Moving from bettering board

[Yourdudeness]

So I am movinf frim the bettering board. Clearly, my ex and I, with whom I have 3 children (s4 and dd 1.5) are nit grtting back together.
We never married but were together for 11 years. Last april we separated. At first it was kind of amicable. We could do things with the kids together.
Then, many stresses started to build up. X had problems at work and quit. We recently moved back to our hometown, her with her father and I with my parents, temporarily. The move has also added enormous stress.
At the moment any kind of coparenting is impossible. She is very dysregulated and I am painted black. She has lashed out at me in front of the kids, so I'm going as LC as possible.
She is a loving and nurturing mother, and very dedicated. But she gets frustrated at our 4yo's normal child behaviour. And the fact that he wants to spend more time with me seems to be triggering her fear if abandonment.
Currently we have 50/50, no courts or lawyers involved and I would want it to remain like that. The less confrontation the best.
She seems to be on the "mild" side of the spectrum; no suicide threats, just some skin picking, no drugs or alcohol or any other reckless behaviour. Afaik she has not been diagnosed but she knows she has issues and goes to therapy.
I would like to know how to support my children in order to prevent emotional damage caused by their mom's undiagnosed bpd or bpd traits. I would like to eventually be able to improve my communication with her in order to coparent peacefully without the law system involved. Any input would be appreciated.

[ForeverDad]

She is a loving and nurturing mother, and very dedicated. But...

That is a loaded sentence.  People with BPD (PwBPD) - whether diagnosed or not -  are also prone to erratic and inconsistent behaviors, poor ones.  I'd like to express caution with descriptions like the above.  Why?  We know you're trying to be fair and objective.  But still, there are better ways to describe her.  For one, if you said such things to the children in future years, they would become confused and their world of comprehension very muddled.  Essentially, they would try to reconcile "loving and nurturing mother" with her observed poor behaviors.  Rather than helping them, it could serve to confuse and invalidate their observations and conclusions.

Over on our Tools and Skills board we have at least three topics on proper and effective Validation.

[MeandThee29]

Yes, validating their feeling is so very important. If they say "Mom did XX (something disordered)," then you should say something like "And how did that make you feel? How can you manage how that was for you?"

Taking the focus off of her and on their coping empowers them and is the only way to deal with something you can't control. You can't do anything about how she relates to them, but you can empathize with them and help them work with it.

Yesterday I listened to quite a few YouTube talks because I was doing some chores, and one really struck me. The speaker said that we should look at the actions of the disordered person, and not so much their words. Actions show their true intentions.

When I look back at how my STBX's actions affected our college kids, it was his actions that really spoke to them. He would text or email that he was there for them, but in the end, he moved so far away that regular contact was impossible. There were long periods where they didn't hear from him at all. What message was that? No words could bridge that he abandoned them.

And I don't believe that it's my responsibility to bring that gap. He made a decision that I didn't agree with, and he has to deal with the consequences of that decision. I had to deal with the consequences as the only parent in their lives since he left.

 

[worriedStepmom]

H's ex did best when SD was little - the ages your kids are now.  As SD matured and became more independent, uBPDmom struggled more. [Including an involuntary commitment when SD was 6 - the first indication we had of suicidal ideation.] There was parentification and varying levels of emotional abuse and manipulation.  Even SD(now12) has commented that her mom only tells stories from when SD was aged 2-5 - mom sort of pretends the last 7 years didn't happen.

They managed a 50/50 schedule for about 8 years.  They were essentially parallel parenting; there was much drama if ex thought H was questioning her decisions (such as asking if SD might need allergy testing).  H filed for a custody modification last summer, when SD turned 11.  (We learned about BPD around this time frame.) He became primary parent (with a 70/30 schedule).  It's only gotten worse, so we're in the final stages of working up a custody agreement that would eliminate overnights.  She'll see her daughter EOW for 8-hour blocks.

I regret very much that we didn't intervene sooner.

My advice to you
1) Get the agreement in writing and filed with a court.  You don't necessarily need a lawyer for this.  You can probably find the forms for the standard custody agreement online, and then modify them.  I think this is especially important since you weren't married.  Your goal is just to document the status quo, so that she can't move away with the kids and she can't keep you away from them.

