I know I am not handling it well

[stressed]

Hi all,

I am a 48 year old woman who just figured out that my mother of 72 has BPD, its been a difficult and long road up to now.  I always knew she was more difficult than most.  I wished that I had a more stable parent all my life.  I have really based my life around my mother, catering to her needs, wants and desires.  I help her physically, and monetarily.  She says she is grateful and even makes a big fuss about how much I do but yet It is never good enough, she always needs more, she looks for things to criticize me with, she looks for fights.  I no longer disclose most information for fear this will start an argument.   I lie about things to avoid more confrontations.    I feel completely drained and responsible for her happiness. I feel trapped.   I don't know how to take a step back, she is alone in a house and needs help.  She has not made any lasting friends so I am all she has really.  She also has a fun, crazy side to her that is fun to be around.  But also a dark, scary side that cannot be calmed.  When I read about BPD, I could check all the boxes, it was really her.  I am relieved to have finally figure it out but now scared it will never change.   Where do I start to cope with this?     

[Methuen]

Hello stressed
Welcome to our support club!

she is alone in a house and needs help

Hmm.  This raised a yellow flag for me, because of where I am with my mom, and where I've come from in the last few months.  

I'm just wondering the following:
1.  What help does she (your mom) need?  Physical?  Social?  Emotional?  
2.  Are there other ways she can get help (other than from you?)
3.  Is there any chance she's trained you to believe she needs help, and you are the only one who can give it to her?

 

...big fuss about how much I do but yet It is never good enough, she always needs more, she looks for things to criticize me with, she looks for fights.  I no longer disclose most information for fear this will start an argument.   I lie about things to avoid more confrontations.    I feel completely drained and responsible for her happiness. I feel trapped.

Where do I start to cope with this?

If you are feeling like this, something isn't right in the relationship.  Healthy relationships should make us feel good about ourselves, and benefit BOTH people.

I can share a little bit of my journey.  Not sure if the things I have done will connect or be helpful for you, but here goes...

Things with my mom got exceptionally bad for me last summer.  Since then, I have done quite a lot of work on myself, because my mom isn't going to change (i.e. I can't change her - I can only change myself).  She's 83 and in declining health.  I started looking after myself in a few ways.  I found a new counsellor I am really happy with, and am seeing regularly.  I also try to get moderate to intense physical activity 3-5X a week.  I go to yoga once a week.  I have subscribed to a meditation app called Headspace.  I am 57 and semi-retired (with an empty nest), so I have a little more time to work on myself than I would have if I was still working full time while raising a family.  To be honest, my mom started getting worse (with me) after I retired.  I predicted that would happen because I knew she would feel she had more access to me.  I just couldn't have forseen it would turn out like this.  
   Another thing I did was go along to her Dr appointments (because she had fractures from a fall, and couldn't drive herself she needed me to take her so I went into the consult room too).  There I advocated for home support for her.  Once home support was in place she started feeling better.  Then she pushed back and cancelled all the home supports I had put in place.  She also qualified to have a RIE assessment done (assesses needs for assisted living/complex care).  She actually qualified for assisted living, which made her REALLY mad.  She declined to go on the waiting list for assisted living.  But I have set a boundary for her...she knows I can't do everything for her that she wants/expects me to.  Right now she's probably relying on her friends more to do all the things I used to do (until she burns her friends out).  All this to say that another thing I have done, is start learning how to set boundaries.   I have also read 2 books (SWOE, and Surviving the Borderline mother).  Someone on this board pointed out to me some time ago that I needed to stop feeling my mom's feelings for her.  I feel like that was a turning point for me, because I didn't realize that was a problem until I was confronted with the idea.  Is that something you can relate to?  If so, learning to set boundaries, and starting to live your own life could be another step.
  It's hard, because I am an only child living in the same town as my mother.  But I was experiencing the same things you described in the paragraph below, along with a HUGE dose of FEAR of her.

