15 YO DD cutting, violent rages, irritable all the time

[ErBear]

I'm new here and looking to connect with others with similar experiences. 

Our relationship has long been one of conflict but has grown so much worse in recent months.

I can do no right in her eyes and am frequently told that the only good thing I could do for her is to die, so that she can be rid of me and get my life insurance.  Her minor self-harm has recently escalated to needing 10+ staples for two deep wounds and several others that should have been stapled or stitched but were partially healed before she asked for help.  She has a terrible long vertical slice on her wrist and forearm. She must have carefully avoided the veins or she'd have bled to death.  The reason she gives for hurting herself is because she hates me, that I am such a terrible person, should never have had children, am selfish, am unliked and loathed by everyone, etc.

She destroys property when in one of her fits (dishes, photos, furniture, walls, door frames, etc) and has twice come at me with a knife.  All the sharps have now been removed from the house. I keep a few kitchen knives, scissors, and a razor for personal use locked in a box. 

She was suspended from school (1 day down, 4 to go) for fighting this week.

She started seeing a psychiatrist 6 weeks ago and has been prescribed Biphentin (which I think is Ritalin by another name).  Dose has been steadily increasing.  She resists taking it though and I have to badger her repeatedly almost every day. I don't trust her to take it on her own. 

I could go on and on... No diagnosis at this point. The social workers encouraged me to read up on BPD and look for family support - which has led me to this site.  I'm registered for a Family Connections course that starts in January.  Just trying to hang on in the meantime.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twocrazycats]

Welcome, Erbear, glad you found us and sorry that you are dealing with this.

I just wanted to say that if the medication is, indeed, a form of Ritalin, that my BPD daughter did so much worse on stimulants. ADHD was her first diagnosis, and she was treated with stimulant medication. It made her more angry and irritable. What did help my daughter's ADHD was guanfacine, since it is non stimulating. It helped with her impulsivity, too. I've just found that, in general, my daughter is extremely sensitive to any medication. Maybe yours is too? (Editing to remove question about age of your daughter. I see you posted that she's 15.)

That's great that you'll be doing Family Connections. I haven't done that yet, but would love to. I hope you'll keep us posted.
2CC

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Erbear
I join 2CC in welcoming you to the group. This is a great place to get help and support from people who get what you are going through with your daughter. It is good that she is getting help. Have you thought about therapy for yourself as well? Lots of us have found that it helps us keep our heads above water as we cope with our BPD children. We are here for you.
Hugs
Faith

[ErBear]

Thanks Faith and twoCrazyCats. I'm going to start working with a therapist on my own soon. (I was previously working with another psychologist, but her schedule was too full and I need someone I can see more often).

We have an appt with the psychiatrist in two weeks and I will ask about trying another (non-amphetamine) drug.  Aside from the emotional dysregulation, I don't see much in my DD's beviour that aligns with ADHD, although that was the direction the psychiatrist was initially heading, without making a diagnosis. She wanted to make more observations over time.

The profanity and vile accusations coming from my DD's mouth are really hard for me to take.  Any coping suggestions?  She also screams at me and the volume hurts my head, especially when she rages in the car.

I try to draw and maintain boundaries by telling her that it's not acceptable to say such things to me, and saying that I'm not going to help her (give her rides, run errands for her, etc).  She might cease the verbal abuse momentarily, but then it soon starts up again.  Sometimes I'm amazed (not in a good way) by how active and creative her imagination is - I'd never, ever do the types of horrible sexual things she accuses me of and I'd certainly never physically abuse anyone. I know that I'm not to take this personally, but the attacks are so personal in nature.

If I was in a chosen relationship I would absolutely leave and not look back.  If this was a co-worker or boss I'd probably quit but first make a harassment complaint.  If this was a neighbour, I would sell my house and move.

But this is my child. She's almost 16 and independence appears to be a very long ways off.

Any practical tips to help being on the receiving end of verbal abuse?

