Vanished

[Yoke]

Is it normal that someone with BPD just vanish and leaves no trace at all.? Like she never existed..? No one of my friends, or her friends has seen her since we broke up. Is that not strange.. she lives in a pretty small village, me too. She works at a huge hospital in my city. But she is like a ghost... Is that a plan she made when she met me, and was that a plan of her, not see her friends so she could disappear easier? All her friends that wrote to me on messenger and threathend me there.. they have blocked me or just don't have messenger active anylonger. A coincidence? Please tell me if u have had the same experience as me... or do explain...i need to know so mu soul gets rest

[BrokenSpokane]

I would say, yes. My exBPD cut off, boom, no closure. Wants no contact, zero, zilch.

[clvrnn]

Sadly it seems to be the norm - no closure, silence, blocking, avoiding. Very painful.

[Yoke]

@Brokenspokane @clvrnn.. I could have guessed that. Have you thought of WHY they just disappear? My thought of it , is that they know they have done wrong and are afraid to get confronted by you/ friends. The reason they broke up with you.. at least what they say was the reason, IF they had any reason.. IS NONE.. because they feel engulfed but dont have the guts to tell you that. Because then you want to talk about it, but they don't because they have already moved on to a new target ...do u agree?

[BrokenSpokane]

@Brokenspokane @clvrnn.. I could have guessed that. Have you thought of WHY they just disappear? My thought of it , is that they know they have done wrong and are afraid to get confronted by you/ friends. The reason they broke up with you.. at least what they say was the reason, IF they had any reason.. IS NONE.. because they feel engulfed but dont have the guts to tell you that. Because then you want to talk about it, but they don't because they have already moved on to a new target ...do u agree?

I believe she's moved on to a new target, yes. But in my case, I left because I was going crazy. However, when I came back to talk, the emotional switch had been turned off and it was like talking to a brick wall. No emotion. She doesn't see her disorder, nor does she see any of the things she admitted earlier she was doing to push me away. Completely back tracked her responsibility and blamed me. It was easier to turn the emotional switch off and move on to the next target, I agree.

[babyducks]

hi Yoke,

a couple of thoughts to kick around.

BPD exists on a spectrum.   and no two people with BPD express the illness exactly the same.   like all people,.. pwbpd are complex, complicated and they behavior they exhibit comes from the  total of all the experiences they have had in life.   broad generalities can help put us in the ball field to discuss what happened but don't appear to help us learn what has been important about the journey we just took.   (one of the stated goals of this board)

because they feel engulfed but dont have the guts to tell you that. Because then you want to talk about it, but they don't because they have already moved on to a new target ...do u agree?

reading your comments one way... it almost sounds like you are saying they have a plan,.. self awareness, a deliberate master scheme.    so I am going to say No I don't agree.

my experience was that my Ex never experienced a stable loving reliable home as a young infant.   She never was able to form trusting and secure bonds with a caregiver.    What was imprinted on her psyche,  what was programmed into her personality, what she learned that 'love' was,... was short... intense,  untrustworthy, transient,  fragile.    She learned to grab as much love as she could and when it started to feel scary to run away.     This was mostly subconscious.    Nothing she thought deliberately about acting out as a plan.     Her deeply rooted understanding of love was that it lasted about 6 months... but it was never something you could trust to be there.     She repeated this pattern over and over.    It's called repetition compulsion.    Google if you are interested.

And if you think about it …. we do it too.    We were imprinted at a young age that whatever we experienced in our family of origins is 'love'.    If our families were very physically affection...likely we will be too.    If our families expressed 'love' as care giving or acts of care likely we do too.    I fall into this category.     I tend to use acts of care as ways of expressing and experiencing love.    9 out of 10 times if I am making a cup of tea,  and I am in a romantic relationship with you I will just make you a cup of tea too.     Now... you might not even like tea.    Might not be thirsty.     Might be annoyed that I am bringing you another cup of tea.     But I think of it as an expression of love.      I cared enough to give you something.

See my point?   We all assume that the way we express and experience 'love' is the bed rock, the ground zero, the absolute normal way to experience and express love, when in truth there is a lot of realities for 'love'.     For pwBPD 'love' can come and go rapidly, that is their  'norm' because that's the way they experienced it as a youth.    I am saying 'norm'   not 'normal.    It is an illness after all.

One of the questions many people have is why did the relationship fail.   Looking for one action,.. one fight … one thing that tipped the scales.   For me, what was true was that there was always a slowly growing pressure in the relationship.   My Ex was programmed to believe that relationships fail,    that people hurt her,    that no one could be trusted to stay,... and subconsciously and sometimes consciously she looked for evidence of that.    Sometimes she found it even when it didn't exist.

in a way it was a self fulfilling prophecy.    she was hyper alert, and hyper intense during the relationship and by being so... created a lot of what she feared.

my two cents
'ducks

[confusedbybdp]

 
All her friends that wrote to me on messenger and threathend me there.. they have blocked me or just don't have messenger active anylonger. A coincidence?

