Engaged & Scared.

[GreenMoonx]

Hello everyone,

I'll just get right into my situation, not going to sugar coat anything. I have been with my partner for 7 years but in that 7 years I have cheated on him 3 times. Every time I did this, it just took pieces of me. I'm not able to function, or even think properly. I don't know why I pull away from him... Even after all the times I hurt him, he still wants to try & even proposed to me several months ago. (I accepted) But now that I've accepted the proposal, I can't stop crying. I feel so confused.

I'm still seeking for that 'true love' that 'butterfly feeling' because for some reason I can't feel that with my partner anymore. The best way to describe my situation is this. I'm a hungry customer at a restaurant & my partner is the chef. I am starving for food, the chef gives me food & the food looks & smells amazing. I refuse to eat the food because I feel like the food isn't real. The chef asks me what is wrong with the food, there is nothing wrong with it. All he ever gives me is amazing food but nothing seems to really make me want to eat it.
I was recently diagnosed with BPD around 4-5 months ago & finding this out really changed my life. I'm not sure about all of you but I feel like after knowing this... I feel like i've been living a delusion. As in, all the relationships I've had in the past, all the heart ache, all the nights i've spend in my bed alone trying to figure out what my confused brain is trying to tell me, all makes sense but it scares me. I'm still coming to terms with my diagnosis. But I can't help feeling ashamed of who I am. Because I've caused so much heartache to my partner & he never deserved any of this.

I am scared that one day he will leave me because maybe one day he will just have enough of my actions. But I don't want that. I really do love my partner, he's the only one that's been there for me & supports me. I'm the one that brings problems into the relationship. I just want to be normal.

Why do I pull away from him & always look elsewhere for true love? When I clearly seem to already have it?
 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[loyalwife]

Hi GreenMoonx,

     Reading through your post, made me sad. Most of the posts, if not all you will find here are from family members living with those that are BPD. You may gain some insight from these, but not the tools you might need. I'm sorry to say that, as it sounds like you need some support. You've taken the first important step already. Your desire to change is going to help you more than anything else. Don't try to do it alone, because you don't have to. As a wife of a pwBPD, your actions speak volumes as to who you are. You recognized this in you and sought the answer. Many with BPD are diagnosed, but few go on to treatment.
     It sounds as though your partner truly loves you. He's stayed with you through thick and thin and wants to take the next step. It's understandable that you are afraid of commitment, as you may not be trusting yourself. It's possible to be married to the one you love, even when BPD is in the mix. It just takes some TLC.
    Do you have a good therapist that is familiar with BPD? Have they mentioned what can help, like DBT? Seek someone that specializes in this area.
     Thank you for sharing your story. It helped me to hear how it feels on the other side.