My XW called last night and I picked up...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

  So my uBPDxw wife called last night at about 1030pm  (First phone call in 12 weeks).  If you read any of my posts in the last week, I definitely thought she was working her way up to reach out.  The call ended up being a brutal 2 hours of her raging at me.  She started off by telling me about her new puppy dog, but it quickly devolved when started to talk about the puppy was abandoned just like her (my XW walked out of marriage 12 weeks ago while I was away for several days on business). 

   We were only married a year and she is only 27, but she accused me of ruining her life several times.  Told me she would never recover from what happened (seems dramatic).  Mentioned she was a seeing a guy that says he was molested by his parents, but she thinks a lair (I don't even know what to say). Told me I don't deserve a partner and I will never meet anyone as good as her and I will regret this the rest of my life. 

   I was calm and patient with her the entire call.  I did not engage with counter insults, and I apologized for things I have done in the marriage when appropriate (no the first time I had apologized).   As the call went on, she just became angrier and angrier and by the end I just said it was late and I need to go. 

   I know logically that I should not have take the call, and that this was likely going to be the result.   Despite me being the one who was abandoned and the receipt of most of the abuse in the marriage, she seems way angrier than I am.  She seems to be getting angrier as time goes on as well.  I know this call set me back a little.  I don't get why she made (maybe booze), and I don't get what she wants.  At one point during the call I asked her, if I am so terrible why are you calling me? Her response was trauma bonding. 

    Now I am more confused than ever...…..

[LeftBehindGuy]

  So my uBPDxw wife called last night at about 1030pm  (First phone call in 12 weeks).  If you read any of my posts in the last week, I definitely thought she was working her way up to reach out.  The call ended up being a brutal 2 hours of her raging at me.  She started off by telling me about her new puppy dog, but it quickly devolved when started to talk about the puppy was abandoned just like her (my XW walked out of marriage 12 weeks ago while I was away for several days on business). 

   We were only married a year and she is only 27, but she accused me of ruining her life several times.  Told me she would never recover from what happened (seems dramatic).  Mentioned she was a seeing a guy that says he was molested by his parents, but she thinks a lair (I don't even know what to say). Told me I don't deserve a partner and I will never meet anyone as good as her and I will regret this the rest of my life. 

   I was calm and patient with her the entire call.  I did not engage with counter insults, and I apologized for things I have done in the marriage when appropriate (no the first time I had apologized).   As the call went on, she just became angrier and angrier and by the end I just said it was late and I need to go. 

   I know logically that I should not have take the call, and that this was likely going to be the result.   Despite me being the one who was abandoned and the receipt of most of the abuse in the marriage, she seems way angrier than I am.  She seems to be getting angrier as time goes on as well.  I know this call set me back a little.  I don't get why she made (maybe booze), and I don't get what she wants.  At one point during the call I asked her, if I am so terrible why are you calling me? Her response was trauma bonding. 

    Now I am more confused than ever...…..

[confusedbybdp]

The call ended up being a brutal 2 hours of her raging at me.

That IS brutal, LeftBehindGuy!  I really feel for you.  No more 10:30pm phone calls.  Business hours only, if that!    

I suggest you cinch your armor a little tighter.   These people are crazy...  Don't let it happen again.  The boundary needs to be "if you rage/yell/etc., I will hang up.  We can (if YOU want to, LBG) discuss this when you are able to discuss it without raging - tomorrow, next week, or if necessary, in your next lifetime."

I'm sorry, LBG, but this sh-- has to stop, and you're the only one who can stop it.

