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Author Topic: Conservatorship Update  (Read 427 times)
Turkish
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« on: November 16, 2019, 12:19:52 AM »

My mother was assigned a Conservator by the county over a year ago. A low functioning Hoarder with PTSD, BPD, Depression, that all came home to roost as she got older. 

The kids and I last saw her last January. We had two previous visit attempts which I aborted because D(then 6) was sick, last thanksgiving with influenza A (We had her tested, so much for last year's flu shot). No way would I bring her to a nursing home.

The January visit, my mom had no idea who we were.  My mom was combative, but they found the right medications for her. I first knew my mom was on meds in 1989. It didn't start well. 

A few months ago, one of my buddies, by happenstance, visited the nursing home for someone else. He lives in the adjacent county.  He saw my mom, whom he judged as happy. Despite knowing my mother for over 20 years, she had no idea who he was.  When he mentioned my name, she had no idea.  This tracked with my observation early this year.

In my mind, from my point of view, I'm glad that she's safe and taken care of, and free from her lifelong torment which is what I prayed for.  Logically, there's no reason for me to see her again, as it isn't helpful on either side.

Her Conservator called me last Friday.  I forgot to follow up.  I'm dealing with looking for another job after being here for almost 20 years. A large company took us over in fall of 2012. I'm sick of the games of thrones here.  A lot of us are.  My flexibility with little kids keeps me.  I turned down a shoe-in job recently. Too much travel with little kids. Selfish, perhaps, being stressed about such things.

The county has a lawyer as a check and balance. She called me to ask my opinion about how the Conservator was doing. Both of them are county employees. I've been copied on all court documents.

She asked me if I thought the Conservator was acting in my mom's best interests, and that if I thought that the C should continue. I told her yes, based upon the last document that I saw, and that about $2k from my mom's "estate" seemed reasonable compensation due to the C dealing with the feds (Social Security), her bank, the state of California and the nursing home.

Then the lady asked me the last time I saw my mom.  I told her what I said above, projecting her disapproval. Then I told her about my mom living with us and the false accusations of elder abuse, my mom calling the cops, threatening me,  Adult Protective Services involvement and investigation of me. I sensed some sympathy then. 

I need to call the Conservator back. I've only seen court documents, I've never talked to her.  I also have Christmas week off since I need to watch my kids.  Mom is 2.5 hours away.

Logically, I don't think seeing her would make any difference to her.  Or me.  Yet I have my kids I need to set an example for. They didn't really intuit the last time that she didn't know who we were.  Perhaps that isn't the point, and we should visit anyway, to do the right thing, to show my kids what is the right thing to do. 
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zachira
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« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2019, 12:28:17 AM »

Since your mom does not recognize you anymore at this point, it seems that what matters is whether visiting her would benefit you. I can't see your children visiting her if she is unable to appreciate the visit and would not understand who they are. We are told that we need to be there for our parents when they get old yet this is totally different when there is abuse involved, and the challenge is not to feel guilty if we don't visit or take care of our parents that abused us. Perhaps you are still wishing that your mom would treat you like you deserve even though you know that will never happen. In my experience, those of us who have been abused, will never stop wishing things could have been different or that we could get a sincere apology from those who abused us.
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Turkish
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« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2019, 01:16:03 AM »

Quote from: zachira
Since your mom does not recognize you anymore at this point, it seems that what matters is whether visiting her would benefit you. I can't see your children visiting her if she is unable to appreciate the visit and would not understand who they are.

I think we are of accord logically. 

The implicit or explicit, "but she's your mom!" Is hard to deal with.  I got it from my mom's neighbor/frienemy. And today, implicitly. Guilt sucks.
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« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2019, 08:48:09 AM »

It may not matter to her but I think it would help to consider it from you or your children's perspective.

Would it help you or them to see her? She may not know who you are. Would this help your children process the situation to see this? Or would it be too upsetting to them.

When my father died, he was angry at me, BPD mom was angry at me, and had painted me black to her relatives.

I seriously considered not going to the funeral. My husband was horrified that I was even thinking about it. Not going to your own father's funeral? People would consider this to be disrespectful.

But I was thinking in other terms. Why make the effort to be there with people who were not supportive to me and who didn't care whether I was there or not? I was grieving too and didn't want to deal with them.

But my kids wanted to go. They were attached to my father. They weren't part of the anger and drama in my FOO at the time. That became my reason.

