BPD mother is dying, BPD brother needs help

[Depression = 72% of members]

My elderly mother has borderline personality disorder and is currently very ill. My brother has been her caretaker for the last six years and is on disability. They had a happy relationship together. She enjoyed him taking care of her and he needed a place to live and has been a good caretaker for her. I have a strained relationship with both of them. I am scared of his temper. When my mother dies he will not be able to afford to live  in her home anymore  and he will want to live with me. I am willing to help him financially to move to a government funded apartment which he will qualify for with his disability. I cannot take him in. I am scared to tell him because I am worried he will try to kill himself. How do I discuss this with him? I live in another state.

[Cindip]

My elderly mother has borderline personality disorder and is currently very ill. My brother has been her caretaker for the last six years and is on disability. They had a happy relationship together. She enjoyed him taking care of her and he needed a place to live and has been a good caretaker for her. I have a strained relationship with both of them. I am scared of his temper. When my mother dies he will not be able to afford to live  in her home anymore  and he will want to live with me. I am willing to help him financially to move to a government funded apartment which he will qualify for with his disability. I cannot take him in. I am scared to tell him because I am worried he will try to kill himself. How do I discuss this with him? I live in another state.

[Harri]

Hi and

I am so sorry to hear about your mom being ill and your difficult relationship with the both her and your brother.  Please know you are not alone and have found a place where we get it.  We can help you decide how you want to handle things with your brother and with how to set boundaries as well as support you over time.

How has your brother expressed his expectation to live with you?  You mentioned you are scared of his temper.  Can you tell us more about that? 

Harri

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you having a BPD mother that is dying and a BPD brother who is her caretaker. My mother with BPD died this past summer and my brother with BPD was her long term caretaker. It is understandable that you do not want to live with your brother once your mother is gone. My brother with BPD also has a terrible temper and I dread dealing with him. The best advice I can give you, is to let your brother take the lead: Listen, ask questions, and do not give your point of view most of the time because it will likely result in his getting angry and mistreating you. I would gently ask him from time to time what he wants to do once your mother is gone. Maybe he does not want to live with you. I found out after my mother died, that my brother was terrified that I would come live with him. Your brother likely knows that you will not tolerate his terrible behaviors, and possibly would not want to live with you. What do you think?