 

[once removed]

some people cope with relationship endings with blame and vitriol.

shes blowing off steam (to put it mildly).

i think you handled it like a champ. in actuality, letting her blow off a little bit of steam can ultimately reduce it. she wants to be heard, and a little bit of smiling and nodding can go a long way toward achieving that. she will run out of steam.

counter arguing or throwing it back at her might even be what she wants, on some level...it would mean more engagement, and she could throw even more blame your way (more steam, so to speak). so in a sense, youre kind of sucking the oxygen out of the fire.

likewise, if you blocked her or refuse to speak to her, she might up the ante in order to be heard.

dont go overboard, mind you. youre not under any obligation to sit there and listen to a bunch of stuff, the relationship is over and it isnt your problem. dont roll over or apologize or take any blame just for the sake of it, either, that can feed it too. likewise, if shes just getting angrier and more worked up (booze will certainly do that), its a good time to step away as you did.

think strategically, and protect yourself. its sort of like this:

lets say she was saying all of this by email, as an example. if you routed the emails to your trash, and youre not reading them, no harm done to you. at the same time, shed think youre reading them, so shes releasing some steam, whereas if you blocked her, she might try harder to reach you.

if youre not concerned about her upping the ante, do consider not taking any more calls.

I know this call set me back a little.

how so? how ya feeling?

[LeftBehindGuy]

 Thank you for your kind responses OR and Confusedbybpd.  Fortunately, two days later and I have no heard a peep from her.  She is going to be coming back to my area on Thursday and Friday, as well as next week for Thanksgiving and I was / am concerned she may want to meet up and scream at me in person. 

   I am definitely not ok with what happened Monday.  In fact this has cost me two nights sleep over her BS.  I don't appreciate being her doormat, and saying things like I don't deserve a partner and I will never find anyone as a good as her again are quite abusive and controlling and I don't deserve that.

   I talked this over with T this morning, and he thought it sounds like her moved 650 miles south didn't go nearly as well as she hoped (even the house she bought is falling apart) and she is kind of miserable and looking to blame for her choices and where she ended.  I think that's a fair explanation, especially given that she emails me things "I am in a terrible place right".  If things were going better in Georgia, or if things went better with the new guy(s) she met, I imagine she would not be calling to rage at me.  It's like the divorce changed nothing and wasn't even real.

[confusedbybdp]

 

Dear LBG,

On and off today, I have fretted over my response to your post yesterday.  You are being nice to call both of our responses "kind," but I felt I was too hard on you by saying you needed to stop this abuse in its tracks.  If it were that easy, we would all have shrugged it off and moved on by now...    I must have been blowing off steam, since the past couple of days have been difficult for me (since my last post about looking up a house online that my ex used to live in).  It is incredible to me how messed up these relationships leave us. 

I am definitely not ok with what happened Monday.  In fact this has cost me two nights sleep over her BS.  I don't appreciate being her doormat, and saying things like I don't deserve a partner and I will never find anyone as a good as her again are quite abusive and controlling and I don't deserve that.

I understand what you're saying about losing sleep over this.  It is maddening to be treated to such vitriol and blame shifting by someone who once professed to love you.  I think that is what is so mind blowing about these relationships.  Yes, many people break up, get divorced, part ways, etc.  And there are usually hurt feelings at the ending of a r/s.  What I don't understand is why so many people with BPD feel they have to utterly destroy the person, and wish them a lifetime of hardship and pain.  It is really very sick.  But, that's what this is, isn't it?  We are dealing with the behaviors of someone who is severely disordered, and who is unlikely to ever find peace and happiness.  Their only chance is through recognizing that something is "off" and seeking help for it.  Most will never get there.  I just wish for your sake, and for mine and all the others, that we could brush it off as a terrible experience and be done with it.

I wish you the very best, and will follow your updates.  Take care, my friend!

[Rev]

  I talked this over with T this morning, and he thought it sounds like her moved 650 miles south didn't go nearly as well as she hoped (even the house she bought is falling apart) and she is kind of miserable and looking to blame for her choices and where she ended.  I think that's a fair explanation, especially given that she emails me things "I am in a terrible place right".  If things were going better in Georgia, or if things went better with the new guy(s) she met, I imagine she would not be calling to rage at me.  It's like the divorce changed nothing and wasn't even real.

You can bet your bottom dollar your T is right.  My ex reached out twice - and twice I shut the door - blocked everything on social media and then sent her a cease and desist from my lawyer.  Both times she went ballistic.  And I felt so awful. Like in my gut awful.

But you know what ... not so long after that someone I know told me that she's treating the new supply worse than me - and ... the new supply is... wait for it... her newly found biological brother.  True story - just thought I'd throw that in there 'cause it makes me realize that no matter what - we are always better off when this kind of charming happens.