2) Validation, as mentioned by MeandThee and ForeverDad, is critical. 

3) Actively teach your kids how to manage their own emotions.  SD didn't know how to do this, and mom couldn't provide an example.  I worked with her on how to identify when she was getting upset and tactics on how to soothe herself before she got to meltdown level.

4) You will be their safe space.  Be consistent in your parenting, have expectations and hold the kids to them, be understanding, and just love them unconditionally.

5*) When they are older, look into getting them a therapist. 

[Yourdudeness]

Many thanis for your replies.

H's ex did best when SD was little - the ages your kids are now.  As SD matured and became more independent, uBPDmom struggled more. [Including an involuntary commitment when SD was 6 - the first indication we had of suicidal ideation.] There was parentification and varying levels of emotional abuse and manipulation.  Even SD(now12) has commented that her mom only tells stories from when SD was aged 2-5 - mom sort of pretends the last 7 years didn't happen.

They managed a 50/50 schedule for about 8 years.  They were essentially parallel parenting; there was much drama if ex thought H was questioning her decisions (such as asking if SD might need allergy testing).  H filed for a custody modification last summer, when SD turned 11.  (We learned about BPD around this time frame.) He became primary parent (with a 70/30 schedule).  It's only gotten worse, so we're in the final stages of working up a custody agreement that would eliminate overnights.  She'll see her daughter EOW for 8-hour blocks.

I regret very much that we didn't intervene sooner.

My advice to you
1) Get the agreement in writing and filed with a court.  You don't necessarily need a lawyer for this.  You can probably find the forms for the standard custody agreement online, and then modify them.  I think this is especially important since you weren't married.  Your goal is just to document the status quo, so that she can't move away with the kids and she can't keep you away from them.

2) Validation, as mentioned by MeandThee and ForeverDad, is critical. 

3) Actively teach your kids how to manage their own emotions.  SD didn't know how to do this, and mom couldn't provide an example.  I worked with her on how to identify when she was getting upset and tactics on how to soothe herself before she got to meltdown level.

4) You will be their safe space.  Be consistent in your parenting, have expectations and hold the kids to them, be understanding, and just love them unconditionally.

5*) When they are older, look into getting them a therapist. 

Very useful tips. I'll see into formalizing the custody agreement, and how to do it in my country. As for therapy, tomorrow we are taking our 4yo with a therapist. X's initiative.
At the moment I moved with my parents, so this house is their safe space. My mom and 4yo are really close,.
How are your stepkids doung nowadays?

[worriedStepmom]

How are your stepkids doung nowadays?

My SD12 is doing well now.  Her stress levels are down now that she's exposed to less of the abusive behaviors, and now that she's secure that H and I will protect her.  SD really, really wants her mom to get better and be able to parent her again; she and her therapist work on grieving that dream of "healthy mom". 

It helps, in many ways, that she has me as an alternate 'mom', and it will help your kids to have your mom there.

[GaGrl]

I can add that my husband's Ex also was an attentive mother when the children were small but had difficulty as they became older and began to separate from her. She treated them as extensions of herself. They were adults by the time H and I married and all three of them have needed therapy. They continue to struggle with boundaries with their mother.

[Rev]

That is a loaded sentence.  People with BPD (PwBPD) - whether diagnosed or not -  are also prone to erratic and inconsistent behaviors, poor ones.  I'd like to express caution with descriptions like the above.  Why?  We know you're trying to be fair and objective.  But still, there are better ways to describe her.  For one, if you said such things to the children in future years, they would become confused and their world of comprehension very muddled.  Essentially, they would try to reconcile "loving and nurturing mother" with her observed poor behaviors.  Rather than helping them, it could serve to confuse and invalidate their observations and conclusions.

Over on our Tools and Skills board we have at least three topics on proper and effective Validation.

I just wanted to say thank you for this and echo everything you wrote. 

Validation - for me anyway - was a terrible defense mechanism.  And it kept me in the F.O.G. far longer than I should have stayed because in had the effect of muting that inner voice that was trying to tell me - "something is wrong here"

Rev