Am I tired - or am I depressed - or what is i?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey wise-mind,

So just reaching out.  These past few days have been a little odd.  I am feeling somewhat empty - and my energy levels are not great.

Of course the days are short and I'm not getting as much exercise as I did earlier in Sept and part of Oct. Winter is here now.

I work with the public and this is never an easy time of the year.

So I get part of it.  And I am functioning at work and in my relationship.  And all of that. So while I am pretty sure that I am not depressed, the empty feeling I have is beginning to cause me concern.

Bottom line - I do not miss my ex - I am glad she's out of my life. I am rapidly even forgetting the day to day things about her - like her touch and the sound of her voice.  

What I can't seem to do is to continue the road to putting distance between me and the way she made me feel. It's like I have hit a plateau.  It's not getting worse, but it's not getting better.

Which makes me wonder now if the emptiness isn't really numbness.  

Thoughts?

Rev

[Rev]

Hey wise-mind,

So just reaching out.  These past few days have been a little odd.  I am feeling somewhat empty - and my energy levels are not great.

Of course the days are short and I'm not getting as much exercise as I did earlier in Sept and part of Oct. Winter is here now.

I work with the public and this is never an easy time of the year.

So I get part of it.  And I am functioning at work and in my relationship.  And all of that. So while I am pretty sure that I am not depressed, the empty feeling I have is beginning to cause me concern.

Bottom line - I do not miss my ex - I am glad she's out of my life. I am rapidly even forgetting the day to day things about her - like her touch and the sound of her voice.  

What I can't seem to do is to continue the road to putting distance between me and the way she made me feel. It's like I have hit a plateau.  It's not getting worse, but it's not getting better.

Which makes me wonder now if the emptiness isn't really numbness.  

Thoughts?

Rev

[lucidone]

Hey wise-mind,

So just reaching out.  These past few days have been a little odd.  I am feeling somewhat empty - and my energy levels are not great.

Of course the days are short and I'm not getting as much exercise as I did earlier in Sept and part of Oct. Winter is here now.

I work with the public and this is never an easy time of the year.

So I get part of it.  And I am functioning at work and in my relationship.  And all of that. So while I am pretty sure that I am not depressed, the empty feeling I have is beginning to cause me concern.

Bottom line - I do not miss my ex - I am glad she's out of my life. I am rapidly even forgetting the day to day things about her - like her touch and the sound of her voice.  

What I can't seem to do is to continue the road to putting distance between me and the way she made me feel. It's like I have hit a plateau.  It's not getting worse, but it's not getting better.

Which makes me wonder now if the emptiness isn't really numbness.  

Thoughts?

Rev

Hey Rev,

there are a stupid amount of things that can contribute to feelings of tiredness.
- nutritional deficiency (electrolytes, vitamin D, etc.)
- lack of sleep.
- lack of exercise.
- dehydration.
- lack of downtime (fun and stimulating activities).
- negative thoughts.
- something else besides your ex bpd that has got you down?
- too little carbs with an otherwise higher carb diet.

Do you drink an abundance of water?  Do you track your micronutrients every once in awhile to see if you're deficient in something?  Do you get 7 - 9 hours of sleep a night?  You stated you don't get as much exercise.  Do you think you get adequate amounts as is?  Do you work too much (and don't play enough)?  How's your mental state?  Are you a bit of a pessimist or have a negative attitude about things?

[boogs152]

I agree, there could be many factors contributing to your state of mind. Perhaps you need electrolytes for more energy.   

Other than that. Hang in there.


B

[Mutt]

I think that you mean that you feel stuck? What do you feel stuck with? Detachment?

[Cromwell]

Hi Rev

Consider indoor exercise, nothing too strenous. Build up fatigue - work stress, relationship ending stress, sometimes pushing ourselves to do more than we give the body rest. Do you use caffeine as an energy source, I do, it catches up with fatigue that the only thing that works for me is enforced rest. A holiday, even a weekend away, take life slower for awhile until the body catches back up. If these measures fail and this persists, id likely be getting myself screened to ensure there was not an underlying separate cause such as thyroid issues. Better to take some rest and catch up than to get to the point of collapse.  

