Ultimatums

[soulmate4ever]

I am looking seeking advice as someone fairly new to experiencing BPD characteristics from a close, close (sibling-like) friend. My friend has BPD, but when we are around each other, I almost never see it. I have never fully experienced my friend’s BPD. This past weekend, my friend came to visit me at school. For some reason (which my friend hasn’t expressed), my friend has a very strong hatred towards my romantic partner even though my friend has only spoken to my partner about twice. Knowing my friend doesn’t like my partner, I tried to keep my time with my friend separate from my time with my partner. On Saturday night, we ran into my partner. My friend was instantly in a visibly bad mood. My friend said something to my partner that prompted my parter to respond with, “Do you always act like an uptight bi**h?” I had my partner leave immediately, and my friend went deadly silent. I have never experienced this when I have been around my friend. Then my friend got unbelievably angry and started sobbing. My friend went into detail about life with BPD and how it affects both mind and body. I was sitting there, just supporting my friend and letting my friend speak. My friend left Sunday morning and I thought everything was resolved but then I received a “threatening,” ultimatum like text from my friend. My friend basically said that they tried to support my relationship with my partner, but they could not. That my partner tries to pit women against each other, is pathetic and disgusting. My friend then proceeded to say that while unable to make decisions for me, as long as I even associate myself with my partner, they would never come to visit me again. My friend then sent a second message saying that they were extremely hurt that I didn’t say anything to my partner after my partner called my friend a “bi**h” (even though I told my partner not to call my friend that and had my partner leave) and that if the situation were reversed they would have “ripped said partner apart” for calling me a “bi**h.”
That is my current situation and I haven’t said anything in fear of saying the wrong thing and setting my friend off again. We have been friends for 10 years and I don’t understand how or why this one situation set off my friend so bad. I love my friend deeply, but I can’t let my friend win by making me choose, because then when the next partner comes along and my friend doesn’t like them, will I have to choose again?

I am desperate for any advice on how to handle this situation. It is all very new to me, and I cannot lose my friend.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Forgiveness]

This is a tough place to be. My guess is that you will not need to choose. You can validate your friend's feelings by saying, "Yes nobody likes to be called the B-word. I can understand that hurts." But I would not address the other part (that you have to choose).

I would make a phone call and not use text. Hear her out but just don't engage with the discussion about her not coming to visit you again. A person with BPD can change their mind three times in five minutes. Just don't take it seriously. Most likely she is intensely jealous and she's actually worried you'll abandon her first.