can anyone help me get some clarity

[kiwigal]

Can I get some clarity? Im not new here.. but to recap: My in laws have no room for my feelings, quite simply because there are too many other issues at play including my ubpd mother-in-law (ie its not personal, but affects me personally). There is a highly patriarchal religious system in addition, so being woman = no voice. This has been the case for the past 16 years of our marriage. However, the past year Ive been expressing my needs, and my hurt (at discussions had behind my back), and invited discussion with a counsellor - which has been declined. Ive accepted this and so try to interact in a way that is true to my core values - but also safe. However Im experiencing some dissonance with a recent invite. The invite is to do a family walk together for my father in laws 70th. I dont want to go, but my experience has been that if I dont, I become the scapegoat.. ie 'she makes issues'. However; speaking up for what I need, invites their opinion and that doesn't feel safe either. If I do go, this is often interpreted as "she is sorry/ changed her mind etc".. and they try to slot me back into the old normal. How do I hold a place of dignity while holding to my core values of honouring my father in law?

[formflier]

What role does your husband play in this?

Best,

FF

[pursuingJoy]

kiwigal, hi! 

I can understand much of how you feel, I have similar challenges with a uBPD MIL. I'd also love to hear more about your husband's role.

How do I hold a place of dignity while holding to my core values of honouring my father in law?

I connect with your feelings here. Changing a dynamic that's existed for 16 years will take time. I'll gladly try to help you think through this. You've identified three options:

1. Not going and becoming the scapegoat.
2. Speaking up and feeling invalidated.
3. Going and risking being perceived as falling in line.

Did I capture that correctly? It could be that these are your only options, but just in case, let's stretch these possibilities.

1. Are there any reasonable scheduling conflicts that might conveniently prevent you from attending with a very sincere apology and commitment to see them at a future family event?
2. If you speak up, what do you think about developing a simple statement that will communicate a boundary, but will minimize the chances of either invalidation or conflict?
3. If you attend, is it an option to attend and stay in grey rock mode? Is there a way to join them, but only for the beginning because you also are responsible for (fill in the blank) that day?

I'm interested in hearing more.

pj

[kiwigal]

Thank you so much @pursuingjoy for your help.
When you spoke about the 'grey' it made me think about it much more from a practical level.
I have a four year old that isn't always obliging to long walks ;) So...
I suggested that I could come and bring my parents (who are also friends with the family) - so that I had their support. They thought that sounded great and immediately I felt like I had the best of both worlds. I have the support of people who know the dynamics and can be a safe place for me, as well as the excuse to be 'busy' with my boy, if things are getting a bit much. Thank you for helping me look a little further outside my scope of helplessness. I so so appreciate you.

[Harri]

I love that you changed things up and made your own rules here.   

How do I hold a place of dignity while holding to my core values of honouring my father in law?

By not allowing your in-laws to change how you choose to act regardless of their reactions. 

They don't define you. 

Their responses do not define your actions.

Remember Letting Go of the Rope offered by GaGrl?