[Longterm]

Hi Rev.

I think I know of what you speak. Does it feel like a deep, deep sadness? Not depression because you are functioning and getting on with life, a very deep and personal sadness.

I have felt this, not so much at present but it is definitely still there. My T explained that what is occurring is healing and one day I will break free from it. You are surviving right now and have become good at it, at some point this will transform into thriving.

LT.

[once removed]

It's like I have hit a plateau.  It's not getting worse, but it's not getting better.

this is often referred to as hitting a roadbump in recovery, or feeling "stuck".

it happens to all of us. some of us more than once.

while we can all get stuck in all sorts of different ways, and advice may vary, looking back on the times i was stuck, what i had to do was dig deeper. actively take my recovery to the next level. sometimes it meant facing some challenging, or painful things.

we often say "time heals all wounds", but it doesnt. it just dulls the pain. fully grieving, recovering, and emerging even stronger than before, that takes work and investment.

What I can't seem to do is to continue the road to putting distance between me and the way she made me feel.

tell us more. this might be a place to dig.

[Rev]

Hey Rev,

there are a stupid amount of things that can contribute to feelings of tiredness.

- nutritional deficiency (electrolytes, vitamin D, etc.)
- lack of sleep.
- lack of exercise.
- dehydration.
- lack of downtime (fun and stimulating activities).

Do you drink an abundance of water?  Do you track your micronutrients every once in awhile to see if you're deficient in something?  Do you get 7 - 9 hours of sleep a night?  You stated you don't get as much exercise.  Do you think you get adequate amounts as is?  Do you work too much (and don't play enough)?

THANKS!

I edited out the things that didn't apply from your original list.  This is what is left. Pretty substantial.  I am addressing this now. It will certainly help alot.

Rev

[Rev]

Hi Rev

Consider indoor exercise, nothing too strenous.   

Thanks for this... am conscious of taking the stairs all the time now... even when I'm feeling lazy.

Rev

[Rev]

Hi Rev.

I think I know of what you speak. Does it feel like a deep, deep sadness? Not depression because you are functioning and getting on with life, a very deep and personal sadness.

I have felt this, not so much at present but it is definitely still there. My T explained that what is occurring is healing and one day I will break free from it. You are surviving right now and have become good at it, at some point this will transform into thriving.

LT.

This is totally it.  Having words to put to it really helps me.  It is a deep sadness... one that goes beyond me and the trauma bond - that is pretty much over. Your point about thriving is really something for me to delve into.  I think part of this is "growing up" in the sense that clarity in my life, the pain of self-awareness has become something deeper and more substantial now... It's a little like watching an epic movie - and I will anticipate the "thriving" and wait for it with patience and perseverance.

Thank you.

Rev

[Rev]

this is often referred to as hitting a roadbump in recovery, or feeling "stuck".

it happens to all of us. some of us more than once.

we often say "time heals all wounds", but it doesn't. it just dulls the pain.

tell us more. this might be a place to dig.

This totally resonates.  And the image of "road bump" or "stuck" is a new one for me. I was in "one step back - two steps forward" mindset.  But you are right - I am "stuck".  And now I am feeling less stressed, because I have a deep spiritual life to draw on - and the patience to sit with this.

So - to tell you more.

Here in random order are the things that stick out -

I still grieve that I we met at all. I know that "all things happen for a reason" type of thing - but to be honest, I would have rather not had to go down that road. And it just really sucks.

I grieve that there are no responses that will bring closure to this relationship - no way to sit and "have my say" after having absorbed a truck-load of aggressive and threatening communication while I was busy getting a separation agreement in place. No small feat I will tell you. I have a cease and desist in place now. We both work in the same organization - I had to use legal methods to draw clear boundaries - she's a loose cannon with a history of aggression.