I also struggle with setting an example. I want my relationship with my kids to be different than the one I have with my mother. However, as they have gotten older, they have seen me struggle with this- doing what I think is the right thing and also having boundaries due to her behavior. I've seen that- because they see me struggle with this, they know I am not being heartless or selfish.

I don't think there is a right or wrong here Turkish. It's what will matter to you and your kids. You even tried to have your mother live with you. I think you've done the best you can with a tough situation- and I think your kids can understand that. Also - if this is your special time with them, travelling to see your mother may not be the best way to spend time together. If you did make a go of it , is there anywhere near there where you can do something special too. Or just stay at home and do something special too.
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« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2019, 10:45:47 AM »

Turkish, if you feel you  can manage a visit with your mother,  ask the care facility if they think this would be a good idea given the last visit. Based on their advice, you could then ask your children what they would like to do. Give them enough information about the fact that their grandma probably won’t recognise them (but she might) because getting old sometimes effects peoples memories like that. They are old enough to make a choice based on their relationship with her albeit somewhat erratic, but they might still want to see her. And they might not.

Like NotWendy has said there are no rights or wrongs here. What matters is that you are alright because then in turn so will your children be.

What you wanted for your mother was for her to be safe and well, and for the most part to be free of torment. She sounds like all those things are taken care of.

Dealing with other people’s judgement of our life and family choices is best left with them. No one knows what you have done or been through. It is nobody else’s business but your.
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zachira
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« Reply #5 on: November 16, 2019, 11:26:54 AM »

I too got the "but she's your mom". It is very hard for others to understand what it is like to be abused by a mother. Most people are more comfortable believing that all mothers love their children and treat them well. To admit otherwise, would mean having to deal with the times when they didn't feel loved by their parents, and most people just don't want to think about that. I admire you for the courage you have shown in facing how you were abused, how you have seen that your mother is taken care of despite how she treated you, and the kind of father you are to your children. To me, this is all about boundaries, knowing who I can share with about what my relationship with my mom was really like and get a caring response, and who to just plain keep my mouth shut with because they will invalidate my feelings. Perhaps for you the biggest challenge is that you know that most people will not understand your situation with your mother. I find it quite painful to constantly hear about others caring for mothers they loved when I never had that experience, and maybe this is bothering you as well. You may be wondering what others think of you because you don't visit your mother, and I hope you know in your heart that you have gone above and beyond what most people would do for a mother that treated you the way yours did.  
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TelHill
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« Reply #6 on: November 16, 2019, 04:30:41 PM »

Am sorry you are going through a lot, Turkish. My experience with a cascade of stress is to think the worst.  Is it possible to scale back and make one decision at a time?  Maybe tackle the most difficult item first, take a long break, and go on from there?

Do your kids want to see your mom? I’m thinking it might be up to them to decide. Perhaps a social worker can be with your mom & kids during a visit if they want to see her.. Dementia is hard for kids to process. No need for you to go into her room.

Nursing homes aren’t teeming with visitors usually. Am sure the state conservator is aware of that. I wouldn’t worry about her reaction. It was not about you am guessing.

I watch daily Catholic mass online from Toronto because they the load the tape before their US counterparts do. That has been an eye opener about family & cultural differences. Homilies about family are about problems, abusive relatives  & unresolved spats. Rarely hear honor your parents.  It’s basically pray for them & suffer through it.

The US masses have the Hallmark version of families - honor your parents. They did the best they could.   Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)

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Harri
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« Reply #7 on: November 16, 2019, 04:43:19 PM »

Excerpt
The implicit or explicit, "but she's your mom!" Is hard to deal with.  I got it from my mom's neighbor/frienemy. And today, implicitly. Guilt sucks.

Can you take these others out of the picture Turkish?  Yes, it is hard to ignore when people say 'but she's your mom' and stuff like that.  It is frustrating too, or it was for me.   People have their own biases and opinions.  Why they feel the need to share them with us about such a personal topic is beyond me, but they do.  Let them have at it... in their own space.  We don't have to listen to it or consider it.

So if you take them out of the picture, focus on what you think is right for you today and resolve to be okay with your decision regardless of how you may feel in the future with hindsight and the dulling of time, what do you think is right and in line with your needs and values?

I went through that process when dealing with my mom being sick, he last days and then with the funeral and after.  Looking back now, I am okay with the decisions I made *for me*.  There are some things I would do differently today but that does not change how I feel about the decisions I made back then.

So what is in line with your values and your heart?  Other people do not get to define or decide this very private and personal decision, not for you anyway.
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