...big fuss about how much I do but yet It is never good enough, she always needs more, she looks for things to criticize me with, she looks for fights.  I no longer disclose most information for fear this will start an argument.   I lie about things to avoid more confrontations.    I feel completely drained and responsible for her happiness. I feel trapped.

There's probably way too much information in my post.  I've only been on this board a few months, and maybe it would be better if I didn't lay all my strategies on the table at once, but I know I was desperate to learn what others were doing to cope when I joined this board. Since you asked "how do I cope", I thought I would share what I have been working on.  Since starting to look after myself, I have some decent days, and sometimes some bad days.  My good days are when my mom is having a good day.  My bad days are when she is having a really bad day.  I have seen the light and now see the pattern.  With all that I am learning through counselling, I feel like I am moving forward.  If I wasn't looking after myself, I don't know what would happen - but it wouldn't be good.  So we need to do what we need to do, to look after ourselves, even if our uBPD mom's don't like it.  

She also has a fun, crazy side to her that is fun to be around.

My mom is like this too.  Is there a senior's organization that your mom could join?  I live in a small town, and there is one here, although my mom opts not to do much there, but that is her choice.  I figure if my mom has emotional and social needs, there are many other people in addition to me who can fill them, if she chooses.  If she chooses not to, that is her choice.  But it doesn't mean I have to be the only one.

All this brings me back to thinking about the first 3 questions I asked at the beginning of this post.

We're here for you.  

[zachira]

By realizing your mom has BPD, deciding you want things to change, and posting here, you have taken the first steps towards making a better life for yourself. I wanted to say have a better relationship with your mother, yet given your description of yourself as the emotional caretaker who at times enjoys spending time with your mother, you are the person who can grow and change whereas your mother is likely to fight tooth and nail any changes in your relationship because she likes it as it is and has BPD, a personality disorder in which the ability of the person affected to change, grow, and see the point of a view of another is seriously impaired.
I recommend as a starting to point to learn what you can about having better boundaries with your mother. Know that your mother will likely do everything to make you want to give up on enforcing the boundaries, yet with time having healthier boundaries with your mother will help you to feel less overwhelmed by her behaviors, happier overall, and feel more confident in setting new boundaries.
There are many members on this site who have a mother with BPD and are dealing/have had to deal with similar challenges to yours. I grew up with a mother with BPD who passed away as an elderly woman this summer.  Keep us posted on how your are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.

[pursuingJoy]

stressed, so glad you're here. My uBPD MIL is also 72 and I'm pretty new to all of this, too. It's overwhelming. Take it a day at a time.

I don't know how to take a step back, she is alone in a house and needs help.  She has not made any lasting friends so I am all she has really.     

My H feels this with every fiber of his being. He is the only surviving child having lost his only brother and dad. I learned about BPD from our marriage counselor early on and I came here for help. He isnt ready to face his mom's unhealthy relating. I've had to give him space to come to grips with anything unhealthy at his own pace.

In MC we've started small, improving our own communication patterns and slowly setting boundaries with his mom. I'll give you a quick example in case it helps: visits to her in the past were open ended, all day, and revolved around meeting her needs. Recently we planned a visit as a family, complete with arrival and departure times and activities. We then invited her to join us. She wasn't thrilled, but she survived. Husband was relieved, he survived too.

I learned that we'll need to work practically to set boundaries, the progress will be uncomfortable for everyone, and it made me realize the intensity of the genuine fear they both feel.

Start small. What's something you can do today to start moving in the direction you want to go?

Like methuen and zachira said, we are here and we care. You're in good company!

pj

[Wellitried]

I'm a 40 y/o woman having to live with my 65 y/o uBPD mom. She also rages frequently and is a master manipulator. She's very abusive. I'd write more, but we had a bad day today, and I'm just whipped. Hang in there.

[Harri]

Hi Wellitried and welcome!

I am sorry to hear you had a bad day.  When you can, start a new thread and let us know what happened.  That way you will get focused support. 

Hope to hear more from you soon.

Again