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Author Topic: When my child shuts down and won't talk  (Read 375 times)
desperado13

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 6


« on: November 11, 2019, 06:54:19 PM »

My 20 yr. old daughter has BPD.  I first recognized it when she was in 9th grade.  I've come to a place of loving detachment (most of the time) with her.  I pay her rent, but otherwise, she is on her own in another city.  She refuses to communicate with me at times, and I'm used to that.  But I notice that her illness seems to be worsening, so that scares me.  I wish I knew a way to encourage her to talk with me about herself without letting shame and anger overwhelm her and shut her down.  I truly want to be her ally and support her, though I recognize I am powerless unless she chooses to allow that.  I've been treading water watching her suffer for 2 yrs. alone (mostly miserable) after being kicked out of high school, and I am looking for magic words/ a magical approach to help her talk to me and feel less alone.  She has no steadfast friends and her sister refuses to speak to her, so there is literally only me in her life.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLove
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Shaky
Posts: 1606



« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2019, 08:24:22 PM »

Hello Desperado
Welcome to the parents group. I am glad you found us. It seems you have already gone through quite a lot trying to care for your BPD daughter. It must be terribly disconcerting to think her condition may be worsening. You say she lives on her own. What else are you comfortable sharing about her life? Does she have a job? School? Hobbies? Most importantly is she in therapy? I ask because the more complete our picture of her the more we can help you figure out your next steps.

In the meantime what are you doing in the way of your own self care?
Hugs
Faith
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desperado13

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 6


« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2019, 11:29:35 AM »

Faith-- Thank you so much for reaching out.  My daughter began showing signs of oppositional defiant disorder very early-- maybe 3 yrs. old?  There is now research showing a link b/n kids with ODD and BPD.  My child spent 5 yrs. from the age of 11 to 18 in therapeutic residential treatment because of her oppositionality which made it unsafe and untenable for her to live at home. Heartbreaking.  She is, as many with BPD are, smart, creative, funny and compassionate (when she wants to be).  She lives in a big city far from me and works intermittently in the adult film industry (another common thread for people with BPD).  She drank too much and quit alcohol on her own.  She smoked too much weed and developed cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome, so she cut back to a level that doesn't make her sick. She got her h.s. diploma through an adult school in 6 wks. after being kicked out of h.s. mid-year in 11th grade.  She is very strong.  She cannot keep friends, so she is utterly alone except for me.  Her one sister has stopped communicating with her.  She is on public assistance and occasionally has a therapist, but her many years of therapeutic treatment soured both of us on therapy.  I have often presented to her the way to find a therapist who uses DBT or other methodologies shown to help people with BPD, but she won't investigate them.  Any help she gets has to be her own idea.  She was arrested and was required to get help through a non-profit but drifted away from that group.  I've lived the eggshell life for years (along with countless arguments with her)-- I learned that it is pointless to try to talk with her about her life, because she shuts down and refuses to talk.  This is a pattern that has "worked" for her for years-- we were almost never able to have family therapy at her treatment programs, because she wouldn't participate.  However, the not-talking and watching her get worse is really troubling me.  That's why I reached out to this group.  I'm pretty well versed in self-care, the most important aspect of which is not letting my child live at home.  I have a full life of my own and have been able to stop obsessing about her for the past two years (except during crises). Prior to that, she was on my mind 24/7 for over a decade. I have belonged to a parent support group for families whose kids went to therapeutic tx for many years;  most of their kids are doing better than mine, so it is less support for me at this point.  Thanks.
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FaithHopeLove
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Shaky
Posts: 1606



« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2019, 12:02:34 PM »

Thanks for providing more of the back story on your daughter. What is it you want from a support group at this point?
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desperado13

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2019, 04:25:00 PM »

What I am looking for is experience from anyone who has a kid similar to mine-- have you found ANYTHING that allows you to get them to engage with you about their lives and how to make them better?  I assume my child feels shame right now, and that is the current reason for her silence.  Last summer, she stopped speaking to me because I "abandoned" her by traveling out of the country for 3 months (aka "self care").  This feels different and more concerning. As my original post said, I'm looking for magic words or a magical approach to do what I have not been able to do.
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FaithHopeLove
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Shaky
Posts: 1606



« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2019, 08:50:42 PM »

Yeah. I would like magic words too. Sadly there are none. There is hope though. Things can get better. The more you learn about BPD and the more you put the communication skills into practice the better chance there is of your relationship improving. I am a witness to that. My 25 year old son has BPD and drug addiction and is in big trouble with the law. His life is a mess at this point and he is miserable. I can't change that. But we do communicate sometimes. Not when he is raging but sometimes. We didn't before. The communication skills have helped. Want to give it a try?
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desperado13

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 6


« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2019, 10:31:15 PM »

Glad you have progress with your son.  I am definitely that far along with my daughter.  We have some lovely times together.  I've read many books on BPD and practice the communication skills I've learned.  Just hoping for more.  thanks.
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