Hi Yoke,

I am so sorry this happened to you.  It's hard enough when someone leaves the relationship with no explanation or closure, but it must be so disorienting and painful when the person just disappears! 

As I was reading your piece, my first reaction was, "did something terrible happen to her, is she in a dangerous situation?" But the sentence I highlighted above, leads me to a different conclusion.  I think she poisoned her friends against you (very typical BPD behavior), and while she's probably still in touch with them, she has told them that she wants no contact with you, and doesn't want them to tell you where she is or have any contact with you either.  If this is the case, most likely it has nothing to do with YOU.  Whatever she is running from is in her head, and it will follow her unless someday she seeks help.   Is she scared, has she painted you black, has she discarded you, will she return?  Right now, we don't know, and we may never know.  One thing I'm pretty sure about - this is not the action of someone who is capable of having a mature, adult, and loving relationship with you.

Stay strong.  It may be a bumpy road ahead for a while, but you will get through it.   

[40days_in_desert]

I echo babyducks that it was most likely not planned all along and that no two people are alike BPD or not. Four and a half years ago I felt like my ex would prefer that I disappear from the face of the earth. None of us will never truly know the reason or reasons why. It is most likely a combination of factors in their mind that feel very real to them. What you can do is accept the "what" or her actions and how you respond to that with your actions and your emotions.

How are you responding emotionally to her "disappearing"?

When my ex exhibited similar behavior after our separation four and a half years ago, I internalized this by feeling like I was a bad person. Although I contributed to the failure in our marriage, it took a year or more for me to learn enough about myself to start believing that I wasn't a bad person. Self care, therapy, good (and safe) family/friends and time were the things that got me there.

[crushedagain]

Mine vanished, too. The reason I know it wasn't just from my life is because I got a text over 8 months after she left me from one of her "close" friends, asking me if I could have her call her. Obviously this friend didn't even know of our breakup and her disappearing act. It's wrong on so many levels.

[Yoke]

Thanx all. @babyducks
Excerpt
She never was able to form trusting and secure bonds with a caregiver.    What was imprinted on her psyche,  what was programmed into her personality, what she learned that 'love' was,... was short... intense,  untrustworthy, transient,  fragile.    She learned to grab as much love as she could and when it started to feel scary to run away.     This was mostly subconscious.    Nothing she thought deliberately about acting out as a plan.     Her deeply rooted understanding of love was that it lasted about 6 months... but it was never something you could trust to be there.     She repeated this pattern over and over.    It's called repetition compulsion.    Google if you are interested.

And if you think about it …. we do it too.    We were imprinted at a young age that whatever we experienced in our family of origins is 'love'.    If our families were very physically affection...likely we will be too.    If our families expressed 'love' as care giving or acts of care likely we do too.    I fall into this category.     I tend to use acts of care as ways of expressing and experiencing love.    9 out of 10 times if I am making a cup of tea,  and I am in a romantic relationship with you I will just make you a cup of tea too.     Now... you might not even like tea.    Might not be thirsty.     Might be annoyed that I am bringing you another cup of tea.     But I think of it as an expression of love.      I cared enough to give you something."  I know her childhood was a disaster with a drunken father who never told her once that he loved her, he broke promises to her, and so on. Her mother took her fathers side. So i know there was no love. And my ex was so sensitive too promises,, she memorized every word i said, twisted them towards me when she got angry, and made me feel doubt myself soo many times. She also lost a former boyfriend in an caraccident and got misscarrige because of that, so i know she had so much trustissues, fear inside her. But i really tried show her i was trustable. I showed her my soul, i never hid anything from here, i was honest and only loved her. But it was never enough. And i wonder still, WHY did she stay in our relationship for over eight months, engaged if she hated me so much? And why did she just disappear during a long periode of just love, no argues for months? Why just disappear?.. it hurts like hell this. Still.



Excerpt: .  I think she poisoned her friends against you (very typical BPD behavior), and while she's probably still in touch with them, she has told them that she wants no contact with you, and doesn't want them to tell you where she is or have any contact with you either.  If this is the case, most likely it has nothing to do with YOU.  Whatever she is running from is in her head, and it will follow her unless someday she seeks help.   Is she scared, has she painted you black, has she discarded you, will she return?  
 I think you are right, you that wrote this. She did turn her friends against me after she used them as a evil fuel towards me... why i dont know? How can a friend do so? You dont interfear in others rs when u are grown up. My friends dont do so. And i know that she still had contact with one of them during our rs, even if she said she had cut contact with her. And i know they went on a holiday this summer after breaking up and left me bleeding.. How can i stilldo feel for her? How can i care about her still? Defend her still if someone talks bad about her? How can i still love her?

Excerpt: Is she scared? " why and what would she be scared of,? Me? Please answer me and explain. Thanx!