[twocrazycats]

Could you call the psychiatrist soon and ask if it might be beneficial for your dd to stop the biphentin now, and then, at the next appointment, decide whether to try a different medication? Stimulant ADHD medication made my daughter so much worse when she took them. And my son took them for longer. The short-acting ones helped him (he really did have ADHD), but even he, when he tried to all-day longer-acting version, became angry and aggressive when it wore off. And he is the kindest, most sensitive person you could imagine. Those medications are rough. I'm just thinking maybe stopping that med might help a little?

2CC

[FaithHopeLove]

My son abuses me verbally and by text. It does hurt. I cope with it by telling myself it is the only way he knows how to express his pain. Underneath it all he is trying to find love, albeit not in the best way. If it happens in person I walk away. If by text I say something reassuring and brief and he usually runs out of steam. It is good that you have established some boundaries. What happens if she violates them? Do you follow through on not doing her the favors she wants?

[Isanni]

I'm sorry to hear your painful experience. You are not alone.

My daughter - 15 - has been  cutting, talking suicide, perhaps attempts AND she blames all her 'depression' and anger and harmful behaviors on me. If I wasn't so controlling (we limit her electronics after learning she sent nude texts and is asking old men for money...) she would be happy. If I wasn't so this or that, life would be good. She even sent me articles on kids murdering their parents and the psychology behind it.

We've done all the parenting classes, therapy and have been told that she is projecting - it's too painful for her to own that she struggles so all of it comes out on me. She's told me to commit suicide - projection... At least that is what I've been told.

So we have a kid who's emotional regulation system doesn't work to her advantage and who is struggling to understand and accept that. Who wants to accept they are not like others (in a bad way)or that they need help - potentially meds & definitely therapy. Mom is the safest person to take that out on - we won't leave her!

The training I've been given - set firm boundaries and enforce them always, VALIDATE the feelings she has (hardest thing to learn for me), listen, listen, listen, don't save or solve, give and receive respect. Today, she wanted me to take her shopping for clothes (that she needs). But she wanted to wear her headset and listen to music while out with me because she hates me and doesn't want to talk to me. We did not go! I see her being kind to others, so know it's a choice with me.

It might be helpful to read up on why they cut and, in regards to bpd, how their emotional system is not functioning like yours might - and they really can't help it until they accept they need help and learn techniques to control it. I find it's easier to feel the love for her knowing how she struggles inside, much of it is genetic. They didn't ask for this!

[mariana1969]

Hello!  I am new to the group and also looking for a residential school for our 16 year old.  "They" were born female but are now transgender/non-binary.  We thought issues would be solved when we embraced the whole trans thing years  ago.  We have now just figured out it's BPD.  I suspected it for years.  Where can I send them?  The school district is great and I think they will pay for a good therapeutic school.  We are in California, but we know it will be out of state.  Right now, our teen in a local RTC facility until the district comes through with a placement or they get kicked out...

[Etsy]

Hi ErBear,

I am fairly new here too, having been here about a month.
I found the family connections course, really good, in fact I would say invaluable, it was educational, with so much information. I often find myself referring back to the course notes, which I completed 9 months ago. It was a very supportive environment from both the facilitators and fellow students. The course I did was based in the states, as there was no UK based one at the time.
I would say that there was a shift in behaviour (acting out)for the better in the house during and after the course - because of having a greater and better understanding. The course is a good foundation for moving forward, it helped me in not feeling so isolated, for me also a sanity check, for the complexities of the wide range of emotions we are on the receiving end of. Which for me made me question my self. Not helped by the fact that our system over here is so poorly educated on BPD, that some of these people will have you believe it is your parenting! Subjecting us carers to further emotional trauma.
Must come back and write some more, but need to dash out.
Do let me know how you find the course
Best wishes
Etsy

[wavewatcher]

Hello Erbear,
I totally understand what you are going through and I'm glad you also have found this site. I love the support and feedback here. My 25 y/o D was recently diagnosed with BPD but I've suspected it for awhile. It's so exhausting isn't it?  She is also dx ADD and Biplolar II.
We do the best we can. Taking care of our own selves is crucial. Keep posting.