I think of her everyday, but I know a happy/healthy relationship is just over the horizon.

R

[Hidden Dragon]

Rev, RS is relationship.

First off, going NC was a good choice I think. It was another hard day, but better than looking at social media which was a hard trigger for me (even the avatar). 'Out of sight out of mind' works for nons in some extent too.

I dont think that she cares very much that I blocked her, bc of splitting. She is cold and cool, at least it seems so. She retreated first, and bc of splitting is emotionally far far away. But she answered to my messages so I had the chance to tell my reason (own health) for stopping communication and received an ok. I didnt tell that it means 'unfriend' too but I think she understood it. She has a daughter and pets, she is in good situation (for a break up).

I now accepted that I need help more urgently than her. Its now the harder part. Instead of constantly thinking how to help her I must act for myself. Very difficult bc of depression and anxiety.
As you advised I'll try to take it day by day.

[Hidden Dragon]

It got only a tick better but it is still disastrous.

My ex fianceee is numbing herself with speed. She did it since I said that I will move out, if she does not give back a shelter kitty for her daughter (I didnt knew at the moment). I am allergic to cats and it would deteriorate my health. She couldnt understand and she said that it cant be the reason, she will clean everything etc. But I said no.That was the break up reason, it was a month long of argument, which - as I see now - was silent treatment from my side.

I triggered her so much. I first stopped talking and eating with her. I thought it is a good idea to show her that I will not accept the cat. She tried to talk many times but I knew her only option was the cat so I didnt want to talk. I said cat or me, and that was everything what I said. I was dumb could explain in a loving way, but all my hate that Im never the prioriority in this relationship surfaced. See saw that hate and splitted me black. I feel very guilty that this hate in me showed up. My friend who saw her made a comment that she possibly now does speed and yes that makes totally sense. She looked extremely bad when I picked forgotten jacket. She is now a victim, she really is.

I hate it so much. I loved her, this was a recycle relationship, we were together 20 years ago, she was my first love. In those old times it was a pure BPD nightmare with cheating drugs and everything.
This recycle after years was other, she tried so much. 4 years. She had typical BPD incosinsistency and all the other things, but it worked. I accepted that she is very childish, it was cute. What triggered me most was her parenting style. Her daughter bacame everything and used her. They were symbiotic or they raged on each other. Typical BPD with push pull. I hated that Im always the third in this relationship.
I think that her daughter and her wanted a cat, and  they took it. I dont know if it was a projection but she said that it cant be that the cat is a break up reason and the cat stays. Im dont understand poor shelter animals. I said that she doesnt understand allergies.

So now Im in depression, because I lost her. She was so lovable. Yes she controlled me with sex, but her other weapon was the household, she was a perfect housewive. I mean really perfect, with warmth love and best food. I thought I will marry her in a year or so and we will get a kid. Yes she had unstable mood and was very reactive but I didnt see any signs of cheating. She was drinking daily a beer or two, that was what nerved me most. But even that she stopped for last half year, until the cat meltdown came.

Now I really feel guilty. I could have talked to her about the cat but I simply shut off until she said please go away, the cat stays. She started to drink and do drugs. When I picked last things it was devasting to see her beauty disappear.