It's just no sane.  And it's a consequence of their "feelings based facts" - as in the perceive in the moment based on their twisted feelings.

Good luck - stay strong - stay in you lane. You got this.

Rev

[Lucky Jim]

The call ended up being a brutal 2 hours of her raging at me.

Hey LBG, Two hours of raging?  It's time for you to get some boundaries, my friend.  (See Tools, above).  You don't need to put up with that kind of abuse.  Set a time limit, say, 10 minutes, then get off the phone.  Hang up if you need to.  Turn your phone off if you need to.  Do what you need to do to protect yourself!  You don't deserve to be treated that way.

LJ

[LeftBehindGuy]

 Thanks everyone for their kind and supportive words.

  I think what gets me most about this interaction with her was the intensity of her anger.  She was screaming at me, and I get the sense had this been in person she would have been in my face screaming.  I don't understand where her level of anger comes from. I was the one who pathologically lied too and abandoned.  I was the one who had false charges filed against that almost ruined my career.  I was the one who was abused and controlled.  She bought a house behind my back, and moved 700 miles away.  I figured she would be loving life at new job, exploring her new city and making new friends.  3 months later I guess it isn't going well.  The house needs a ton of repairs and it sounds like she has engaged in some questionable short term sexual relationships. 

    She rages at me for 2 hours because I am doing better than her.  She literally got even angrier at the end when she felt I was in a better place (I did nothing to rub it in or suggest that).  I guess I should have said to her I am in a better place because I didn't make questionable choice and upend my life impulsively.  I stayed here and cleaned up the mess she left me with and got myself together as best I could.  I see a therapist to process this stuff and deal with the issues, and I have tried my best to move on (including moving out of the old apartment, making new friends and reengaging at my job).  I certainly have not engaged in any short term questionable relationships, in fact I haven't dated at all.  I hope to be ready to start dating shorty though, maybe after the holidays.   

[dt9000]

  ... the puppy was abandoned just like her (my XW walked out of marriage 12 weeks ago while I was away for several days on business). 

    ...Now I am more confused than ever...…..

I'm sorry to hear you were subjected to this kind of treatment. I've been through this and it's not fun, and it's not always easily avoided.

They are good at twisting the past to fit their current narrative. I, too, was told that I abandoned my BPDex although she was having an affair and she was the one who asked for a separation.

It is confusing, and it makes one wonder if their version is correct.

[40days_in_desert]

LeftBehind - Good for you for...
1) Not engaging in the drama or as my T had once told me "not picking up the rope when she wants to play tug of war"
2) Recognizing that she is trying to place the blame on you for where her poor choices have brought her
3) Improving yourself to the point that she recognizes the change
4) Recognizing the abusive and manipulative language from her as exactly what it is.

Some advice that you may already know...
1) As Lucky Jim stated - better boundaries would help. Two hours of her raging is about two hours too long. You'll eventually get to the point where you can enforce your boundaries by respectfully ending the call/conversation if you ever communicate with her again and she rages.
2) If you have apologized for your transgressions already I would leave it at that. If she brings those transgressions up again you can say "Yes and I have already apologized" or say nothing at all as a response.
3) If you don't have children together and there is no loose ends to tie up from the divorce (i.e. property, etc) then maybe the first boundary to communicate is that you don't have contact with each other?
4) If you have loose ends that need to be addressed then maybe the boundary could be that all communication be via email only?

My ex will still send long ranting texts late at night after she's had about 60-72 oz or more of "truth serum". If we didn't have kids together my main goal would be to make every reasonable and legal effort to prevent her from contacting me.
You're doing better than I did when I was 12 weeks out. Keep moving forward and keep posting!

[Forgiveness]

It happens. You are human. We have all done things like this. Moving forward, how would you like to handle the next phone call? Maybe have a plan in place and write it on a post-it. "If she calls, I will ______ ."

   I talked this over with T this morning, and he thought it sounds like her moved 650 miles south didn't go nearly as well as she hoped.

That sounds right. She is really suffering. Nothing you can do about that.