Which brings me to the next thing that sticks - I grieve that for white, alpha, hetero men, it's hard to use the word "abuse" and have people take you seriously.  I still suffer from the "but nobody will believe me" syndrome.  I am currently completing my masters degree in Psychotherapy as part of my professional work - My thesis will be on men's issues and Domestic Abuse. That's a double edged sword - redeeming on one level - triggering on another. My supervisor is watching me and we've identified "learning about self-care" as a secondary benefit for the thesis project.

Connected to this are feelings of helplessness.  The fact is that in the organization I work for, it would not be very long before I would be under review for suitability to continue my work if the roles were reversed and I had treated her like she treated me.  So I'm left feeling like I'm either a punching bag or that I hid behind my lawyer.

I think that is pretty much it.

Thanks for listening.  THIS SITE IS AWESOME.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Rev-

I get it, I truly do.  So Okay, okay... look at your complex carbs, your electrolytes, your protein intake, water consumption, your work schedule, sleep hours, social calendar, religious obligations, your exercise routine, the weather, reduced daylight, the outside temperature, the number of last year’s sweaters, your reading list, your football team’s playoff chances, etc...

And then.  Then... have yourself a good old fashioned all out CRYING JAG.  Close the windows, scream and yell and cry.  That just could possibly get you over that bump you’re stuck on.  I do this.  It helps.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[once removed]

I still grieve that I we met at all. I know that "all things happen for a reason" type of thing - but to be honest, I would have rather not had to go down that road. And it just really sucks.

my mother was probably my closest confidant during my breakup. she reminded me...just a couple of days ago, that i used very similar words at the time.

all things happen for a reason is a total cliche.

sometimes bad things just happen.

like you, Rev, im a person of faith. i believe that God can make the best of any situation. i had/have to. and i can sit here and tell you how my relationship was the greatest crucible for growth ive ever experienced in my life. but when i was going through it, it seemed like such a moot point. because if it were that simple, id do it all over again, exactly the same way. and then id do it again.

we dont go seeking suffering in order to grow, necessarily. because that isnt wise.

but i also strongly believe theres a make or break attitude when it comes to suffering, or when it comes to these relationships. the suffering has happened. we didnt ask for it or seek it, necessarily. but how we respond to it, whether it makes or breaks us, that part we have a say in.

I grieve that there are no responses that will bring closure to this relationship - no way to sit and "have my say

one of the cliches offered to me in my recovery was that we find closure within ourselves. there is a lot of truth, i ultimately found, to that, but at the time, it sounded like gobbledygook. closure comes from grieving, from detaching. there was a time when having my say occupied hours of my day. eventually came a day where the relationship held no more significance to me than a relationship from high school. that the need for my say diminished.

it diminished, in part, because i found every indirect way i could to say it. i did a lot of it through writing. creative writing allowed me to get out a lot of jabs that made me feel better. i did it through connecting with others here. slowly, but surely, her actions lost their weight, their personal nature. its not unlike if i called you a      . you would likely not feel the need to respond because my words and actions wouldnt carry as much weight. in the same way, detaching helps you to let go of that weight.

Which brings me to the next thing that sticks - I grieve that for white, alpha, hetero men, it's hard to use the word "abuse" and have people take you seriously.  I still suffer from the "but nobody will believe me" syndrome.  I am currently completing my masters degree in Psychotherapy as part of my professional work - My thesis will be on men's issues and Domestic Abuse.

upfront, i will say i never experienced domestic abuse, and thats a whole nother kettle of fish to detach from. i imagine it would bring a whole range of complicated feelings. it would feel isolating. emasculating. confusing. and, i suspect, your feelings of helplessness are not unrelated. i dont mean to be a downer when i say that can be long lasting.

it will get better. but it will take some work, the likes of which you are doing as we speak. completing your masters in this area, getting feedback, helping others, will pay dividends i cant possibly get across to you now as youre going through it.

have faith in the process.

[Rev]

This is simply beautiful.  Thank you.